Greg Behrendt Undermining Men Again
Greg Behrendt may have earned his way into the Cockblocker's Hall of Fame when he penned his stupid-girl classic "He's Just Not That Into You," essentially giving away all of the tricks we men use to string women along for sex. Thanks a lot, Greg. But now Mr. Behrendt is aproaching Michael-Jordan of cockblock status, as his new talk show debuted this week on CW South Florida (formerly WB39) I don’t know if it is more embarrassing to admit that the only reason I caught his show was that I was too lazy to get off the couch after the 12 o’clock Maury Povich Patenrity-Test-palooza, or to just lie and say I was actually interested in watching it. Either way, it was a solid hour of my life I will never get back. It’s not that Greg Behrendt is not an entertaining guy, to the contrary he is very quick witted and was probably a damn funny stand-up before he went into rehab and left his testicles there along with his cocaine habit. But his new show affirms him as Benedict Arnold in the Battle of The Sexes, actually encouraging a lot of women's horribly misguided behavior. He is, in fact, the guy that tells girls that they are right, thus negating any argument we could make. “Well, Greg Behrendt says…..”
Today’s show featured guys getting what Greg liked to refer to as “Man-Overs.” This is where women brought in their horribly design-and-fashion impaired guys to pretty much strip them of their identity and be re-formed in that woman’s image. Now, the unoriginality of this subject I’m not even going to touch, since my man Maury has been doing makeover shows since Greg was blowing lines of the waitress’ tits at Caroline’s. What got me was Greg’s constant encouragement of these women trying to change the men they were with. He kept saying “We are raising these men up to the level of excellence that their women are already at.” Let me tell you something, any bitch that’s going to drag me on national television and tell the world how bad I dress is a lot of things, but excellent is definitely not one of them.
One of the guys was a computer engineer who looked about my dad’s age. His wife was a good 10 years younger than him (wonder how THEY got together) and wanted him to stop dressing so “dorky.” Honey, you married a COMPUTER NERD. Were you expecting him to all of a sudden wake up one day and go “Hey, honey, let’s go spend some of that dot-com money on Prada Loafers?” No, you stupid bitch, you wanted Bill Gates you fucking got him. Deal with it. Another woman had a Husband who looked like this hard-assed middle-aged biker who would just as soon rip your throat out as talk to you. But I guess his “old lady” got the best of him, as he managed to force out a “yeah, I’ve had this look for twenty years and I’m ready for a change.” So Biker Butch goes backstage, and comes back out having cut off all his hair and looking more like a High School chemistry teacher than a guy who would squish your head under his Harley. Again, “old lady,” you wanted the rough, tough manly-man biker dude, and that’s what you got. Don’t take Mr. Tough Guy and convince him he needs to start wearing black slacks and a dress shirt. It ain’t him.
I can’t wait until I get “The White Dade Show.” I’m gonna have a similar episode except it’s going to feature guys who get involved with women who are the sexual equivalent of watching C-Span. I’d call it “Give My Girlfriend a Sex-Over.” To raise her to her man's level of Sexual Excellence. We’d even have little before and after videos like they do on Greg Behrendt’s show. “We see here Eileen just laying back and letting Bruce do all the work. Wow, Bruce, no oral, huh? That’s terrible.” Then my male audience will shriek in horror like Behrendt's does at poorly dressed men. Then we’ll bring the girl out and critique her sexual performance on national television before sending her backstage with a female porn star to show her how to be “dirtier.” We’ll finish with a little “after” video too. “Oh, look at that, Bruce. She’s licking your asshole. Wow, isn’t that great everybody?” And the crowd will give her a standing ovation. That wouldn’t bother anyone, would it?
The point is that if you are in a relationship, you have to accept that nobody is perfect. So if you are a girl and you are with a guy you love but you wish he would do his shopping at