Thursday, August 24, 2006

Aks White Dade: If You Hate Miami So Much, Why Don't You Leave

I’m sure this comes as a great disappointment to all of you Miami haters out there, but the fact is I do not hate Miami at all. Quite the contrary, I love this city. I point out its many, many, many flaws on this blog because it is a hell of a lot more entertaining than me talking about how awesome it is here, and I feel I need to let those who have never been to Dade County know that it is hardly all fashion models and palm trees. But I love this town in spite of its flaws and, like in any good relationship, because of them.

I tried leaving once and went to the most logical place someone leaving Miami would go: Southern California. And let me tell you if you think people in South Beach are shallow, or girls in South Florida are materialistic and vapid, we are the AAA to SoCal’s Major League. Not the only reason I left, but suffice to say Orange County just wasn’t the place for someone like me. And LA sucked even worse. So I came to the following conclusion:

Miami is, hands down, the best place in America to live if you are single and under thirty. Now before all you New Yorkers start jumping down my throat about your town being “The Center of the Universe” and “The Best of Everything,” remember that one can actually afford to live here on $35,000 a year, which is extremely important when you are young. The nightlife in Miami is as good as it gets in America, and we have clubs that stay open until noon the next day. Now, not everyone wants to take advantage of that, but it’s nice to know that nobody is going to be pushing you out the door at 1:45. We have beaches that you can go to year round, and a few of them are topless. The population, contrary to our national reputation, is extremely young and extremely lively, making this a great place to meet people for social endeavors. Notice I said “social endeavors” and not “relationships.” If you are a guy, there is a steady flow of tourist girls that adopt the “I’m on Vacation so it doesn’t count” attitude. Miami is the East Coast’s version of Las Vegas. If you are female, there is a steady flow of “I’m on vacation and will spend as much money as I can” guys who will be more than happy to buy your drinks all night. Just not me.

Granted, there is a shortage of white girls, which are really the only girls I am attracted to. But the good news is that when you find one they are usually grateful to meet you. There is a shortage of white guys in Miami too, and most white girls I’ve met in Miami aren’t too into the whole “Smoldering Latino” thing. Just like me.

The biggest drawbacks to living here really don’t apply too much when you are young. Skyrocketing Housing costs? I’m still renting, and while my rent may go up a little, it is nothing compared to what a mortgage or property tax increase would be. Hurricane Insurance? What’s that? I’m a renter. Hurricane Damage? An inconvenience, but ultimately the landlord is paying. Poor job market? Well, low-paying jobs are always open and unlike in some cities you can live off an entry level salary in Miami. And not have to wait tables at night. Bad Schools? The High School football is outstanding, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Traffic? I base my apartment searches on where I won’t have to sit in traffic, not where the good schools are, where I can afford a house or what my neighborhood is like. Government Corruption? As long as they’re not trying to move closing time back form 5AM, I couldn’t care less if they are embezzling school funds. This is why I say the good outweighs the bad here so much: The bad things are mostly avoidable while the good are available on a daily basis.

There are still flaws that affect you when you’re young, though, and most of them begin with the letter H. Hurricanes, humidity, and another one I can’t think of right now. Hurricanes suck, plain and simple. But so do blizzards, earthquakes, weeks of sub-zero temperatures and 10 months of overcast. The heat and humidity you get used to, or at least I have, to the point where Southern California is too cold. The cultural differences? Well, in case you didn’t notice I’m still dealing with that one. But, again, it is really the major flaw of this city and if my biggest problem with a place is hearing too much Reggaeton, well, I guess I can live with that. It is a small price to pay to be surrounded by friends, perpetual summer weather, world-class nightlife and postcard-esque beaches. And tourist girls, lest I forget the tourist girls.

If you are a young person concerned with long-term career goals, finding a serious relationship and owning property, this is not the town for you. Stay in whatever boring shithole you are reading this from. But if you are young, attractive, hedonistic and not overly concerned with anything other than where your next drink or piece of ass is coming from, this is definitely the town for you. Bienvenidos!

