Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Hialeah Just Gotta Be Different

Hialeah was recently rated the dumbest mid-sized city in America. Right behind Santa Ana, another city I lived very close to and has a remarkably similar demographic composition. But we will leave that alone for now. I’m not sure how exactly this study was done, but I think walking the streets and being offered churros, live chickens, rotten mangos and someone’s daughter all within 5 blocks of a store called “No, Que Barato” may have been the clincher for Dade County’s second largest municipality. If it weren’t that, perhaps the people conducting this poll just decided to try and drive somewhere.

Now, lets assume for a minute, and this is a hypothetical up there with “let’s assume Bush really did think they had chemical weapons,” but let's assume that all drivers in Miami knew what they were doing. Let’s pretend they all followed the rules of the road and did not learn to drive in a country where police are more concerned with how much they’re getting in drug kickbacks than they are with enforcing the traffic code. Assuming all this were true, Hialeah would still, without a doubt, be one colossal clusterfuck. Why? Because while the rest of Dade County is content to drive on its own little grid of Northwest this and Southeast that, Hialeah decided they wanted to be different. But not different like Coral Gables where they just throw in some random streets with names that sound like Pasta sauces, but they just upped and decided to change the street numbering right in the middle of the grid. Just for Hialeah.

So let's say Johnny Tourist from Oshkosh is driving north from the airport on Northwest 42nd Ave, trying to get to NW 200th St. He goes north a few miles and all of a sudden notices he is now on SE 8th Ave. And the street numbers went form Northwest to Southeast and are now going down instead of up. And he has been traveling north the entire time. Johnny T from Oshkosh may get a little flustered, don’t you think? He may head back towards the airport, make a few errant turns and, WHAM! run smack dab into one of Miami’s most celebrated tourist attractions, the Car Jacker. So, even though he was going the right way the whole time, good old Hialeah decided to make him super confused and now if he is not lying dead in a pool of blood somewhere South River Drive, he has undoubtedly gone back to flyover country to tell his congressman that Miami is, indeed, a third world country. Thanks, Hialeah.

So what gives, Hialeah? Why you gotta be different? Would it be so fucking hard to number your streets like the rest of the county so I don’t’ end up driving for 45 minutes trying to find where to pick up my package? Would it kill you to respect the numbering system laid out by our founding fathers so that we could all get where we were trying to go easily? No, no, apparently it would. Hialeah is like the Quebec of Dade County. Not only do they not accept English as even an unofficial language, but they are constantly trying to secede from the rest of the area. Seriously, former mayor Raul “I’ll Punch you In The Face in the Middle of The Palmetto Expressway On Live TV” Maritnez tried to make Hialeah its own county. And not in that funny, ha ha way Key West tried to make itself “The Conch Republic,” but in a serious vain. Not sure what they’d do for tax revenue, as last time I checked industrial wasteland and street crime don’t exactly bring in the tourist dollars that South Beach does. And your typical Hialeah resident isn’t exactly living there to escape those pesky regulations they have in Coral Gables. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for the rest of Dade, that measure failed.

So, Hialeah, for the love of God, if you’re not even going to reopen your trademark racetrack, have the decency to accept that you just more Dade County industrial sprawl. You are what people from Kendall drive through to get to Lauderdale. You are home to Pepsi and Holsum and Treasure Island, and while all good things they do not rate you your own street grid. Please do the tourists (you know, those people that actually bring money into the economy unlike you who just suck it out) a favor and stop confusing them. And do the locals a favor and stop confusing us too. Lacking GPS, you’re just inviting more bad things to happen. Or was THAT you plan for extra money?

24 Comments:

At 8:12 PM, Blogger circuitmouse said...

...and you didn't even mention their entry for the "wackiest mayor in Miami-Dade County" competition.

 
At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just close my eyes and turn up the radio real loud when I drive through Dade on the way to the Keys.

 
At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you're American and you know that Quebec exists and wants to separate. I'm impressed.

It's much better than Florida, trust me. The people aren't backwards, and most people are bilingual and speak perfect or very fluent English. The girls are skinny, in shape, beautiful, and good in the sack (same for guys). Seriously, you should make a nice trip to Montreal when you hit your next slump.

