Friday, September 22, 2006

Quiz: Are You White?

Apparently there has been some recent debate over what exactly is considered "White." Only in Miami is a discussion like this even possible. Because if a blonde haired, blue eyed Argentine walked into a bar in any Red State and started speaking broken English and then lapsed into Spanish, every single person they encountered would say “Hey, you Mexican? Lemme git my dishwasher out here an’ maybe he can translate.” Not to belittle Hispanics, quite the contrary. Unfortunately, the vast majority of this country, however, lumps all Spanish speakers into an ethnic group known as “Mexican." Call it sad, call it ignorant, but it is the truth. In Miami, we use terms like “Anglo” or “American” to describe what the other 49 states and 37 counties call “White.” But because so many in Miami come from countries in Latin America where they were considered the white people (as opposed to the darker skinned Hispanics) they get confused as to what qualifies as White in America. So, for those of you coming from Colombia or Argentina or Cuba who may think you are white, here is a handy little quiz for you to take to see if you qualify for the American definition of what a white person is. It is quite long, but then again, you have all weekend to do it. Bust out your MS Office calculators and get ready to take the White Dade Quiz of Whiteness. Scoring is at the bottom.

How White Are You?

  1. When someone approaches you speaking Spanish, you

A)Respond in Spanish

B) Respond in broken Spanish in an attempt to get them to learn English

C) Tell them “Sorry, no hablo espanol”

D) Ask them how long they’ve lived here and then ask why they have not learned the goddam language yet. In English.

  1. You speak Spanish

A)Fluently

B) When necessary

C) Not much, but enough to find out where the bathrooms are in Tijuana

D) But refuse to just to spite those fucking immigrants

  1. You live _______ your family

A) With everyone up to and including 8th cousins in

B) With most of

C) In the same city as

D) As far away as possible from

  1. You tend to date

A) Women with big asses

B) “Exotic” looking women

C) Anything

D) Blonde haired, blue eyed, skinny English speaking girls ONLY

  1. When you are pulled over, you are

A) Arrested, possibly beaten, maybe killed

B) Removed form the car and searched

C) Given a ticket

D) Warned, referred to as “Sir” and told to “have a nice day.”

  1. Your own more CD's by

A) Daddy Yankee

B) Jay-Z

C) Jimi Hendrix

D) Bob Seger

  1. You dance

A) Very well and at every opportunity

B) Passably, but I don’t need to

C) Only when I’m drunk

D) I would rather amputate one of my feet than dance

  1. When you are at the front of a line you

A) Have extensive small talk with the cashier about his family, his business, his dog, the whether, traffic and anything else you happen to feel like discussing, completely oblivious to the massive line forming behind you

B) Ask copious amounts of questions, take a long time making a decision, and speak a language that is not that of the person taking your order. Regardless of how many people are behind you

C) Move as quickly as possible so as to keep the line moving

D) Berate the cashier for not speaking the goddam language, as well as berating the people in front of you who took so fucking long ordering because they didn’t know what “Chicken Fries” meant in Spanish

9. You are in a club and Reggaeton comes on, you

A) Get up and start shaking your ass

B) Sing along with the words as you sip your drink

C) Sit quietly and hope the music changes soon

D) Launch into a 10 minute tirade about how this is the worst form of music ever created and whoever listens to, performs or promotes it should have their tongues cut out in a slow, painful manner

10.The best part about Miami is

A) I don’t have to learn English

B) I feel very comfortable and at home here

C) The beaches and the nightlife

D) There is nothing good about Miami

11. The Worst part about Miami is

A) Having to learn English

B) It moves too fast

C) The traffic and the Hurricanes

D) All the fucking Spics

12. I live in

A) Hialeah

B) Kendall

C) Pinecrest

D) I don’t know but it sure as Hell ain’t America

13.) I use the word “Bro”

A) Bro, like in every sentence, bro

B) When speaking to a male sibling

C) Never

D) When I am making fun of Cubans and how ridiculous they sound

PART II - A or B

1. When you say “my Country” you mean

  1. Anywhere but the United States
  2. The United Goddam States of America

2. Football is played

  1. By everyone in My Country
  2. On Sundays

3. Women Should

  1. Stay home, cook, clean and take care of me and my children
  2. Have their own jobs and contribute as much to housework as I do

