Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Don't Be That Guy Volume I - The Sober Sexual Predator

It's 3:00 AM. Or 1:00 AM or 2:00 AM or maybe even Midnight if you live in Arizona. The point is it is an hour until last call and you are blitzed and so are your friends and you are either looking for something to take home or for the nearest garbage can. And maybe you confuse one for the other, I don’t know. You have been steady drinking ever since you took your last bite of dinner and would be lucky to remember your middle name. Maybe you are going to hook up, maybe you aren't, but it doesn't really matter; you’re sloshed like a fat girl on Valentines Day and don't really care. But as you look around the room, you spot him, leering in the corner with what appears to be a gin and tonic: The Sober Sexual Predator.

Now there are some guys out there who go out and don't drink for somewhat excusable reasons, if there is such a thing. Maybe he is the designated driver (although I have been hard pressed to find a group of people who hold fast to this rule) or maybe he is a Mormon or devout Muslim or going through rehab. While I pity these guys and the fun they are missing out on, their reasons for remaining sober are, at least, somewhat upstanding. Unfortunately most boys still at the bar at whoring hour are choosing not to drink for much more sinister reasons. What are they doing? Sitting in the corner, sucking on a soda water with lime disguised as a cocktail, and waiting for the girls to get drunk. And then pouncing.

The Sober Sexual Predator goes out with his "drinking" buddies, but instead of drinking he opts for a non-alholic drink, cleverly disguised as booze, and observes women. Keeping his wits about him, he knows exactly what to do and who to target. Once he finds the girl who has put away enough vodka to kill a baby elephant and appears to have little if any self esteem, he approaches her, buys her one more shot to push her over the edge, isolates her from her friends, and takes her home. Since he is “sober” and can get her home “safe.” What happens after that is usually a sexual encounter that the girls chooses to forget, and the SSP will grossly exaggerate to his friends who were too drunk to remember him leaving. The worst part is that he typically thinks he is a better person than the sot at the end of the bar who has been French kissing a Jack and Coke all night. Sorry, SSP, it is you, you sick fuck, who is the social pariah. Because while a Dean Martin Drink-Alike may go around the bar in a stupor, and may very well make inappropriate advances towards women, he is at worst laughed off as a harmless drunk and all is forgotten. You, on the other hand, are one step away from being put in “special population.”

Have I slept with some girls that were just as likely to vomit on me as sleep with me? Of course. But you know what, sicko? I was just as drunk as they were. If not more so. But you, on the other hand, are staying at a bar for the express purpose of finding a woman too drunk to tell you no. Shame on you. And shame on you again for pulling this "holier-than-thou" bullshit on your drunken friends the next day as you brag about your borderline illegal conquest. You come home and tell us we are wrong for drinking so much and that maybe if we'd drank less we would have gotten some? Fuck. You. Asshole.

Listen, slimeball, unlike you I do not go to a bar to find girls to sleep with. If they are there, fine, but my main mission is to get as drunk as humanly possible. And unlike you girls find me attractive without being in a mind-altered state. You, sir, are beyond socially unacceptable for going out to a drinking establishment with the sole objective of taking advantage of an intoxicated female. You're just a fucking joke.

The moral of this story? When you go to a bar, drink. You look much less shady and are probably a more upstanding indiviual. Drinking in a bar is not a bad thing, since that's pretty much what bars were created for. But staying sober in order to score some mentally incapacitated trim? That’s just sick. You, sir, are a borderline sociopath and have no place in my social circle. So go up to the bar, do a few shots of 151, and talk to me when you can't talk clearly. And for the love of God leave the girls alone. If they don't like you sober, they're never going to like you drunk.


At 3:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent post WD. Even though you are from Florida and I hate Florida and most people that live there, I think we share some pretty striking similarities. You may break the mental mold I have of Floridians. Using the word "trim" makes me want to be your friend because I just don't hear that outside of my high school friends (that's a good thing). I'm with you in that the purpose of going to a bar is to get drunk and if you meet a girl that wants to fuck more power to me/you, but the reason for going to a bar is to get shitty and have fun. Mother-fuck those SSPs (I like the coinage of that term).

At 4:00 PM, Anonymous MiamiGringo said...

