Thursday, August 03, 2006

Reverse Dating Theory

"There are girls you marry and girls you fool around with, and nary the twain shall meet." – Line from some softcore I saw on Showtime about 10 years ago.

People always love to impart their wisdom about dating, and one of the most popular pieces of wholly unsolicited advice I get is "Don't date a girl you took home form a bar." I suppose in theory this makes sense, right? Any girl who would sleep with YOU that fast would probably sleep with anyone that fast and is therefore not girlfriend material. So, basically, any girl worth dating will play games and pretend like she doesn't want to sleep with you in order to garner your respect. This makes perfect sense. The problem is, it doesn’t work for me.

I have stated many times on this blog that I do not play games, and that I am an impatient person. I don't like the chase, I don't want what I can't have, and I believe in being up front with people when it comes to sex. Not upfront to the point of saying "hey, I wanna fuck your brains out," but upfront insofar as I do not pretend to not be interested when I am. Which is why, for many years, I never went out with a girl I had not already slept with.

That's right. The only women I even bothered calling were ones I'd already seen naked (this may explain my history of dating strippers, but that is a different topic altogether). Many of my friends scoffed at the idea, saying things like "Why are you making this girl dinner? You fucked her already. Don't take out the trash." Of course, if I am making dinner for a girl who I know I will sleep with at the end of the night, that's a guaranteed return on investment, isn't it? Who's the idiot now? My first real girlfriend, in college, had slept with me 16 times before we went on our first date. To a strip club. You can laugh but it is still the longest (2 and a half years) and most significant relationship I've ever had. And so I followed the formula with all future dates for many years. My ex called it "reverse dating": you fuck first and ask question later.

Reverse dating makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Men, or a lot of men anyway, will pretend to be whatever you want them to be until they get in your pants. This is a well-documented fact that any woman who has seen a Porsche keychain on a set of Honda keys can verify. Furthermore, men really don't know whether or not they like you until that magical moment of first contact. Their brain is confused with messages of "God, I wanna bend her over a chair" and "Wow, this girl can actually carry on a conversation," and cannot determine whether one thought has subconsciously convinced him of the other. Until he has slept with you. Then he can determine whether he actually thinks you are someone he would like to get to know or just another line on the spreadsheet.

It also gets a lot of the falsities and bullshit out of the way. Girls can relax a little since the guy has asked you out after screwing you, so you can rest assured he is in it for more than just the sex. Guys can be more themselves since they are not so concerned with impressing you as getting to know you, and a girl can therefore be a quicker and hopefully better judge of his character. There is no guesswork involved and makes the whole dating process easier for everyone involved.

Does it always work? Of course not. Just like every first date does not garner a second. Maybe you hook up and go out and hook up again and the sex gets no better and the person is just not "the one." Fine. But how is that different than waiting three dates to find out the same damn thing? It's not. And reverse dating is not for everyone: If you get overly emotional about sex (ladies) you probably couldn't handle casually dating someone you are sleeping with. Or if you are at all possessive (guys) it really isn't for you either. My point today is this: Sometimes a one-night stand is just that, an encounter that lasts no more than a few hours and is forgotten afterward. But sometimes it can lead to something more. Do not discard someone just because you slept with them right away: They may be the one you have been looking for and just prefer, like you, to cut the bullshit and go straight to the good stuff. I do not discount traditional dating, mind you. I think that can work fine for those who enjoy chase and anticipation. But for the impatient and straightforward, a relationship born in the bedroom can be easier, more relaxing and, ultimately, much more fulfilling.


At 2:45 PM, Anonymous rumandpopcorn said...

That made too much common sense, that'll never work.

Actually, I think you made an excellent point distinguishing those who enjoy "the chase" from those who don't. Unfortunately, I think those who enjoy (or think they do) "the chase" are in the majority.

At 3:14 PM, Blogger emily said...

I know at least three couples who hooked up the first night they met, and then started dating. Now one couple is married, one couple is engaged,and the third, well... two out of three ain't bad!
Maybe I should forget this whole casual dating thing, and go straight for the hook-up after all...

