The Art of Telling Someone to Eat a Dick

If you haven’t noticed, I tend to tell a lot of people to Eat A Dick. This is not so much a disrespectful remark, but more of a way of saying good-bye. It started several years ago, I think from Biff, who often told us to Eat a Dick when we drunk dialed him at 3 AM as he was trying to sleep. Eventually, telling us to Eat a Dick was not enough and Biff just stopped talking to us altogether and the orders of eating dick ceased for the time being. It picked up again when my roommate worked with some valet parking guy who just told everyone to eat a dick all the time. But that alone got old. We started making little variations like “Eat a Cuban Dick “ or “eat an Asian Rice Dick.” And then it evolved even more until one day one of us signed an email with “Enjoy your Arroz Con Dick and See See See Ya Later!” And so a tradition began and now every email exchanged between me and my friends ends with telling them to eat some well known dish, except that dish must include the word “dick.”

Now it is not so easy as one would assume to create interesting meals with Dick. It has to sound funny or else it just comes off as forced and trite. For instance, you would not say “Go have some Spaghetti with Dick Sauce” since it really would encompass a whole genre of food rather than one specific item. Likewise, you cannot say “Eat a Mongolian Beef Dick” since you would still be telling someone to Eat a Dick, and just modifying it with an entrée. (You could say Eat a Mongolian Dick, but that could also imply fallating a guy form Mongolia, which is really not the intent) No, the Dick must be substituted for whatever meat, vegetable or grain is used as the base for the entrée. For instance, I might tell a friend of mine to “enjoy some Dick Au Poivre,” or “Why don’t you much on some crackers and dick pate?” Here are a few commonly used dishes that my friends and I like to tell each other to eat:

Dick Confit

Dick Kiev

Dick Au Jus

Arroz con Dick

Lemon Pepper Crusted Dick

Beer Battered Dick Rings

It also works for desserts:

Dick Suzette

Dick Du chocolate

Dicks Foster

Triple Layer Decadence Dick

Or Beverages:

Dick Con Leche

Dick Collins

Dick on the Rocks

But this expression can be modified to insult someone’s ethnicity as well. Which I find particularly fun. For example:

Asian:

“Hey Seuc, go eat a Moo Goo Gai Dick!”

Black:

“Johnson, go home and finish your collared dick and watermelon”

Cuban:

“How about you go down to Versailles and order yourself a nice big plate of Dick Vieja?”

Japanese:

“Listen, Suki, how about you sit on the floor, drink some sake, and eat some dick tempura?”

Jewish:

“Go home and eat some Gefilte Dick?”

Italian:

“Hey Tony, I hear your mom makes some great Dick Pizzaiola”

Mexican:

“Olale, homes, have some rice and refried dick”

Irish:

“You Graig, I bet you could go for a Guinness and Shepard’s Dick right about now, couldn’t you?”

British:

“How ‘bout you eat some Dick and Chips?”

French:

“Tonight you will be eating brie and Foie Dick, Monsieur.”

Greek/Afghan:

“Dick Kebab, anyone?”

Jamaican:

“Eat some oxtail and curry dick”

Indian:

“You want to shoplift in my store? Eat a Tandoori Dick!”

It really can go on and on. So next time one of your friends, or even someone you don't like, pisses you off, or you need a clever way to end an email, tell them to eat some Filet of Dick with a Red Wine Reduction. They may look at you funny, but eventually it will catch on, and you may be noted as the trendsetter that you so strive to be. Just make sure you give credit where credit is due. When I see Brad Pitt saying this in a movie, I will know I have left my legacy.