26 Comments:

At 4:08 PM, Blogger T. said...

I don't think anyone but the most delusional New Yorkers (and Forbes magazine) will try to claim that NY has a better single life than Miami. When I was under 30 and single, Miami was where me and my friends would go to actually score. They have incredible mating concepts down there, like I dunno, eye contact. It blows my mind how many women in NYC complain about being terminally single in NY but never look around their surroundings and try eye contact.

Maybe I should follow suit with a post about why I like NY. Actually no, there's enough of those.

 
At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention something else that sucks around here...the lack of people who've bothered to learn English. Anywhere outside the Miami bubble, you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who speaks Englishh. Try ordering a sub from Subway, go to the dentist or do anything else that people in America do on a normal basis and see how much more complicated it is here. It gets real old, real quick.

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger T. said...

Is Miami one of those places where it's considered racist or neanderthal to point out people should learn the damn language?

 
At 8:09 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Wow, YOU?? Into WHITE girls??? Dude, I never would have guessed. ;)

I'm sure you'll get lots of flack about that comment before too long.

So what about us young folks who don't even do the club/bar/drunken/humping thing? Anything going on for us??

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I heard the Will Smith "Miami" song last night on the radio.

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

I wish that I would have known about this when I was 21. Instead I was on the other side of the country having WAY too much fun partying with those hot Army, Navy, Marine & Air Force boys.
It doesn't matter where you live, you can always find a great party if you look hard enough.
I wouldn't mind having Miami weather in January though.

 
At 4:30 AM, Anonymous pod said...

Wow, someone used one of my images (Space Patio) in a blog. I guess I did something right when I took it.

Nonetheless, I do agree with that point of view. We've got it good here in Miami. I'm not a native, but I've been here for awhile, and have learned to put up with the various quirks of the county. I have no car, yet I manage to get by doing what I do, and I don't live on Miami Beach. My Spanish is horrid, yet I have many friends with a poor grasp of English. I figure it's a fair trade...I teach them English, and I figure out the finer points of Spanish (se cago and carajo are about the extent of it)...

Though my favorite thing down here is the New York contingent who swear up and down that things are so much better in the Five Bouroughs. Don't get me wrong, New York is great, but not that great. Their club scene is centered on being snooty. Whether you're a celeb snob hanging at Bungalow 86 with Firecrotch, or you're a music snob hanging at some godawful black box in Queens listening to DJ Box-of-Rocks playing Flemish disco-techno-drum-n-bass, everyone in New York thinks that they themselves are the center of the universe. I came from there to here, and the Miami attitude of "let's party, have fun, and maybe fuck at the end of the night" is much more preferable.

Basically, what I'm getting at is: Welcome to Miami, here's your pocket translator, get ready to rumble.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most people in Miami can communicate in a form of (cringe-inducing) English. They choose not to, a choice thats driven mostly by laziness and some mild anti-gringo arrogance. Miami consists of Cubans (annoying) Haitians (pathetic) Israelis (utterly vile) Columbians (lethal) and Russians (crooked)

 
At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"But if you are young, attractive, hedonistic and not overly concerned with anything other than where your next drink or piece of ass is coming from, this is definitely the town for you."

What the hell am I doing in Charlottesville again? This post made me nostalgic for the good old 305. 8 more days! Oh and if you have a Power Hour request, please send me the song list asap so I can download any new songs and edit them.

 
At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said...
Most people in Miami can communicate in a form of (cringe-inducing) English. They choose not to, a choice thats driven mostly by laziness and some mild anti-gringo arrogance. Miami consists of Cubans (annoying) Haitians (pathetic) Israelis (utterly vile) Columbians (lethal) and Russians (crooked)"

Don't forget the White Anglo Americans ( Racist and ignorant ) like the Tool that posted the quote I placed above....your an idiot to generalize everyone the way you just did...as if you were any better...and if you are some other nationality or race then your an even bigger idiot !