At 3:43 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

totally agreed. I am very impatient and very straightforward. The only problem is that the majority of men still wouldn't date a girl if she had sex on the first date. If you showed this post to every man out there, I'm sure you'd change a lot of minds. Until that happens.....

At 3:46 PM, Blogger T. said...

I apologize in advance for the length of this.

I never subscribed to the theory that a woman that sleeps with you fast must by implication sleep with everyone quickly. I really believe that sometimes a woman may just like you in particular. By the same token, I never believed that a woman that waits a long time to sleep with you necessarily waits a long time to sleep with everyone. For example I knew a guy a while back who was one of those stereotypical "bad boy" types that oozed danger and testosterone. He met a girl who was dating a guy for four months that she hadn't had sex with yet. He was being a "good guy" and respecting her wishes, he was apparently a real goody two-shoes. My friend screwed her within 3 days, because she was really attracted to him on a primal level. The other guy she was dating was someone she liked only because he was "nice" and looked good on paper (good job, good school), but there was no real passion there, so it was no problem for her to hold out on sex with him.

It's part of the reason why I never really be into a girl that can wait really long to have sex with me. It makes me think she can't be that attracted and passionate about me if she can keep control that long and not give in. I'd rather be found irresistible.

At 4:19 PM, Anonymous MiamiGringo said...

Completely agree with T above 100%...

If he hadn't said it, I would have.

Great post today WD! It's about time someone said it...

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Jaime said...

Well, this post certainly helps to justify my actions of late.

At 6:16 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Interesting how the Chronicles of White Dade have suddenly turned into the Chronicles of the Right Date. Never would have thought you'd be handing out dating advice. ;)

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

In brief: love is a crap shoot! :-)

At 7:33 PM, Blogger Wide Lawns Subservient Worker said...

I need to fix you up with my sister. She doesnt require dates. In fact, I dont think shes ever been on a proper date, so for her its not even reverse dating.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger heatheradair said...

i'm gonna agree with t, too...

because basically, don't we all have multiple dating personalities depending on who we're with?

i was ENGAGED to a guy (been with him for FOUR YEARS) and held out you-don't-wanna-know-how-long (could have been the church kid in me hanging on for dear life, but that's a separate issue)...met my husband: nailed on the first date, no questions asked.

depends on the animal vibes you're getting off of each other, I think...

sometimes you wait, sometimes you beg 'em to bend you over the chair.

sometimes you date the ones you nailed right away, sometimes you don't...

BUT, I couldn't imagine vowing to take it to the grave with someone unless I wanted to rip his pants off from the first second...

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

I tried that reverse dating thing quite a bit in my late teens and early 20's. The only VERY long term relationship I had was with a man that I went out on 1 date with and we had sex the next day. I have also dated someone for months and never had sex with him. I guess that it depends on how I respond to them on both a sub-conscious and intellectual level.
I agree that personal religious beliefs make it much harder to jump into the sackin addition to having a child and not wanting to have random men hanging around.

At 9:53 PM, Anonymous J said...

hmm is this based on recent experiences? ahh love is in the air.

At 10:28 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

That made a lot of sense. Like those statemnts--why buy cow when you already got the milk (is that the cliche). Well what if the milk taste rotten? You do have to try it out first. What if her vaj-ja-jay is big enough to park your arm up to your elbow and you've invested so much time "wooing" her. Then what?
After reading your theory, I'm going to whole-heartedly agree.

At 12:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ultimately, down the long road of marriage the only thing that will differentiate you from being a couple or being roommates is SEX. So, in theory, WD has a point here -- better be good from the beginning or else where is there longevity? Anyway, if a guy that screws a girl on the first meeting and actually thinks the girl is a slut for doing so is an idiot.

Besides, research has proven that girls who orgasm early on with their partner have a greater chance of a long term relationship with that man.

Where's JJ?


At 2:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome post! So true!!! Of course, I didn't realize this till later on in life, but better late than never.

