Thursday, July 13, 2006

So Much for Birmingham

A little while back, I wrote a post about blog groupies. Or, more specifically, why I didn’t have any. What I got in response were several emails telling me why I didn’t have any and why no woman would be stupid enough to chase after me. Thanks, I appreciate that. But one day I opened up my Gmail and there was a short message with three attached pictures from a girl in my favorite southern city of Birmingham. She said she was sure I was going to get lots of groupie mail now, but she wanted to be the first. And judging by the pictures, I would have been satisfied if she were the last. My better sensibilities and the few friends I sent it to all told me no girl that attractive reads blogs. Period. So I figured it was either a joke being played on me by one of my anonymous haters, an even meaner joke being played by one of my friends, or a girl who sent me pictures from 5 years and 75 pounds ago. But, since I was going to be in Birmingham anyway this weekend, I thought “What the Hell” and invited her to meet up with me when I was in town.

Well, apparently this girl, we will call her Southern Girl, or SG (yes, MonkeyPants, I am biting off your shit. Get over it) was not completely comfortable with meeting me out alone. I guess not everyone is as bold as Alice to risk being seen alone in public with me. So she asked if she could bring her friend along. I agreed, and decided to make it a group night out bringing along Cliff, my friend Jeff and his wife. So SG rolls up to this restaurant and I meet her in the parking lot and the first thought that goes through my head is “No one can ever make fun of me for writing a blog again. Ever. If this is what my fan base looks like, you can all shut the fuck up.” Her friend was not bad looking either. That is, unless you factored in the she was in the midst of a 24-hour drinking binge.

This became painfully obvious as we sat down to dinner and she began to yell at the guy at the next table “Hey, I know you! You’re Ron Jeremy!” Granted, the guy was a dead ringer for The Hedgehog, but nobody else at the table had bothered to mention it to him as he was trying to eat dinner with his wife. Who did not look much like a porn star. After insisting that our neighbor was, in fact, an adult film actor for a good deal of time, she began calling a guy who was presumably an ex-boyfriend, and insisting that SG drop her off at his house after dinner. “I need to get me some ass!” I believe were her exact words. I guess Cliff just wasn’t her type. SG tried to talk her out of it, and into coming out on the town with the rest of us. It got to the point that she had to drag her into the bathroom to try and talk some sense into her, but it did not fly. SG looked flustered and irate at her friend, but ultimately told us she would drop her friend off and meet us out. “Please don’t think I’m like this at all,” she told me “I had no idea she’d act like this. I’ll meet you there in like 30 minutes”.

Now, usually when a girl says “I’ll meet you in 30 minutes” it means “You suck. I’m blowing you off, have fun hitting on fat girls because I am out of your league.” And this, of course, was my first reaction given my track record of getting blown off. But I had had a few opportunities to talk to SG before I met her, and she had seen pictures of me before, and judging by her tone and body language and the fact that she was not form Miami or Orange County, I honestly believed she would show up. And, oddly enough, the rest of the group agreed. So we continued out to a bar called Dave’s where we sat down and waited for her to meet up with us.

45 minutes later, I get the following text message:

“OMG! My friend is getting arrested. This is a total nightmare!” As soon as I saw that, I just pursed my lips, smiled and nodded. I knew this would happen. I thought it wouldn’t. I hoped it wouldn’t. Everyone said it wouldn’t, but deep down I knew it would. Apparently the friend had gotten more belligerent with some cops than she had been with Ron Jeremy, but unlike Ron they did not have a sense of humor about it. At one point she kicked the window of the cop car and the last communication I got from SG (after multiple apologies and a couple of phone calls) was a text saying that she was following a cop and had to get a bail bondmen. Night. Over. Now, the more pessimistic and cynical among us may say “Wow, she went to a lot of trouble to blow you off. But you got blown off,” and the optimistic might say, “Who creates a story like that just to blow a guy off who she’s never met?” I guess I’ll never know, but I like to believe she was telling the truth. That, and since she reads the blog I couldn’t very well call her a liar, now could I?

