Thursday, September 21, 2006

Fuck Mass Tranist, Get Rid of School Zones

Traffic in Miami is pretty awful. I don’t think there is one person in this city who would disagree. It has gotten to the point that you pretty much do not ever dare to go North or East between 6:30 and 9:30 AM or South and West between 4:30 and 7:30. If you do, you are destined for endless hours of honking, frustration, anger and saying to yourself, at least a half dozen times “I’ve got to get the fuck outta this place.” This is why I have set my life up so that I never have to sit in traffic. I won’t go into the particulars of how, but suffice to say rush hour on the Palmetto is not a concept I am at all familiar with.

So the end of August rolls around again and I am making my daily trip up Old Cutler Road at 1:30 to the gym, and all of sudden traffic comes to a dead stop. “Funny,” I think, “there must be some sort of accident.” Well, I was right insofar as there was an accident causing this slowdown, but it was not the sort involving automobiles and grinding steel. No, it was the type that involves people and grinding bodies who do not use protection. Some of you call them children. A bunch of little walking accidents apparently don’t know how to look both ways before they cross the street, and therefore the speed limit on half of Old Cutler is slowed to 15 miles an hour for two hours each morning and afternoon.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I hold children in about the same esteem as I hold your typical household cockroach, aka pests that the world would be much better off without. And anyone who knows me also knows that I absolutely, 100% refuse to ever sit in traffic, meaning that I will take a friend to the airport 4 hours early at 5 AM to avoid sitting in Rush Hour. So when my least favorite thing on earth causes me to engage in my least favorite activity on Earth, I tend to get a liiitle bit agitated. And when I ever get a chance to go through a school zone and there is nobody ahead of me, I full-on floor it in the hopes of teaching some little punk a valuable lesson.

First off, how the fuck does it take 2 hours for a bunch of little snot-nosed brats to cross the goddman street? I remember when I was in school we got out at 3 and the place was a ghost town by 3:30. Now, I know kids in Miami are a little slower than in the rest of the country, but you can’t legitimately tell me it takes them two hours to figure out how to get form the door of their classroom to the other side of the street. Maybe they explain that in “Vamos a Cuba,” and that’s why nobody can figure it out. Secondly, why is this slowdown even necessary? The rest of us seem to manage to cross streets safely without harmless motorists being forced to waste half their day waiting for them. Why are kids so special that the rest of us have to stop so they can cross the street? Teach kids about crosswalks and those little guys on the stoplight that tell you when you can and cannot cross the street and we can avoid a lot of unnecessary traffic. It would take exactly one kid getting run over because they were too lazy/stupid to look both ways before traffic education would be a required part of their daily curriculum. Pro-education, anti-traffic. Damn, if only I were Hispanic I could run for local office.

But were this mandatory delaying of my day not enough, parents, as they do with everything else, seem to think their child is more important than the needs of the rest of the population. So they sit in the middle of the road waiting for their kid to get out of class. The driveway at Gulliver or Pinecrest Elementary or Lourdes Academy always seems to be backed up, and none of these inconsiderate people who were too stupid to use birth control seem to think it might be courteous to keep driving or get the fuck out of the way so the rest of us could get though. No, their little darling prince/princess needs to have curbside service form Mommy in her Mercedes SUV, and all of South Dade can just wait until he gets out of class. Memo to all parents everywhere: Your kid is about as important to everybody else as the current weather in Mongolia. So stop expecting us to wait while your kid gets out of school. Circle around, or, better yet, have your kid call when they are outside and you can come pick them up. It’s not like the little fat ass has anything better to do. He’s just in a rush to get home so he can sit on MySpace and play EverQuest.

Miami has enough traffic problems without us having to take four more hours out of the day to slow down. Teach your kids how to properly cross the street or pay the goddamned consequences. It’s not like there’s a shortage of children anyway. Because some of us have places to go, and the people waiting for us will not accept “your kid being late coming out of school” as a valid excuse. So show some goddam consideration and let the rest of us go by. Or, better yet, get rid of the school zones altogether and let them learn life’s lessons the hard way. Because none of them seem to be learning them right now.


