I’m sure this comes as a great disappointment to all of you Miami
haters out there, but the fact is I do not hate Miami
at all. Quite the contrary, I love this city. I point out its many, many, many flaws on this blog because it is a hell of a lot more entertaining than me talking about how awesome it is here, and I feel I need to let those who have never been to Dade County know that it is hardly all fashion models and palm trees. But I love this town in spite of its flaws and, like in any good relationship, because of them.
I tried leaving once and went to the most logical place someone leaving Miami would go: Southern California. And let me tell you if you think people in South Beach are shallow, or girls in South Florida are materialistic and vapid, we are the AAA to SoCal’s Major League. Not the only reason I left, but suffice to say Orange County just wasn’t the place for someone like me. And LA sucked even worse. So I came to the following conclusion:
Miami is, hands down, the best place in America to live if you are single and under thirty. Now before all you New Yorkers start jumping down my throat about your town being “The Center of the Universe” and “The Best of Everything,” remember that one can actually afford to live here on $35,000 a year, which is extremely important when you are young. The nightlife in Miami is as good as it gets in America, and we have clubs that stay open until noon the next day. Now, not everyone wants to take advantage of that, but it’s nice to know that nobody is going to be pushing you out the door at 1:45. We have beaches that you can go to year round, and a few of them are topless. The population, contrary to our national reputation, is extremely young and extremely lively, making this a great place to meet people for social endeavors. Notice I said “social endeavors” and not “relationships.” If you are a guy, there is a steady flow of tourist girls that adopt the “I’m on Vacation so it doesn’t count” attitude. Miami is the East Coast’s version of Las Vegas. If you are female, there is a steady flow of “I’m on vacation and will spend as much money as I can” guys who will be more than happy to buy your drinks all night. Just not me.
Granted, there is a shortage of white girls, which are really the only girls I am attracted to. But the good news is that when you find one they are usually grateful to meet you. There is a shortage of white guys in Miami too, and most white girls I’ve met in Miami aren’t too into the whole “Smoldering Latino” thing. Just like me.
The biggest drawbacks to living here really don’t apply too much when you are young. Skyrocketing Housing costs? I’m still renting, and while my rent may go up a little, it is nothing compared to what a mortgage or property tax increase would be. Hurricane Insurance? What’s that? I’m a renter. Hurricane Damage? An inconvenience, but ultimately the landlord is paying. Poor job market? Well, low-paying jobs are always open and unlike in some cities you can live off an entry level salary in Miami. And not have to wait tables at night. Bad Schools? The High School football is outstanding, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Traffic? I base my apartment searches on where I won’t have to sit in traffic, not where the good schools are, where I can afford a house or what my neighborhood is like. Government Corruption? As long as they’re not trying to move closing time back form 5AM, I couldn’t care less if they are embezzling school funds. This is why I say the good outweighs the bad here so much: The bad things are mostly avoidable while the good are available on a daily basis.
There are still flaws that affect you when you’re young, though, and most of them begin with the letter H. Hurricanes, humidity, and another one I can’t think of right now. Hurricanes suck, plain and simple. But so do blizzards, earthquakes, weeks of sub-zero temperatures and 10 months of overcast. The heat and humidity you get used to, or at least I have, to the point where Southern California is too cold. The cultural differences? Well, in case you didn’t notice I’m still dealing with that one. But, again, it is really the major flaw of this city and if my biggest problem with a place is hearing too much Reggaeton, well, I guess I can live with that. It is a small price to pay to be surrounded by friends, perpetual summer weather, world-class nightlife and postcard-esque beaches. And tourist girls, lest I forget the tourist girls.
If you are a young person concerned with long-term career goals, finding a serious relationship and owning property, this is not the town for you. Stay in whatever boring shithole you are reading this from. But if you are young, attractive, hedonistic and not overly concerned with anything other than where your next drink or piece of ass is coming from, this is definitely the town for you. Bienvenidos!