Monday, June 19, 2006

Sexual Selective Memory

We have all had wholly forgettable hookups. Some are regrettable, some are embarrassing, and some we are too drunk to fully remember. But one undeniable fact about all of them is that they happened. Girls, for some reason, do not believe this and seem to engage in this odd phenomenon I call Sexual Selective Memory. Alice seems to think this is a common disorder, and even goes so far as to defend it. But I'm still calling bullshit.

I assume it starts out honestly enough. A girl goes into a bedroom with a random guy at a party, her girlfriend sees her, asks her about it he next day, and girl #1 responds "Oh, nothing happened. I passed out." And, of course, by "passed out" she means "had really drunken mediocre sex for about 15 minutes and probably didn't use a condom." But, a funny thing happens when we lie: Once we do it enough, we start to believe it. And so, just as Johnny Frat Boy has been talking about his hour-long marathon session with this girl, so is she beginning to believe she never slept with him. And since she never told anyone she did, there is nobody who can remind her of this regrettable event. Except the guy, who is most likely avoiding her like your run-of-the-mill Ebola patient.

This is the inherent problem when girls do not keep track of their numbers: Regrettable sex can be completely erased so long as there are no pregnancies or diseases as a result. This, friends, is just as wrong as a guy lying to himself about his performance, or lack thereof. You can't un-fuck somebody. You did it. Own up to it. Just like me and the fat chicks.

I know this girl who used to give me very graphic details of her pseudo-sex life. I say pseudo because she was a lot younger at the time, about 14 or so. I was younger too, so don't get any ideas. She was a wild kid back then and used to get drunk a lot at parties and call me while she did so. She also liked to "hook up" with different guys. Hook-Up, of course, meaning a hand job and an occasional fingering. One guy, who she told she was 18, even went so far as to go down on her. Again, she gave me rather graphic details of what she was doing, and I have a steel-trap memory when it comes to sex, so I remember. Well, after that wild phase she found a man and has been with him for about the last eight years or so. She stopped drinking and has seen only one other penis since then (during a breakup).

Conveniently, though, this young lady likes to tell people she has only been drunk a handful of times in her life and that she has only felt 3 or 4 penises. Granted, if her life started at 16, this might be true, but I remember one particular trip to Club Med where she bragged about constantly having beer and liquor bottles in her room, and hooking up with a different guy every night. My point is that what she has chosen to remember about that time and what was actually going on are totally different. And, since I am really the only person she told about most of this, I seem to always be the one going "No, dear, I recall you telling me about at LEAST 5 or 6 other penises back then." But the lies, at least in her mind, have become truth.

Last week, a girl I dated a year ago called me asking details of the first time we had sex. Apparently she was rather drunk at the time. Odd, since I was dancing with her for four solid hours and the only thing I saw her drink was water (no, she was not rolling). We went back to her place, did it, fell asleep, then did it again the next morning and took a shower together. And you wanna know the kicker? She didn't remember any of that. Even though she was stone sober by the time we woke up. Now, we dated for a while afterwards and she remembers every other time we had sex, but she told me she felt extremely guilty about having slept with me so fast. I think her guilt made her begin to deny even the things she could not pass off as alcohol-induced from that first encounter, since she wanted so desperately to think that she was not capable of sleeping with a guy she had known for 6 hours. Sadly, I believe that had we not spent the next three weeks repeating the events of that night, I may very well have been forgotten like so many losing vice presidential candidates.

But it makes me wonder: How many of the girls I've been with have suppressed my existence? The tourist on the beach who made me swear not to tell my friends? The girl I brought back to a hotel who left at 5AM the next morning before I woke up? The one who hooked up with me playing the same wingman role that I was while Graig banged her hot friend 6 feet away? I bet you all of them, in their minds, have never had sex with me. And, I must say, I am rather insulted. I take the time to analyze and remember every girl I'm with. Fat, skinny, drunk, sober, all of them. Do I wish I could deny and undo some of them? Of course. But denial doesn't change the fact that it happened. And girls need to learn that regrettable sexual behavior, like it or not, is a fact that will never change.


At 4:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, man, you are the ultimate hosemeister! So many, many chicks have you banged, I am insanely jealous.

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

I have to admit to being guilty of "Sexual Selective Memory." There are some hookups that I would rather just forget. Plus, if I forget some of them, that means my number is lower.

At 10:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't think that the people you know, and have known, are representative of most of society. some of us have never had regrettable hookups. some of us are aware of our (low) numbers. i'm not passing judgment on your kind, just reminding you that there are people out there who are also normal but leaving quieter lives.

At 10:50 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

There are DEFINITELY some scallywags that are best forgotten but then I'd only be lying to myself if I pretended those hookups never happened. But I've been really, really tempted!

At 4:43 AM, Anonymous musashi270 said...

The girls who suffer from this will probably get the cure about the same time our friend (You know, everybody knows this guy) gets the cure to remember that it was 15 minutes of stumbling around in Stoli fumes and not 4 hours of absolutely heathenistic hot-monkey sex.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger threetoedsloth said...

Well, I think it's important to remember your full sexual past so that you don't forget where you came from, and so that you can live as honestly as possible. To this day I tell the tale of how the first guy I ever kissed (nothing more than that, fortunately), a gruesomely ugly kid, a couple of years later turned out to be both gay and a crack addict. Oh, I laugh myself to sleep over that story every night.

HOWEVER, if a person has downright traumatic incidents in their past, it could be better to forget those. And if someone you're dating asks about your history, a lot of times that's information better left unsaid so that you don't drive each other insane obsessing over each other's pasts.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

Splendid job W. Dade, splendid job!

At 11:31 AM, Blogger T. said...

Your basketball analysis posts are terrible, but when you make a post like this you're in the motherfuckin' ZONE!! HOLLA!

Good job.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

Dade, I am all for sex select memory not for reasons of 'pretending' my number is lower than it is. I disclosed the true number. But for hopefully driving people out of my memory. Now, saying you led a virginal existence is different. You know you slept around, but why should one have to impress a memory. The part of having sex too young is that you don't realize your memory will haunt you.
As you grow older, you just immediately push a sexual encounter out for the fact the person is not worth remembering or that person may become the boyfriend of your best friend next week. There is not one reason why they should be remembered. I agree at the same time we shouldn't portray ourselves to be someone we are not or were not in the past.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - Give me a fucking break. Do you really think the point of this post was to talk about my history? Read a little deeper.

Ash - Well, that would be cheating then, wouldn't it.

Anon - Oh, I know that. But I really can't write much about those people since I don't know many of them. AS long as your honest with yourself and with others, it's all good.

Nicole - And kudos to you for not giving in to temptation.

Musashi - Yeah, I guess everyone dleudes themselves in one way or another, don't they.

3TS - Traumatic? yeah, I don't even go there. Again, like I had to clarify with Alice, this isn't about things you don't remmeber or didn't want to do. It's more like denial.

Ale8 - Thanks

T - I spend a lot more time thinking and talking about sex and women than I do about basketball. Probably explains it. Why the only thing I ever got on Deadspin was about a chick with implants.

JenJen - There is a difference between not talking about or thinking about a memory and flat out convincing yourself it never happened.

At 3:08 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

One thing's for sure: if Manola had slept with Colin Farrell, she's say: LONG, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN. :-)


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