Monday, August 28, 2006

Hurricane Paranoia

The first Hurricane scare after a major storm is always a bitch, since everyone swears never to make the same mistakes again. Even if the storm blowing through is currently experiencing the near-apocalyptic wind gusts of 40 Miles per hour. I think my new rule is if my Saturn goes faster than your wind gusts, I’m not even going to bother buying potato chips. But lacking anytihng better to do on a Monday I fully bought into Ernesto paranoia and spent the afternoon at Publix and Citgo stocking up on such necessities as Totino’s and Blue Bird Doughnuts. Oh, and Gas. Lest we forget gas. Because any South Floridian who didn’t spend at least two days of 2005 in a gas line may as well be called a tourist.

In that sprit, I would like to submit a proposal to Governor Jeb Bush: Anyone caught cutting a Gas Line two days prior, or two weeks after, a hurricane is sent immediately to Old Smokey with no questions asked. Listen, Dickwad: We all need fucking gas, here. And some of us have been sitting in this line since we woke up this morning and you think you are just going to throw on your blinker and scoot right in? Remember Reginald Denny? Yeah, that’s about the reaction you are going to get from me and the other 78 people trying desperately to fill our tanks with some of Citgo’s finest.

And just because the cops aren’t guarding the other entrance doesn’t mean you can zip in there in your Black Jaguar and fill up while the rest of us sit on US-1 for the better part of our afternoon. That is why that guy in the F-350 rammed you backwards. And the cops had no sympathy when they got there. Sorry about your chipped paint, but I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to work on it while your car is stuck in your driveway unable to move since you decided to try and cut the gas line. Order and civility, usually not the strong suit of your typical Miamian, is what keeps us from being New Orleans. When people start cutting gas lines, it is only a hop skip and a jump from mass rapings at Dolphin Stadium. So I propose they, along with price gougers, have whatever gas they got immediately poured on their bodies and be lit on fire, their only option for relief being the urine of everyone behind them on that gas line.

And then it was on to Publix. I was there to get a few things so I didn’t starve during the 24 hours before Little Caesar’s opens up. But Jesus Fucking Christ you’d have thought Publix was giving the store away for free. Listen, kids: There is no need to go to Publix and buy three weeks worth of groceries, especially when these groceries include meat, dairy, eggs and frozen food. So, when you power goes out around 11AM on Wednesday, what exactly were you planning to do with that four pounds of bacon you just bought? Fry it on your car radiator? And five cases of bottled water? Most people I know are hard pressed to consume 48 ounces of water in a day. But I guess somehow when the prospect of there being no open grocery stores for 48 hours comes about, we all seem to down water like we are going on a two day patrol through Fallujah. Either that or all the folks in Coral Gables are planning on bathing with Evian.

Oh, and lets make sure we all stock up on ice. Because nothing, and I mean nothing, sucks more than having no power, no running water, no gas, and not being able to chill your martini. Or, even worse, having to drink warm water. Again, what exactly are you planning to do with that ice when your freezer isn’t working for a week? Ice it with more ice? Hurricane logic just baffles me.

And before I forget, let me just reiterate once again why having kids is probably the worst idea you could ever have: While you were busy buying up half of Publix for your “family,” waiting on line at the checkout stand for the better part of 90 minutes, I bought five cans of coup, two bags of chips and a gallon of water. That’s less than 10 items, so I was in and out in under half an hour. God bless the Express Lanes. I don’t need to board anything up since, once again, I have nothing worth protecting, and most people with power don’t mind having one person over to take shower. That’s a little different when you’re dragging along three snot-nosed punks and a dog. Not to mention there’s a good chance you’ll be stuck in house with no A/C for a week with those little brats. Let me know how that works out for you. I’ll be drinking heavily and nursing my hangover with a nice long run. Have a great week! I’ll see when the “storm” blows over.


At 6:19 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

There was nothing more fun than walking out of Sam's Club today with a bottle of Bailey's and Svedka Vodka, after coming from 3 pitchers at Hooters while we wait out the traffic and gas lines..God Bless you Ernesto...I now get a mid week 2 day vacation, only to be followed by a three day weekend..see you at the bars...

At 7:48 PM, Blogger Tara said...

