Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Innocent on Labor Day, Whore by Thanksgiving

As I walk around the University of Miami campus a few days before school starts, I can't help but notice all the cute young girls walking around with mommy and daddy, buying dorm "necessities" like storage racks and Teddy Grahams, and strolling around with a look of fear, confusion and excitement. And until Mom and Dad go back to Maryland or Long Island or Palm Beach County, their little girl is safe. But as I look around at these innocent young faces, on the boys too but moreso on the girls, I wonder:

I wonder how long it will be before these rail thin nubile beauties discover the cornucopia of teenage drinking that is The Tavern. How long before those magical jugs full of Miller Lite turn her form Daddy's Little Girl to Unlce Neal's Little Whore? Her stomach magically spilling over those size 2 jeans she bought before she moved down, her innocence floating up through the Tavern rafters like so much smoke form a Marlboro Light.

She'll start going out every night and telling herself she'll work it off at the Wellness Center tomorrow. But that dirty-line Miller Lite hangover is a bitch and the all-you-can-eat at Chartwells sounds much more inviting. Followed by a delicious Menthol 100 and another night of domestic beer at the Tavern. That size 2 will be a size 6 by Columbus Day, and she will most likely go home with any guy around at 2:30 just to bolster her sagging self-esteem. It's hard to do that and stay skinny like the older girls when you haven't taken up cocaine yet.

How many of these girls are virgins? How many won't be when they go home for Thanksgiving? And how many will regret that fact? Who will be the first to wake up in a fraternity house and not remember how she got there or where her clothes are? Who will be deemed a "groupie" by Pike or Lambda Chi or the baseball team? Who will be the first to have a train run on her by the 7th Floor Crew, the first to garner a bad reputation, the first to take up hard drugs? Because I'm sure daddy never saw that coming when he was moving her stuff into Hecht. They never do.

Yes, Daddy, how long before your little girl starts sleeping with frat guys and athletes to feel popular? So the other girls will look up to her? How long until she realizes that while other girls may secretly be jealous, it will manifest itself as rumors and exile and she will ultimately become the girl who "prefers to hang around with guys because they're so much cooler." And by "cooler" you mean "nicer to me because they all want to/already have gotten into my pants." But you'll never see that now. You're too busy having lunch on Lincoln Road. Oh, but once you check out of the Biltmore, let the games begin.

Which one of these lovely young ladies from the north will be the first to be taken home down a long, dark, windy road we like to call Old Cutler to a part of Miami she didn't even know existed? "Palmetto where?" she'll say. How long before she realizes that she went home with a hardened local who has been doing this since she was in 5th grade? Perhaps when she mentions she needs to be back for class at 9AM. See that thing across from the 7-11? That's called the Busway. Take it 8 miles north to the Metrorail, take that to the University Station and you'll be home. Because I don’t go north on US-1 during Rush Hour for anybody.

Who will be the first douchebag guy to think it's cool to wear a double-popped collar to the Tavern and have it turned down my me or one of my friends? How long before one of these stupid young guys becomes a cocky frat boy who assumes he has the rights to the back table on a Thursday? And no, I don't care if you were pledge of the year at Pike or were an all-state wrestler in New Jersey.

All of you will be calling your friends in December from the beach, telling them where you are and making fun of how cold it is in State College or Bloomington or Storrs. And you will tell everyone when you go home for Christmas how awesome it is here and how much you love the "Latin flavor" and the "nonstop nightlife." Then, little by little, you will experience life outside the "UM Bubble." Maybe when you go to get a Florida Drivers License, or try and pay a ticket at the Coral Gables Courthouse. Or maybe like me you’ll be at an Eckerd trying to buy boot polish and have to ask 5 different people because they didn’t teach you that particular phrase in Spanish 105. At what point will you say "Fuck this place" and decide to go home after graduation like 90% of the out-of-staters do. Except for the white guys dating Latin girls. At what point will the Miami mystique wear off and the reality of life in Dade County sets in? But you don't know that now. You're still hypnotized by the palm trees and subservient to the humidity.

Enjoy your South Floirda innocence while you can, kids. I remember when I was like you, young, excited and innocent. If I see you at Ted's I'll buy you a drink, but something tells me you'll never make it that far. Welcome to Dade County. Let's see how long you last.

25 Comments:

At 4:43 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Good post WD.

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

damn....

it only takes about a month before the "fresh meat" turn into whores. Lucky for me, I was engaged during that first month, so I didn't turn into a slut until he broke it off during second semester :-)

and a size 2 is overrated- a 6 is much healthier anyways.

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

That's beautiful Dade. My daughter will never find herself anywhere near Miami.

Yes, far different than old Cal. I don't believe anyone there even had parents that weren't 8,000 miles away and they would never try beer for crying out loud. Had I been single, I could've written the post about foreign male virgins turned whores.

As for never say never. I mention to SurferMike that I promised never to visit Cuba? He goes and says he would like to visit Cuba and take me with him. What a mean fuck!

 
At 8:38 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

Oh, how I wish one of these BabyJAPs would buy my spacious, "Penthouse" University Inn Condominium. That's why mine's still listed. Soon, Barrie or Orly or Rochel or Aubrey is going to get ty-ty of living "on campus" and caawl home to Chevy Chase begging for a home of her own.

So what if I did it? As a 23 year old.

