Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Fidelis Must Be Latin for "Bragging About Sex"

Jarhead is one of the few movies I have enjoyed vastly more than the book. And no, I am not some Jake Gyllenhaal-loving homo, nor do I hate on Tony Swofford for being a Marine who can write who actually did something with his talent. No, the reason I like the movie so much better than the book is that it left out all the useless shit Swofford threw in that was completely irrelevant to the Gulf War story. And by irrelevant shit, I mean irrelevant Sex Stories.

Swofford, like so many US Marines, finds it necessary to work a sexual anecdote into every otherwise asexual story. Sadly, he is far from the exception. During my time in the Corps, I noticed that most Marines were wholly incapable of carrying on a conversation without including some form of sexual braggartry. And with these anecdotes inevitably came a lengthy physical description of how drop-dead hot the girl was, since we all know Marines have such high, high standards. For some reason Marines can't jut say "I was dating this girl," or "I slept with this chick." They will instead will phrase it more like "I was dating the smoldering Brazilian model" or "I was fucking this girl for like nine hours and she asked for it in the ass." Tasteless, truly tasteless.

After a few years of swapping Fuck Tales, I began to realize that 90% of them were grossly exaggerated or bullshit. And that anybody getting that much ass was not fucking 9's and 10's. It began to get extremely irritating. It is one thing to relay a tale of a sexual encounter, I guess among guys those sorts of thing come up. It is quite another for me to say, "Hey, Suarez, can you hand me that 3/8 socket wrench" and have Suarez go, "Yeah. Man, this thing is about the same size as the vibrator I was using on this girl last week. Man, she was sooo smoking hot." And that is pretty close to a real conversation I once had while replacing a radiator.

My mom once said that all men are like this. But having spent considerable time around Marines and civilians, I can safely say Marines are 100 times worse. Here is my theory as to why this is: Marines have a LOT of time on their hands, both in peacetime and in war, so the common subject of sex often comes up. Marines are intuitively alpha-males and are constantly trying to one-up each other due to the macho image of the Corps. So the natural progression of "Who fucked a hotter chick" or "Who partook in the more depraved sex act" is to be expected. The stories are almost always either made-up or exaggerated, so Devil Dogs have to start inventing shit to look like the bigger stud in front of other Marines. Also, Marines are, for the most part pretty fucking stupid, and the notion of tact and etiquette when discussing sex is often lost on guys with an IQ of 38. Lastly, Marines do not adapt well to the civilian world. So when put back out into society, they may well find stories of banging a silicone-enhanced stripper to be normal bar chat with a group of fellow mortgage brokers at Happy Hour, when in fact their cohorts are usually thinking "What a braggart asshole."

I make a concerted effort to not brag about sexual conquests too much. An occasional story is okay, but you will never hear me talking about how smoking hot some girl I slept with was, or get into too much detail about what we did. I find it truly tasteless and irrelevant and, to me at least, bragging makes me lose respect for you rather than gain it. Like JoPa once said "Act like you've been there before." So while there are many positive traits I have retained from my time in the Marines, excessive bragging about sexual conquest is certainly not one of them. That is, of course, unless you ask.


At 3:20 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Yeah, I've definitely noticed that about a lot of marines. And yes, I've been around a lot of them (my dad was a jarhead). That's one of the reasons I find it so hard to picture you as a marine- you have a lot more class than most of the ones I've known.
by the way....you wouldn't happen to still have your uniform, would you? ;-)

oh, and since you quoted JoePa in this post, you are now officially my favorite blogger :-)

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

I had a customer in Quantico. The one and only time I went to visit, I was VERY impressed with their (seemingly) caffeine induced salutations.

"Yes, SIR! Not a problem SIR."
And I was just a contractor. Very disciplined... I'd have these guys watch my back ANY day of the week, as well as my brethren in the Canadian Forces, of course.

At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Ben said...

"excessive bragging about sexual conquest is certainly not one of them. That is, of course, unless you ask"... but not if you share the same girl a day later. I don't think you will ever want to share that one.

At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Feuer the Destroyer said...

Let's just say I'm happy my sister dated Swofford AFTER the book came out.

First post, btw.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Shannona said...

You're Jewish AND can change a radiator? Now that's hot!

At 8:30 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

This post makes me realize that I know absolutely ZERO Marines. I've dealt with Army guys and my father was in the Air Force.

Well, unless you count my best friend's cretinous husband but he was only in the Reserves. It's a shame since his IQ level totally backs up your "Marines are idiots" allegation.

At 9:05 AM, Blogger David Amulet said...

I came here courtesy of Angel Jr's site.

Good for you--rise above the worst elements od the experience!

-- david

At 9:57 AM, Blogger T. said...

Bragging about sex is useless in general, but I realized it's extra useless to brag about how hot a chick is. No matter how well you try to describe it, hotness can only be appreciated visually. Nobody wants to hear how hot a chick is. I only talk about sex conquests if there's a bigger point or punchline to the story besides the sex.

At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, Ben can say he has "been there before" a couple of times with you.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

Most Marines I've known don't talk about sex non-stop... wait I take that back. I did know one who fits this description. I worked with KJ out in Portland, OR. Ex-Marine. Atheist. Computer nerd. Sex addict. He was a freak.

At 4:18 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ash - NO, the Uniform was lost in the great Real Estate Agent fuck-up of 2005.

Raincouver - Yeah, Marines are very respectful and nice to civilians. But once you are one, forget it.

Ben - I'll tell you that story the next time I'm around you. Not really much to say, though.

Feuer - I'm sure he probably stil tells the stories though. Like they say, once a Marine...

Shman - Only on Humvees. Don't get too excited.

Nicole - Reservists are typically a LITTLE brighter, in my experience.

David - Thanks

T - I don't even want to see how hot a chick is. Bottom line, I don't care.

Anon - Yeah, and they will both agree that I am much bigger.

Mini - You just don't know enough of them.

At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you think Ben cares about that though? He got his.

At 11:43 PM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

When I read Jarhead, I just skip the BS invented drama parts and stick to his writing about the Corps, which is where his talent lies.

This post makes me feel awfully self-conscious about my own blog, but I try to at least fall in line with T's I only talk about sex conquests if there's a bigger point or punchline to the story besides the sex.

At 7:43 AM, Blogger T. said...

I don't even want to see how hot a chick is. Bottom line, I don't care.

I don't care for boring sex stories, but if there's a picture of a hot girl I'm always going to be curious to see it.

At 4:05 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Captain C - This from a guy who just worte a 2-part post entitled "How I Bagged the Prom Queen" which featured the priceless throwaway line "She's traveling for her job, which is cool because I have my hands full with a truly vapid, ridiculously hot model named Gabriela. (Aside: Wow, I'd forgotten how fucking awesome that spring/summer was for me.)" You INSPIRED this post, Killer.

Take it all with a grain of salt, Captain C. I figure since we're both Marines a little friendly insulting is acceptable. then usually followed by an all-out brawl and some office hours.

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

I figured as much, but I didn't want to give myself too much credit. That was, indeed, a throwaway line, but there were some keepers in that post, too.

Oh, and the "Captain" in my name is the real deal, so I'll be meting out those office hours, Devil.

(Ugh, this is totally why I got out.)

At 1:52 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Oh, geez.

My bad, "sir."

I am always fucking doing that.


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