Monday, June 12, 2006

Why I End Up With Psycho Girls

Here's a question I'm tired of hearing form friend's girlfriends, one-night stands and women I've met who read this blog: "How do you end up with coke-addicted psychos? You're such a normal, nice guy." While those of you who don't know me outside the context of your computer screen may find that last sentence a little hard to believe, most people will tell you that it is in fact true. And, yes, usually guys who are nuts end up with girls who are nuts. But, again, believe it or not I am not nuts and came to an epiphany a while back that I think explains everything.

Unlike many dudes out there, I do not enjoy the "thrill of the chase." I like it really easy. I like a girl to come up to me, ask me to dance, suggest we make out, and then ask if I'd like to take her home. Never happens? You've obviously never lead my life. Now, one might ask what kind of girl is this forward and aggressive? Usually a crazy one, that's what kind. And of course, if the girl is attractive and good in bed, I have no problem asking a one night stand out for dinner that week. Because, really, at this age a date is about finding sex, and if that is a foregone conclusion it makes your dinner check a pretty solid investment.

But normal girls, for the most part, do not follow this "reverse dating" theory. I can often deal with that, but my problem is that I am as transparent as a piece of saran wrap. While I find it very easy to ignore pretty girls at bars or clubs, once I get the smallest inclination one would be legitimately interested (not pimping drinks, but legitimately interested) I show my cards. This is not something I can help. I am easier to read than "Clifford, The Big Red Dog." If I like a girl, I make it painfully obvious. I will call her first, I will ask her out, I will text message her telling her I had a good time. Not incessantly, mind you, I am not desparate. I love being single, I really do, but if the right girl comes along I am not opposed to a relationship either. You see the difference? The trouble, of course, is that women inherently lose interest as soon as it is obvious a guy likes them. And I am completely incapable of feigning apathy.

Similarly, I am an insanely impatient person. Blame it on growing up on MTV and Pepsi, but I need instant gratification. Now, this does not mean I need to sleep with a girl right away, but I do need to know a girl is interested immediately or else I feel like I am wasting my time. Sex is a good way of showing interest, but lacking that there are other methods. You know what's hot to me? Going out with a girl at night, going home, turning on your cell phone at noon the next day and having 5 voicemails and three text messages form the girl you just went out with. I fall in love with shit like that. It lets me know that this girl obviously likes me and obviously appreciates what I have to offer. Who wants someone who is not totally and completely infatuated with them? Can this lead to stalking? Sure, but then again I really see stalking as more of a compliment than an inconvenience. That's the problem with having an enormous ego; you can only be satisfied by someone who loves you as much as you love yourself.

The problem is, the only girls that will be after you that hard are for the most part flat out nuts. Perhaps if girls were less afraid of looking "desperate" or "obvious" and quit playing games, I wouldn't be relegated to bringing girls form rehab to Thanksgiving dinner. But, unfortunately, as much as you ladies complain, you only want guys who treat you like shit so I end up staying with the girls that may be batshit nuts, but at least show me the same interest that I do them.

Why are you ladies so turned off by a guy who is interested? Maybe you like the thrill of the hunt. Maybe you want a challenge. Maybe you figure nice guys are bad in bed. Who knows. What I do know is that while I have become rather adept at sleeping with girls I'll never see again and women I don't like, somehow my inherent niceness becomes my downfall with anyone not fitting into one of those two categories.

So, a word of advice: Don't play hard to get with me or you will lose. If a girl is not constantly showing me that she is interested, I begin to assume she isn't. Since I act the exact same way, I expect a lady to call or text or email within a short period of time to express her mutual admiration. Some may say this makes me insecure. Some may say that I lack confidence. Possibly, or maybe I am as straightforward with women as I am with anyone else and, silly me, I expect the same in return.

Alice has been nice enough to offer up some answers to my questions here in the "She Said" portion of this post. Some interesting insight on her part, if I do say so myself.


At 4:00 PM, Anonymous The Girl Next Door said...

The coke induced sex tirade that ensues with 'your type' may be a bigger part of the equation here 'easy guy'.

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

I just read both blogs.

You and Alice need to collaborate on a treatment for a TV show.

The two of you finally hook up near the end of the third season, and the show totally jumps the shark the next season, ala

Dave and Maddie,
Sam and Diane,
Tony and Angela
Marty and Hannah or
Major Nelson and Jeannie.

10 points to the first one who can name all 5 TV show references.

At 4:21 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Who's the Boss
Anything but Love
Major Dad

At 4:23 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Johnson- get a life.

David in Dc- ha, but no go.

At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Who's the Boss
Anything but Love
I Dream of Jeannie (don't know what the fuck I was thinking with Major Dad)

At 4:25 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

Corectamundo the second time, Johnson

At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Hey, it's not like I sit around watching TV Land all day. I just have a really good memory for useless trivia. Ask me anything that I learned at UM and chances are I probably can't tell you anything useful. But ask me what BA Baracchus' name is from the A-Team and I'll know it (it's Bosco Albert)

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I'm the same way about text messaging and emails. If I like a guy and I keep in touch with him, I want him to keep in touch with me just as much. I don't necessarily give up on him, I just spend the day wondering what I did wrong. Completely healthy crap. Yeah.

At 5:45 PM, Anonymous A. said...

