Tuesday, July 25, 2006

USMC Does Not Stand for U Steal My Clothes

Girls, please educate me about something: Why is it that every time you spend the night in a strange, or sometimes not-so-strange guy’s house, apartment, dorm room, or cardboard box you feel it necessary to take with you some article of their clothing? And why, when you decide you need such a souvenir, is it always, without exception, one of my Marine Corps T-shirts?

Now, if you frat boys, or former frat boys, out there think that girls stealing your fraternity letters to proudly display to the girls back on Floor 5 of the freshmen dorm is bad, let me hip you to what I believe to be the Holy Grail of Sex Souvenirs: The USMC T-Shirt. Over my life I have purchased or otherwise “acquired” no less than 13 Marine Corps T-Shirts in one form or another. And do you know how many I have left today? 2. That’s right, 2. And none got lost, none were inadvertently donated by a moronic real estate agent (like all my uniforms) and none mysteriously flew off the bow of a fishing boat. Do you know where they all are? Probably being pulled out of an old clothes box by a current husband or boyfriend who is saying “Where the FUCK did you get this??!!!”

The first time it happened I thought it was sort of cute: The girl wanted to brag to her friends that she had spent the night with a Marine. How sweet. I’m honored. Then it happened again, and then I started to notice that whenever I pointed a girl to my T-Shirt drawer for Walk of Shame attire, they were somehow magnetically drawn to any shirt with the word “Marine” on it. I remember one girl putting on a shirt that said “29 Palms Iron House” and I began to politely suggest she wear another one since “That one may be too big.” “No I like this one,” she told me, and began to gather her things to leave. “You’ve never even fucking been to 29 Palms? Do you know how bad that place sucks? It’s like going outside on the hottest day of the year and blowing a hairdryer in your face And then throwing sand in that hairdryer. You don’t rate wearing that, you don’t even get it!.” Like most people, she just ignored my rant, smiled demurely and asked me for a ride home. What was I going to do, rip it off of her?

One girl I was dating I forbid to wear my grey USMC shirt with the letters in black block across the front. That one was sacred and I could not risk it becoming a fuck trophy. So what did she do? One day while I left for work or class or some shit, she went in my drawer, took it out, put it in her purse and I never saw it again. And she only admitted to me that she took it when I ran into her 5 years later.

Why is this girls? Would it be so hard to take my “Race for The Cure 2001” shirt? Or the one from the 1999 Micron PC Bowl? Or anything that says Von Dutch? I know Marines are known worldwide for our ravenous sexual appetites and larger-than-average apparatus, but is it really necessary to steal our clothes to prove you got your brains fucked out? Can’t you just relay the story of how some Lance Corporal on shore leave gave it to you the best of your life and let it go? Seriously. Do you ever consider that someone may ask you if you served in the Corps? What’s your response going to be then? “No, but I fucked one once and stole his clothes?” Yeah, that makes you look classy. I like those shirts, I wear them with pride. Dare I say they get me laid form time to time. I have about 50 T-Shirts in my dresser, it is not necessary for you to take one of the few, the proud, the Marine T-Shirts. Stop stealing my shit. I went through 3 months of Hell to earn the right to wear that stuff. You only went through about eleven minutes.


At 4:18 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

"The few, the proud, the t-shirt. Stop stealing my shit!"

I love that. Hillarious!

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Betty said...

How appropriate, a pic of you at happy ending with your USMC shirt....

At 4:36 PM, Blogger emily said...

um, yeah. I would TOTALLY steal that t-shirt. Especially after 11 minutes.

At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe you can find some of your old shirts here


or at least stock up for the next time

At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Hands off his "Miami: It's Spictacular" t-shirt as well. I risked life and limb getting that shirt in overly sensitive Seattle.

Oh, and Ben, or should I say Anon, I happen to like Twinkies, okay. Eat a spicy breaded chicken strip from Safeway dick, with a twinkie on the side.

