Monday, October 09, 2006

Don't Tell Me You're Fat, I'm In Denial

Ladies, I'm going to give you all a little advice today. I know that once you pass the age of about 22, your body just doesn't look the way it used to. This is just a sad fact of life for about 95% of the female population that does not run marathons and/or are major celebrities. Compared to middle-aged women you are still smoking hot, but we are also well aware that your body probably had a little more tone when you were 19. And, yes, we do miss it. But if you notice, we have grown to accept it since conversations with 19-year-olds are about the intellectual equivalent of The Jerry Springer Show. So when you realize that you just aren't the taut, sexy nubile creature you may have been your sophomore year, but please do not perpetually mention it to guys you are dating.

First of all, it is NEVER a turn-on to tell a guy "God, I look fat!" Men don't like that. It oozes insecurity and low self-esteem, and not in the "I'll do anything to get you to like me" way, but in the "I'm not confident in who I am way." Aka the "bad" way. And you know how much you girls love confidence? Well, so do we, and perpetually talking about how unattractive you think you are does not make you look any sexier in our eyes. It is, in fact, as big a turnoff you can have without smelling like garlic.

If you do insist on criticizing yourself, you are only going to make things worse by telling us how good you used to look. Like "Oh, look at this picture form formal Junior Year. God I was so skinny and tan. What happened to me?" Thanks. So I guess I just got the short end of the stick on that one didn't I? Glad to know all those ex's you talk about got to fuck Hot You, and I am stuck with Flabby Pale You. I guess once you got ugly you settled for me. Outstanding. That would be like me saying "Yeah, back when I had a lot of money I used to take my ex's shopping all the time and on great vacations and out to fine restaurants. Too bad I'm broke now. Wanna buy me some Taco Bell?" You'd feel a little pissed off, wouldn't you? The way you were when we met you was apparently good enough, so there is no need to let us know that you used to be better. All that does is makes us angry at you for letting yourself go. Again, not really a big turn on.

See, the thing is, all guys like to think they are banging a hot chick. Whether or not this is the case, after some time we can generally convince ourselves that we are and we can be happy in our little imaginary world. Then you have to bring it crashing down by reminding us that your stomach is getting bigger and your ass is beginning to sag. Thanks. There's nothing I like better than being made to feel like I'm fucking a fat chick. There is no greater feeling in the world than being reminded that the girl you are sleeping with is loaded with imperfections.

So even if you are obsessed with your newfound flabbiness, please refrain from mentioning it to a guy you are sleeping with. Because it does nothing to help your image in our eyes. And furthermore, if those things don't bother us, they really shouldn't bother you. I'm not saying abandon the gym and subsist on a diet of Pizza and Ben and Jerry's; you should always strive to look as good as you can. But you don't need to beat us over the head with your flaws because, quite frankly, if you keep saying it, we're going to start believing it. And then we'll probably sleep with the first girl we find with a tight, non sagging ass and a great tan. But you can't blame us, you're the one who let yourself go. Or so you keep saying.

30 Comments:

At 1:11 PM, Anonymous florida hater said...

Great, great post WD. Girls need to hear stuff like this because they "love" talking about their imperfections. And you're 100% correct in that, we wouldn't be with them if we felt that way about their shortcomings.

 
At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Cedar said...

Does this comment box make me look fat?
I ran into one of the previously super thin preppy chicks from high school the other day at Nordstrom and she had a major gut. I have to admit it pleased me in a sick way.

 
At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

6/10 on the Jenn Sterger scale. I bet that this post will offend some of the local bloggers. Some of the females who post comments on this site are way out of touch with reality.

What, me, ugly??? No way. Fat, no way in hell???

So you stated the obvious, well then I am going to report you as making terroristic threats although I make terroristic threats every day when by Big Mac comes with pickles.

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

 
At 2:09 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

I can only claim to being less fat. "In 97, I wasn't nearly this fat. Fat, but not this fat."

 
At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this post totally applies to guys as well--as in most guys since college have stopped playing sports but have continued their regimen of binge drinking. plus, their hair is starting to fall out.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

22??? Good Lord, WD! I'd like to see what you have to say in 10 years! LOL!!!

But you're right. Sexiness is so much attitude and expression and not just about how your body looks and this true no matter how old you are. Self-deprecation isn't sex in men either.

Not that I sleep with girls, but WD isn't it just as annoying to share a meal with one of these types who is constantly whining about how fat she is going to get and how she needs to go spend five hours at the gym to burn off the meal and OMG, OMG woe is me ... (meanwhile picking at all the food)

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger imaginaryconversations said...

Try eating with people and having them constantly be amazed that you're having a salad and fruits, and trying to stuff you with bread and pasta, because that's what "normal" people eat. Oh, and by the way, "real women have curves", so if you genetically don't have big boobs or a big ass, you're not real.

WD, if I were you I wouldn't date or fuck fat girls, period. That's what I do as a girl (no flabby guys).

I don't run marathons and I'm not a major celebrity yet. It doesn't take THAT much effort to stay in shape - the media and people in general just make it look that way to give themselves excuses.

