Friday, September 29, 2006

Who Would You Eat?

There are fun little games out there people play in bars when they’re bored like “Fuck, Marry, Kill” or “Would You Rather” or “Last Word.” But I think my favorite of all time has got to be “Who Would You Eat?” Like if you were in plane crash in the Andes like that rugby team in “Alive,” which person out of your group would make for the best eating? We started this game during a CAX in 29 Palms a few years ago, as we were sitting around under a tent in 128 degree July heat, waiting for a fire order. It was hot. We were bored. And the only radio station we got was some shit out of Yucca Valley that kept playing "She’s So High Above Me” every fourth song. And then our Staff Sergeant says “Hey, if we get stuck out here, which Marine here would you eat?”

Now one might automatically think “Hey, take the biggest guy around since he’ll provide the most meat.” But it is not so simple. Think about Beef categorizations for a minute: It is not the amount of meat that makes a steak Prime beef, but rather the marbling. So you can’t just pick the biggest guy in the group, because what if he doesn’t have enough body fat and the meat is tough and stringy and tasteless? Similarly, you don’t want to eat the fattest guy in the group because he’ll be all gristle and no meat. And nobody likes chewing on a piece of fat. So you have to find the big guy with a nice layer of fat on him who could feed your entire group. We had this Haitian Sergeant who lived on a diet of fried chicken and Scotch who was about 6’2” 230. I won’t tell you his real name, but around the unit he forever became known as Sergeant Lunch.

To further illustrate my point, I will give you some celebrity examples: Terrell Owens would not make for good eating. While large and muscular, he has no body fat and therefore would just not taste good at all. Shaq his first 7 or 8 years in the league? HORRIBLE eating. Shaq now? De-liscious. Jason Giambi is another guy who would make a nice marbled filet, but Ronnie Coleman? Not so much. I think you get the idea.

I brought this game to my fraternity the next fall and after everyone’s immediate revulsion at the idea of sitting around the chapter hall deciding who among us would make the best entrée, it actually became a favorite drunken pastime. There was one guy in particular, who was one of those short, stocky, muscular guys with a huge gut and massive calves who quickly became the survival eating favorite. Every time he’d come in a room one of us would inevitably say “Man, you know what I could go fore right now? A nice Rib-Eye.” And then everyone else would agree. I don’t think he ever quite understood the joke.

Females can make for good eating too, but you have to be careful. A girl you would fuck, at least if you are a white guy, is definitely not a girl you would eat. Marissa Miller? NOT good eating. Latinas look like they would make for some tasty meals, though. Just not the fat ones, you need ladies with a little muscle to them. Last night we thought Sara Ramirez, who plays Dr. Callie Torres (George’s girlfriend) on Gray’s Anatomy was a perfect example of a girl we would definitely eat. It becomes funny when you have this conversation in a bar, because you will see a girl and say “Man that chick has a nice ass. I would totally eat her.” People listening think you are being disgusting. Which I guess you are, but in a totally non-sexual way.

Now don’t get me wrong. I do not advocate cannibalism or the eating of other people. But when you get tired of the usual conversational games, this is a fun one to play that can totally weird out anyone who is eavesdropping. I’ve thought about the various people I know who read this blog and who I would eat, and I think Ali from Rum and Popcorn is definitely the blogger who would make the best meal. Sorry bro. See if you and your friends can have as much fun with this game this weekend as I have. Until Monday, Bon Appetit!


At 2:33 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

This game is hard to play in Miami, though, because there aren't a lot of well-marbled but beefy people here.

They're either Coke-skinny or 2% bodyfat buff. At least, the people that attract my radar, anyway.

I think you have to go to a city like Philly or Chicago or Milwaukee or Seattle to really get the benefit of the "Who would you eat?" game.

That's not to say that I'm not ABSOLUTLEY going to try it out...sooner rather than later. But I don't imagine the people at Karu and Y tonight will be particularly edible...

At 2:43 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

It's a hard game to play. I'm not really a meat and potatoes kinda guy.
I bet it would be fun to play while smashed though. Think of all the girls freaking saying things like "you think I've got fat?".

At 2:50 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

If you're a vegan can you eat some kind of vegetable, like maybe our friend anonymous?

At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow David. Another classic. People who are vegetables would not be able to write so there goes that diss.

Grow up Papa Smurf and go play in traffic.

At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, give me credit for last word. I don't think that anyone else really plays that game.

At 3:55 PM, Anonymous Ali said...

Wow. I guess being edible is better than constantly being the "marry" part of "marry, fuck, kill"....

When I used to work out more seriously, my trainer tried to get me to eat better, but I refused. This must be my reward.

At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

I think I'd eat Kendra.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

I'd eat Dr. Phil. If for no other reason than to shut him up.

At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Could could eat Dr. Phil and Oprah in one bite fatty. Have a great weekend being a single mom.


At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I can only assume that the Kappa Sig you were refering to is Tex. He's pretty much the only person who could provide enough cutlets for 10-15 people, even in his non-disgustingly fat state, although Zanotti probably has enough on him for a small family now.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger Freckle Face Girl said...

I don’t eat meat very often, but I would suggest that you find someone who drinks a lot so the meat is pre-marinated. Jack Daniels is popular at TGI Friday’s.

At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Feuer the Destroyer said...

David in DC,
"People who are vegetables would not be able to write so there goes that diss." Zing! Ouch.

WD, how about the young? Especially the indoor video game types. I haven't had veal in YEARS!

At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just met Ali on Friday night. So glad I didn't read this before meeting him or I would have been examining his merits as a meal.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Tara said...

I'll have to try that game the next time I'm at a bar with my friends. I went with some former and current coworkers one time, and we played the "F***, Marry, Kill" game". It was gross when we were given the choice of any of the guys at work. Then sometimes someone would throw in our current President into the mix.

At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think White Dade would most likely fuck our current President.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon - Oh, good, I thought you were once again mistakingly alluding to my MOS. which is not in the Utilities field.

Superbee - Are you kidding? Have you been to Westshester or Kendall? Plently of lechon to go aorund.

Angel - Yet another brilliant way to give a woman a complex. thanks, Angel.

David - Not sure how you'd manage to compare people not named Terri Schiavo to vegetables (sorry, that was just too easy)

Betty - Yes. Last word was yours. But I was too lazy to go back and find your post about it.

Ali - Take it as a compliment. At least you're not TOO fat

Joe - Good call. Yes, Kendra would be OUTSTANDING eating.

Rachel - I'd be tyhe first one there with a peppercorn demi-glaze

Johnson - No, actually it was a guy named Jamie DeCario. tex is too fat. Zanotti doesn't have enough muscle and it over-marinated in whiskey and Natty LIght.

FFG - See my comment to Jonhson about our friend Jeff. Too much alcohol can ruin a good slab.

Feuer - I am ALL about anything that puts laess children out there. Next tailgate perhaps?

T. - Well, wait for next time

Tara - Was "kill" the typical response?

Anon - Perhaps in the "I'd make him my prison bitch" sense of the word


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