At 6:35 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

I am also guilty of stealing guys' t-shirts. And I have to admit that the USMC ones would probably be my first pick, too..although, I'm not sure why. I just love a well-worn in men's tee.

and only 11 minutes?

At 6:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


If you are addressing me, I am not Ben. And if it helps I had some buffalo chicken wings last night from Ralph's. Also, I do not have a y chromosome, so I don't think the slang reference to male genitalia applies. I was just suggesting that if WD wanted to keep the remaining shirts that were actually acquired during his time in the service, he might want to stock some t shirts that don’t have the same memory/association for him. Sheesh, what a grouch.

At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe if you actually called the girls afterward, instead of pretending you like them and never calling, they might bring you your shirt back!!!!!

At 7:34 PM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

Maybe if you actually called the girls afterward, instead of pretending you like them and never calling, they might bring you your shirt back!!!!!

Spoken like a chick who would take a man's favorite t-shirt.

At 7:39 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

I can't explain the WHY since I don't understand it myself. That's quite ballsy of a broad to roll up into a dude's house pilfer stuff. It's tantamount to sleeping with a petty thief.

But I do know that I'd be locking up my USMC shirts if I were you. And I'd be the last to care if some girl decided to complain.

At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Why do you have Von Dutch clothing?

I remember the first time I slept with you know who at my place and she attempted to put on my Gus Frerotte jersey before she went back to her apartment. I put the kibosh on that one real fuckin quick.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger Spill The Beans said...

Yeah, if 11 minutes was all I got, I'd definitely take the t-shirt. hell, I'd at least want some kind of souvenir from the trip, I've had longer rides than that at Disneyworld. ;)

and yeah a marine shirt...that would just be hot. Why do we take your shirts? For the same reason you brag about us to your buddies. We keep score, too.

At 12:27 AM, Blogger brooklyntista said...

while i'm no amerikan apparel model, i can say that the relationship between walk-of-shame-girl and hot-bar-boys is totally symbiotic; you wanna see a cute lady sans chub + celluite in yer tee and we want a token of said hot-bar-boy from the previous evening.

it's not our fault that you happen to be a haut, tanorexic,
former marine, yo.

choose yer tee drawer wisely, white dade-son.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger brooklyntista said...

while i'm no amerikan apparel model i can say that the relationship between walk-of-shame-girl and hot-bar-boys is totally symbiotic; you wanna see a cute lady sans chub + celluite in yer tee and we want a token of said hot-bar-boy from the previous evening.

it's not our fault that you happen to be a haut, tanorexic,
former marine, yo.

choose yer tee drawer selection wisely, white dade-son.

At 1:20 AM, Anonymous melissa said...

That's a great pic of you and Buca...

I am so not the "steal a t-shirt the morning after girl"....the shirts would be way too big, I might as well get out the strech pants and sinch the t-shirt with a belt!

At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got those bitches back for you.

I woke up not knowing where the fuck I was and after looking over at the girl laying next to me I got really angry at myself and her (prolly cuz she was not good looking and she knew she could take advantage of me the night before). So I got up glanced at her night stand and saw a really nice piece. I love pot and am sort of a collector of pipes. So I snagged it, took a couple of huge gulps of OJ (sans glass) and got the eff outta there.

Fuck the Ts I'll take ur paraphernalia.

At 8:25 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

In this situation,if you have that many girls coming over, then place your favorite t-shirts in one drawer and the rest in another.
When they ask where they can get a t-shirt, direct them to the non-favorite t-shirt drawer.
Problem solved.
If you don't have enough drawer space, put some not so favorite t-shirts on the shelf in your closet and direct them there instead.
Hopefully they won't grab a button down shirt. Oh wait, men REALLY get off on that...maybe you could go and buy bulk in white button down dress shirts, just for that occasion.
You can also have your marine friend who is in Iraq get a few shirts for you.

At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously, why don't you see a girl more than once, and you won't have to worry?