This is probably obvious anyways, but I like this post and I totally agree.

 
At 5:19 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

Everyone is already in shape. As I've observed here before, round IS a shape.

(I just love leaving that particular comment on the blog of a personal trainerv

 
At 5:32 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

I agree with you're post, girls do that all thime time with their peers, I didn't realize how many did that on dates....speaking of dates I went on one last night and we were talking about alcohol tolerance and this guy unprovoked mind you said to me "....what are you 130-135lbs?" I didn't even know what to say.

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger B-Brod said...

WD – Hit the nail on the head here. I dated a chick who would say things like this all the time, but what made it worse was when I would try to get her to do active things – things that would actually help her feel better about herself and she would refuse. I say if someone doesn’t want to at least make an attempt of betterment, they shouldn’t fucking complain about it. Leave that to the quadriplegics with triathlon dreams.

Cedar – Next time we get together, you are going to have to tell me who you ran into.

Melissa – Tell me this man of staggering tact was the same guy that repeats lines of the very movie he is watching wile IN the theater, and I’ll be a happy man.

 
At 6:00 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

It is the same guy...aka "the movie talker"

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

Dear God,

I hope your girl doesn't read this post, well if she's still letting you bang her then she probably isn't.

Maybe it's just the winter thing cause that's what hot chicks do up here in DC... let themselves go.

I mentioned something about it adn BFF's

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I agree. If they point out their flaws to us, we'll be more apt to see them.

 
At 9:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD, a pretty funny post. But a few things guys fail to realize:

1. Sometimes we can whine about being fat and still be confident in other aspects of ourselves - we know we are nice people, smart, and have good personalities, but we also know that guys complain a lot about girls being fat, so it makes us insecure. With all the guys complaining about girls being fat, it's a wonder we don't all have anorexia! If we care enough about you to worry about our looks in front of you and seek your reassurance, then give it to us - it makes us feel happier and sexier. You're right that girls shouldn't go on and on about it. But you have to remember that guys and girls are simply different. You guys don't have to put up with the kind of looks-focused opposite sex that we do (at least, not as much).

2. This whole "confidence" thing is overrated sometimes. It is okay to be self-deprecating in a funny way. Some guys (and I guess women) just can't find the line, but it's nice sometimes to meet someone who doesn't think he's god's gift. There are so many jerks out there, probably of both sexes, that isn't it nice when someone's big flaw is just that they don't believe they're perfect? I'm always attracted to a guy who knows his limitations and can make fun of himself. "I like dancing but I wouldn't win any contests," etc. - I've heard it all from guys, and it's CUTE. Yes, I know some girls are into "confidence," but everyone likes different things. I like realism and self awareness.
Looks-based ego turns me way off.

3. There are so many things that can be wrong about a person you date - if they're a little insecure, and they are still a nice person, then try to be forgiving. I dated a guy once who would go apeshit because I made a joke about myself. I couldn't take it anymore - he had no sense of humor. He's still single.

4. Guys complain about girls being fat, but then also complain if we order a salad or want to skip dessert or don't drink alcohol much. We know we're not 22; that's why we have to cut down. You guys want us to drink a keg and not gain a pound.

I'm glad you're realistic about us not looking like we did when we were 22. And consistent whining from girls is annoying, I'm sure. I've only dated men, so I wouldn't know. But frankly, if we say those things to you it's because we LIKE you. We're looking to you for reassurance. Sometimes we are confident about other things and don't want to lose you. I only wish you guys had the same dedications and worries.

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger threetoedsloth said...

I must plead guilty to occasionally complaining about my weight. But the thing is, nowadays guys are so harsh and cruel about womens' bodies, sometimes it works as a defense mechanism to call yourself fat before anyone else can do it for you.

 
At 1:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Exactly. I don't know when it became okay to be as ruthless and cold as some guys are. And sometimes they call women fat who are not really fat at all. I think a lot of this has to do with the blogosphere. Men who are satisfied with their relationships aren't on the web complaining that the only reason they're single is that women are so darn fat. So you get a skewed view.

I understand what you are saying Matt, but there are much worse things that a girl being insecure about our body (and most of us are.)

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Tara said...

Good post, Dade!

It is difficult for girls/women to overcome the insecurities that have plagued them for years, to then come to realize that, hey, I'm fine! I beat myself up all the time, but lately I've been trying to dig myself out of that thought pattern and when that happens I feel pretty good.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger Jader said...

I never complain about my body in front of my boyfriend because when I see him stare in the mirror and say he wishes his arms were bigger, it drives me bananas.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

"..Glad to know all those ex's you talk about got to fuck Hot You, and I am stuck with Flabby Pale You."

So, so true. That is totally what goes through my head when a woman talks about how good she used to look. It's border-line cruel.

 
At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well put, as usual.

I think I have to opposite problem, as I'm a narcissist. Is that, more or less annoying tan girls with low self-esteem.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

FH - Well, email it around to your female friends and maybe they'll get the hinet.