Assuming this was just bad luck, it is a perfect example for those of you who wonder what I mean when I say my luck with pretty girls is terrible. This is not the 10th time something like this has happened, and I assure you it will not be the last. If I was in fact blown off, well then, I suppose you could ask SG the answer to why attractive girls immediately lose interest. But it is neither here nor there. At the end of the night it was the same old story, and this chapter of White Dade history is officially closed. That being said, I think this blog has gotten waaaay too EMO this week, and I am going to drop the “God, Why Can’t I Ever Get a Hot Girl?” theme. It is starting to read like a girl’s blog told form a male perspective, and I can’t be doing that. It just ain’t me. Those of you who know me know I am hopelessly transparent in person, and I guess my writing is the same way. Tomorrow will be an ode to my car, and next week, I will be back to my racist, misogynistic ranting self. But we all have a soft side, so give me my week to have mine.


At 3:53 PM, Blogger Betty said...

This entry read like a bad chick flick!!! What the fuck is wrong with you? While you were crying in your beer, I made out with a guy in a closet for two minutes.!.! I really have to stop bragging about this and I should probably get a chaperone should I go to the hamptons again.

At 3:55 PM, Anonymous T said...

If she really cared, she would have called, not texted. It takes longer to text than to dial. She blew you off dude, move on.

You also have to wonder why she brought a drunk friend when she wasn't drunk herself. And that's one hell of a wingwoman she's got there. Wouldn't that have been along the lines of the girls who come after you anyway? ;-)

BTW, men are wired to chase after women. The women who chase after men are the psycho ones (as you noted earlier). Sum up the courage from those muscles you've been tanning and approach these girls. Be happy you're not a gay guy, where it's sort of confusing about who chases whom.

At 4:09 PM, Anonymous Ben said...

If you really care to find out if the story is true or not, you could just look up her friend on the district court system. If her friend was in fact arrested, the public record would be in there. It takes about 5 minutes, and it’s free. You might even be able to do it online. You just need her name and if you have a close date of birth, you could probably find her. I’m guessing this girl’s age didn’t come in conversation, but if you knew she was between 24 and 27 or something like that, you could probably get the right girl being that you know the alleged date she was arrested and for what reason.

I don’t get it man. You seem like a hell of a guy to me. I’m sure some girl will realize that some day.

At 4:55 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

I'm flattered! You can "bite off [my] shit" anytime.

I'm sorry you're not getting non-crazy or non-encumbered-by-crazy-friends "hot" girls. A cute guy is a terrible thing to waste.

It's a damn shame...

At 5:04 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Dade -
I don't know what the hell is going on with you. This downward spiral of yours is a bad influence though. I think the chick blew you off too. But then, you are G.U.D. (geograf un desirable) Obviously, she was a nice girl or did she send you naked pics...did Ashburnite?

My sense that things won't happen, someone won't show up when they say....that sense that everything is too good to be true stems from expecting your mom to be home at 5p and screaming and crying until 7p becuase your sure she was in an accident, only to find she was working late. Probably in your case, you were eating copious bowls of cereal.

You will be back on high when you get a job.....I think you should really focus on getting 'the job' from a sugar mama. Have you considered acting in adult films....I think pornography could be a lucrative career choice

At 5:24 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

No one makes crap like that up. It happened, I'm sure. Besides, why would she blow off White Dade!!

At 5:59 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

I think you're a great guy. Fun to hang out with, very open minded, attractive, and not creepy (the most important). But do you ever step back and consider this...."deep down do I want a hot girl?" I know in the past that I feel more confident and in control when I'm the better looking one. Maybe it's the subconscience sabotaging the relationship before it even gets started so you don't get hurt for real by "the pretty girl."

BTW Whaaatt are yoooouuu dooooing?

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

"deep down do I want a hot girl?"

Melissa, you're kidding, right? Please tell me that's an ironic, rhetorical question.

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Sexy Lexi said...

I think I like the softer side of the Dade.

At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Wow, she went through a lot of trouble to blow you off dude.

Now, where are my live journal groupies? Anyone? Anyone? (crickets chirping). Time for a Strohs.

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

jenjen said:
"did she send you naked pics...did Ashburnite?"

how did I get dragged into all of this???

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think a career in porn will work out. He is Jewish afterall!

Ron Jeremy is the only Jewish guy I know that is well endowed.


At 11:21 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

Don't make me use my imagination here. But Dade ain't small potatoes, towers over small can it be?

Ash - was just wondering what happened with all of that, you know back when we were discussing blog groupies and pics. You seemed enthusiastic.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger jenjen said...

