Who Would You Eat?
There are fun little games out there people play in bars when they’re bored like “Fuck, Marry, Kill” or “Would You Rather” or “Last Word.” But I think my favorite of all time has got to be “Who Would You Eat?” Like if you were in plane crash in the Andes like that rugby team in “Alive,” which person out of your group would make for the best eating? We started this game during a CAX in 29 Palms a few years ago, as we were sitting around under a tent in 128 degree July heat, waiting for a fire order. It was hot. We were bored. And the only radio station we got was some shit out of Yucca Valley that kept playing "She’s So High Above Me” every fourth song. And then our Staff Sergeant says “Hey, if we get stuck out here, which Marine here would you eat?”
Now one might automatically think “Hey, take the biggest guy around since he’ll provide the most meat.” But it is not so simple. Think about Beef categorizations for a minute: It is not the amount of meat that makes a steak Prime beef, but rather the marbling. So you can’t just pick the biggest guy in the group, because what if he doesn’t have enough body fat and the meat is tough and stringy and tasteless? Similarly, you don’t want to eat the fattest guy in the group because he’ll be all gristle and no meat. And nobody likes chewing on a piece of fat. So you have to find the big guy with a nice layer of fat on him who could feed your entire group. We had this Haitian Sergeant who lived on a diet of fried chicken and Scotch who was about 6’2” 230. I won’t tell you his real name, but around the unit he forever became known as Sergeant Lunch.
To further illustrate my point, I will give you some celebrity examples: Terrell Owens would not make for good eating. While large and muscular, he has no body fat and therefore would just not taste good at all. Shaq his first 7 or 8 years in the league? HORRIBLE eating. Shaq now? De-liscious. Jason Giambi is another guy who would make a nice marbled filet, but Ronnie Coleman? Not so much. I think you get the idea.
I brought this game to my fraternity the next fall and after everyone’s immediate revulsion at the idea of sitting around the chapter hall deciding who among us would make the best entrée, it actually became a favorite drunken pastime. There was one guy in particular, who was one of those short, stocky, muscular guys with a huge gut and massive calves who quickly became the survival eating favorite. Every time he’d come in a room one of us would inevitably say “Man, you know what I could go fore right now? A nice Rib-Eye.” And then everyone else would agree. I don’t think he ever quite understood the joke.
Females can make for good eating too, but you have to be careful. A girl you would fuck, at least if you are a white guy, is definitely not a girl you would eat. Marissa Miller? NOT good eating. Latinas look like they would make for some tasty meals, though. Just not the fat ones, you need ladies with a little muscle to them. Last night we thought Sara Ramirez, who plays Dr. Callie Torres (George’s girlfriend) on Gray’s Anatomy was a perfect example of a girl we would definitely eat. It becomes funny when you have this conversation in a bar, because you will see a girl and say “Man that chick has a nice ass. I would totally eat her.” People listening think you are being disgusting. Which I guess you are, but in a totally non-sexual way.
Now don’t get me wrong. I do not advocate cannibalism or the eating of other people. But when you get tired of the usual conversational games, this is a fun one to play that can totally weird out anyone who is eavesdropping. I’ve thought about the various people I know who read this blog and who I would eat, and I think Ali from Rum and Popcorn is definitely the blogger who would make the best meal. Sorry bro. See if you and your friends can have as much fun with this game this weekend as I have. Until Monday, Bon Appetit!