Don't Be That Guy Volume I - The Sober Sexual Predator
It's 3:00 AM. Or 1:00 AM or 2:00 AM or maybe even Midnight if you live in
Now there are some guys out there who go out and don't drink for somewhat excusable reasons, if there is such a thing. Maybe he is the designated driver (although I have been hard pressed to find a group of people who hold fast to this rule) or maybe he is a Mormon or devout Muslim or going through rehab. While I pity these guys and the fun they are missing out on, their reasons for remaining sober are, at least, somewhat upstanding. Unfortunately most boys still at the bar at whoring hour are choosing not to drink for much more sinister reasons. What are they doing? Sitting in the corner, sucking on a soda water with lime disguised as a cocktail, and waiting for the girls to get drunk. And then pouncing.
The Sober Sexual Predator goes out with his "drinking" buddies, but instead of drinking he opts for a non-alholic drink, cleverly disguised as booze, and observes women. Keeping his wits about him, he knows exactly what to do and who to target. Once he finds the girl who has put away enough vodka to kill a baby elephant and appears to have little if any self esteem, he approaches her, buys her one more shot to push her over the edge, isolates her from her friends, and takes her home. Since he is “sober” and can get her home “safe.” What happens after that is usually a sexual encounter that the girls chooses to forget, and the SSP will grossly exaggerate to his friends who were too drunk to remember him leaving. The worst part is that he typically thinks he is a better person than the sot at the end of the bar who has been French kissing a Jack and Coke all night. Sorry, SSP, it is you, you sick fuck, who is the social pariah. Because while a Dean Martin Drink-Alike may go around the bar in a stupor, and may very well make inappropriate advances towards women, he is at worst laughed off as a harmless drunk and all is forgotten. You, on the other hand, are one step away from being put in “special population.”
Have I slept with some girls that were just as likely to vomit on me as sleep with me? Of course. But you know what, sicko? I was just as drunk as they were. If not more so. But you, on the other hand, are staying at a bar for the express purpose of finding a woman too drunk to tell you no. Shame on you. And shame on you again for pulling this "holier-than-thou" bullshit on your drunken friends the next day as you brag about your borderline illegal conquest. You come home and tell us we are wrong for drinking so much and that maybe if we'd drank less we would have gotten some? Fuck. You. Asshole.
Listen, slimeball, unlike you I do not go to a bar to find girls to sleep with. If they are there, fine, but my main mission is to get as drunk as humanly possible. And unlike you girls find me attractive without being in a mind-altered state. You, sir, are beyond socially unacceptable for going out to a drinking establishment with the sole objective of taking advantage of an intoxicated female. You're just a fucking joke.
The moral of this story? When you go to a bar, drink. You look much less shady and are probably a more upstanding indiviual. Drinking in a bar is not a bad thing, since that's pretty much what bars were created for. But staying sober in order to score some mentally incapacitated trim? That’s just sick. You, sir, are a borderline sociopath and have no place in my social circle. So go up to the bar, do a few shots of 151, and talk to me when you can't talk clearly. And for the love of God leave the girls alone. If they don't like you sober, they're never going to like you drunk.