Monday, June 05, 2006

You Had To Be a Big Shot, Didn't Ya?

If you move to Miami from Indiana, be proud of who you are. Unless you moved here to be a model or run a nightclub, do not think your new 305 cell number gives you license to wear all-white linen to football games.

If you do insist on changing your wardrobe, do not insist on moving to South Beach as soon as you can. While I’m sure it is cool to tell your friends back in Indianapolis (who am I kidding, you don’t talk to them anymore) that you live in South Beach, and it makes a nice picture message to caption “my living room” and send to everyone you know, the realities of $3.50 gas and nonstop traffic kind of make it not-so-cool.

If you do insist on moving to the Beach, do not move into a mildly-trendy rental building and insist on telling me it is “the place to be” every time I tell you I live in Palmetto Bay. Maybe I like being close to Monkey Jungle, did you ever think of that?

If you do insist on talking to me, please also refrain from telling me how “awesome” or “hot” it is at Nikki Beach, Pearl, Opium, Prive, Mynt and the other oft-photographed-in-Ocean Drive places are when you decide to “slum it” in the Grove. Everyone else there was a rich South American or European and you stuck out like a sore thumb. The entire staff laughed when you put your $800 tab on a Discover card. Just so you know.

If you do insist on going to those places, take advantage of it and stay single. Do not shack up with a bleached-blonde "38"-year-old with a facelift and grotesque implants. Although you two do look cute in your matching Versace outfits and $300 sunglasses.

If you do insist on dating a girl made by Mattel, do not break up with her, then begin dating a girl I used to date. Not that I particularly care, but she’ll be spoiled for you.

If you do decide to date a girl I used to date, do not become furious when you two arrive at a party I am at and insist on leaving. I don’t care, I was over it a year ago. Why do you? She must have told you some stuff about me you’d rather not have known. If you do stay at the party, do not insist or sulking in the corner and glaring at me if I talk to your girl. She’s about a 7 at best, there is no need to be so possessive.

If you do insist on being possessive, do not do it at one of the aforementioned trendy spots that you do so adore. There are large bouncers there that will remove you. And when they do attempt to have you forcibly removed, do not tell him if he touches you again you’re going to kick his ass. You won’t win that fight, no matter how “Beach” you think you are. And when he threatens to get the police, don’t tell him to.

If you do insist on having the police remove you in cuffs, do not sit in the back of the cop car yelling “Fuck you, assholes! I pay your fucking salary!” They tend not to like guys with long hair form Indiana who think they own the Beach.

If you do insist on mouthing off to Beach Cops, after you are punched the first time, do not repeat yourself or it will result in lacerations causing you to look vaguely like Mick Foley at the end of a Hardcore match. And from what I hear, the doctors who do stitches in Beach Lockup are not exactly real-life versions of the guys from “Nip/Tuck.” Blood on white linen just screams “Central African Warlord” and that look went out in about 1995.

When I text message your girlfriend telling her I saw you get arrested, do not call me asking me to testify that I saw you get punched. I saw you getting pushed into a cop car as you yelled “What the fuck are you charging me with??!!” That is what I will testify, and nothing more.

Perhaps if you were a normal guy from the Midwest, who had moved here and maybe upgraded his wardrobe a little, but stayed true to himself until he got a little out of hand one night, then maybe I could back you up. Or maybe if you weren’t perpetually trying to live up to the images you see in “Ego Trip” and not running yourself into high-five figure debt to keep up, then maybe I’d have a little sympathy. But if you wanna be a big shot, and you wanna be “Mr. South Beach,” you’d better understand that the police live for beating the shit out of guys like you. You think I’m a hater? My nose is covered in rich people’s shit compared to your typical Beach cop. They arrest professional athletes and celebrities every weekend just for kicks, so when a guy like you decides to mouth off, it’s like Christmas freaking morning. But look on the bright side, bro, I hear Beach Lockup is the place to be.

19 Comments:

At 11:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a superficial life you live

 
At 7:30 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"what a superficial life you live"

Wow, looks like someone missed the point of this post. I think WD is ranting against people who live superficial lifestyles. People who are basically tourists posing as SoBe natives and are constantly trying to prove how "Beach" they are. At least that's what I took from this post anyway.

 
At 8:43 AM, Anonymous MiamiGirl said...

I think I've seen this guy...