 
At 12:49 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"And your typical Hialeah resident isn’t exactly living there to escape those pesky regulations they have in Coral Gables."

Coral Gables might be the most ridiculously stuck up suburb or whatever the hell it is in America. Remember when they wanted to pass something making the airspace above C.G. restricted? I didn't know the White House or any other major landmarks got moved to Coral Gables. And also, I can't think the words "Coral Gables" in my head without thinking it in that Down Syndrome-esque voice you, Feeley and Klueber say it in.

 
At 2:41 AM, Anonymous Cliff said...

And isn't 57th Ave. also W 4th st? Makes finding Amelia Earhardt Park quite difficult..But they may have the most fast food chains in a square mile that I've ever seen...good luck at the drive-thru speaker..

 
At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

IC,

You are so misinformed about America that it kills me to rip on you but:

1. Like Quebec, most people are bilingual also.

2. Like Quebec, Florida has beautiful, skinny women. There is a lot of money in parts of the state and girls can't cover up here because of the heat.

3. Unlike Quebec, most Floridians don't view Canada as a scam of a country except for myself.

4. I have seen Canadians in Florida. Most are fat and obnoxious.

I hate the French and Canada more then any other country in the world.

The French are famous for a lot of things but they are most famous for coining the phrase...

"I SURRENDER".

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Cool, now I know not to visit Hialeah!! And streets that are named after pasta sauces--that's classic.
In Sarasota most of the streets are named after either sea animals or tropical fruit.

 
At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was born two weeks earlier than expected. Although I grew up in South Dade, my mother happened to be near Hialeah when she went into labor. Therefore I was born at Hialeah Hospital.

Now, even though I am 100% white, when someone asks me where I was born I make sure to tell them, "The heart of Cuba". I am still surprised they let me defect.

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know it's bad when even Cubans make fun of Hialeah.

"Hialeah - mierda, fango, y factoria"

jc

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

clusterfuck.
my new favourite word. i love it!

hm. the street numbering thing would probably make me cry but i dunno man. the layout of the streets in DC is pretty bad. what with them trying to mock the spokes of a wheel and then throwing in random state names inbetween the numbers and letters, DC is pretty damn confusing. i've lived here almost my entire life & i still get confused and scared when driving in DC.

 
At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

they need to fence in "Hijaleahhhh" and turn it into a terrorist internment camp like the ones they used for the Japanese during ww2....a few days in Camp "Mierda, Fango & Factoria" and they will be giving up Osama's exact coordinates Stat....

 
At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miami Beach, FYI, has a different street numbering system - take the causeway at 79st and you wind up on 71st - I think that's where you end up anyway. 125st becomes 96st, etc. Tourists seem to deal with it. For all the shit people talk about Hialeah street numbers - and they ARE ridiculous - the Gables streets are 1000 times more self-indulgent. Have you ever tried to read those fucking little white cobblestones at night? But, I forgot, those stones, like much of the Gables, even in 2006, are white, so they get a pass. Wealthy, still-somewhat white parts of town can go bonkers with their streets, but not poor Hialeah. Hialeah is a city people pick on as an easy punchline, but you'll never convince me the traffic is any worse than Kendall.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

CM - Yeah, well, I'm trying to keep the posts shorter.

ESPK - The turnpike isn't so bad

IC - I would prefer Montreal to Hialeah, yes, but not all of florida

Johnson - My point is that people in the Gables are richer than your average Hialean

Anon1 - More white girls in Montreal. Worse weather. And, no, NOT everyone down here is bilingual. I don't speak spanish, proudly. A lot of Hialeans don't speak English. give it a shot.

Cliff - I believe it is. Fast food in Hialeah? NO!

Angel - NO, they are so named in Coral gables.

ElRanito - At least you were born next to a famous raetrack. Not too many people can saythat.

jc - It is a joke, isn't it?

Gen - Glad I could contribute to your vernacular.

Anon - Don't they already have a terrorist camp in Cuba?

