Superpitcher and Other Drink Pimping Revenge
I think I have made my dislike of girls who pimp drinks pretty clear, haven't I? Well, aside from my experience at Mansion I had a few weeks back, there have been countless other times that women have made the egregious error of expecting me or one of my friends to actually shell out money for their imbibing entertainment. And damn near all of them have paid the price.
The first sort of retaliation we developed was the "accidental drink spill," whereas I would hold a drink at a bad angle near said female, then my friend would "bump" into me, causing my drink to go all over the girl and her $200 Bebe top. I then turn around to scream at my friend to "watch where the fuck he is going," and the victim doesn't even have a chance to yell at me as I am too busy berating my "clumsy" partner. Typically this is done with a vodka cranberry if the girl is wearing white, or a White Russian if she is wearing any other color (nothing like a girl who smells like old dairy and Kailua. She'll definitely be popular among the beach's oh-so-trendy "old and homeless" set). Beer is always a good accidental beverage to spill, too, if you don't feel like investing in revenge.
I was once out with my old roommate and his girlfriend Shannell when a couple of girls asked him to buy their drinks. This infuriated Shannell, so I instructed her accordingly in the art of drink-dumping. Well, two vodka-crans and a ruined peasant blouse later, those girls got theirs and Shannell was ecstatic. She denied enjoying it the next day, but deep down I think she appreciated the nastiness.
Another one of my favorite methods is known as the "Super Pitcher." This only works at bars that offer pitchers of beer where people leave half-drunk cups lying around in various places. The trick is to assemble all of the half-beers and pour them into one pitcher, creating a virtual cesspool of germs, backwash and hopefully Herpes Simplex 1. When a girl comes up to you and asks for some of your beer, you gladly offer her a taste of the Super Pitcher, often after some old chew-spit and/or cigarette ash has been thrown in. This also works on popped-collar douchebags and striped-shirt jackasses, as you can pretend to be that drunk, jovial guy giving away beer. Then laughing as they guzzle the collective spit of half the patrons of the bar.
My greatest moment, though, still remains the time a group of girls at the Tavern thought they could pull one over on me. They were seated at a table where I placed my pitcher (this is common practice at the Tavern since space is so limited). The girls, about 19 or so and rather attractive, asked me if they could have some. I snorted as I looked at them and said, "No?" as if they'd asked me if they could amputate my right leg. So, as my friend and I sipped our Miller Lite, one of them thought they would be cute and spit gum in our pitcher. I did not notice, but my friend did and informed me as such. We both pretended we saw nothing as we finished the cups we had already poured. Upon completion, I took said pitcher, dumped it all over the table (resulting in beer drenching all of their skirts) looked them square in the face and said "Don't you EVER fuck with my pitcher at this bar," and walked out. Mission accomplished. I doubt they'll ever try that again.
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but ladies, do not ever try pimping me for a drink. And be forewarned: I am not the only guy in Miami who does stuff like this. Think twice before assuming your low-cut shirt and high-cut skirt are going to get you anything for free other than a drink over your head. Call it one small investment for man, but hopefully, one giant lesson for womankind.