A few months ago, Jessica Cutler
linked a post I did on New York Bloggers. At the time I had no idea who she was but upon doing some research and asking some friends, I discovered that a few years ago Miss Cutler became famous for writing a blog about fucking various high-powered Washington officials, sometimes for money (the fucking, not the blogging). And all of it was written from the offices of Senator Mike DeWine, who I don’t believe she was banging, but I may be wrong. This catapulted her to well over 15 minutes of fame and even got her a Playboy spread and a book deal. And so, since it is summer and therefore either too hot to do anything or raining in Miami
, I decided to check her book
out from the Coral Reef branch library. Because there is no way I was spending money
on that shit.
This is not a book review, so I am not going to go into much detail about the drug use, the threesomes with a drug dealer, the ample anal sex (and, by the way, I must thank Jessica for dispelling the myth that “big” guys hurt more during anal. Last time I let someone use that excuse), the endless parade of one-night stands and the borderline prostitution. You can all go check the book out if you want to read about that. While I find the heroine of her book to be a thoroughly disgusting individual who represents everything I hate about women, my real problem with the book was in Chapter 25. This section chronicles “Jacqueline’s” trip to Miami with some old man. Now, Jessica often describes Miami as her favorite city and while I am flattered that she considers Dade such a lovely place, she, like so many people, have the absolute 100% wrong idea about what this town is about. In my never ending quest to show the world that Miami is the most misrepresented city in America, I will now take some passages from her book and dispel the myths that she is trying to purvey.
“Why don’t we all just pack up everything and move is down to Miami? The government, the stock exchange, everything.” - Thanks a lot, Jessica. Have you been on the Palmetto Expressway recently? The last goddamned thing we need is a bunch of brokers a beureaucrats moving down here. And WHY don’t we move the government and stock exchange to Miami? Hmmm, have you seen the way our local government operates? It’s like fucking El Salvador. Come to think of it, are there ANY stable governments that operate in a city with an average temperature over 60 degrees? Think about it. If we tried to run the country form Miami A) We would be tying our currency to the Euro within a month, have frequent military coups form the President’s Brother-in-law and our chief export would somehow magically become bananas and B) Nobody would ever do shit because they’d be at the beach and at bars all night. I think that’s why DC closes at 2.
"We’re all just going to move there when we retire anyway" – Listen close, America: THERE ARE NO OLD PEOPLE IN MIAMI ANYMORE. None. Granted, we have some old Cubans at Domino Park and the last vestige of the Old Jews in Aventura, but Miami is a young, Hispanic city. Old and Jewish is Boca Raton. Get it straight.
"Everyone went topless in Miami, so you’d just have to take it off or look like an uptight bitch with body issues" – Oh, I fucking wish. I was out on the beach yesterday for three hours and saw exactly two sets of titties. That’s it. I think the douchebag guys who stare and take pictures like they’ve never seen a naked girl before ruin it for everybody. So, no Jessica you took it off to be an attention whore, admit it. The percentage of topless girls here is closer to 10%. Still, that’s 10% more than I got in Newport.
“We were going to China Grill on a Saturday night so I had to “do it up” or else we wouldn’t get a table (and, no, by “do it up” she is not implying blowing the maitre’d. Although I’m sure it has been done). The competition was fierce. Models movie stars, athletes….every woman had breast implants and these perfect bodies to go with them.” - I went to China Grill on a Saturday with my poor crippled mother about four years ago. We walked in with her looking every day of her 56 years and me looking, well, like me. And boy did we have to wait. All of 45 fucking minutes. And the rest of the crowd looked more like your typical rich South American douchebags and American Weekend All-Stars in rented Ferrari’s with rented women. No movie stars, no athletes, and not too many breast implants. I know this because if there had been my mom would have pointed it out and said something to the effect of “That is so disgusting. Why do women so that to themselves?”
"There were fucking models everywhere! They were jogging on the beach, playing volleyball and swimming in the ocean." – Models? In Miami? Yeah, maybe models for El Camino Low-Rider magazine, that’s about it. Go wander around Dolphin Mall on a Saturday and tell me how many models you see. And cardboard cutouts don’t count. Sounds like Miss Cutler has been watching a little too much “8th and Ocean.” If by “everywhere” she means “in their apartments popping pills and doing cocaine, leaving only to do more drugs in a club or on a photo shoot” then yes. Otherwise, they are more or less invisible.
So, I apologize, Miss Cutler, but your representation of Miami is highly flawed. I’m sure you do enjoy coming down here to live in some sort of fantasyland for a few days, but your image of our city is about as accurate as the one painted in rap videos. If you ever had bothered to venture West of I-95, you might find that the most scenic drive in Miami actually bears your name: Old Cutler Road (I’m sure you thought it was A1A or something, but Old Cutler makes that look like an industrial highway). Or maybe even encountered a charming little town we like to call Cutler Ridge. I’m sure you will find THAT place choc full of models, implants and topless beaches. Or pickup trucks, one of the two.