Monday, August 14, 2006

Only Child Birthday Syndrome

Me and my sister are both only children. Weird sentence, right? Well, seeing as how Dad has been married more than a couple of times and we were both raised separately by different mothers who had no other kids, it kind of makes sense. It led to a lot of fun growing up, and even more now since we are both used to getting our way all the time and the concept of “compromise” is pretty much lost on both of us. Why living together was so much fun. Anyway, if there is one thing me and my sister agree on it is birthdays. While some may see their birthday as just sort of the anniversary of their entry into the world, and don’t give them much thought after 21 unless it is a birthday ending in zero, we treat our birthdays like a national goddamn holiday. As a license to so whatever the Hell we want with absolutely no regard for what anyone else wants to do. It is the one day of the year where you can act like Paris Hilton and no one can give you shit.

Am I unbearable on my birthday? No, not really. But I do not compromise or ever ask the question “Well, what do YOU want to do.” What you want to do is unimportant, because it’s not YOUR birthday. So if anyone fucks with me after midnight on Saturday you will incur my full birthday wrath.

People with siblings do not understand this as well as only children do. When we were growing up, our birthdays were meticulously planned and thought out by our parents, since it was a huge day for them too. Our parties could be as big as we wanted, since we didn’t have to worry about trivial things like "other people" and "fairness." Even though we were pretty much used to getting whatever we wanted and acting like spoiled brats anyway, our birthdays were the one day of the year where nobody could say a thing. And nothing has changed. I will never again work on my birthday, nor do anything else I don’t want to do. I always go to the gym, I often get drunk, and if I have a girl I’m dating, copious amounts of sex will be had. Otherwise somebody had better be buying me a hooker.

Only children will reciprocate the favor, though. When it is a friend’s birthday I tell them we are doing whatever they want and do not let them pay for anything. This confuses many of my friends who have siblings, since they really don’t see what the big deal is that they are turning 26. But to me they deserve to be treated like royalty for those 24 hours. My sister, who apparently likes having sex about as much as she likes going to the dentist (and this is NOT the delusions of an older brother, but rather drawn form the complaints of her longtime boyfriend) will even wake up a little early to give her boyfriend birthday sex before going to the gym and her daily glut of Pan-Hellenic meetings. Because, as she says, EVERYONE deserves birthday sex. Even the fat and old.

I started dating this girl a few weeks ago who is also an only child. Her birthday was last Friday and every morning I woke up with her the first thing she said to me was “Guess what? Only __ days until my birthday!!!!” Of course, this ended Friday when it actually was her birthday. She woke up, looked me in the eye, and said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE!!” and danced around the room for a few minutes. She was naked, so I was totally fine with this. Then her dad called at precisely 7:29 (apparently dipping out of an important meeting) since this was the hour when she was born. Then she spent the next hour on her cell phone with both her parents talking about her birthday (and you do know how much I love people who talk on their cell phones around me) and then proceeded to repeat the phrase “Happy birthday to Me” at least four dozen times before we left at 10:30. Most guys may have been disgusted and left at this display of utter selfishness, but I am an only child and I understand: It’s her birthday, if she wants to spend the whole day on her cell phone, go ahead and give yourself brain cancer. Because if there is one day I’m not gonna say shit, it’s your birthday.

This year is shaping up to be the best birthday weekend in two years. Friday night is the opening of a Snakes on A Plane, and that alone, friends, would be enough to make this the best birthday since my Bar Mitzvah. But, oh, there is so much more. Saturday there are three different parties to attend from Bloggers to Kickballers to a joint birthday keg party in the grove complete with photo cake, and Sunday will be my Birthday Brunch at Nikki Beach. So if any of you would like to meet me, we’ll be there around 12:30. Bring a present or I will not acknowledge your presence. That is three solid days of birthday festivities. And goddamned right. You only turn 27 once, and I deserve it.


At 2:52 PM, Anonymous MiamiGringo said...

w00t! The big 27!

My 27th wasn't so well planned as yours, but hey, my 28th will be! (That's on the 2nd.)