Cedar - OOh, ooh. Ara Hesch? Lia Ramos? Tara Meistrell? (oh, wait, she had a gut in '97)Molly McKelvy? Do share, Cedar, do share.

Anon - Would 10 be the Sterger post then? I didn't even think that was in my top 10.

Joe - Well, if you are still living in 1997, then really your ARE the same size.

DMB - Actually I tinhk most guys, at least me, their guys get better if they keep working out after college. It goes back to that whole "Prioritizing fitness over work" thing.

Manola - Absoltuely 100% right. It is TOTALLY an attitiude. But 22 seems to be where it starts to go. Sitll great, but not 19. And, no, I tihnk girls obsesing about caloires is hot. the less a girl eats, the more it turns me on.

IC - What are you, 22? Since you are naturaly thin, or so you say, this will probably not apply to you. And what about women with fake curves? Are they real?

David - You make a solid point. OR a flabby one, I'm not sure.

Melissa - HAHAHAHAHA! Man, he must think you are made of granite or something. 135 pounds on Mercury maybe.

B-Brod - That is a whole nother beast altogether, the girls who complain and do nothing. Lower on the lowerarchy of fat chicks.

Melissa - What are you guys, Seinfeld?

VK - They have the added advantage of not having to wear skimpy outfits all year long up there. Yet another reason I love Florida.

Angel - you have a knack of summing up my 500 word posts in about 9. Do I ramble?

Anon - 1. Okay, but once you get that reassurance, don't keep looking for it every day.
2. Self deprication, if you think about it, is a form of confidence. It is saying I am confident enought in who I am to admit my flaws. you see what I mean?
3. Yeah. like bad sex
4. I NEVER complain about that. Like I told Manola up there, the less a girl eats the hotter it is. I love a girl who eats nothing but vegeatables and never drinks.

3TS - Interestign take. We're worse than we used to be? When did that happen?

Anon - Women being fat is not what I complain about. I complain about women complaining. Which makes total sense, right?

Tara - Congratualtions with that. I tihnk that is something we shoudl all strive to learn.

Jader - What if he stared in the mirror and talked about how huge his arms were? Would that be just as annoying?

BAL - The only thing worse is girls who say "Yeah, I used to be realyl crazy in bed, but I'm over that now."

Team G - No, no, no. Those girls are hot too. Low self esteem is good sometimes.

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

Hmmm, I totally look much better than I did when I was in college/high school so I guess that whole looking back thing is not something to worry about. Or maybe that's not such a good thing, I dunno. Whatever.

I am mostly fine with how I look -- although I'm SO looking forward to lactating!

 
At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't relate
Arch angel of the hierarchy
JenJen

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger imaginaryconversations said...

WD, women with fake curves are real. So are women with natural curves, and women who are flat like boards. You missed my whole point about us constantly stereotyping how women should look and ignoring the fact that there are lots of different body types.

I am 22. I'm naturally average - my mom is 5'5" and 215 pounds, and has been overweight all her life, so I'm not completely genetically perfect. My dad is skinny though.

How's this for genetically blessed: to stay where I am here what I eat daily:
cereal
coffee - no milk/cream, no sugar
light soup
one slice of fish or turkey
one tiny slice of bread w/ cheese
raspberries/blueberries/blackberries
a mango or two peaches

That's what I eat every single day. Nothing more than that. I go to the gym every other day, sometimes 3 times a week when school gets difficult. I do an hour on the elliptical, 450 crunches (and moving up), abs in the Roman chair, abductor and adductor machines, all arm muscles until exhaustion.

The shape I'm in is not all thanks to genes.

Also, self-deprecating jokes are cool. But constantly complaining that you're fat and looking to your bf for reassurance is weak.

 
At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha i'm not entire sure what's happened to make your posts suddenly so much more amusing and entertaining but i like it. kudos! : ]

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The truth is that the people who are in the best shap work hard at it. Eating every three hours, weighing food and working out 7 days a week is not fun but the beautiful people do it. I agree that some people are born fat and some skinny but 80% of the fat people out there are just lazy.

I don't but the genetic fat theory with everyone. If you are in McDonald's stuffing a Big Mac in your mouth and you weigh 300lbs shame on you.

Boomselecta. Miggity, miggity mack.

 
At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"to stay where I am here what I eat daily:
cereal
coffee - no milk/cream, no sugar
light soup
one slice of fish or turkey
one tiny slice of bread w/ cheese
raspberries/blueberries/blackberries
a mango or two peaches"

That is terrible.
Guys don't realize how we suffer.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Lindsay Jo Beautiful said...

Groan......

So dense.

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger Dayngr said...

Whew! Good thing I am perfect. I would hate to have to deal with stuff like that.

 
At 3:18 AM, Anonymous wanderlust said...

Agree!
Im a petite Cuban girl and even if Im naturally a size 0 there are things that I dont like about my body but I keep them to myself.
Also, I powerwalk a couple of times a week because (hopefully) I will still be looking good in a bikini when Im 30

 

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