I have lived all over the world and in at least 15 cities in North America, I am Latino and I was raised in Miami...and YES it bothers the hell out of me when people who have been here umpteen yrs refuse to learn or speak English, but I do not think they are useless..because most of the time I encounter them performing JOBS that NO ONE ELSE WANTS !

Sorry to rant, but damn dude...have some class !!!

White Dade, I really enjoy your blog...I think you are hilarious and you remind me of a buddy of mine from Columbus Ohio...one of the things I really do agree with you on are the girls...I wish there were more normal girls, alot like the ones I found throughout the midwest...

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger Andy said...

Oh Dade, I could not disagree more with this post.

Having lived in Miami for 2 years and New York now for just about 1 I'm gonna disagree with most of your "good things" about Miami.

a) Clubs - the clubs on south beach are awful. Talk about snotty and trendy, Pod. You can't even get in if your guy:girl ratio isn't at least 1:2. Then, once they "let" you in, you have to pay $20.

I have yet to pay a cover to get into a bar in New York (unless it was a comedy show or had some kickin' live music).

All the $20 in Miami gets you is bitchy, stupid, superficial chicks and access to $12 drinks and $9 Bud bottles.

New York beats Miami here hands down on variety alone - not to mention clientel and price.

b) Humidity - true you get used to it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I was so happy to come to New York and not be soaked in sweat every single day when I walked into work/school first thing in the morning. Miami has maybe, MAYBE 3 months of really nice weather (just like everywhere else).

c) Beaches - unless you live on the beach, going to the beach sucks. It takes so freaking long to get to them because the traffic is so bad. A 12 mile car ride takes 45 minutes, and then you have to find a place to park. Sure you can trek out to Key Biscayne, but then you have to stare at all the fat ass cubans in thongs and put up with their weekly loud and annoying barbeques on the beach with their 1 million kids.

d)T (first post) said women don't use eye contact in New York...WHA??!? Where did you go? It's impossible to go into a bar here and not make eye contact with at least a few girls. And chances are they will be white...and educated...and not bitches (unless you're murray hill, then scratch the last one).

But again - Variety.

e) Finally, Miami's live music scene is complete shit - the whole culture down there seems to be devoid of anything more high-brow Sean Paul. Don't even get me started on WMC.

I'm glad you're happy down there man, I guess someone has to be.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Kawaii desu ne said...

There are still flaws that affect you when you’re young, though, and most of them begin with the letter H. Hurricanes, humidity, and another one I can’t think of right now.

i think the word you're looking for is "herpes."
& i much prefer SoCal to FL. but cheers to loving where you live!

 
At 3:47 PM, Anonymous J said...

Andy,
Here's my rebuttal.

a. A club on SoBe is incomparable to a bar in NYC. You're telling me you can get into clubs in NYC for free and with no girls?? whatever dude. If you think there's no great dive bars in Miami, clearly we didn't run in the same circles.

b. True. Its summer right now and F'ing hot and nasty. But come October I'll be singing praises to the weather until May while everyone else deals with "sleet", "frost", and "ice".

c. Driving to SoBe is terrible and is the reason I avoid it. However, its not so bad in seasons other than spring. Also Key Biscayne is great - just go to Bill Baggs or the preserve part of Crandon. Its beautiful! Also I heard from someone once that NYC has a bit of traffic as well...

d. See A.

e. totally agree. Everywhere in the world kicks Miami's ass when it comes to live music. I'm actually going to a show tonight, but otherwise I have to trek to Ft Laud.

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

T - It may be better than NY, but it is still tough. I've just been here long enough to figure it out. Well, a little bit.

Anon - I mention that in every other post I write about Miami. I just thoguht I'd be more positive for Once. And only.

T - No, it's more unpopular. Like the typical response would be "Why?" or "Que?"

Nicole - I've done 2 other posts on liking white girls. i tinhk the flak was laid out there.

Angel - That song came out when I moved here. Back then I actually believed it.

