Thursday, July 20, 2006

As if I Needed Another Reason to Despise Florida State

We take our beer pong pretty goddamned seriously. Which is why I did not especially appreciate a group of Trailerhassee Trash attempting to take over my Green-and-Orange “U” emblazoned Beer Pong table with their little drinking game called “I’m a Raging Flaming Queen.” Some of you may know it as Flip Cup.


Flip cup, for those who didn’t go to college, is a sort of relay-race drinking game where teams line up on opposite sides of a table. One person on each team chugs a beer then attempts to flip their now-drained cup over once they are finished. Once they have completed this task, the chugging-and-flipping responsibilities are passed to the next person on the team until the entire team is done. It really requires no discernable skill other than having a wrist limp enough to flip a plastic cup upside-down, and has absolutely no place in a fine drinking establishment like Tavern in The Grove. A frat party, maybe. A football tailgate, okay. But definitely not in a bar. Though I suppose Florida State has always lagged far behind Miami in both athletics and academics, so it would reason that they would shun the coordination, strategy, stamina and mental toughness required for Beer Pong in favor of this relay race for spaz’s and retards.

My roommate and I took over the Beer Pong table from some idiots playing 10 Cup Pong in a crowded bar (VERY inconsiderate) and won another three games in a row. As we basked in the glory of yet another Pong conquest, we were approached by a trio of blondes that more or less made the Cowgirls look like the three little pigs. I will give one thing to Florida State; they do have some unbelievable women. Unbelievable looking, and unbelievably stupid. One of these blow-up-dolls with a pulse was so naive as to inform me that it was now time to play Flip Cup, which I found rather odd since we had just run the table and, by any bar rules, had the right to determine what would be played. I guess Miss Trailer Park 2006 failed to realize that a 26-year-old local is a little bit different that a 20-year-old frat boy playing pong at the TKE house in Tally. But she quickly learned.

One thing I love about myself is that I have the innate ability to tell a drop-dead gorgeous woman to fuck off and shut her cock-holster when I think she is out of line. Actually, I rather enjoy it. There is really no better feeling than saying "no" to someone who always hears "yes." So this solid 9 and a half and her equally as nubile friends are trying to move in on my pong table after I just won 3 games in a row? Not in my Tavern, bitch.

"If you wanna play us a Beer Pong, go to the bar, buy yourself a pitcher, and we can play. Otherwise get off the table and give someone else a chance.” Stunned that her appearance did not immediately force me to give in, she tried another tactic. "No, here's how it's gonna go," she told me, now flanked by a couple more knockout friends and a few dudes who were obviously trying to use flip-cup as a prelude to flip-skirt. "We're gonna come on the table and play flip cup, and you're gonna leave." I looked her dead in her baby-blue eyes and said "No, sweetie. I'm sure you think you're cute and that we're just gonna up and leave because you want us to. But it doesn’t work like that in this bar. We play pong on this table, not faggy-cup or whatever it is you play in Tally. So you can go stand over there and wait your turn and hope we lose, or you can shut the fuck up and go home."

So she had her dudes play us for rights to the table, since they apparently had not developed the ability to tell a hot girl “No.” And we dispatched them quickly as well. Just to drive home our point, we played a couple from FSU and beat them in four turns. Which made the bleached-blonde from Sarasota who kept showing us her ass-crack as she tried to distract us from making the One Cup ask us "Wow, you guys looked like you would suck. You're pretty damn good. Where do you go to school?" I smiled. I still look young enough to be in college. Or at least I do after a night of beer-pong in a dark bar. "Thanks," I told her, "We don't go to school. We go here. Beer Pong is all we've got." Fuck you, Florida State. Go home, play your Flippy Cup, and I’ll see your sorry asses on Labor Day.

29 Comments:

At 3:47 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

"Cock holster" -- that's...uh... that's a new one...for uh...me.


Wow.

 
At 4:41 PM, Anonymous Bill said...

We dont go to school, we go here ... thats just funny

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger T. said...

I don't know who I hate more in the story, the obnoxious hot girls or the lame dudes that can't say no to them. After all, if it wasn't for guys like that, the girls wouldn't be so obnoxious.

