You Had To Be a Big Shot, Didn't Ya?
If you move to
If you do insist on changing your wardrobe, do not insist on moving to
If you do insist on moving to the Beach, do not move into a mildly-trendy rental building and insist on telling me it is “the place to be” every time I tell you I live in
If you do insist on talking to me, please also refrain from telling me how “awesome” or “hot” it is at Nikki Beach, Pearl, Opium, Prive, Mynt and the other oft-photographed-in-Ocean Drive places are when you decide to “slum it” in the Grove. Everyone else there was a rich South American or European and you stuck out like a sore thumb. The entire staff laughed when you put your $800 tab on a Discover card. Just so you know.
If you do insist on going to those places, take advantage of it and stay single. Do not shack up with a bleached-blonde "38"-year-old with a facelift and grotesque implants. Although you two do look cute in your matching Versace outfits and $300 sunglasses.
If you do insist on dating a girl made by Mattel, do not break up with her, then begin dating a girl I used to date. Not that I particularly care, but she’ll be spoiled for you.
If you do decide to date a girl I used to date, do not become furious when you two arrive at a party I am at and insist on leaving. I don’t care, I was over it a year ago. Why do you? She must have told you some stuff about me you’d rather not have known. If you do stay at the party, do not insist or sulking in the corner and glaring at me if I talk to your girl. She’s about a 7 at best, there is no need to be so possessive.
If you do insist on being possessive, do not do it at one of the aforementioned trendy spots that you do so adore. There are large bouncers there that will remove you. And when they do attempt to have you forcibly removed, do not tell him if he touches you again you’re going to kick his ass. You won’t win that fight, no matter how “Beach” you think you are. And when he threatens to get the police, don’t tell him to.
If you do insist on having the police remove you in cuffs, do not sit in the back of the cop car yelling “Fuck you, assholes! I pay your fucking salary!” They tend not to like guys with long hair form
If you do insist on mouthing off to Beach Cops, after you are punched the first time, do not repeat yourself or it will result in lacerations causing you to look vaguely like Mick Foley at the end of a Hardcore match. And from what I hear, the doctors who do stitches in Beach Lockup are not exactly real-life versions of the guys from “Nip/Tuck.” Blood on white linen just screams “Central African Warlord” and that look went out in about 1995.
When I text message your girlfriend telling her I saw you get arrested, do not call me asking me to testify that I saw you get punched. I saw you getting pushed into a cop car as you yelled “What the fuck are you charging me with??!!” That is what I will testify, and nothing more.
Perhaps if you were a normal guy from the