Anon2 - The Gables sucks. they get a pass becasue at least they had the decence to mangle their streets and not keep them on the same grid giving them a different name. but the signs, yes, are impossible. Also, if you get lost in the gables, it might be kinda spooky becasue of all the trees, but a carjacking is much less likely. The beach is an islane, agian, not part of the main grid. And the traffic in Hialeah vs. Kendall? Push.

 
At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If only I had a nickel for every unfair bashing I've heard about Hialeah..
But after working in the city for a year, I must say, that it's no more difficult to find your way around Hialeah than it is, say, Coral Gables or Miami Lakes. And though I won't defend the traffic, I'd much rather drive west on 49th Street (NW 103rd for the uninitiated) at rush hour than I would be stuck in Aventura at any time of day. And BTW, their streets are on a grid, albeit one of their own creation.
So, they had a mayor who was corrupt- show me a city that doesn't! They also have nice parks, great restaurants and people a lot more friendly than many other parts of the county, even if most can't speak the language.
So Angel Jr., if you are ever in town, please, by all means visit Hialeah. It's worth the trip.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger coloradohurricane said...

LMFO, good to see the one white person left in Miami is still there.

My dad actually taught at Hialeah High(before the Court system decided to "integrate" Miami Northwestern by shipping a bunch of white teachers there- as if Coral Gables parents were going to start sending their kids to Liberty City for schooling just because they now had white teachers.

Back then, Hialeah was a joke for being a "redneck" town. I guess they've always been a joke, but the joke's changed.

As for the Hialeah street system, I've always wondered what the fuck was up with that. Coral Gables, I understood- they didn't want the rest of us driving their streets. Hialeah's grid ? I've no clue.

 
At 3:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

About Hialeah's grid..

Hialeah's grid was already well established back when it was a remote town in the northwestern part of the county, long before Miami's streets sprawled outward. The countywide grid became the dominant system, of course, and where the major countywide arteries cross through Hialeah, they are dual-signed with both Hialeah and Miami-Dade numbers. But since Hialeah's blocks are different sizes than Miami's, it's not possible to just reassign Hialeah's numbers with Miami-Dade's numbers. Most of them wouldn't line up.

Now, with that said, we're fortunate that here in Miami-Dade our grid was meticulously planned. Hialeah's grid is NOT that bad. There is a method to the madness. First, Hialeah has a "y-axis" and is divided into west and east, with Palm Avenue down the middle. Avenues go north and south, Streets go east and west. Major north-south avenues are multiples of 4 and are spaced every half-mile; they correspond exactly to the Miami-Dade avenues that end in a 2 or a 7. To use an example you cited, Le Jeune Rd is E 8th Ave through Hialeah, NW/SW 42nd Ave in the rest of the county. W 4th Ave is NW 57th Ave, W 8th is NW 62nd, W 12th is NW 67th, etc. In the Miami-Dade grid, 10 avenues = 1 mile, Hialeah: 8 avenues = 1 mile.

Streets are even easier. Just subtract 54 from the Miami-Dade street number and you get the Hialeah number (i.e., NW 103rd St = 49th St). There is a small triangle at the bottom of the city that lies south of Hialeah Dr (NW 54th St) and east of Palm Ave, so these streets are designated "SE". Le Jeune crosses the Miami Canal, the southern city boundary, and ends up in southeastern Hialeah. Next time you decide to trek your way there, check it out. :) ~~gridz305

 
At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since when did Miami become the USA again? IC, I love Canadians and Canadian women, especially cute blondes. Im originally from Boston, so Ive made teh drive up to Montreal a few times. Good times all around, especially in the old days at 18 years of age haha.

And right on White Dade! I'll be dammed if I speak a lick of Spanish in any conversation either! This is the US of A and we speak english here. It aint gonna change so I wish people would show some respect and learn the language just as I would if I went to live in another country.