Ah, yes. So young and innocent. Soon to become little ticks, gorged with money and booze, leaving a slimy trail of cum behind them...

Not only will I pray for my BabyJAP buyer's name to be inscribed in the book of life, but I may even be SO OVERCOME with gratitude, that I leave behind the number of the shady man that drives a new car every time I call him up...

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

What are you talking about being innocent before college starts. Most of the girls that I know opened their va-j-j in high school. Usually as a junior.

 
At 10:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, this is depressing.

that's why i'm making sure my kids all get 1600 on the s.a.t. it DOES matter!

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least you could have posted a picture of good looking freshies walking around campus. I'm sure there are plenty of cute girls to choose from.

Otherwise a pretty damn good post.

- Florida Hater

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger alizinha said...

I'm so glad I didn't drink in college.

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Andy said...

Good ol' Miami. Everytime I read one of your posts it makes me glad I am no longer there.

 
At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like your post, but if it sux so bad, why stay ?

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger T. said...

Anonymous makes a good point. It's an issue i have with NY. I bash it all the time, but I'm still here so I can't hate it that bad deep down. I'm interested too, why DO you stay, WD? Hopefully your answer may help me figure out my OWN motivation for staying here.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Thanks, WD. I will never regret choosing Ithaca over UM again.

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Johnny said...

If I have a daughter, if she doesn't make Ivy League, she's going to a local state school where I can keep my eye on her somewhat. WD you should be loving these freshman hotties coming to campus. Sounds awesome for a guy living down there, though I'm a cold-weather guy myself. Ashburnite - size six is much better, rail thin doesn't work for me. 2nd semester slut huh?? Haha I won't say anything...

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Velvet said...

Found you through Amy in Miami!

A UM alum....catching up on some Miami blogs. What you say is true, and I graduated 11 years ago. At graduation my mom said, "Ok, wanna eat lunch? Where do you want to go?"

Me: "Home."

That humidity killed me. Four years. I sweat buckets of it!

I didn't have a lot of sex in college though...I knew better. I slept with people who didn't run their mouths.

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

Haven't you responded to the "Why do you stay in Miami" question about 400 times by now? Didn't you even blog about it? Why do people KEEP asking that fucking question? Anyway, hopefully I can help fulfill some parent's nightmare...

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger T. said...

Cliff - I'm a relatively new reader. Didn't know it was already asked and answered.

 
At 4:34 PM, Anonymous J said...

Most of this is not a UM or Miami thing - its called college. The only difference is that the U offers more than your avg college town.

But you gotta be kidding me if you think there is no innocence lost in Ithaca or the Ivy League! 90% of my female high school friends came back sizes larger and drank waaaay more than the ladies in Coral Gables. If anything, the Greeks other places are full of much more douchbaggery than UM; the athletes are not gods to the students here like they are at other schools.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

One month? Hot Damn! Took me all the way into UM grad school to get laid! And I was cute and skinny back then and drank like a Kentucky moonshine brewer! ;-)

 
At 7:39 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Joe - Thanks

Ash - Yeah. becasie freshmen year colege engagements always last. That was a wasted semester.

JenJen - Cal? Yeah, I guess if you like Asians.

SuperBee - That is really some lovely imagery. Thank you.

Rachel - Oh, they may have been to the dance, but the level of depravity usually goes waaay up once there are no parents to consider.

Anon - You tihnk they are safe at smart kid schols? Read "I am Charlotte simmons."

FL H8R - Yeah, well, i really didn't want to be that guy snapping flicks of frshmen girls with my camera phone. Sorry.

Allison - Wow. Who doesn't dirnk in college?

Andy - Are you kidding? I'd tihnk this post would make you want to go back.

Anon - Who says it sucks? I love it. But most kids don't.

T - Because I like you, I'll mkae the point again: Every city has its flaws. So does Miami. But the good here outweighs the bad so I stay. Not the case in Seattle, OC, Sacramento, Oakland or anywhere else I've lived. but most kids fro mthe north can't handle it here after four years and exposure to life outside "the bubble" and they leave.

Chris - I write about young, hot girls turnign into whores and you REGRET not coming here. A lot of you seemed to have missed the point.

J - thank you for clearing that up. it is probably 100 times worse in Tallahassee but my experience is only with UM. Those small,backwoods schols offer NOTHING but sex and booze.

Manola - Agian, I reiterate, you missed out.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

"Her stomach magically spilling over those size 2 jeans she bought before she moved down"

OMG are you talking about the begining of a FUPA!!!! This is soooo awsome, This is why no matter what I will never have a daughter. Fuck that shit!

 
At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Charlotte Simmons was a ho!

 
At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"OMG are you talking about the begining of a FUPA!!!!"

The in-vogue term nowadays is the "Muffin Top" where the gut and love handles spill over top of the pants and out of the tight shirt.

 
At 8:13 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

My usually-the-last-to-report-it local news radio station did a bit on the "Freshman Fifteen" a couple of mornings ago. They tried to blame it on the irregular "snacking" habits that students pick up with all their "hectic class schedules" and "homework demands".

Please, we know the girls are guzzling beer by the gallon and screwing something vaguely male until the wee hours of the morning.

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I don't think I missed the point, honestly. Young, hot girls turned into whores at Ithaca, too... only they were wearing North Face Parkas by two weeks after Labor Day.

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger llama's pajamas said...

Ha! You're so right!

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home