Hot Judge, Cell Phone Etiquette, and Kickball on The Front Page
My deepest sarcastic apologies to anyone out there who has missed my ranting and raving over the weekend. Really I am sorry. The goddamn sun finally came out and I decided my tan was more important than my blog this weekend. So all of you jackasses who call me a bog addict, remember that tanorexia was my first disorder, and therefore will always supersede any later ones. I have some good shit lined up for this week, but I had a lot of shit I wanted to get off my chest before I continue. If you don’t like it, I guess that’s one more day you are going to have to go without my priceless insight.
1.) There is this judge who lives across the street from a couple of my friends. She has like nine of her signs out front for her re-election and I swear, judging by the signs, she is the HOTTEST FREAKING JUDGE EVER. Bronwyn Catherine Miller may soon replace Judge Jules and Judge Julie of Playboy’s “
2.) Do not ever talk on your cell phone around me, ever. Unless it is a critical matter or something pertaining to whatever activity you or I are participating in, any other calls can wait. I don’t do it to you, don’t fucking do it to me. You want to catch up with your second cousin in
3.) On a similar note, to the nine or ten of you who called me this weekend and I did not return your calls: Do not take it personally. Sometimes I really don’t feel like “catching up” with anyone, nor do I want to listen to you drunk at a Pearl Jam concert. I am not being a dick, you are still my friends. But sometimes people, and especially guys and especially me, don’t particularly feel like having conversations with anyone that are not immediately relevant. I am doing fine. I hope you are well. Eat a Honey Glazed Maple Barbecue Dick.
4.) Strippers should no longer be allowed to wear glitter. Ever.
5.) If you thought this Kickball thing I’m doing was unusual, think again. Those of you who bothered to look at the front page of the Miami Herald may have noticed a little article on the bottom of Page One about our Kickball league. The picture was taken about five feet from where I was standing, our team even gets a small mention, and they give a nice explanation of how “Flip Cup” is played. If mine was not clear enough. Though you will undoubtedly be smarter for not having read that particular section.