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

sounds personal to me.

this guy must have been 3rd string on the Hoosier football team.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

I don't know...but am I "Beach" here on the west side? or is that a guy term? Can I tell SurferMike he is so "Beach"? Is that term a turn on? WTF is "Beach"?

oh yeah, and You Superficial Fuck!

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

There's only on BEACH in this town, baby! :-)

Actually, this post gets a golden stamp of approval from Manola Blablablanik, live and direct from SoBe!

To be "beach" is perfectly explained in this post, but maybe you have to live here to get it. In short, a poser who is a loser.

 
At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Just caught this but the wrestler in that photo is Steve Corino, not Mick Foley. Probably doesn't matter b/c I'm sure most people who read this probably don't know who they are or care.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Ohhhh, dorks and 9er's are 'beach'.
Definitely will find the time to use that one wile falling down drunk insulting someone 5X my size.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon -It's not my life. It's his.

Johnson - Yep. Being "Beach" has a wide array of meanings, but suffice to say there are a lot more people who think they are than actually are.

MG - Were you arrested on Saturday too?

Ale8one - No, this guy went to UM and did not play football. And, no, it is not personal. He started datin that girl like six months after I did. I think I was well into my awful bartender experience by then.

JJ - I always took "Beach" to mean someon who embodies everything that is famous about South Beach. Expensive dinners, trendy clothes and clubs, looks, etc. Many try, but few are.

Manola - Although I tihnk I like your def. better

Johnson - Thank you for that correction. Leave it to you, Johnson.

JJ - It's like 9er. A term you can interpret youraelf.

 
At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

It's really, really hard on your ego when you realize you can't compete, that the only chick you're going to even possibly nach Hause bringen from Ocean is the barely-legal German au-pair whose friend is going with your wing. Worst night of my life was going ballistic on two Russian-mafia gun molls when they snubbed me, then realizing that they were merciful enough to have it handled by the bouncer and not their ahem boyfriends.

Spring Break '98 not such a good time for me.
My sympathies are with your friend, and I really regret that he couldn't divorce his ego from the evening's events. It is, however, harder than you think. Do you have a lot of experience in knuckling under, Dade? (Especially when you consider I was working on being an almost-25 year-old virgin at the time.)

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Betty said...

ale8one- third string on the Hoosier football team, you can be a starting player and still feel the need to make up for a small penis. Have you ever seen our team???? They fucking suck!

 
At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me elaborate. Yes, he is superficial, much more than you. However, you still hang out in those kinds of places, with those kinds of people. Is it a wonder that you only meet airheaded girls and macho boys who get into fights? Try hanging out somewhere that isn't about getting as drunk as possible, looking to see who's the hottest person with the least clothes, and you will meet some amazing people. You are still smarter than that moron you are writing about today, but don't be surprised at what that lifestyle results in: Crossing paths with mindless morons.

 
At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

Yes, WD, you should stop hanging out with us "Beach" people...

 
At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Sober Mormon Joe said...

Hey Dade, didn't you at one point own some Versace Jeans? I seem to recal someone wanting to buy some white linen pants in Vancouver a few years back as well. Fortunately in both cases, those are only things of the past.

 
At 6:18 PM, Anonymous J said...

"...you had to open up your mouth"

Great title by the by.
And folks, being "Beach" means leasing a $100,000 car, not going to Barracuda/Tavern in your baby blue Saturn. Though you do own sock suspenders...

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I'm not sure I want to know, but I'm too curious. What in the world is that first photo about?? What is that? It looks really weird.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Ale8one said...

Betty:

yeah, I know. i live in Louisville and know all about (or lack thereof) IU football.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Euro - What a tale of woe. If only I could travel back in time and give you my advice.

Betty - Yeah, but even the basketball palyers have the same complex. right. Dane Fife. Last word.

Anon - NO, I am not surprised to see them at all. But I can still make fun of them, right?

Cliff - Maybe I just need to stop hangin around "Bay" people.

SMJ - The clothes do not neccessarily make the jackasss, my friend. Linen is okay, but not to a college football game. Ya dig?

J - Those were Marine Corps issue. I make no apologies.

Tara - That was a google image search result for "blood stained linen."

 
At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi!
I like your story.
But you'd better take a look here to find a really DIFFERENT dating site.
Looks amazing, agree? :-)
You can also find my pics and more about me on my page www.livedatesearch.com/jessica
Read more about me or drop me a message from there.
Chao!
Jessica

 

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