At 2:24 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

We didn't have school zones when I was in elementary school. The only streets that had the crossing guards were the main road that were one way and at the lights. We could only go when the light was red but they put the guard there to hold out the big stop signs. I was a crossing guard and we were out there for 20 minutes tops.
Two hours is WAY too excessive. I could take a nap in the middle of the road for that.

At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Mikey said...

How about the fact that the school zones around high schools arein force 30 minutes BEFORE class lets out. For some reason they changed this, it used to start at 2:15. It makes zero sense

At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...

I think there should be a car that uses children for fuel. Kids are a renewable resource.

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

You know what else pisses me off? All of the fucking bus stops. In Ashburn, there are literally 20 bus stops along a 2 mile stretch of road. Is that really fucking necessary? No wonder kids are so damn fat- busses are picking them up at their doors. I think a good 1-mile walk to the bus stop in the morning would be good for them.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

when the condom breaks with some stripper your with, and you sire an illegitimate child, you may change your opinion on the merits of schoolzone crossings

At 4:55 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

I said it before, I'll say it again--another great reason to live in NYC...

At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stupid post. What's next, asking that pedophiles be allowed to work in schools. The zones are there to protect the children. Leave early if you hate traffic; but I forgot that you don't subscribe to the business world so you shouldn't have to worry abouy being in work until 1:00. You obviously don't have kids or know any you care about.

You were a kid once; too bad mommy didn't have an abortion.

And Playtah, maybe they should use the oil off your face as a source of fuel.

At 7:19 PM, Anonymous The Diabolical said...

Another classic, and all too true, post from WD.

It's very clear this world is becoming split between those of you stupid enough to pro-create, and the rest of us w/ disposable income.

How in the fuck are we supposed to do 15 anyway? You can't idle at that speed, any gas at all gets you to 20. It's another cot-damn scam by "The Man" to seperate me from some of that money I spend on me, rather than some eating, crying and shitting machine.

I'm going to go fire bomb my local Elementary school...

At 9:10 PM, Blogger aikin said...

One of the stupidist things I've seen regarding school zones is when I lived in Houston. There is a school that sits a half-block back from a road that has a 55 mph speed limit. There are no crosswalks on this road, but there are school zone signs that light up twice a day, slowng traffic to 25 mph.

At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Feuer the Destroyer said...

In partial defense of school zones, you know quite well how skilled Miami drivers are. Unless we want children splattered all over Old Cutler, it's only fair we handicap the cell phone blabbering H2 drivers and give the wee ones a fighitng chance.

HOWEVER, I am pissed about the 30 minutes early thing. If kids are ditching class and leaving school 30 minutes early, it is only fair they should have to contend with a more challenging street crossing experience. Memories of Frogger come to mind.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Denyse said...

Truly an offensive post. I'm offended that I had to see that shirtless fat kid before finishing my first cup of coffee. ugh.

When *I* was kid...

At 1:57 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Rachel - I often liketo nap in mycar as iwait for those brats to cross

Mikey - Well, you don't expect the kids wo ditch their last class to have to deal with traffic, do you?

Playtah - Soilent Green Fuel, anyone?

Ash - Have you ever taken a New york City abus? It's the same thing.

Anon - If I have an illegitiame shile with a stripper, it getting hit by a car would probably be the best thing that could happen to me.

Allison - Yeah, becasus,er oyu know, traffic in NY moves sooooo freely. See my coment to Ashburnite.

Anon2 - Yes, I was a kid one. And I hated myself.

Diabolical - As I've stated many time, where agiain is the upside to having kids? someone has yet to fill me in on this..

Aikin - That is a level o stupididty far from exclusicve to Houston.

Aaron - And the downside to kids being splattered all over Old Cutler is what exactly?

Denyse - I'm offended kids that fat even exist.

At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...


