Thursday, June 08, 2006

Superpitcher and Other Drink Pimping Revenge

I think I have made my dislike of girls who pimp drinks pretty clear, haven't I? Well, aside from my experience at Mansion I had a few weeks back, there have been countless other times that women have made the egregious error of expecting me or one of my friends to actually shell out money for their imbibing entertainment. And damn near all of them have paid the price.

The first sort of retaliation we developed was the "accidental drink spill," whereas I would hold a drink at a bad angle near said female, then my friend would "bump" into me, causing my drink to go all over the girl and her $200 Bebe top. I then turn around to scream at my friend to "watch where the fuck he is going," and the victim doesn't even have a chance to yell at me as I am too busy berating my "clumsy" partner. Typically this is done with a vodka cranberry if the girl is wearing white, or a White Russian if she is wearing any other color (nothing like a girl who smells like old dairy and Kailua. She'll definitely be popular among the beach's oh-so-trendy "old and homeless" set). Beer is always a good accidental beverage to spill, too, if you don't feel like investing in revenge.

I was once out with my old roommate and his girlfriend Shannell when a couple of girls asked him to buy their drinks. This infuriated Shannell, so I instructed her accordingly in the art of drink-dumping. Well, two vodka-crans and a ruined peasant blouse later, those girls got theirs and Shannell was ecstatic. She denied enjoying it the next day, but deep down I think she appreciated the nastiness.

Another one of my favorite methods is known as the "Super Pitcher." This only works at bars that offer pitchers of beer where people leave half-drunk cups lying around in various places. The trick is to assemble all of the half-beers and pour them into one pitcher, creating a virtual cesspool of germs, backwash and hopefully Herpes Simplex 1. When a girl comes up to you and asks for some of your beer, you gladly offer her a taste of the Super Pitcher, often after some old chew-spit and/or cigarette ash has been thrown in. This also works on popped-collar douchebags and striped-shirt jackasses, as you can pretend to be that drunk, jovial guy giving away beer. Then laughing as they guzzle the collective spit of half the patrons of the bar.

My greatest moment, though, still remains the time a group of girls at the Tavern thought they could pull one over on me. They were seated at a table where I placed my pitcher (this is common practice at the Tavern since space is so limited). The girls, about 19 or so and rather attractive, asked me if they could have some. I snorted as I looked at them and said, "No?" as if they'd asked me if they could amputate my right leg. So, as my friend and I sipped our Miller Lite, one of them thought they would be cute and spit gum in our pitcher. I did not notice, but my friend did and informed me as such. We both pretended we saw nothing as we finished the cups we had already poured. Upon completion, I took said pitcher, dumped it all over the table (resulting in beer drenching all of their skirts) looked them square in the face and said "Don't you EVER fuck with my pitcher at this bar," and walked out. Mission accomplished. I doubt they'll ever try that again.

I hate to beat a dead horse here, but ladies, do not ever try pimping me for a drink. And be forewarned: I am not the only guy in Miami who does stuff like this. Think twice before assuming your low-cut shirt and high-cut skirt are going to get you anything for free other than a drink over your head. Call it one small investment for man, but hopefully, one giant lesson for womankind.

18 Comments:

At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I remember one girl drinking about 4 pieces of Klueber's Bubbalicios Watermelon backwash and asking, "wow, this is good? Is this Amber-Bach?"

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger Sofi said...

Well done, White Dade! I was never comfortable with strangers offfering to buy drinks for me. Usually it was some Guido drenched in Joop, with ties to the sanitation business. Ugh.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger threetoedsloth said...

It's kinda surprising to hear that there are so many girls expecting men to buy them drinks. I've never had any female friends who do that - girls in Miami must be weird. A stranger has only bought me a drink once in my life and it was because he offered. Of course, it turned out to be one drink too many and I staggered home to puke. Ah, romance.

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Yeah, who are these crazy women??? They're giving the rest of us nice ones a bad rap!!!

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Cliff... said...

Well I Guess that explains last nights situation....

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

Kudos. I'm glad there are some dudes out there who aren't going along with these trampy trolling tactics. Hot or not, these princesses are getting exactly what they deserve. hey, if it pads your ego to buy drinks for the peasant blouse and low-rider set and get fake phone numbers, then more power to you.

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

Agreed Dade, a girl pimping drinks is quite the low life form.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Boys and girls, we are overlooking one important factor here. These adolescent strumpets from hell are pimping for drinks because they know they can't get a man's attention any other way. It is universally known that the way to turn a man off is to act and dress like a stupid, desperate whore. Their sense of drink entitlement is completely misguided.

However, Manola is a big fan of old-fashioned courtesy and generosity. I mean some day, White Dade, you might meet a chick you really dig, and you will WANT TO buy her a drink. Totally different scenario ... just make sure you ask her first!

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker said...

I love the story about dumping the beer with gum all over the table. I wish I had done that myself, and I am a girl. I have had many fantasies about doing similar things to those stupid whorey girls. So nice to know there's a guy who hates them as much as I do.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Tara said...

This was priceless. I'm not feeling well today and that one made me chuckle. Thanks again Dade! :D

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

That's fantastic, although dumping anything with cranberry juice in it sounds a little cold even to a person with few moral compunctions, like myself.

 
At 4:15 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

Dade, the Old Pimp would be proud...

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

I totally commend you for that. Bitches!

 
At 10:46 AM, Anonymous J said...

See Barracuda: circa 12:30am 6/8/06.

 
At 8:58 AM, Anonymous MiamiGirl said...

He's right!!! My husband was right. He told me to never pimp drinks because you never know what goes into the drink before it gets to your hand...

Also recently I went out with a group of friends from back home and this guy actually had the nerve to have his wife pimp drinks for both of them all night long...how humiliating for her...He said, "I am not paying $15 for a drink in Miami if the punks here want to do it for her let them."

Guys...stop buying drinks for these girls...wait until a nice girl comes by.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - I do recall that. More like "Amber Blech!" HAHAHAHAHA! God, I'm funny.

Amy - Offering to buy drinks for a MOrmon is kind of a losing proposition anyway, isn't it?

3TS - I've heard its just as bad in NY. Maybe you're just oging to the wrong places.

Manola - I got the term "Pimping dirnks" from you. What are you talking about?

Cliff - Unfortunately, it does not. 6 bottles of wine explains it.

Ale8 - Amen.

JenJen - UNless they're pimping them form other girls, right?

Manola - The problem is, the trumpettes make it difficult to differentiate, you know?

Subservient Worker - Great name. Try it some time, it is very rewarding.

Tara - Glad I could help.

BAL - Cold? You know what's cold? Acting like you like a guy for three minutes so he'll pay for your dirnk and then completely ignoring him the rest of the night. THAT'S cold.

RP - I knew he would

Nic - Thank you.

J - Why I can't go out with you anymore. you just go out and start random fights for no good reason. COntrol yourself, dude.

Miamigirl - Yeah, oyu thought he just meant roofies? No, could be chew spit, back sweat, anything.

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

I'm trying that next time out.
JJ

 
At 3:20 PM, Anonymous angelina said...

Beer is always a good accidental beverage to spill, too, if you don't feel like investing in revenge.

sweeter words have never been written.

 

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