Thursday, September 28, 2006

4 Men and A very stupid Redhead

Hi, I am Alice, a feisty redhead. I live in Park Slope; this is the most incestuous neighborhood in all of New York (that I know of). Everyone knows everyone. We all hang out at the same bar; I have known the people in my hood for years. You DON’T hook up with people in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, if you hang out in the neighborhood enough, like me, you are probably going to break this rule a lot over 3 years.

It happened one night at the local bar, I walked in on an innocent Tuesday to 4 faces that I definitely didn’t want to see in the same room together. My first thought was to immediately duck behind the trivia machine, as I am waiting for my beer, I start pondering my options. Leave. Move to the other side of the bar. Pretend I don’t see them. Or suck it up and say hi. I opted for moving to the other side of the bar and pretended I didn’t see them. Heather, being the bitch she is – starts cracking up and sending me texts at the bar.

Having expressed my previous frustrations about dating a chronic liar 18 year old, anything other than him was better. Being a lady of leisure, i.e. unemployed sap, I have plenty of time to get myself into trouble. And guys seem to be attracted to a girl who has nothing better to do but frolic and be happy. Here are the players:

Catholic Guilt guy: I went out with this guy in January, we made out a couple of times on my stoop. But his terrible breakup and my dating a guy I actually liked kept things from going any further. I kind of just forgot about him, having known him for years, he was never that memorable to begin with. Not to mention, he never wanted to be seen in public with me, which was kind of weird.

The Makeout Bandit: A previously engaged HOT musician, this guy is known all over the slope as the makeout bandit. It eventually led to the breakup of his impending marriage, because he finally realized that making out with random females did not make a serious commitment. Everyone has made out with him including two of my girlfriends. So after a night of heavy drinking a couple of weeks ago, I decided to see what all the fuss was about. He is a TERRIBLE kisser; having someone grind his mouth into yours is NOT hot. Moving on.

Catholic Guilt guy and the Makeout Bandit are friends. A fact that I completely forgot when I decided to make out with him. Thank god, he’s not the kiss and tell type.

June Guy: I met this guy in June, I was so annoyed that I had to play wing woman and talk to this guy that I fabricated a whole life for myself in our conversation. I told him I worked in Finance and long hours. Apparently my hatred of him didn’t stop me from making out with him in my drunken state and waking up really pissed at myself. A story I later forgot when I saw him again three weeks ago. I ended up making out with him again, much to my chagrin. And gave him my real number as opposed to the fake number I gave him in June. Damnit, woke up hating myself again.

Barfly Guy: Last Monday, after Monday night football beer and wings, we stopped at the corner bar. This guy was sitting there and he gave me a weird smile as he started talking to me. I was like Jesus, why is he leering at me. I don’t remember any of our conversation, because I wasn’t paying attention to him when he talked. I had to ask him 4 times what his name was and I was annoyed he was talking to me in the first place. Being 1 am on a Monday night, I decided to stick around for another beer as this guy chattered in my ear. He then walked me home where out of nowhere he kissed me and asked me to go home with him. I was like no, are you kidding me? I had just met this guy 20 minutes before. At this point, he actually yelled at me for not wanting to go home and have almost anonymous sex. If Matthew had answered my 2 am phone call that night, he would have heard the whole story as he was the first person I called. I have never had a random stranger yell at me. He later called me the next day to ask me on a date, I never called him back.

June guy and Barfly guy are friends, which accounts for the leering stare he gave me.

When I walked into the bar that night, all four were there and talking to each other. I didn’t know what the fuck to do, so I pretended to listen to the Jeff Buckley whining open mic’ers as I mentally raced for a solution. June guy and Barfly guy spotted me and started whispering to each other and smiling. Damnit, they figured it out. I wasn’t really worried about Catholic Guilt guy and the Makeout Bandit, I had been friends with these guys for years, plus they are older and not likely to discuss their park slope makeouts. And they are both shady bastards.

I actually got kind of pissed off, because I was wondering if June guy and Barfly guy were in on some conspiracy. About 10 minutes later they both came up to me and started joshing me. Well, at least they have a sense of humor. And what ended up as an almost walk of shame turned into probably one of the funniest nights of my life. I hung out with June guy and Barfly guy as they both vied for my attention, it was kind of flattering. And received a creepy text message from Catholic Guilt guy that said, “Let’s have a night tonight to make up for all those nights we never had.” To which I replied, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

The moral of the story: don’t shit where you eat because it will come back to bite you in the ass.