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

'cock holster'
That's hot.
Finally a post Dade.
I've been fucking bingeing for 2 days no less.
I got your message (that Qbert). Was it a 2 day hangover?

oh yeah and MVTT -
Eugene decided I may have 1 day telecommute to which I gave my notice....a long notice. I will stay thru the quarter and 9/30 is my lasto dayo.

btw - my sissy has been living it up at the mansion. She told Kendra that I love her show, so we're all gonna hang out. I'll be sure not to think of them as a room of 'cock holster' or did you mean 'coke hores'...same diff.

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Johnson, Ashburnite...? Did you join the crickets. Please get to work and put up a god damned post.
JenJen

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I went to college and sadly have never heard of the flip cup game. I missed out on a lot. Good for you for just saying "no" to that lady. Who did she think she was dealing with, anyway? Bah.

 
At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

I gotta say, I'm a fan of flip cup....but I think it may have alot to do with the fact that I am waaay too good at it...similar to the reason I went with water polo over football...and at State school, it really was a great way to initiate flirtation...at a large party it also lets alot more people participate in binge drinking at the same time...so I was a fan....but with that said, it does not belong in the Tavern, Pong does, and Kudos for blowing them off..

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous J said...

Now, I love me some flip cup AND some beer pong. Flip cup does involve the adept skill of quickly chugging and possessing the dexterity to flip the cup. However, winners make the rules and as long as anyone is manning the table with either game, it stays.

And I do believe I'm correct in saying that cock-holster is a Marine term, am I right?

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

jenjen- sorry...I've been very lazy lately...trying to get used to this fucking no-gluten diet.

dade- I love that you didn't let a 9.5 take over your table. that's why you're my favorite hott guy :-)

and flip-cup?? please bitch, learn a game that requires some skill- like beer pong.

 
At 7:42 PM, Anonymous pravda77 said...

After the "Fidelis" and "West of I-95" posts, I was beginning to question why I consider you one of my fave bloggers. I grew up in Ft. Lauderdale and now live in Sobe, so the "you don't know Miami" post wasn't that great to me, let me reiterate TO ME (please, no comments from everyone who thought it was on the money).

But once again WD, you've shown me why:
"We play pong..., not faggy cup of whatever you call it..."
"We don't go to school. We go here."

hahahahhahaha! I look forward to your comic relief (or rants, if you will) at the end of the day. Keep up the good work.

 
At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Sorry JenJen, I've been too busy living my exciting life of drinking Natty Light and watching my friend close real estate deals in IHOP. I will do some quality blogging sometime soon. Well, I'll do some blogging but I can't guarantee it'll be quality or that it won't suck. What happened to your blog by the way?

Flip Cup does indeed bite the proverbial nutsack. I hate that game. It's hockey, Power Hour or nothing for Johnson and The Gables Crew.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I learned much of my co-ordination during beer drinking games.

 
At 10:13 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

This one is CHOCK FULL of Dadisms that I will probably carry with me for the rest of my days. I mean, hello, "I'm a raging, flaming QUEEN"??? BWAHAHAHA!!!

 
At 10:14 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Not that I've never HEARD "raging, flaming queen" before. But in this context it touched me.

 
At 10:17 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

I have nothing against flipcup myself, but I will definitely be passing your quote "It really requires no discernable skill other than having a wrist limp enough to flip a plastic cup upside-down" to my friend who insists on claiming he's the greatest flipcup player ever.

I told him he was the 'Stephon Marbury of flipcup' once, but I don't think he got the message.

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

I can't WAIT to tell this gay guy at work to shut his cock holster. He is the most negative person I have ever met and no matter what story you are telling people, he has a worse story to tell or has been in the same situation but SOOOOOO much worse.
The worst part of it is that he isn't funny at all. No redeeming qualities at all.
WD- at least you have learned, if you are gonna bitch, be funny dammit!!!!

 
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Awesome, I'm back up to #1 on the blog roll. I guess I'm only 1 by default now that JenJen's journal no longer seems to be in existance but I'll take it. To quote Homer Simpson, "Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault!"

 
At 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

See the only reason I raed this post is because I thought you'd be ragging on the entire state of Florida, not just the school. Even though I'm all about competitive drinking, I'm more in favor of hating on the state of Florida. I lived there for about 6 months and man was it miserable. Fucking people down there suck, social scene sux and the weather sux. I was moved there against my will (because of work) and holy shit did I get outta there fast.