Ash - I took another look at the comments here:

Looking at your response with your avatar???

How 'could' you not get dragged into this?

At 11:28 AM, Blogger T. said...

The other T. was a different T. than this T. Jus' sayin'.

I don't think she made up the story, just because it's too crazy, but it doesn't make it feel any worse. How could she not know her friend was that crazy? I know which friends I can bring around drunk and which friends I can't, I'm more curious about why she brought Kim Basinger from Blind Date as a wingwoman.

At 12:21 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

"emo" is not a four letter word.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

I'm just gonna move in on your blog here Dade.
Minijonb and even Dade may be too young to understand this emo shit. But, after some conversation with Johnson about it...I went straight to the 13yr old Meatball "hey who won the world cup? that's right" and his little girlfriends. You wouldn't believe the teens today. So yes, emo is a 4 letter word. These are worse than stoners, skaters, and goths. Emo guys are completely self destructive. 'Scene' guys are like emo guys but less obtrusive...aparently. (is this how the term 'aparently' was derived?)

At 1:22 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

I guess someone has to stick up for WD getting in touch with his feelings a little bit. These are tough problems to talk about, because nobody wants to hear fit people whine about how fat they feel sometimes and good-looking guys complain about not getting laid. By letting it out, maybe he takes a step towards solving some stuff. It's still been entertaining, hasn't it? Okay, i'm sticking up for him because I have similar issues, but still...

Betty, if you talk about that closet make-out thing one more time..."a chaperone"? It was a silly game. Get over it. Meanwhile, I'm indecently exposed in front of everybody by a lesbian and no one cares. I was the victim, dammit!

Back on topic. Let the man have his "feelings" posts. I think it'll lead to better 'normal' posts in the future.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Betty - It really is always about YOU isn't it?

t - She did call, in case you missed that part. And texted several times. And, yes, the drunk friend was much more my traditional "type." And, yes, I'm glad I'm not gay.

Ben - Oddly enough I did learn her first and last name and she instructed all of us to look her up on MySpace. But I really don't care that much.

MPants - Yes, it is a damn shame.

JenJen - Good. Porn. Your career advice is always so helpful.

Angel - That is a very good question. Why I am inclined to believe her.

Melissa - The power structure thing is very complicated, but the thing is since I've never been with a girl that I thought was "hot" I think I need to get than ape off my back before I can move on.

Cpt. C - A Shockey avatar? OUT-standing!

Johnson - You have to have an audience before you can have groupies.

Lexi - Glad someone does.

Ash - I tihnk JenJen made the point for me.

Anon - You are soooo far off base it isn't even funny.

T - Not only that, but it came up that this "friend" had crashed this girl's car three times. Maybe she thought if I was dull in person at least she could provide entertainment.

Mini - No. It's three. Even public school educated kids like me know that.

JJ -Thank you for clarifying that.

RP - I figured you could relate.Exposed by a lesbian, huh? So who had the worse weekend, you or Alice?

At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...

jWD, love your blog. Sorry about your girl experience...I've been rejected by every pet rock I've ever had, so I can feel part of your pain.

You should invite her out again, but bring your grandma. Get grandma toasted, tell the girl you have to leave to take grandma home, and you'll be back in half an hour. Text her 45 minutes later: "OMG! Grandma is getting arrested for soliciting! This is a nightmare!" If you could also text a disturbing picture involving your grandma, an officer, and some handcuffs, the revenge will be complete.

At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...

Sorry...meant "WD, not "jWD".

At 2:22 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

That would be awesome, except for the fact that both my grandmas are DEAD! Seriously, thats a goddam funny comment and a phenominal idea, but, also seriosuly, they are both dead. Maybe my step-mom's mom. That could be funny. Or a great aunt?

At 4:21 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...

Oops....sorry....that always happens to me...I try to make a funny and someone dies. Take for instance these two episodes in my life:

Awkward moment A:
(Coworker #1 and I are returning from lunch.)

Coworker #2: Where did you guys go?
Me: Your mom's.
Coworker #1 (whispering): Her mom died last week.

Awkward Moment 2:
(In a group of coworkers/friends at lunch)

Me: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken! Ha ha!
Coworker #1 (looking awkwardly at me): Um, my stepbrother just got paralyzed in a car accident.
**Me tries to slit wrist with salt shaker...**


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