"You know what's hot? Going out with a girl at night, going home... and having 5 voicemails and three text messages form the girl you just went out with... Can this lead to stalking?"

"Why are you ladies so turned off by a guy who is interested?"

Could it be that women are turned off because they take stalking a little more seriously than you do?

BTW it's normal to want someone to reciprocate your interest but if you are consistently attracting psychos, you should consider the possibility that (1) you are bored and want drama in your life or (2) you are an attention-whore. When a psycho comes into your life, he or she devotes a maniacal amount of attention towards you. Psychologically, the only other people who would have devoted this much maniacal attention to you are your parents when you were a child. IOW, you are looking to re-create (or, in the case that your parents neglected you, create) what feels like unconditional love.


At 5:56 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

no, no.
I think it's the potential for rockstar sex. There is no more to a lasting relationship than that.

At 5:59 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

and damit Dade...just a few years too late once again. I was a classic stalker

At 6:25 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

I read both blogs too. When I read Alice's, I was all like, "Haven't we been down this road already?" Then it made sense.

Well, WD, at least you're sleeping with the psycho girls. But I totally understand about the lack of interest in "the thrill of the chase". I think you have to be into that in order to convince the "nice" girl and put in the necessary work to succeed. I can't fake moves and sustain unreturned interest for more than five minutes.

Besides, even if I did do all that work, Alice would just drunkenly cockblock me at the last minute anyway. (I kid!)

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

I too do the reverse dating thing, but have found that I almost never want to actually date those girls. For me, that's more just an obligation that precedes hooking up, rather then spending time with a woman I'm really into. I too hate having to do lenghty pursuits, but I've really had enough of the psycho women.

At 6:59 PM, Blogger Southern Princess said...

I think nice guys that show interest are so damn hot. It's a big turn on for me. Especially if they are funny too

At 7:12 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I agree--do a television show. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a hit and it's nowhere as funny as your posts.

At 8:19 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

OMG, I feel so old! I'm so OVER the whole meeting by one night stand and then dealing with the follow-up. I was going to say something about courting, but it doesn't apply here. When you screw someone at first sight, expect anything (or most likely nothing) as a result. You simply don't have any clue as how this person is, which is why it's always a risky proposition. Just a fact of life! But do enjoy sowing your wild oats -- and safely!

At 9:48 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

I'm apparently in the minority here because I love it when a guy SHOWS interest.

Why should I have to spend my hours translating guyspeak? I can barely handle English.

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Andy said...

This is a good post Dade. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. And when I say "a bit" I mean full fledged, love at first site, hopeless. It's a tough personality type to be, because it's basically your case to the extreme.

At 11:03 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

GND - Actually, the girls I've ben with that were the best were not on drugs. The crazt stripper ex was acutally quite unspectacular.

David - You forgot Lois and Clark (although that would have been a little too obvious)

Johnson - Major Dad? Seriously, dude, that was a family show.

Betty - You don't want to do a TV show? I'm hurt.

Johnson/David - What do those 10 points get Johnson?

Johnson - OYu didn't learn anything at UM anyway, did you?

Tara - Your ego must be surprisingly large too. You don't come off that way.

A - Amazingly spot-on analysis. I am an only child of a single mother. Think that explains ANYTHING? That, and I am an attention whore. Somebody here finally gets me.

JenJen - As I've said, sex with psychos is not always great. Pathalogical liars seem to be extremely skilled, though. Perhaps that bodes well for tha Dub.

Ali - Yeah, you seem to have that same inability to fake things as I do.

BAL - Maybe that just means you are growing up.

SP - Good to know

Angel - Make sure Alice knows that. She seems to have an aversion to doing TV with me.

Manola - Sorry to make you feel old. But, hey, at leaast it can remind you of the fun times, right?

Nicole - Correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a boyfriend, right? How do you not speak "guy" and manage to maintain that?

Andy - Yeah, I'm not exactly a romantic. Just a nice guy with degenerate habits.

At 11:33 AM, Anonymous David in DC said...

The ten points can be used to purchase nothing.

But if you get your score up to 100 points, you can redeem them for a really big fat nothing.

At 1:31 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

It's an interesting theory, but I've had experiences that don't fit the mold. I go through short spurts of being waaayy too forward with women... until I end up in my usual "paying hard to get" nice guy phase. I've ended up with Psycho Girls in both situations.

At 1:32 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

A big fat nothing? So I can purchase a 2005-06 UM offensive lineman or a potential belt contender so that I can challenge WD? Awesome

At 2:22 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

I don't know. Those girls on PPV seem skilled and can't possibly be all that together, I guess I'm missing the definition of Psycho which may be slightly different than crazy.

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Observer said...

You are the best. Man enough to admit that you like the psychos. I too have previously noted this baffling situation. Thanks for affirming. Much appreciated.

At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you answered your own question.

You say that girls get scared off when a guy shows a lot of interest.

But guys do the same thing, and much more often.

So of course girls are not going to send you a million texts and e-mails. They're afraid that YOU will get scared off.

And at the very beginning, they barely know you. What's so wrong with getting to know each other first?

Normal girls (not psychos) tend to get hurt a lot, so they want to take it slow at the beginning. Have a little patience with them. They are scared that you are going to disappear. If you do get into a relationship, there's plenty of time to get all psycho on each other.


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