4. Columbia is

  1. A country
  2. A city in South Carolina/Missouri/Maryland and/or a river in Washington State

5. Miami

  1. Is “our” city
  2. Used to be a nice place

Part III True or False

  1. I know what “Malta” is
  2. I watch Telenovelas
  3. I have never used the phrase “Man, I need to get some sun”
  4. I live with two or more generations of relatives
  5. I have pictures of my entire family all over my living room wall
  6. There are more than 5 images of Jesus Christ/the Virgin Mary in my home
  7. My last name ends in Z
  8. I attended one of the following High Schools: Belen, Columbus, Lourdes Academy, HML, or any other school not called “Gulliver” “Ransom” “Palmetto” or “Hillel”
  9. I only eat meat that is well done, charred to a crisp is preferable
  10. Fidel Castro is the most despicable tyrant of the 20th Century (not Stalin, Hitler or Edie Amin. Fidel Castro)

PART IV True or False

  1. The only way to eat a steak is medium-rare or below
  2. I find emaciated women attractive
  3. I have trouble communicating in Miami on a daily basis
  4. My first reaction when getting off a plane in another city is “Damn, there’s a lot of White people here.”
  5. I have no idea what the fuck a “Media Noche” is.
  6. I have never eaten anything con anything
  7. I don’t know the difference between Espresso and Cuban Coffee
  8. I aspire to someday move to Tampa
  9. I have no desire to ever learn Spanish
  10. My parents do not live in Miami

Scoring

Section 1 – A - 0 points

B – 1 point

C- 2 points

D – 4 points

Section 2 – A - 0 points

B – 2 points

Section 3 – True - 0 points

False – 2 points

Section 4 True – 2 points

False - 0 points

Where You Rate

65 - 92 You are DEFINITELY White. You do not have an ounce of soul, spice or flavor in your body and you are damn proud of it. Chances are you grew up somewhere where the white population was around 80%, or the South. You may own several pieces of attire with the Rebel Flag on it, and you are most likely a NASCAR fan. Your parents could have been born in Senegal, but as far as I’m concerned you are a dirty White Boy. Archie Bunker would be proud.

55 - 64 You are PRETTY White. You may be tolerant and somewhat interested in other cultures, but you are still white at the Core. You may date people of other races occasionally, enjoy a mojito once in a while, and may even blast some hip-hop or Salsa music form your car. You may not even look completely white, but in my mind you are. You can appreciate other cultures, but, at the end of the day, you’re still white

30 – 54 Chances are, you are NOT WHITE. You may be light skinned, blonde haired, and blue eyed. But in this country, that just makes you a pale-skinned Mexican. Go ahead and check that “Hispanic” box on your college/job application as anywhere but Miami it ensures you preferential treatment to those of us who scored higher on this quiz. You’re not White. Take advantage of it

10 – 30 You probably didn’t even understand enough English to take this quiz, but in case you found someone to translate it for you, guess what? You’re not white. I’m sure this comes as a great shock to you.

10 or below – Go back to “My Country.”

I hope this cleared things up for you. If anyone was interested, I scored a 70. Which makes me definitely white. But then again, I’m proud of that fact. Have a great weekend and enjoy some Dick con Pan. Of course, that may alter your results.

23 Comments:

At 5:26 PM, Anonymous The Brewer Patriot said...

Excellent post.

I actually took this and added it all up --- 73. That is pretty white.

 
At 5:44 PM, Blogger MiamiGringo said...

I suppose it wouldn't be too surprising if I scored a 74?

Oh... funny thing is, I was born just outside Columbia. :)

 
At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Yvette said...

Oh goodness gracious. I got a 68... but I am only 1/2 white and not at all a man?

But seriously, Cuban coffee and expresso aren't the same thing?

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger aikin said...

jeez, I scored 80. And I'm neither a redneck nor a klansman, and didn't grow up in the south.

BTW, I'm glad I'm not the only one disturbed by the "bro" phenomenon.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

I scored a 46 (i.e., not quite white). Some of the questions were a little tricky to answer, since I don't live in Dade, but I answered to the best of my ability, as honestly as possible.

I think this makes me an honorary Latina or something...

 
At 12:45 AM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

61. I'm so happy to not be totally white.

I should also mention that I fucking hate bullshit personality quizzes and yet still somehow felt compelled to take this one. Perhaps it was Marissa Miller.

 
At 6:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"the vast majority of this country, however, lumps all Spanish speakers into an ethnic group known as Mexican."

That just shows how sometimes you think that everywhere is like the place you're from.

Up here in the Northeast, we assume they're Puerto Rican. I rarely encounter Mexicans. The Mexican restaurants are usually run by Latinos from elsewhere (and we call them Latinos up here, rather than Mexicans. Mexicans are rarely encountered in daily life here.)

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

WD, this quiz is only for men?

 
At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I scored a 32. Didn't take the actual quiz but I estimated my score. I may be over-estimating actually. I'm an equal opportunity racist. I hate everyone equally. Well actually, I hate Jenn Sterger more than everyone.

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

You forgot 'are male and have shoulder length or long hair that you still use Penzoil grease to slick back (or do I watch too many movies).

