Thursday, September 14, 2006

Greg Behrendt Undermining Men Again

Greg Behrendt may have earned his way into the Cockblocker's Hall of Fame when he penned his stupid-girl classic "He's Just Not That Into You," essentially giving away all of the tricks we men use to string women along for sex. Thanks a lot, Greg. But now Mr. Behrendt is aproaching Michael-Jordan of cockblock status, as his new talk show debuted this week on CW South Florida (formerly WB39) I don’t know if it is more embarrassing to admit that the only reason I caught his show was that I was too lazy to get off the couch after the 12 o’clock Maury Povich Patenrity-Test-palooza, or to just lie and say I was actually interested in watching it. Either way, it was a solid hour of my life I will never get back. It’s not that Greg Behrendt is not an entertaining guy, to the contrary he is very quick witted and was probably a damn funny stand-up before he went into rehab and left his testicles there along with his cocaine habit. But his new show affirms him as Benedict Arnold in the Battle of The Sexes, actually encouraging a lot of women's horribly misguided behavior. He is, in fact, the guy that tells girls that they are right, thus negating any argument we could make. “Well, Greg Behrendt says…..”

Today’s show featured guys getting what Greg liked to refer to as “Man-Overs.” This is where women brought in their horribly design-and-fashion impaired guys to pretty much strip them of their identity and be re-formed in that woman’s image. Now, the unoriginality of this subject I’m not even going to touch, since my man Maury has been doing makeover shows since Greg was blowing lines of the waitress’ tits at Caroline’s. What got me was Greg’s constant encouragement of these women trying to change the men they were with. He kept saying “We are raising these men up to the level of excellence that their women are already at.” Let me tell you something, any bitch that’s going to drag me on national television and tell the world how bad I dress is a lot of things, but excellent is definitely not one of them.

One of the guys was a computer engineer who looked about my dad’s age. His wife was a good 10 years younger than him (wonder how THEY got together) and wanted him to stop dressing so “dorky.” Honey, you married a COMPUTER NERD. Were you expecting him to all of a sudden wake up one day and go “Hey, honey, let’s go spend some of that dot-com money on Prada Loafers?” No, you stupid bitch, you wanted Bill Gates you fucking got him. Deal with it. Another woman had a Husband who looked like this hard-assed middle-aged biker who would just as soon rip your throat out as talk to you. But I guess his “old lady” got the best of him, as he managed to force out a “yeah, I’ve had this look for twenty years and I’m ready for a change.” So Biker Butch goes backstage, and comes back out having cut off all his hair and looking more like a High School chemistry teacher than a guy who would squish your head under his Harley. Again, “old lady,” you wanted the rough, tough manly-man biker dude, and that’s what you got. Don’t take Mr. Tough Guy and convince him he needs to start wearing black slacks and a dress shirt. It ain’t him.

I can’t wait until I get “The White Dade Show.” I’m gonna have a similar episode except it’s going to feature guys who get involved with women who are the sexual equivalent of watching C-Span. I’d call it “Give My Girlfriend a Sex-Over.” To raise her to her man's level of Sexual Excellence. We’d even have little before and after videos like they do on Greg Behrendt’s show. “We see here Eileen just laying back and letting Bruce do all the work. Wow, Bruce, no oral, huh? That’s terrible.” Then my male audience will shriek in horror like Behrendt's does at poorly dressed men. Then we’ll bring the girl out and critique her sexual performance on national television before sending her backstage with a female porn star to show her how to be “dirtier.” We’ll finish with a little “after” video too. “Oh, look at that, Bruce. She’s licking your asshole. Wow, isn’t that great everybody?” And the crowd will give her a standing ovation. That wouldn’t bother anyone, would it?

The point is that if you are in a relationship, you have to accept that nobody is perfect. So if you are a girl and you are with a guy you love but you wish he would do his shopping at Bal Harbour instead of Sears, too bad. You get what you got at the beginning. Similar if you are a guy, most women are probably not going to be comfortable if you try and turn a librarian into a porn star. Women, for centuries, have thought that they could change men. And the sooner they get it through their heads that they never will, the less problems we will have. Shows like Greg Behrendt’s just serve to convince women that they can change who we are, instead of just accepting us for ourselves. Bad clothes and all

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At 4:31 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Please make that show a reality. You had me holding back laughter at work.

At 4:46 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

I always feel bad for the person that is dragged to a make-over show by a "friend" or a "loved one." If that friend or loved one really cared about the person, they wouldn't want to publicly humiliate them by showing how shitty their taste is.

Oh, and men only hate Greg Behrent because women are no longer putting up with games. We can now spot the bullshit. I'm glad I read that book.

At 5:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You let me dress you up in my clothes once AND dye your hair. And I didn't even sleep with you.
But at least I don't restrict my makeover compulsions to men. I have dragged many a female friend to the store for some "help." So is that as bad? I'm gender neutral in my desire to beautify.

