Monday, August 07, 2006

She May "Know" Washington, But She Don't Know Dade

A few months ago, Jessica Cutler linked a post I did on New York Bloggers. At the time I had no idea who she was but upon doing some research and asking some friends, I discovered that a few years ago Miss Cutler became famous for writing a blog about fucking various high-powered Washington officials, sometimes for money (the fucking, not the blogging). And all of it was written from the offices of Senator Mike DeWine, who I don’t believe she was banging, but I may be wrong. This catapulted her to well over 15 minutes of fame and even got her a Playboy spread and a book deal. And so, since it is summer and therefore either too hot to do anything or raining in Miami, I decided to check her book out from the Coral Reef branch library. Because there is no way I was spending money on that shit.

This is not a book review, so I am not going to go into much detail about the drug use, the threesomes with a drug dealer, the ample anal sex (and, by the way, I must thank Jessica for dispelling the myth that “big” guys hurt more during anal. Last time I let someone use that excuse), the endless parade of one-night stands and the borderline prostitution. You can all go check the book out if you want to read about that. While I find the heroine of her book to be a thoroughly disgusting individual who represents everything I hate about women, my real problem with the book was in Chapter 25. This section chronicles “Jacqueline’s” trip to Miami with some old man. Now, Jessica often describes Miami as her favorite city and while I am flattered that she considers Dade such a lovely place, she, like so many people, have the absolute 100% wrong idea about what this town is about. In my never ending quest to show the world that Miami is the most misrepresented city in America, I will now take some passages from her book and dispel the myths that she is trying to purvey.

“Why don’t we all just pack up everything and move is down to Miami? The government, the stock exchange, everything.” - Thanks a lot, Jessica. Have you been on the Palmetto Expressway recently? The last goddamned thing we need is a bunch of brokers a beureaucrats moving down here. And WHY don’t we move the government and stock exchange to Miami? Hmmm, have you seen the way our local government operates? It’s like fucking El Salvador. Come to think of it, are there ANY stable governments that operate in a city with an average temperature over 60 degrees? Think about it. If we tried to run the country form Miami A) We would be tying our currency to the Euro within a month, have frequent military coups form the President’s Brother-in-law and our chief export would somehow magically become bananas and B) Nobody would ever do shit because they’d be at the beach and at bars all night. I think that’s why DC closes at 2.

"We’re all just going to move there when we retire anyway" – Listen close, America: THERE ARE NO OLD PEOPLE IN MIAMI ANYMORE. None. Granted, we have some old Cubans at Domino Park and the last vestige of the Old Jews in Aventura, but Miami is a young, Hispanic city. Old and Jewish is Boca Raton. Get it straight.

"Everyone went topless in Miami, so you’d just have to take it off or look like an uptight bitch with body issues" – Oh, I fucking wish. I was out on the beach yesterday for three hours and saw exactly two sets of titties. That’s it. I think the douchebag guys who stare and take pictures like they’ve never seen a naked girl before ruin it for everybody. So, no Jessica you took it off to be an attention whore, admit it. The percentage of topless girls here is closer to 10%. Still, that’s 10% more than I got in Newport.

“We were going to China Grill on a Saturday night so I had to “do it up” or else we wouldn’t get a table (and, no, by “do it up” she is not implying blowing the maitre’d. Although I’m sure it has been done). The competition was fierce. Models movie stars, athletes….every woman had breast implants and these perfect bodies to go with them.” - I went to China Grill on a Saturday with my poor crippled mother about four years ago. We walked in with her looking every day of her 56 years and me looking, well, like me. And boy did we have to wait. All of 45 fucking minutes. And the rest of the crowd looked more like your typical rich South American douchebags and American Weekend All-Stars in rented Ferrari’s with rented women. No movie stars, no athletes, and not too many breast implants. I know this because if there had been my mom would have pointed it out and said something to the effect of “That is so disgusting. Why do women so that to themselves?”

"There were fucking models everywhere! They were jogging on the beach, playing volleyball and swimming in the ocean." – Models? In Miami? Yeah, maybe models for El Camino Low-Rider magazine, that’s about it. Go wander around Dolphin Mall on a Saturday and tell me how many models you see. And cardboard cutouts don’t count. Sounds like Miss Cutler has been watching a little too much “8th and Ocean.” If by “everywhere” she means “in their apartments popping pills and doing cocaine, leaving only to do more drugs in a club or on a photo shoot” then yes. Otherwise, they are more or less invisible.

So, I apologize, Miss Cutler, but your representation of Miami is highly flawed. I’m sure you do enjoy coming down here to live in some sort of fantasyland for a few days, but your image of our city is about as accurate as the one painted in rap videos. If you ever had bothered to venture West of I-95, you might find that the most scenic drive in Miami actually bears your name: Old Cutler Road (I’m sure you thought it was A1A or something, but Old Cutler makes that look like an industrial highway). Or maybe even encountered a charming little town we like to call Cutler Ridge. I’m sure you will find THAT place choc full of models, implants and topless beaches. Or pickup trucks, one of the two.


At 3:30 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

tell us how you really feel! I'd have to say I agree with you. the limited amount of time I spent in Miami really changed my mind about the city. I think JC's been watching too much Nip/Tuck

At 4:17 PM, Anonymous The Brewer Patriot said...

no way! Nip/Tuck is totally accurate! As is CSI: Miami. The police station downtown really is full of stained glass and all kinds of colors and fancy gadgets and is situated right on the water. Everything is very colorful and pretty and gorgeous people who are fluent in English are everywhere!