I have actually been hanging out with June guy and think he’s pretty fucking hilarious. I have not made out with him again, I don’t want him to think I am easy. And I am currently figuring out how to break up with the 18 year old who called me this morning and left me a “mopey” message.

Oh, and I would like to thank heather for her oh-so-helpful text messages, “ha ha” and snickering at the bar. Bitch.


At 3:39 PM, Blogger minijonb said...

Thank you Alice!!! You've saved us from anon flame war hell.

So, where the hell does a Park Slope girl need to pick up guys that don't live around the block... Jersey City? Hoboken? Albany?

Have fun with your 4 men. Twirl them around your finger like Amanda Peet and her 3 'boyfriends' in the movie "Whipped"

At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Ali said...

Daddy Rum and Popcorn has no advice for you, Alice, sorry.

Well, okay: Don't get pregnant, and don't bring home any white girls!

At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alice the Goon,

Awful. Dreadful. Boring.

Two words:



At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Alice said...

Thanks, Anon. Being a lady of leisure doesn't allow much interesting to happen.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger B-Brod said...

I got a different moral from this story. It goes something like this… Don’t be a slut.

I never thought I’d say this, but this post makes me miss the rants on racism.

At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Alice said...

Making out with guys does not a slut make. White dade actually has told me I need to be more adventurous, this was me coming off a 6 month dry spell. At least I don't have random one night stands. And two of the guys were friends of mine for at least three years.

At 7:49 AM, Anonymous florida hater said...

Fuck all those haters Alice. You do you.

But I'm with you on that whole "don't shit where you eat" notion. Could get pretty messy, you're fortunate that you're a girl and guys don't really care that much about girls when it comes to hook ups. We're more about the here and now, not the then and later.

At 1:16 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Sorry I missed that call. you know, I do sometimes do crazy things like go to sleep before 2 AM. But I appreciate the thought.

But you gotta be careful in incestuous little places like that. The Grove is not that different at all.

At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

White Dade,

There you go again. Making fun of The Grove because you can't afford to live there. My parents own a million dollar home in the Grove. Their street has a private off duty policeman who patrols the area at night. But yeah, them and the rest of the millionaires in the Grove live in a shitty area. Fuck you White Dade you fucking racsist, anti-American piece of shit. Respond to my e-mail with hardass so I can come down there and rip that I PLANE NY shirt off you and choke you with it.

At 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Anonymous, shut the fuck up, mm-kay?

You were mildly entertaining, but now you're just sad.

And WD: how about setting the comments pages to registered bloggers only? At least for the time being until Anonymous gets back to his previous hobbies of killing kittens in shitty, shitty Westchester, where, doubtless, he lives with his Mami and Papi and A'buita, and Tia, and all of them sit around eating salchichon, getting greasy and fat waiting for the day they can sail back to Kooba and reclaim all the "riches" they once had.

At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Another one of White Dade's racist buddies.

I am white asshole but nice try. And quoting South Park WOW are you original.


At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nah. You're Cuban. Not white. There's a BIG difference.

Outside of Miami, you'd be considered on-par with the darkest Guatemalan.

And it's people like you that make the Miami whites racist. Chew on that, comemierda.

At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try getting laid instead of acting like a high school girl running around and making out with guys. Your immaturity explains why you date high school boys. Grow up. You'll never attract adults until you become one yourself.

At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you called me Cuban. Last time I checked, I was white. But go ahead and insult be by calling me Spanish or Cuban. Last time I checked, my ancestors came from Hungary.

Shows what a fucking stupid person you are. Just because I defend Cubans, it does not mean I am Spanish.

How old are you asshole. I would say 26 going on 18. You, Dade and Match Johnson still drink Yaeger bombs together while singing Bon Jovi songs.

One word for you:


At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And who are the Miami whites. Are they like the Tampa blacks or the New York yellows? Maybe the Houston reds?

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

Sorry to not take part in the flame war, but I live in Park Slope, have a weakness for redheads, and I've never made out with you, Alice. So you've got that going for you.

At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Caveman- It's only a matter of time then.

At 3:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha i love this! reminds me of my escapades as an 18- 20 year old. always running into someone i made out with this or that party and finding out they were all friends. it's so creepy. cheers for an entertaining post.


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