USMC Does Not Stand for U Steal My Clothes
Girls, please educate me about something: Why is it that every time you spend the night in a strange, or sometimes not-so-strange guy’s house, apartment, dorm room, or cardboard box you feel it necessary to take with you some article of their clothing? And why, when you decide you need such a souvenir, is it always, without exception, one of my Marine Corps T-shirts?
Now, if you frat boys, or former frat boys, out there think that girls stealing your fraternity letters to proudly display to the girls back on Floor 5 of the freshmen dorm is bad, let me hip you to what I believe to be the Holy Grail of Sex Souvenirs: The USMC T-Shirt. Over my life I have purchased or otherwise “acquired” no less than 13 Marine Corps T-Shirts in one form or another. And do you know how many I have left today? 2. That’s right, 2. And none got lost, none were inadvertently donated by a moronic real estate agent (like all my uniforms) and none mysteriously flew off the bow of a fishing boat. Do you know where they all are? Probably being pulled out of an old clothes box by a current husband or boyfriend who is saying “Where the FUCK did you get this??!!!”
The first time it happened I thought it was sort of cute: The girl wanted to brag to her friends that she had spent the night with a Marine. How sweet. I’m honored. Then it happened again, and then I started to notice that whenever I pointed a girl to my T-Shirt drawer for Walk of Shame attire, they were somehow magnetically drawn to any shirt with the word “Marine” on it. I remember one girl putting on a shirt that said “29 Palms Iron House” and I began to politely suggest she wear another one since “That one may be too big.” “No I like this one,” she told me, and began to gather her things to leave. “You’ve never even fucking been to 29 Palms? Do you know how bad that place sucks? It’s like going outside on the hottest day of the year and blowing a hairdryer in your face And then throwing sand in that hairdryer. You don’t rate wearing that, you don’t even get it!.” Like most people, she just ignored my rant, smiled demurely and asked me for a ride home. What was I going to do, rip it off of her?
One girl I was dating I forbid to wear my grey USMC shirt with the letters in black block across the front. That one was sacred and I could not risk it becoming a fuck trophy. So what did she do? One day while I left for work or class or some shit, she went in my drawer, took it out, put it in her purse and I never saw it again. And she only admitted to me that she took it when I ran into her 5 years later.
Why is this girls? Would it be so hard to take my “Race for The Cure 2001” shirt? Or the one from the 1999 Micron PC Bowl? Or anything that says Von Dutch? I know Marines are known worldwide for our ravenous sexual appetites and larger-than-average apparatus, but is it really necessary to steal our clothes to prove you got your brains fucked out? Can’t you just relay the story of how some Lance Corporal on shore leave gave it to you the best of your life and let it go? Seriously. Do you ever consider that someone may ask you if you served in the Corps? What’s your response going to be then? “No, but I fucked one once and stole his clothes?” Yeah, that makes you look classy. I like those shirts, I wear them with pride. Dare I say they get me laid form time to time. I have about 50 T-Shirts in my dresser, it is not necessary for you to take one of the few, the proud, the Marine T-Shirts. Stop stealing my shit. I went through 3 months of Hell to earn the right to wear that stuff. You only went through about eleven minutes.