Friday, June 02, 2006

Waxing Philisophical With Biff

It is Friday, in case you haven’t noticed. I haven’t because, really, the days more or less blend together for me at this point. So today, I am stooping to the lowest common denominator: Poop humor. Yes, that’s right, poop humor. And if that is not pathetic enough and a cop-out idea for a post, this particular brand of humor is actually an email exchange between me and my friend Biff, my Marine buddy now stationed in Iraq. Biff dabbled in civilian life for a bit and found it to be so distasteful he opted instead to be shot at and shelled on a daily basis instead. Wow, head-hunting for a tech firm in San Jose must not be all it is cracked up to be. At any rate, here is how me and Sgt. Biff went about determining the proper categorization and Royal Bloodline of, what he liked to call, a massive cerrote.

From: Biff
Monday, August 30, 2004 12:16 PM

Beautiful. I got my requisite 6 hours and gallon of coffee.
I had the worst gas last night, smell and pain wise. This
morning around 1030 I found out why. Suffice to say, if
the devil had a child, I know what it would smell like.
Son of el rey.

From: White Dade
What did you find out around 10:30?
From: Biff 
That a cerrote so foul and disgusting that it can permanently

stain porcelain can indeed gestate inside a human being.
Hence the son of El Rey is born
From: White Dade
Wouldn't that technically be El principe?
From: Biff
Possibly, however, being the son of a king, does not by
make you a prince. For example: Duke Biffster
sires a bastard child with a peasant from
Tijuana. This
child would be the son of the duke, however, since lady
Biffster would not need to be notified of this beast, and
the child would be a bastard, no regal title would be
bestowed upon it. Thus being possible to be a son of
a king without being a prince. Fair enough?
From: White Dade
Fair enough. So it is possibly el principe, but possibly not.

Perhaps El principe would be a massive cerrote that immediate
followed El Rey, whereas this is merely el hijo del rey since
its other origins are as yet undetermined.
From: Biff
Requirements to be determined of royal bloodline:
Size must be sufficient to make the creator stare in
amazement at his own creation, marveling that
something like that could come out of the Human body.

Stench must be enough that it would draw remarks from a total
stranger or passerby. A true king would induce involuntary
dry heaves.
Aftermath must be such that the bowl is stained with the
royal seal for at least after the initial flush, preferrably
much longer.
If a cerrote possesses all of these marks, it may be deemed 
royal. If it has less than all three, it may be an Hijo Del
Rey, but royalty it is not.
This, ladies in gentleman, is not too far off from every
conversation taking place in watchposts throughout Iraq
as we speak.
Marines, we are so easily entertained.


At 11:04 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh my! The things our soldiers must endure!

At 10:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, I am sending a case of metamucil to

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Tara said...

That was enthralling, for sure. God Bless America. :)

At 7:31 PM, Blogger None E. Moose said...

i laughed, i cried... i can see a history inside the family bible...


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