Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Oh God, It's Back

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. The Miami Heat have taken one of my favorite songs, Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising” and forever defaced it by using it as the music to which they hoist their NBA title banner. For those new to the blog, I hate the Miami Heat with a passion usually reserved for teams owned by George Steinbrenner. It is not so much the Heat that I despise actually, but the hype and constant dick sucking that surrounds them. Shaq is the most dominant player ever. Wade is the best player in the NBA. Blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up.

The NBA is a travesty of a sports league. Do you know that until last year’s NBA finals there had been only one championship series since 1991 that did NOT feature a team from New York, LA or Chicago? And that year it was Hakeen vs. Shaq, so nobody was hurting for ratings. Even if Sacramento and Indiana have the two best records in the league, you can pretty much rest assured you will never see them together in the finals. It is the only league where every year the big stars and/or the big markets make the championship showcase. I’m not saying the league is fixed, but I’m also saying it is probably not a complete accident.

What makes the NBA even more unwatchable is the fact that it is the only sport where less than one tenth of one percent of all the minutes played are actually relevant. Allow me to explain: Very few games played in the NBA are more than 7 point games halfway through the fourth quarter. No matter how bad you’re down, everyone makes a run. So, automatically, 82% of the minutes played are meaningless. But the NBA’s utter predictability makes everything up until the second round of playoffs a foregone conclusion before the season even begins.

Back when the first round was 5 games, you had a good number of upsets. The top team only got knocked off twice, but a lot of the mid-seed series ended up with the underdog winning. Now that they’ve increased them to three-week, seven game series so they can make more money? We all pretty much know who’s going to be in round 2 . So skipping ahead to round two, which we all know in the West will feature San Antonio, Dallas, Phoenix and someone else (I’m guessing Lakers), and three teams plus the Heat who will undoubtedly be handed the East By Dick Bevetta and his friends anyway, none of those series matter until game 5 (except for sweeps, which make for even less relevant minutes). Basically, there is nothing to watch until the fifth game of round two. And the last 6 minutes of each game. That’s a total of 12 possible games at 6 minutes a game. 72 minutes.

Same goes for the next round. We can put the Miami Heat in the Eastern Finals (although I’d be surprised if David Stern allows Shaq and D-Wade to be eliminated anytime before the championship round) so we’re talking maybe six games in the conference finals that matter and another three in the NBA finals if every series goes seven. That’s 54 more minutes. So, out of the whole NBA season, there are only a total of 116 minutes that actually mean anything. And that is all I am going to watch. The rest is just an eight-moth prelude.

No other sport has more meaningless time than pro basketball. No other sport has such predicable results and uses such hyperbole for its stars. The league makes me sick and I’m not voluntarily watching a single minute until those last 116. The rest is garbage and not fit for human consumption. So when the Heat are playing whatever over-hyped, star-laden team comes out of the west, you may hear from me again on the topic of NBA basketball. Until then I’m sticking to misogyny and racism. I seem to like those topics much better.

9 Comments:

At 1:11 AM, Anonymous Dlee said...

So does WD have less respect for pro wrestling or pro basketball? Judging from tonight's rant, it's kinda tough to tell...

Although I haven't watched either willingly in about 4 years, I'd choose pro wrestling...the storylines are more compelling and the girls are hotter...

 
At 4:04 AM, Anonymous Cliff said...

If you enjoy watching a sport, who cares what you expect the outcome to be?...Was it ever any surprise when the Cowboys won the Superbowl, the Yankees won the World Series, or the Red Wings won the Cup?...I bet the Heat winning the title was a hell of alot less predictable than any of those outcomes over the years...Because until the Heat were up 3-2 on the Mavs, pretty much noone gave them a shot all year to win it. And the same assumptions for Championship games can go for most any sport, any year..Let me Guess, NFL..maybe Bears and Giants...and Colts and Patriots? I'd say i have a good shot at being right. If you don't like a sport then you don't like a sport, but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with the league...would you prefer an 82 game season come down to a single elimination playoff? Cause that would be just, right? I've determined that deep down you're not a very big sports fan. Which is OK, there are alot more important things we should worry about. You're just not what the leagues thrive on, outside of maybe Sun Sports and the Marlins. You like sports, but the final results don't really matter to you, nor do the paths that teams tend to get there...(unless its the Marlins)..because if you pay attention, no sport is that unpredictable, and could fit the same mold as the NBA...Usually NCAA B-Ball is a great "never no what could happen" league...but sorry to burst you're bubble, but the 5 returning starters of the University of Florida Fighting Gators are going to run away with it again...maybe the Arena league will interest you in the Spring...

 
At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

funny, i always said basketball games should be 3 minutes long since the play in those minutes are the only points that win the game.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I still enjoy a good basketball game.

 
At 1:38 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

They do not have the power to "forever deface" this powerful song.

But they suck for using it that way.

The Rising, both the song and the rest of the album, ought to be reserved for more noble purposes. I'm surprised the Boss gave the Heat the clearance to use it this way.

If he didn't, he oughtta sue their asses.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

You and TheBrewer - what? Your kickball league (Yeah, I'm jealous, wannafightaboutit?) have some rule where you now have to write boring "Hetero-oriented" posts about sports?

I guess you did sort of have to tip the table back after your homo-relatable posting about butts...

Okay. I'm over it, then.

In that case, I have nothing to offer...other than kickball jealousy. I couldn't play anyway. I have to work late, usually... Then I have to go home to my fourteen cats, a lukewarm Lean Cuisine, and a half-finished lampshade decoupage project.

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Shaq, how about a rerack?

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger imaginaryconversations said...

I also prefer misogyny and racism.

Sports bore me to tears (all of them, not just basketball).

 
At 5:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post sucks! Give me the juicy shit or nothing at all!

 

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