As for the guy with the pic of Jeremy Shockey - I bet he gets his tshirts stolen too.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

ha ha ha, the only way a girl could get my frat t's is if did anal. basiacally how bad did they want it? I'm not going to tell you how many shirts I lost cause that would make me look dirty,

I will say that the girls in the Dirty R know how to work for a t shirt.

good post

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Basically you need to have some fake USMC shirts. Normal looking on the front, but something totally degrading on the back like "I hope nobody finds out how much of a slut I am" or "Doogie is my favorite position, just offer your services". That would be great. I used to live accross the street from two 500+ person dorms. The walk of shame parade was worth getting up early for (even when mine had yet to leave) plus you could take mental notes for future evenings.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

here's your solution: burn all your USMC gear and buy a bunch of Coast Guard t-shirts. wear those out to the bar... no one will steal your t-shirts 'cuz you'll never get laid again. enjoy! =;-)

At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Sgt. Biff said...

True. Very true. What I often find comical is the fact that they most likely WEAR these shirts on some kind of regular basis, not realizing that we know exactly what it means. Funnier still to me is the fact that they most likely wear them around their fellow harlots, relating the story of fucking some maniac combat marine who looks just like the poster. When in fact it was probably some kid from comm school, or some boot on boot leave.

At 2:30 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Rain - It is now like "The Two, the roud." Fucking whores.

Betty - I don't know what you mean. I found that randomly on Google images.

Emily - The 11 minutes was in reference to the average time of an acto of actual intercourse, as taken from the Paulo Ceulho novel of the same name. It doesn't really reflect my stamina. Someone back me up here.

Anon - Thanks for the link.

Joe - NOBODY gets that shirt. Although any girl who would wear it proudly may rate a marriage proposal right then and there. And, FFR, when telling someone to eat a specialized dick, the word "dick" is substitiuted for whatever meat it was. So yours would be "Eeatr a Spicy Fried Dick Strip form Safeway."

Ash - See my comment to Emily. That book is very, very good if you haven't read it. Go ask Alice.

Anon - Differenty anon, actually, And Ralph's, huh? I was always a Stater Brothers guy myself.

Anon2 - Oh, I call them. They never call me back. Know why? Cuz they know I want my fucking shirt.

CC - Yep. Right on. Sir.

Nicole - After you've dated multiple strippers, a petty thief is a considerable step up.

Johnson - It was a Christmas gift from 2003.

Trouble - I don't brag, first of all. Second of all, again 11 minutes is a tribute to the book I'm reading right now.

Brook - Quite true. That beign said, I have other shirts, you know.

Melissa - I just pictured you in an Extra large men's shirt and started laughing. HAHAHAHA!

Anon - I actually took a "Storm Front 2003" size medium shirt from a girl last year. Whish, given my appearance (old and large)
, clearly statres "I banged a girl who was a UM freshmen in 2003." Which is pretty hot.

Rachel - EXCELLENT idea. I will re-arrange my clothing before the weekend.

Anon4 - Girls, much like guys, don't usually care to date one night stands. Which is fine, but still leaves me with no shirt.

VK - Where is the Dirty R? Richmond? Raleigh? Roanoke? Redding? All those places are dirty, I am confused.

Anon 5 - Do you ever heckle them? I tihnk that would be fun.

Mini - Yeah, that is absolutely right.

Biff - I like that other commenter's idea of the shirts with degrading sayings on the back. We should market that when you get back. Biff and Trez Inc.

At 3:43 PM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

Radford University....

Right next to V Tech

oh believe me it's dirty,

At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe they are cheap - very very cheap - whores and the shirt is payment. you got a great deal!!

At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha. While I have lost my share of gray Banana Republic T-shirts, and even a few of my alma mater's, no girl gets out the door in my Heyl Refuah (IDF Medical Corps) T-shirt. Or my MADA T-shirt. I had to volunteer to get bled on for those. On the other hand, there is NO sexual mystique associated with being a male member of IDF, and although we do draft 33-50% of the female population, that just results in an army with a broad range (heh). Mainly it gets us a military with a serious Ombudsman's Office for Sexual Harassment...

At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Eurosabr03 said...

I am the anon. above...


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