Happy B-Day early WD.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

happy happy joy joy!!!

have a great brithday.

i have to leave one snarky comment:
"My sister, who apparently likes having sex about as much as she likes going to the dentist"
... i like sex AND going to the dentist, so i didn't get your joke

At 3:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Time to grow up dork.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

happy birthday!! yay!! hope you spend the day adding lots of numbers to that spreadsheet ;-)

At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your girlfriend should be slapped in the mouth

At 12:59 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I agree with your concept of birthdays.
I was not an only child, but my parents still made a huge fuss over any of our birthdays--we got to be boss for the day, didn't have to share, and what we said goes.
I do the same for my friend's birthdays--go all out for them and make sure they are rulers for the full 24 hour period.
My last few birthday sucked as I was immersed behind books or in a clinical rotation. But this year will be different!!!!
Happy Birthday buddy!!

At 8:26 AM, Blogger Tara said...

Well you know you can visit my blog cuz I have your day marked down, but sounds like you'll be wonderfully busy for YOUR DAY! Woo hoo! I'm not an only child, but really should be as enthusiastic ahead of time. Birthdays are definitely underrated.

At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you started dating this girl a few weeks ago, and you're already waking up with her? you work fast.

At 9:37 AM, Blogger copyranter said...

Happy b-day fellow Lion?
(totally gay, I know)

Mariners suck ass!!

At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Making a big deal out of a birthday is NOT an only-child thing. Everyone I know makes a national holiday out their birthday and-or does a countdown. Even if they have siblings.

I love how transparent you are in your sad attempts to sound like you know anything useful.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

Good Times. I love to celebrate my friends birthdays with them. I tend to make a bigger deal out of them then they do. Which I totally love.
I love to spoil people and birthdays give me even more incentive.
Since I am a single mom, lots of times I can't really afford to buy anything super extravagant ($50 is usually my limit) but I will make a home made cake, dinner and invite people over to celebrate.
I love birthdays. A LOT!

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Sara said...

That is a fantastic birthday mantra... One that I will definitely follow on my own. Not that I didn't do what I wanted before, but I usually have a pretty nonchalant attitude toward what I actually want to do...

Oh, and PS - happy birthday

At 1:39 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

wow....all of these anons sound very bitter...and so what if you met her a few weeks ago and are waking up with her....what, are you supposed to wait 3 months for sex?? fuck that.

At 2:17 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

MG - Thank you.

Mini - Hmmm. Well I guess that analogy really wouldn't apply to you then, huh? I don't mind the dentist either but a lot of people seem to.

Anon1 - You grow up!

Ash - Thank you for the birthday wishes, but that would be a difficult feat at Nikki Beach. the phrase "Out of Your League" is kind of an understatement.

Anon2 - So quick to throw labels on people.

Angel Jr. - Man, med school must suck. Having to sacrifice your birthday to clinical rotations? Not worth it to me, dude.

Tara - Only underrated by some

Anon3 - Obviously you have not read my post on reverse dating theory.

CR - Yes they do. yes they do.

Anon4 - The Haters are back! Hooray, hooray! I'd missed you guys.

Rachel - We all should be so lucky to have friends that do that shit. I've had to buy my own cake for the last 4 years.

Sara - Thank you.

Ash - Solid point. But we see eye to eye on that kind of thing anyway.

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

First of all, happy birthday. Second, as a fellow only child you describe our birthdays perfectly. I am pretty much shameless whever my birthday rolls around.

At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My God, you've become Eric Cartman!

At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your post on reverse dating theory, but I haven't read *HERS*.

I've been meaning to comment on that, incidentally. You know, sometimes the idea that a certain person is "great in bed" or "bad in bed" is a misnomer. Soemtimes people are better if they are comfortable and excited about the person they are with, and it can take a bit of time to get used to their body and develop trust. I will tell you that the first time I sleep with someone, I probably won't be as "great" as the third time, just because I am still fearing they might be using me, I am not used to them seeing me naked, I dont' know how they will feel and what their erog. zones are, etc. etc. Those things work out better in time.

And YES, there are girls who just love sex so much that they are great every time, but if you assume every girl is going to be that way, and dump the ones who aren't, you might miss out on some good gals and fantastic sex. I just think sometimes guys don't see the female perspective. It's sort of like how you think we should have no problems giving blowjobs, but really, putting a giant penis in our mouths is harder for some of us than others. That's not because we don't try. You're lucky some can do it at all. Just a though - look at the big picture if you really want a cool girl.


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