 
At 2:17 AM, Anonymous QueenVikki said...

Bro, I just found your blog tonight, courtesy of The Assimilated Negro. Where have you been all of my life? I read through your quiz, very amusing, and didn't bother to count up the answers because I know where I'm at: I would probably score as definitely, but I fit better at pretty white. Perhaps most tellingly would be my response to #2. I speak some Spanish, I took classes in college, but I refuse to just to spite the people who refuse to learn my language. And my answer to #1? I used to say "No hablo...," now I say, "I don't speak Spanish." I do say bro a lot though. Sometimes I feel like I should feel bad about not assimilating into the Hispanic culture, but no, I don't really. I read your post on the lack of white girls in Miami, and I have a similarly vexing problem with meeting white men. When I go north - I am from Pennsylvania/Maryland, both - I am like, "Look at all the cute guys." Sigh. But I have been here for (Um, I won't mention how long I have lived here. I would be dating myself)...a long time, and I will stay because I am very far from my family and I like it that way. And, I like the beaches, and the way the palm trees sway, and the water. I live on North Beach, and I am in the severest of the minority population here. It is painful. It's good to know that I am not the only white person complaining in Miami.

 
At 2:53 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

BP - Glad you stayted alte at work to learn that.

MG - Not surprising at all. Which Columbia would that be?

Yvette - the duifference is sugar. See. I'm not totally white either.

Aikin - I say it waaay too much. I guess it doesn't bother me that much.

Allison - Honorary Latina, Brazilian Muse, same difference. Does oyur low score surprise me at all? No.

CC - NO, you're green, remember? HA. Ha.

Anon - Interesting. Yeah, I guess in the NE that owuld be the case. But I know a lot of kids who come down here form other parts of the country and are like "Yeah, there's a lot of Mexicans here."

Manola - No. Just adapt it to fit a woman's perspective. I had to write it from mine.

Johnson - 32? YOu own more confederate shit than I do.

Angel - Solid point. I forgot about that one.

Vikki - Glad to have you on board. Morth Beach. I'm guessinfg not Sunny Isles as the only thing that makes a minority there is NOT being Russian.

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger Dayngr said...

You crack me up! It's not just bro and man there's also meng which I think is supposed to be the same as man.

 
At 7:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

White Dade,

You lack the creativity and average IQ to come up with this quiz yourself. Where did you steal it from? If you don't admit you ripped it off I will post the source.

Scumbag.

ANON1

 
At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bro, aren't you Jewish? That may explain why you didn't score a 100, you filthy kike.

 
At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I printed this quiz out and used it to wipe my ass. Two points, after I finger rolled the crumpled ball of paper into the toilet.

I would have used regular toilet paper but White Dade's handicapped sister wanted some leftover treats.

Fucking whore.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger The Lone Gringa said...

a whitie 74. i should win some Slim Jims and a Conrad Twitty CD.

i choked on my fritos at the "bro" question.

 
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's true though that most Americans assume that all Hispanics are Mexican. When I went to Texas I had two of my close Cuban friends with me. I was so embarrased when my little brother replied to their comment about being of latin origin by saying "Oh, you're Mexican, I thought you were white!"

 
At 4:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Simple test for you folks who might still be confused:

White is anyone whose ancestry is from Northern or Western Europe, generally pale complexion w/ light hair/eyes - reference Iceland or Holland for examples

Non-white: Anybody else including Greeks, Italians, Puerto Ricans, Spaniards/Portuguese, Beans, Negros, Jews, Slavs, Turks, Armenians or any other middle easterner, any other "tweener/other" category... basically, if you look in the mirror and there's any question ... you aren't white.

Hope this helps.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger LU said...

Holy Crapola! Am I surrounded by nothing but goddamned bigots and racists??! WTF? Who f-ing cares? Are we re-entering a period of angry white maleism like in the 90's that was spearheaded by that crass, non-funny, pseudo-political satirist Dennis Miller? I am a Latino male, but I'm also Italian. I couldn't help but laugh and shake my head at the humor and absurdity of this ridiculous quiz! It's unfortunate that even in the 21st century, we seem to be going backwards instead of forward because of white males believing they will lose their "Americanism" ( and, we have to take our country back! mentality )of the immigrant/foreign population! Relax "whitey" you're still the dominant species in this country.

 
At 11:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hell, now i'm confused. i'm irish and i got 37 thanks to living in colOmbia...

 
At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why don't you just admit your a white supremacist, but remember most serial killers have been just as white if not more white than you white dade.

 
At 1:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

from whom are you stilling that internet connection from? or did you go to the public library to write this shit?, because I'm sure Verizon doesn't installed internet in trailers...

 

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