Quite enjoy your blog. I find it humorous and insightful.

You aren't sexist or racist - you just keep it real!

At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post pretty mouch sums up my life and religious beliefs

At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's one problem, White Dade - you do not have a girlfriend, much less a wife.

Guys who offer advice like this are often single.

You say "men" as if you speak for all men.

"men really don't know whether or not they like you until that magical moment of first contact."

This is stupid. I hear men complaining all the time that women are materialistic, airheaded, crazy, etc...and now you're saying that personality won't really matter if your first time in bed doesn't work out quite right.

Here's something to think about. Sometimes, us girls will be a lot better in bed if we're really into you and know that you're not just screwing five other girls at the same time.

Yes, I'm sure having sex right away works sometimes. I'm just saying that if you apply your theories to all dating situations, you might scare off some really great girls.

Sometimes we want to make sure we like YOU before we get nekkid wit ye, and also that you don't have AIDS, etc etc.

>>> Their brain is confused with messages of "God, I wanna bend her over a chair" and "Wow, this girl can actually carry on a conversation,"

Sometimes you can find both, if you treat someone with respect and kindness for a change.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ali - That really is unfortunate. If less people enjoyed the chase, I tinhk therer would be a lot less games and confusion.

Emily - Ricki Lake slept with her husband on the first date. of course, she was a fat chick.

Ash - Oh, I don't think that's true at all. Men have evelved a LITTLE, you know.

T - you are 100% right. My issue is with girsls who wait for the sake of waiting. And, no, I couldn't be with a girl who didn't want me right away. What's the point?

MG - Thanks. I've been saying it for years.

Jamie - White Dade: Justifying Promisucous Behavior Since 2005.

Nicole - Neither woudl I. Given my track record. Nice little rhyme, though.

Manola - Yep. Pretty much.

WLSW - glad you think so highly of your sister. I wish mine could take a lesson from yours.

HeatherA - Yeah, like a female perspective on T's comment. No way I could sleep iwth one person forever if they weren't apssionate about me.

Rachel - Once you have kids, theoretically anyway, the rules should change. I don't think this applies to those with impresisonable youngsters around.

J - Life experinces but it is always applicible.

Angel - Do you watch Sex and the City? I believe Charlotte learned this very lesson with her first husband.

MVTT - JJ is on vacay. I didn't know that about orgasms. Does that mean if I'm with a girl and she's not having them right away the relationship is doomed?

Anon1 - People have a lot of things drileld into their head young that they only unlearn later on. fortunately, I learned this fact on my first time out.

Anon2 - What reliegion would that be?

Anon3 - Wow. You totally missed the point. Yes, this does not work for everyone. No, men cannot differentiate liking you form wanting to fuck you until they have. because like Angel said, sex is a realyl big part of the equasion and if that doesn't work then a lot of other things are then deemd irrelevant. I respect women a lot. this is why I do not consdier girls I sleep with right away "trash" or "whores." Wuite the contrary. I am telling men NOT to discard a woman becasue she sleeps with you right away, and telling women the should still respect themselves if they do not make a man wait.

At 11:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD -- yes, pretty much. I guess you hear "success stories" here and there, but everyone I know that has had mediocre sex in the beginning is now either at roommate status or cheating (if they married). And for the guy/girl who wants it 2X a day, the partner will have to be highly motivated (read: guaranteed pleasure from orgasms) in the long term relationship just to keep him or her from cheating.

Of course, I am wondering now what a guy is to think if the girl is faking it in the beginning?

A girl is much more likely to be crazy for you if she orgasms right away. It all has to do with brain chemicals.

Just another OC PSA,

At 2:30 AM, Blogger MTC said...

I see where your comming from

- Free Online College Personalsm

At 2:39 AM, Blogger dianne_lone said...

On dating, the best recommended way will be cyber dating.. I have known several men from webdate*com.. I've never been happy with their company.=) Plus, you need not to seclude yourself from a certain group.. You can have interracial relationships and learn much from them.=)


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home