Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Univeristy of Miami: Not Your Typical Big-Time College Football

University of Miami football. Yeah, you know them. The U, the Canes, the guys who brandish weapons to protect their homes over summer vacations and still manage to get arrested after making it to the NFL. One of the finest football programs in America, to be sure. But there are some things about UM football that those who have not gone here or lived in Miami would be surprised to know. If you went to a big state school with big-time football, like say Nebraska or Alabama or somewhere, you’d think because Miami is such a dominant program that it would be here just like it is where you are. Well, not so much. Most of these things stem from the fact that they play for a school full of rich kids from other places in a city that cares more about Venezuelan politics than it does about sports. But I digress. For those of you who never attended the U, or who have not experienced Miami football at its finest, here are some things about America’s most successful program that you would not expect:

1.) Games do not sell out. Unless your ticket reads “Florida State” or “Virginia Tech” chances are you have not only plunked down fifty bucks for a seat for your ass, but you will most likely get one for both your arms and at least one of your legs. And you can generally walk up to the stadium before any game and get a two-for-one deal from the scalpers. Why is this? The student body is about 8000 undergrads, many of whom are from countries where football is played with a little white ball and two nets. The rest are often too hungover to spend an hour on the Metrorail getting to the game, three hours tailgating and four hours watching the game, only to spend another two hours getting home. All of this in 90 degree weather at a stadium that most structural engineers agree should have collapsed about 9 years ago.

2.) Athletes are not Gods. This is my favorite thing about UM football. Sure, I doubt anyone on the team has problems meeting women, but I have been to several parties where people have actually LEFT when they heard football players were coming. Same with clubs. Any club football players are at you know is not going to be cool. Why? Trendy clubs in South Beach generally do not play hip-hop. Girls at UM are typically either rich Hispanic girls who would rather die than hook up with a black guy, or rich Jewish girls from Long Island or Boca who would not touch a football player until he signed an NFL contract. Then it’s on. I have seen athletes shot down over and over again on many a night out. And let me just say that Jeremy Shockey, before he was making millions and living in New York, was bumming pitchers off of Johnson and wearing jean shorts to South Beach. Enough said.

3.) Most fans didn’t even go to UM. Yeah, you know those rowdy assholes who threw battery acid on you for wearing your Temple Jersey to the Orange Bowl? They live somewhere off the Palmetto Expressway and I guarantee have never set foot on campus except maybe to tow some freshmen’s 3.25i.

4.) Alumni? What Alumni? Part of the reason the stands are so empty is because most UM students who come from out of state go home as soon as they realize that Dade County actually is populated by poor people who don’t speak English and not rich kids form the northeast. So we don’t exactly have families taking RV’s from all over the state to park in Little Havana for the weekend.

5.) We Sell beer at The Stadium. That’s right, eat your heart out, Penn State. You may have an entire stadium of 120,000 people wearing white. But can you buy beer? No, no you can’t. Take that!

6.) Students Get in Free. There are no such things as student tickets at UM. Just show up with your ID and you are in for free. Since 75% of the student body prefers to stay home rather than make the hour-long trek via train and bus to the stadium, this is rarely a problem. Unless, of course, UM plays Florida State. Then, the student section vaguely resembles Mogadishu during a food drop.

7.) We Boo the home team. That’s right. My first game was in 1998 and I remember Scott Covington getting booed after he threw an interception on our first possession, and then the kicker being serenaded with “Crosland Sucks, Crosland Sucks” every time he stepped on the field. What other college program degrades their players in such a manner? You gotta love it.

So, let’s see: Games that don’t sell out, drunken rowdy fans, people with little if any connection to the actual team and players who are judged by their playing and not their celebrity-status? What does that sound like? Oh, right. The NFL. Aside form the rigorous training and great discipline, it is no wonder so many players from UM have no problem adjusting to the NFL: they’re already playing in that atmosphere. So if any of you have a hankering to see some first-rate football (okay, not this week, but usually) and don’t want to have to fight for tickets, seat space, or convenient parking (convenient, yes, cheap no) come on down to the Orange bowl. It is pro-football at its finest. Just don’t expect a band, a big crowd or fans who cheer their team in victory or defeat. Because that ain’t how we do at the OB.


At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I found a typo in this post. It's in the first paragraph where you call UM a dominant football program. After that traveshmockery of a debacle we saw last night, I think dormant is a more appropos term than dominant.

Also, I'm sorry if leaving two or three comments and posting a link on a certain message board regarding a certain someeone is regarded as taking something to the extreme. I guess I should cool it.

At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Oh and Shockey has still not paid me back for that pitcher yet.

"Stay out of it or you'll get what she got!" Free Ryan Moore

At 3:52 PM, Blogger spinachdip said...

I was going to email you earlier about this Sports Illustrated photo set, because the utter lack of hot girls was stunning, considering the (perceived) hotness of the UM student body.

But then again, the post reminded me how much of a dump Orange Bowl and the surrounding neighborhoods are.

At 6:53 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

I went to UM for all three years of Law School. And I've lived here an extra year.

Have I ever been to a UM Game?

Hell no.

Did I used to go to Badgers Games?
Almost always, even in November.

At 8:07 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I'm personally a Mountaineer fan. I don't know why I'm standing by them, but I do.

At 11:23 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

GO EERS! I'm a WVU fan, after my beloved and downtrodden Washington Huskies. Oh Dade, I think I saw Ms. Sterger. She looked subpar as always.

I know you aren't a die hard Cane fan but did you lose a bet?

At 11:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I enjoyed that post.

You're a good writer even tho I don't always agree with you on some of the male/female analysis.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I used to teach Freshman Comp at UM. The football players would try to sweet talk me into giving them good grades. "Ms. Manola," they would say while huddling over me. It seemed like they were huddling because even at my largest they were still the size of refrigerators!!! Needless to say, they got the same treatment as other students. But I'm all for anyone being good at something, and if you're good at your sport -- go for it!

At 12:53 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson - Free Ryan Moore indeed. I'm sorry Jenn told you to "cool it." You are a bitter, bitter man.

SDip - The UM female student body is HIGHLY overrated. Penn State puts them to shame.

Superbee - you are missing out on some excellent football, though.

Angel - They're good this year. Why not stand by them?

Joe - No, I did not. tyhis is all stuff I've always said. And I saw Miss Sterger as well. In person. At dinner. That she paid for.

Anon - thank you.

Manola - Way to not give in. Those guys are thuigs. Stay strong.

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Andy said...

Ah so true.

You forgot to mention how stupid the football players are too, though. I failed two football players who took the class I taught at UM.

In this class, I literally went over every single answer for the test the week before it happened.

Maybe they don't pick up chicks because they can't formulate sentences, tell time, or tie their own shoes.


Post a Comment

<< Home