I completely agree WD. The sad thing is, Dade county has more of these than we'd like to admit, and even more bars that don't give a rats ass what's going on so long as someone's shelling out the cash.

I know a couple of these sick fucks and I damn near want to kick their asses every single time I see them pull this exact stunt. I've come to several girls' rescue in this situation, and the funny thing is, we usually become good friends (not sexual) afterwards!

At 4:26 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

I agree with most of your thesis here, Dade, and guys who pull this shit are seriously fucked up monsters... but I think there are plenty of excusable reasons not to drink while at the bar. That said, on those occasions when I'm out and I choose not to drink, I usually end up leaving early so I don't stick around to watch these clowns pull this crap or get misidentified as one. On that note... where the hell is the bar in cyberspace? Is it happy hour yet in the blogosphere? I need a drink.

At 6:06 PM, Blogger T. said...

I had a acquaintance that was an SSP, he was this really sleazy french guy. He was the scuzziest guy I ever met. He'd even make mental notes as to which girls where on route to being the first person passed out. He was not only an SSP, he had drunk radar.

The worst had to be the SSPs have to be the ones I met who pulled that on Spring Break Cancun of all places.

At 9:37 AM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

I think I live with an SSP, I'm glad to find out that there's a word for it. By the way he's the worst wingman ever.

I'll post on him in the future


At 10:26 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

What about the women who stay sober to hook up with a drunk guy? Are those SSP's too?
If so, I think I need to go to therapy.....j/k

At 10:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I learned a long time ago, don't trust people who don't drink in bars. That being said, I've fallen victim to the female SSP. Worst part was, I woke up at least a 20min cab ride from my place and no idea where I was (pre cell phone days). Yeah, I'll call you /ditching into the apt complex next door (via back alley) to prevent future stalking

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"What about the women who stay sober to hook up with a drunk guy? "

Those exist? And if so, where do I find them?

At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

I think I'd be classified as the "Sober Free Diet Coke Predator" or something of that classification. Oooooh, I know, "Sober Get Dade wasted so he will let me drive the BMW Predator" or SGDWSHWLMDTBMWP for short. I'd probably have to get laid before the "Sexual" tag would be added.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - Florida, really, is not that bad. I have come to prefer Floridians to most Cslfornians, actually.

MG - I haven;t noticed THAT many here since Latine guys are often hard pressed to refuse aloohol. But I knew a LOT in California.

Mini - A virtual bar? If I could get wasted from sitting on the internet, I'm not sure that would be agood thing.

T - A French guy? Sleazy? Surely you jest, sir.

VK - Give me the heads up when you do

Rachel - Why would you want to take advantage of drunk guys? THEY'LL DO IT SOBER AND PROBABLY PERFORM BETTER.

Anon - I've had a few nights like that too. I generally don't escape as those types of girls usually have some good food in their kitchens.

Johnson - Please. As a 2-time champ I bleieve you have found several

Joe - You're Mormon. Case closed.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Tilly said...

Nice work. I have been the victim of the SSP, in hind-sight, and the post-drinking anxiety is way, way worse. It's surprising, yet somehow understandable, that friends "trust" a sober stranger to "get her home safe." Sneaky psycho fuckers. Glad to hear that you don't subscribe.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger T. said...

Dade, I actually understand Rachel's point. There are some chicks who know no guy will touch them unless they're drunk. We used to call them 2AM'ers. At 2AM, most guys have already been shot down by the hotter girls and are so drunk that their standards are out the window. That's when the 2AM'er strikes.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Sofi said...

Being a non-drinking, non-practicing Mormon, and a rehab graduate, I'm the sober girl at the end of the bar. I've never taken advantage of a drunk guy, but it's amazing how easy it would be to rob one. If I had been blessed with a criminal mind, this would be an easy way to make a living.

At 10:00 AM, Blogger Betty said...

I didn't read this till today, but last night I saw a sober sexual predator. This guy has no personality and is friends with my friends. He is also going to the hamptons with them- I will however not be going. Last summer, after a party, as I was getting a cab, this guy came up to me as I was gettin into it and jumped in and said I am coming home with you. Disgusting. I think his lack of personality makes this his MO.


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