My older brothers used to call me a "snot-nosed punk"..Ah the memories. :)
Well I do hope you stay safe during this hurricane season. Sounds like you bought some essentials, especially the chips.

At 7:54 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

What is going to happen is that Ernesto is going to miss Florida, and then the next one will miss Florida and towards the end of September Florida is going to hit, people will be unprepared because the last two missed them and then it will be back to 2004 when the 4 hurricanes hit.

At 10:16 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Ice always seems to be the first thing anyone thinks to buy in emergency situations.

House on fire? Buy ice.
Governmental overthrow? Buy ice.
Armageddon? Buy ice.

The second thing always seems to be milk.

At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So don't leave out the important things. Where is your girlfriend, and are you two going to have storm sex?

At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH - Florida sucks so bad!! That doesn't mean I wish ill will on you Dadey or any other Floridians, I'm just glad I got the fuck outta there.

- Florida hater

At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Playtah said...

Maybe having kids while going thru a storm isn't all that bad of an idea:
1. You can duct tape the kids over your windows. It's cheaper than plywood.
2. You can eat your kids for food, so no long waiting in store lines.
3. Kids don't need to be refrigerated.
4. If someone cuts in front of you at the gas station, shove your two-year old in their jag and drive away quickly. Because there's nothing worse than someone else's screaming kid in your back seat.
5. Kids make great sandbags--you don't have to carry them. Just tell them where to lay. And bonus absorbency if they still wear diapers.

At 11:13 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Amen to that, WD. I heard Jeb Bush say on TV yesterday, "it doesn't matter if it's a tropical storm or a category 3 hurricane."

Tropical storm: wind that may take a few branches or old trees down.
Category 3 hurricane: wind that will rip the roof off your house.

Yeah, it really doesn't matter. Way to make everyone panic, jackass.

At 11:14 AM, Anonymous David in DC said...

Just got back from a week at Disney and on a Disney Cruise.

The wife insisted on buying travel insurance.

She's clairvoyant like that, always predicting stuff that happens, but not when she predicts it. We're thinking of investing in the internet. We hear it's the next big thing.

Good luck riding it out WD. Joking aside, we'll all be thinking of you.

At 5:42 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Even Jeb was telling people not to hoard! Yep, the hoarders are out there!

At 12:21 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

This year, "preparedness panic" set in about 9:00 p.m. on Sunday night. As I cruised my way through the vacant Winn-Dixie stocking up on Chips, Chips, Hostess Creme Filled Cupcakes and Lil' Debbie Donut Stix, (and water) (and Gatorade for the hangover) and a DiGiorno Pizza for dinner, I congratulated myself.

Moreso, when I filled up my car early Monday a.m., with nary a gas line in sight.

But, to answer your question re: ice - it keeps the freezer cooler for longer, so, if, in the EXTREMELY REMOTE possibility that FPL actually gets power on within four days of the storm, there's still salvageable chicken in the freezer. That's also why I freeze all my water. Because GOD FORBID I drink warm water during a storm. Also, the puddles the ice makes in the freezer give me something to complain about later.

At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give me an earthquake any day of the week (well, actually more like once every 3-4 years not 3-4 per summer). No warning. That's for the panic-attack crowd. And seeing as I have to rugrats in tow, I can get my ass to the store faster than the rest of you and my manly arms can loot much more efficiently than those small kiddie arms you have to worry about.

At 1:31 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Cliff - And how much of that did we actually drink?

Tara - Yes, I stayed quite safe. But what an effing joke!

Rachel - Well, you are one for one so far...

Nicole - yeah. Becasue God forbid we go a week without dairy.

Anon1 - You oculd call it storm sex if there had actualyl been a storm. But lacking that it was more like "Rainy Day sex."

FH - Well, thank you for your concern. Sort of.

Playtah - Man, I never thought of it that way. Okay. so maybe kids aren't al lbad after all.

Chris - And Jeb got the brains in that fmaily too.

David - I hate insurance.Refuse to ever buy it. But I guess that's what having a wife does to a guy.

Manola - Hoarding is for fat-asses, you know?

Superbee - SOunds like you stock up like I do.

Anon2 - Kids, Earthquakes and hurricanes all suck. period.

At 6:56 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

WD, you got that right.


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