The first Hurricane scare after a major storm is always a bitch, since everyone swears never to make the same mistakes again. Even if the storm blowing through is currently experiencing the near-apocalyptic wind gusts of 40 Miles per hour. I think my new rule is if my Saturn goes faster than your wind gusts, I’m not even going to bother buying potato chips. But lacking anytihng better to do on a Monday I fully bought into Ernesto paranoia and spent the afternoon at Publix and Citgo stocking up on such necessities as Totino’s and Blue Bird Doughnuts. Oh, and Gas. Lest we forget gas. Because any South Floridian who didn’t spend at least two days of 2005 in a gas line may as well be called a tourist.
In that sprit, I would like to submit a proposal to Governor Jeb Bush: Anyone caught cutting a Gas Line two days prior, or two weeks after, a hurricane is sent immediately to Old Smokey with no questions asked. Listen, Dickwad: We all need fucking gas, here. And some of us have been sitting in this line since we woke up this morning and you think you are just going to throw on your blinker and scoot right in? Remember Reginald Denny? Yeah, that’s about the reaction you are going to get from me and the other 78 people trying desperately to fill our tanks with some of Citgo’s finest.
And just because the cops aren’t guarding the other entrance doesn’t mean you can zip in there in your Black Jaguar and fill up while the rest of us sit on US-1 for the better part of our afternoon. That is why that guy in the F-350 rammed you backwards. And the cops had no sympathy when they got there. Sorry about your chipped paint, but I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to work on it while your car is stuck in your driveway unable to move since you decided to try and cut the gas line. Order and civility, usually not the strong suit of your typical Miamian, is what keeps us from being
And then it was on to Publix. I was there to get a few things so I didn’t starve during the 24 hours before Little Caesar’s opens up. But Jesus Fucking Christ you’d have thought Publix was giving the store away for free. Listen, kids: There is no need to go to Publix and buy three weeks worth of groceries, especially when these groceries include meat, dairy, eggs and frozen food. So, when you power goes out around 11AM on Wednesday, what exactly were you planning to do with that four pounds of bacon you just bought? Fry it on your car radiator? And five cases of bottled water? Most people I know are hard pressed to consume 48 ounces of water in a day. But I guess somehow when the prospect of there being no open grocery stores for 48 hours comes about, we all seem to down water like we are going on a two day patrol through Fallujah. Either that or all the folks in
Oh, and lets make sure we all stock up on ice. Because nothing, and I mean nothing, sucks more than having no power, no running water, no gas, and not being able to chill your martini. Or, even worse, having to drink warm water. Again, what exactly are you planning to do with that ice when your freezer isn’t working for a week? Ice it with more ice? Hurricane logic just baffles me.
And before I forget, let me just reiterate once again why having kids is probably the worst idea you could ever have: While you were busy buying up half of Publix for your “family,” waiting on line at the checkout stand for the better part of 90 minutes, I bought five cans of coup, two bags of chips and a gallon of water. That’s less than 10 items, so I was in and out in under half an hour. God bless the Express Lanes. I don’t need to board anything up since, once again, I have nothing worth protecting, and most people with power don’t mind having one person over to take shower. That’s a little different when you’re dragging along three snot-nosed punks and a dog. Not to mention there’s a good chance you’ll be stuck in house with no A/C for a week with those little brats. Let me know how that works out for you. I’ll be drinking heavily and nursing my hangover with a nice long run. Have a great week! I’ll see when the “storm” blows over.