Since I’ve been gone for a few days, and will be gone for a few more this weekend, I thought I’d write a few rants to give you something to peruse in my absence. And yes, I know it’s the fifth, and you can read one or four or none of these if you like, but I’ve had a lot on my mind since I saw you all last on Friday and I felt I should share….
RANT #1 – Control Your Jewish Ego
JewBag, who for years was my only friend in New York, decided to pay South Florida a little visit this weekend. Some of you had the pleasure of meeting him during my stay in the Big City, as he accompanied me to Monkey Pants' Birthday soiree at Happy Endings. At any rate, we were out on Friday night when he called some girl he knew from NY to meet us at the Abbey. Apparently she was from Miami and visiting for the weekend as well. Her and her sister and her friend show up and could not have been painted better by The IJC himself. One even lived at Windsor Court, no joke. Another lived in Chelsea and reminded me of a certain DG from Texas A&M who will forever live in infamy. The third was a fat girl (we will get to her later). At any rate, they carried on a rather banal conversation about New York while I looked bored and sucked on a Hennessey on the Rocks waiting for the night to end. Mercifully, it did as JewBag and I retired to Aventura for the evening, sans any female companionship. And this was not a bad thing.
On the ride back, JewBag says to me, “Man, that girl just didn’t seem to be into me, I don’t get it,” referring to the Windsor Court resident that he had previously been scoping out up north. I informed him that not every girl is going to be into him, as I learned by about age 12. “Yeah,” he said, “but you don’t get it. I’m the guy she’s looking for. Her parents are pressuring her to meet a nice Jewish Boy with good career prospects and I’m it. I just don’t get it.” Okay, JewBag, hold the phone here. First of all, I understand that the prospect of The Big Shift makes you think that every single Jewish girl you meet is going to love you, but that is not the case. Second, you are a decent looking guy, but I doubt the minute you walk into a room every girl in there stops and immediately wants your dick. Slow your roll, homie, because while I’m sure a balding Jewish guy with a rich family and a masters from NYU is a hot commodity, you are not going to be irresistible simply by showing up. You are not God’s gift to women, as exemplified by your policy of only accepting blowjobs and never returning the favor or having sex until you are in a relationship, and as such need to understand that there will just be girls who don’t like you. Third, don’t think that all you have to do to get a girl is breathe. It does take some work. If I were a Jewish girl, I would be offended. I know they’re not that easy.