Rachel - But the parties here...really world class.

Pod - You can have 100% of the profits I make off this post, okay? I agree, NY is okay, but Miami is a much better place to party.

Anon - Acutally, everyone is crooked. not just the Russians.

Johnson - That's a good questoin. What ARE you doing in C-ville?

Anon2 - Actually, the non-english speakers here take jobs other people want. Like marketing and finance jobs, for instance, since all they do is deal with Latin America. It is not the low class here that does not learn the language, but a lot of the middle and upper calsses as well. Why it is so irritating: they can afford to not learn English.

Andy - J said it for me. I went to Crobar in NY and paid a large cover. same with other clubs. there are more dive mars and stuff in NY, but of course, it is a bigger city. Live music scene is awful, that's true. But I do love WMC. Then again, I like that kind of music.

Kawaii - The only guy I know here who got that particular VD got it form some girl in New Jersey he met on MySpace. So it wasn't een from a local. And I don't know how anyone could love SoCal.

J - Going to see Spoon fed Tribe again?

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger T. said...

Andy - Huh? Do you live in a different NY than I do? Trendy clubs in NYC are impossible to get into without 2 or more girls per guy PLUS $300 bottle service (and now places have a two-bottle minimum). Even knowing the promoters AND the bouncers barely helps anymore. AND the covedr is more than $20 most of the time (although they often "waive" the cover once you agree to pay $600 for liquor bottles that cost $40 in the liquor store.

And NY girls are as superficial as anywhere else, go to a hot club here, reserve a table and a bottle and see how many cokesluts with bad tans and highlights start hanging around you on cue.

But the live music....hell yeah, NY is great for that. I agree with you there. Same for humidity, when I went down to Florida the humidity almost killed me.

And the eye contact thing...I'm not saying it never happens, but it does happen a LOT less than it does in other places. And I'm not just talking bars and what-not, I mean day-to-day living, commuting and walking in the street. People try their best not to look at each other.

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Andy said...

My point is, you can entirely avoid trendy clubs in New York. In Miami is your main option - especially if you're trying to pick up girls. I hate them. They're expensive. They play shit music and are full of euro-trash (in both NY and Miami). The cool chicks are all in the bars and lounges - which you can't find in Miami. I think I know of maybe 2 or 3 dives in Miami, and they sucked pretty hard on the male-female ratio.

 
At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Anon2 - Actually, the non-english speakers here take jobs other people want. Like marketing and finance jobs, for instance, since all they do is deal with Latin America. It is not the low class here that does not learn the language, but a lot of the middle and upper calsses as well. Why it is so irritating: they can afford to not learn English."

Hey White Dade...you know of any gringos that can speak spanish and portuguese fluently ? Who else is going to do the sale, finance and marketing jobs that service South America and the Caribbean ?

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger Angelina said...

whoa.

you had me there.

I mean, for a minute, you really had me thinking about moving back to florida...and then I remembered how much I fucking loathe my family.

phew! that was a super close one.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger The Lone Gringa said...

On my first day in Miami, some 6 years ago, I asked an all too eager Hispanimexicuban Wal Mart stock guy where I could find a can opener. He ran off for a minute, then jogged back to proudly offer up.. a scented candle. I said "GRA-SEE-AHS!" cause he looked real proud and I felt bad.

I mean... can you really complain that the guy making your sandwich doesn't speak perfect English? And it's easy enough to find an English speaking doctor, lawyer or dentist, you just open the phonebook and pick one with "-berg" or "-witz" in their last name.

 
At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miami is a third world shit hole.
Check out http://www.thirdworldsouthflorida.com and read the Travel Review!

Worth it!

 
At 3:10 PM, Anonymous mj said...

I just had an interview in Miami. I'm 24, single, and love big city life. But wow, after driving around and checking the place out I immediately turned it down. It was nothing like I had expected. NOTHING.

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miami like every other place has it's major flaws. We can complain about this, we can puff up about that, but you cannot deny that Miami is the closest thing to livin' it up on the islands. It's beautiful! No denying it.