At 4:19 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

she phoned in her chapter about Miami based on a weekend visit and shows on the tube. predictable. but did she get anything right about DC? ashburnite and all the other DC bloggers... is Cutler's book more fiction than honest DC scene?

At 4:43 PM, Anonymous B-Brod said...

I don't know why you are trying to scare everyone away. I just saw Miami Vice, which I know to be an accurate portrayal. Dade looked great! I'm moving down with all my model friends as soon as I turn 65.

At 5:01 PM, Blogger B-Brod said...

or maybe when i'm 64.

At 5:13 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

I'm friendly with Ms. Cutler, and in her defense, when she writes about Miami being full of models, that must be taken in context of her having grown up in Syracuse, NY and then living in Washington, DC. I'm sure that compared to both of those places, there's a lot more women who look like models, even if they aren't.

At 6:14 PM, Blogger jenjen said...

Miami is not like CSI? or nip/tuck?
So much for a playboy tour down to SoBe. Why the hell was I not as resourceful as these bitches is the real question?

At 8:02 PM, Blogger concha said...

yeah, yeah. she's wrong. you're right. i agree.

but i still miss it...

At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

How come when there are articles written about Miami or Miami-themed t.v. shows, there's never one mention of the Miami institution we like to call Matty Silk's Wild Horses (or whatever it's called this week)? Now the girls who work in that place and the clientele are a good representation of Miami.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger Cassandro said...

Dude, right on. But Jessica wasn't borderline prostituting herself; accepting money for sex makes you a prostitute.

And the guys who paid must be kicking themselves, since she seemed to give it away so freely to everyone else.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger Cassandro said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:08 AM, Anonymous Cliff said...

Well Miss Cutler just made reference on an August 7th picture to "Snakes on a Chain." And knowing you, you gotta be giving her some points for that...

At 1:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post.

But one problem: Of COURSE a bigger c*ck is going to cause more pain during anal. I mean, really. If you had to take it up your ass, wouldn't you think so? Sometimes you guys just aren't thinking.

You think girls can do anything, just because we're girls, and you aren't patient. Our vaginas were made for dicks and babies; our asses were not. Have a little patience.

If you aren't sure, first put a Qtip in your ass, then a cucumber. If none of that bothers you, I stand corrected.

A girl who can take it that way is a girl like the author of that book: Has had a lot of it. So decide what you want.

At 3:31 AM, Anonymous Jessica said...

You say prostitute like it's a bad thing.

At 4:12 AM, Blogger T. said...

Geez, reading her bio makes me wonder when exactly shame died. I swear it doesn't exist anymore. I surely hate being raised in an environment of stifling Catholic guilt, but compared to the current exhibitionist movement in America where no one seems willing to be ashamed of anything anymore, I realize maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding Jessica Cutler, I saw her in Playboy and I've seen her in person, she ain't that hot, in fact she is not at all hot. Even if she did not have that utterly loathsome personality she'd be unimpressive. As for the rumored rampant toplessness, since '98 or so all the exhibitionists flock to Haulover Beach

At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

So thats how I get an internship in DC.

I'll stick to what I got for now.

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

Jessica works what she's got and has a sense of humor.

I hate the Jessica haters.

At 3:04 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ash - Nip/tcuk, 8th and Ocean. Same difference

BP - And you live on Brickel. If you can be that bitter living in a place that the Chamber of Commerce promotes, imagine what life must be like in Kendall.

Mini - I don't know. She only makes one meniton of all the black people in DC in the book, so I'm gonna guess no.

B-Brod - What the fuck is that picutre?

Allison - Perhaps it is a sliding scale. But models? I don't know.

JenJen - Yeah, you missed your chance. Maybe your sister can give it a shot.

Concha - Like the hot girl who treats you like shit, right?

Johnson - I don't know, but the day I see a stripper at Maddy Silk's dead on CSI, and she actually looks like she worked there, I will lose my shit. That, and that place is not in Miami.

Cassandro - I nal lfairness, she was fuckign the young guys for free. Just the old ones had to pay. Fair enough.

Cliff - Snakes on a motherfucking chain! South Dade 8 here we come!!!

Anon - hey, I'm just saying that Jessica said it was counterintuitive that big guys hurt less. Less banging around or soemthing. I'm not sure. Read the book.

Jessica - BORDERLINE Prostitute. BORDERLINE. If you're going to do something, do it all out. That's what I always say.

T - It is always a fine line, isn't it. I'll take ramapnt attention whores over sexual repression, though. more sex all around.

Anon - The old Cuban nudists go there. There are still topless girls in South Beach. And usually they are better looking.

Joe - Yes, Joe. So when you start blogging about banging Condi Rice and Christie Whitman we'll all know where you got the idea.

David - I am not a hater. well, at least not of Miss Cutler. I just think she is highly misguided in her impression of Miami.

At 4:07 PM, Blogger B-Brod said...

It’s a new born baby. This chick says it’s mine, but I just don’t see the resemblance

At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Yvette said...

WD, no-one who says, "I love Miami!" has ever actually been here. Almost without exception, they're talking about South Beach. (Not even Miami Beach, just South Beach.)

It's hard to explain that "beautiful people" are not sunbathing topless on fine white sand in Kendall, Perrine, Hialeah, The Roads, Cutler Ridge, Westchester, or South Miamah...


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