At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well WD I have seen daytime talk shows where they bring the women out in their boring jammies and make them change into sexy lingerie.

So on that guy's show did they give the guys sex lessons too?

At 8:14 PM, Anonymous nicole said...

Not even the point of your post but I have to say that I don't recall you using the word "bitch" very often. Think I just haven't been reading your blog enough.

As for this Greg guy, he might be killing your game a bit but I and several friends URGENTLY needed his advice several years ago because we were running in the wrong direction with the wrong dudes. So I really can't fault him completely...though that makeover idea is pretty tired.

At 8:47 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

I haven't read this book nor have I really paid attention to anything that he has to say.
Most of it is common sense. A guy doesn't call? Says he just wants to be friends?
Every woman should be able to tell the difference between a man who is genuinely interested or one that is just passing time. It becomes apparent pretty quickly.
Greg isn't ruining men's game. They have played the same one for son long that most women know the rules and the score.

At 9:03 PM, Anonymous T. said...

First of all, that guy Greg Berhn-whatthefuckever has the worst look I've seen in a long time, it just screams mid-life crisis with the badly highlighted tips, the spikey hairstyle, wearing his "at the club" clothes 24/7...THAT guy has the audacity to critique other guys' looks?!

Also, you make a good point. Changing people is a bitch of a task. There's always been a phrase "You can't make a hoe into a housewife." I've learned it's even harder to make a housewife into a hoe.

At 12:04 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Thanks for the heads up. Won't be watching that cock blocker.

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Dayngr said...

Greg serves up some much needed advice to the desperately cluess in his 1st book... much to your dismay apparently. You're so right though.. *some* women hook up thinking they are going to change a man - it never happens. But don't forget, *some* men hook up thinking their woman is never going to change and well, they always do...

At 1:07 AM, Blogger brooklyntista said...

"women marry men and hope they change, and they don't. men marry women and hope they don't change, and they do."

i read that somewhere...

be that as it is, i shop for my boy and dress him well, as w/o my suggestions he'd be rocking (faded, dingy) mock turtle-neck t's, teva's w/ socks and pleated dockers.
(he's from michigan, after all.)

and gawdess damn this post was great! i had to disguise my guffaw's as tuberculosis hack.

At 7:24 AM, Blogger imaginaryconversations said...

What rachel said.

He hasn't exactly ruined your game for decent girls - for example, I wouldn't have fallen for it in the first place cause I'm too smart for that (and concincing me to have sex won't work either - I either want you right away, or it's hopeless). He's ruined only for girls so dumb they need a book to explain it to them.

And I'd never drag a man on TV for a makeover. If I don't like the guy's fashion sense, I wouldn't be attracted to him in the first place, or I'd dump him. If I were married (yeah, right) to someone for 20 years and then his style turned to shit, it would be a bit more problematic. But I don't think that was the case with any of those women.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Tara said...

I was just looking at his website the other day, because I remember him from Comedy Central and thought he was pretty funny. It was weird seeing that he now has a talk show. His latest standup show is called "Uncool". Yeah.

At 12:25 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Joe - Oh, if only. If only.

Ash - You are no longer putting up with the games? Really?

Cedar - Okay, first off I was all of 15 then, I didn't really know any better. Second, no you weren't sleeping with me but my mom did once try to kick you out of my house at 5AM, which is about as good as it got for me in High schoool.

Anon - Sure. Absolutely. But I still maintain that owmen need it more than men. men, at leas,t understand when they aren't that god. Women seem to think they're good simply by just laying there. I have gone on this rant at least 4 times on this blog so I'll stop there.

Nicole - You're right, I haven't. I just don't want people to think I'm going soft, ya know? does it offend you? I'll try and cool it.

Rachel - you may be smart enough to notice that, but a lot of women aren't. And thats where we make our money.

T - Ugh. Tell me about it. Two months of missionary and I'm about at my limit.

Angel - If you have time to watch dayitme TV during Med Schol, I have to wonder how good that school is.

Dayngrgrl - Women change? no they dont. Where are you getting THAT from?

Brooklynista - Oh, I get that comment now. Yeah, why is that?

IC - No, it was definitely not the case. At all. Once couple ahd been married for a while, but the guy was a dork at the begining and just didn't change.

Tara - His CD has a parental advisory sticker, so matybe his stand up schtick is a little more testosteorne-fueled than his show/book.

At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...

I always wondered at the cruelty of people who would bring their family or friends on tv for a surprise makeover or paternity test or secret or whatever.

"Honey, I told you we were coming on the show to discuss puppies and gumdrops, but actually, we're here so that I can tell you that I am cheating on you with a hermaphrodite, and we are planning on converting our children to druidic vampirism. Oh, and by the way, by 'our' children, I actually mean 'my' children. You are not the father."


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