To me, there are two Miami's. The part where natives like me really know about, where the glitz and the glam really is gloom and gramps, And the other, the side that makes it impossible for a celebrity not to own a pad here, just to have a piece of the magic.

As a native Miamian, I love New York for it's urban artistic scene. Really, you get a feeling that something great is going to happen for you at any moment. Only, problem is, everybody lives in somebody's basement, the city looks like crap, even what's considered posh, and everybodys got a side hustle that's pretty much panning out to nothing. It's a city of dreamers, and the only thing that's keeping that place afloat are the few people that have real jobs. I'm sorry, if my choice was living with my parents, or living in a rat hole-next to a rat, I'd rather the beauty and ability to live and party like a rockstar down here in the magic city.

Anyway, the point is, who cares! A city is only as great as the opportunities it affords you. If you're not into reasonable priced housing, caribbean food or love, year round beach weather or partying till you can't feel your legs, then Miami's just too darn hot for ya. Take a trip to New York in December and cool off a bit. When you're sick off all the culture, come back down extract the broomstick from out of your......

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why do you keep saying there is a shortage of "white" girls in Miami, I'm sorry but is the Miami population mostly Black. Last time I checked there is white, there is black and asian races, and then you have culture. There are white, black and asian Latinos. So, you just sound like you need to get educated. A lot of people I went to school with who are white, but whose family came from Cuba, hate the Latin culture, and all the aspects of Miami that you hate, so they leave, simple as that, so again, get your facts straight, and you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.

 
At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also, the reason Miami has become so bad in the past 10 years is that, originally the Cuban immigrants who came in the 1960's=1980's built this city and love all things American, so they assimilated completely. Now the one's that have come in the past 10 years are not here for political asylym, they are here for economic reasons, they could give a shit about America, most are f***ing communist trash, who refuse to learn english and I think they get a kick of thinking they are taking over. These are really ghetto people, the ones that usually drive poorly, that don't speak english, ect. I just pretend I don't know a word of Spanish when I come across then so I won't have to deal with them, and I grew up here, my family is from Cuba, so it's even worse with me, because they think I should know Spanish, it's very frustrating.

 
At 1:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree Miami has become in some ways (past 10 years) like a foreign country for reasons posted in the previous post. The only thing that keeps me sane is my American neighbors who don't know Spanish, so I don't have to worry about having to speak it. But, one thing I've learned about traveling to NY and working there a while, is that you never can tell just by looking at someone who is Latin, trust me, I know Latin guys who are much "whitter" than you White Dade, some are my cousins, who don't speak a word of Spanish and grew up in Kansas City, you would be shocked when you found out their last name was Torres or Perez, you would never guess they were Latin. You would meet them and be in shock to see all of your egotistic stereotypes disintegrate down the toilet, so your lack of openmindedness and just plain lack of coolness is just shitty. you frame of thinking truly blows! you need to learn about the real world. Also, I think its funny you think all white, black , or asian Latin men are "smoldering Latino lovers" that is the most ridiculous stereotype. Sounds like you've been watching too much crappy TV.

from a cuban-american white person who hates Latin culture and can't wait to get the hell out of Miami.

 
At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why do you keep saying there is a shortage of "white" girls in Miami, I'm sorry but is the Miami population mostly Black. Last time I checked there is white, there is black and asian races, and then you have culture. There are white, black and asian Latinos. So, you just sound like you need to get educated. A lot of people I went to school with who are white, but whose family came from Cuba, hate the Latin culture, and all the aspects of Miami that you hate, so they leave, simple as that, so again, get your facts straight.

and these people who leave Miami, are doctors, lawyers, and other professionals who live in all major American cities and you wouldn't known they were Latin just by looking at them, the same as I don't know if you are English, French, German, Irish, whatevever. Although I know your not Irish because the Irish are way too cool. You just need a meet more people, learn about them, and actually get a reality check.

 

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