Sean

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

WD, I'm disappointed! You didn't use "rice with ass" :-)

 
At 11:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And why the fuck do you have to be in Hialeah in the first place fuckface? I mean, nobody in their right mind writes about some shitty industrial town in Baltimore, Washington DC, LA, etc.
Mmmmm, interesting how people like you who describe themselves as "white" (you look more like a frog mutation to me, and yes I've seen you in person, bleeeh) are the ones always hitting on hot hispanic girls and then are bitter because we have better standards than desperate puta gringas. Hon, I think your problem is that you look like a monster. More white girls in Montreal?? hah don't make me laugh motherfucker, you mean more girls who are fat Jewish/middle eastern/greek/obscure ethnicities? I've had the misfortune to visit and it aint pretty. The guys are pretty lame too. No muscle tone, uncircumcised tiny dicks and that androgenous 70s glam rock look. And thats for the attractive ones. The rest are as ugly and eurotrash as you can imagine (well you can't since according to you you are white and therefore beautiful, the rest of the world just thinks you are a faggot) You know Im rather sick of stupid lame "white" americans who approach me everytime I go out and after learning my national origin pronounce with the greatest astonishment "you don't look latin!!!! all because I look, well hot. Unsurprisingly, most "white" people in florida are the ugliest hickiest fuckers on the USA!! Have you been to Jimbos for goodness sake? I do have a beautiful American friend and of course she is of italian (latin) origin. I don't mean to say there are no attractive, succesful people of arian/anglo/celtic/scandinavian/caucasian/whatever the fuck you wanna call it origin. It is just that they are not you and they dont waste their time bitchin about how bad they have it here. Im sorry for you if not being surrounded by submissive wetbacks is devastating to your ego, but to us middle clas and up hispanics you are worth the same as a shat upon toilet paper.
Ciao Querida ;)

 
At 11:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and you "dont speak Spanish proudly"!!! You are a true douchebag. You are proud that you havent bothered to learn (probably because you are a pus filled twat) a mainstream language that would only give you an edge in business, job searches, etc. Oh I almost forgot, you are a trainer at Ballys. Ill teach you a phrase that you can tell yourself when you look in the mirror: soae oon mama peenga ee tango cara the moco.

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

I'm goign to guess both those anonymous comments came form the same diot, and I don't usually do this but I'm in a fould mood today so here goes:

I learned Spanish in High School and spoke it so well I had to d othe translating for my white friends every time we went to a Spanish-Speaking country. When I went to DR in 1999, I spoke more Spanish than English for about 2 weeks. I don't speak it becasue I realized that I should not have to learn the immigrants language and that they should have to learn mine. When I am in their countries, I return the favor and bust out the Spanish I know. but I refuse to speak it in Miami in order to make life for Spanish speakers more difficult and encourage them to learn. Think globally, act locally, I always say.

Second, if you have met me you would not think I looked like a frog mutation (although I wil lpass that along). there are a lot of people who don't think I"m so hot, but their insults are much more accurate than yours. Old, worn down, big-nosed, those actually make sense. I was in Hialeah going to the UPS distribution center. White girls will always be considered hotter than Latins in America, whether you like it or not. Remember, outside Dade we are still the majority, so out tastes will always win out. And I don't work at Ballys. Keep guessing. As for Montreal, wll, I've never been there so you got me there. I was on the radio there a couple of times though.

White girls form Florida are smoking hot, I have no idea what you are tlaking about. Ever been to Tampa? gainesville? Talahassee? Most of those girls are form Florida, not Latin America. All thos cities have hotter girls than Miami. If you want to judge an entire state by the population of a crackehad bar in Virginia Key, then by all means. I'll judge all Hispanics by the folks I see at Dolphin Mall.

 
At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that....was....AWESOME! Right on brotha!

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger Dayngr said...

Your post on Hialeah was HIA-larious. I wish I would have known it was coming. I snapped a few shots for a post I was going to write about Miami being a 3rd world country and most were taken in HIALEAH.

 
At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's sad that you have to make yourself feel better by putting down people that you obviously don't understand. I am also white, but I unlike you appreciate diversity. This country was founded by immigrants, but then again I guess you can just pick and choose which immigrants are accepted nowadays. And yes, Hialeah might not be the safest neighborhood in Miami-Dade but it is not as bad as you make it sound... and yes, there are MANY educated Cubans. My bestfriend is Cuban and her entire family is educated, they are doctors and lawyers. They are actually the most successful group of Hispanics because given the opportunity most choose to educate themselves. You are a shame to us "whites" because you are perpetuating the idea of the angry and ignorant white.

 

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