Not trying to start anything, just curious....are you the Anonymous that WD interviewed in his "Interview with Anonymous" post?

At 11:22 AM, Blogger SuperBee said...

I'm not reading the rest of the comments quite yet. Suffice it to say, White Dade, I love you.

Have my babies.

Fucking traffic, fucking kids, and fucking yellow flashing lights. And fucking South Miami and West Miami police itchin' to get you going 18 miles an hour...

At 2:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW! Leave 10 minutes earlier and you lazy fucking slackers won't have this problem.

This advice is not geared towards you White Dade since you don't have a real job.

At 3:18 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

WOW, Anonymous. GREAT CALL.

But here's another idea: how about you have a little consideration for the rest of the population, stop idling in a driving lane, cutting down lanes of traffic, and do things like we do them in the rest of America.

Rules were meant to be followed, not broken. Maybe if you and the rest of your Cayenne-driving friends would stop smothering your spawn with kisses and kick them out of the car in the school's circle, and fucking DRIVE, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Or, maybe, YOU could leave ten minutes earlier, beat the rush, leave your kid, and stop causing backups. Lastly, you could circle the block until the drop-off circles have cleared, inconveniencing you, and only you, instead of twenty other people, also ensuring you're not BREAKING THE LAW by idling in a traffic lane. Living in a civilized society, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good.

It's a concept lots of Miami seems to have a really hard time with... following the rules.

As an illustration how Miami doesn't work like the rest of the country, it's really hilarious to hear the agents in National Airport lecture passengers on a Miami-Bound flight, "If you're not in Group One, you WILL NOT be allowed to board until your group is called, so SIT DOWN and let Group ONE Board."

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Superbee. You are a moron. I don't have kids and have never dropped off a child at school. Nowhere in your incoherent ramblings did you make sense. I am now a less intelligent person for reading your post. May a kid kick you in the knee and may you get run over by a school bus.


At 8:27 AM, Blogger SuperBee said...


I guess my point was a little too complex for you to understand. That's probably why you didn't get it. But I'm not to blame for you feeling "less intelligent."

You're frustrated. I emphathize.

It's hard for new arrivals in a big new country to figure out what's going on. So much electricity. Fast moving cars, instead of donkey carts. Impatient people speaking a fast new language. Currency in the form of coins, instead of shells, or handfulls of straw. Water from a tap, instead of from buckets dipped in the open sewer that runs through the center of town.

My great-great-great-great Grandparents probably had a really hard time adapting their Queen's English to American English. Their struggle was akin to yours. Only they weren't retarded.

Obviously, you have a problem understanding English, or coherent points. Doubtless you're a product of the mud-brick school you attended for two months, before you were put into service selling gum, cigarettes and pencils to EcoTourists. I will use small words to make my point to you.

Billy Madison is an old movie. You did good by remembering lines from the movie. Maybe soon, you will be able to sling insults that are not ten years old, from more recent movies.

And when that happens, you will able to comfortably lean back in your plastic patio chair, the one piece of furniture in your dingy studio apartment, besides your stained mattress on the floor, and say, "Next!" with confidence.

But not until you update your repotoire.



At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I would watch your mouth. You know nothing about me or my background. In fact, I know some very important people in Miami if you would like to compare money and power. Let's put it this way tough guy keep flapping those herpe infested lips and we will see how far your law career goes. Also, learn how to properly use a comma.

Now, indulge us all and reveal where you went to law school. I need a good laugh.

At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Superbee,

Your blog sucks. You are real original also writing "Dear" letters all day. You need to get laid or better yet, kill yourself. I suggest hanging yourself so you don't become a nuisance for the general public. I will even send you the rope. Make sure to take a pic of yourself also so I can frame it. I really hope you are in a car accident today.



At 10:07 PM, Blogger Insensible said...

Dear Anonymous,

You are trully a sad individual. Online threats? My friends are bigger then your friends?

What's next? You're going to pwn us all in Warcraft with your r33t pvp server character?

And all this from behind the Anonymous tag too!


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