White dade - moving/living in Florida is a submission of death. I mean people go there to die. So get out.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

sweet.
Basically, I quit...all the way around. I quit my job, I quit my blog. twang. twang. So as I can harass all of you. Keeping ya consistent.
Thanks for the shouts. See ya in Vegas...walking out the door onto Hwy 15 now. Del Taco here I come.
The best man wins..congrats Johnson on your new hierarchal rating.
p.s. ahhhh, Natty Light. my #2 Those were the days ...

 
At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

Where I come from, we call beer pong "Beirut".
Really.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Dear WD, am I missing something? What is the skill involved in flipping the cup?

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

"What is the skill involved in flipping the cup?"

You could argue there is no skill involved...but who cares, the game wasn't created to rival darts or billiards, it was created to get alot of people drunk in a short period of time, and so they could have fun doing it...and if it's not something you find fun, then there's no need to play...you could always chug beer alone in the corner...

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Um ... duh ... but, I really meant the question literally, Cliff ... are you just chugging the beer and putting the cup face down on the table?

 
At 1:45 PM, Anonymous J said...

Manola,
You put the cup on the edge of the table and hit the bottom to flip it over. When you are able to flip your cup so that it lands upside down, your turn is completed and you pass the metaphorical baton to the next person in the "relay". There is certainly skill involved in rapidly chugging and flipping a cup under pressure. I'm a fan--a great party game.

 
At 1:48 PM, Anonymous J said...

Anon- the social scene sucks?? The weather sucks? Where exactly did you live?

 
At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice. Very humorous post and or rant. Thank goodness there is so much to rant about or else we would be out of cranky white dade blogs. Class act with the girls...you got some balls.

DPTT, woooo hooooooooo!!! So happy for you!! CONGRATS! Apparently your coffee making skills suck....tehhhehehe. Cuz, uh, nevermind.

MVTT

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

OOOOKAY

MPants - YOu have obviously never served in the US Military

Bill - We DID go to school. We just don't anymore.

T - Absolutely. Why I only blame the girls for 50% of it.

JenJen - WOw, you must be really pissed today then. Can I hang at the Mansion too? You promise me some pool time in the grotto and I move back.

Tara - So, do you have ANY vices?

Cliff - I will play flip cup, but if I am on a POng run there is no fucking way in Hell. Ask Frigo about Friday's party.

J - Marine term. Yes. I could have used soup cooler or sandwich clamp, but i liked this one better.

Ash - Thank you. Althgouh I am guessing you played your fair share at PSU.

Pravda - As Larry recently told me: You can't hit every one out of the park unless they start paying me for this shit. And some liked those. But I appreciate that you appreciate me.

Johnson - ANother rant I knew you would appreciate

Angel - And you are going to be a Doctor? Man, I hope you aren't in a surgical program.

Nicole - Your dad calls peopel a "raging flaming queen?" Cool.

RP - If he didn't get it, it just further goes to prove my theory about people who play flipcup.

Rachel - It begs the question, though: Which is more annoying: Complaining or bragging

Anon - How did you come upon my blog, may I aks?

Euro - Yes. I have heard it called that. Ironic given your locale, but still accurate.

Manola - See J's response.

Cliff - Do not knock chugging beer alone in the corner. YOu may rase the Ire of one Matthew Juvah Johnson.

MVTT - Your biting sarcasm of late intrigues me. Where was this three years ago.

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

Well done. The part that I enjoy most about that post is the beer pong vs flip cup. I love me some beer pong. Flip cup, however, sucks my nuts. Sadly flip cup is viewed with something akin to religious fervor in my kickball league. It's hard to complain, because it leads to kickball women drinking heavily. But that doesn't mean I enjoy playing.

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Captain Gold Bond said...

It's a shame that people who play beer pong can't get laid....

White Trash (Dade, whatever), you are reading from the Dewey Beach Beer Pong Champion. ALL my boys LOVE Beer pong. What you morons don't get is that Beer pong at a party only services 4 guests (assuming 1 table - which is usually the case). The rest of us have to wait forever b/c not everyone is good at the game. Not your fault, not my fault.

Flip cup, however, chicks LOVE to play. Maybe you haven't "really played" (other than with yourself) the game. Also, due to it's relay base, an infinite number of party guests (at least a considerable number GREATER THAN 4) can play. Thusly accomodating ALL party guests interested in doing something. B/c damn, it sure sucks waiting for you to finish your game so I can kick your ass. B/c damn, if flip cup aint good enough for you, try Jager flip cup.

 

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