How Fat is Too Fat?
I admit it: I have fucked some pigs in my day. I mean some serious pigs. I have won the belt on multiple occasions and am the current titleholder. And it looks like I may hold onto it for a while. When I'm drunk, and especially if I am drunk and depressed, asking me how fat is too fat is really a terrible question. Because at that point there are really no limits that I can honestly say I won't sink to. The last fat girl I was with was about 8 months ago and let me tell you it was quite awful. We're talking stretch marks, massive floppy tits and a gut that bounced around like a fat kid on the back of a schoolbus. Quite nauseating to say the least. But the scale of "Girls you'd hook up with if you were wasted and your girlfriend just dumped you" and girls you'd say "Yeah, I'd hit it" when she walks down the street are totally different things. To break that down even further, there are girls you'd have sex with and girls you think are attractive, and, again, they are totally separate entities. So, to answer all these categories I will break it down into how fat is too fat for each individual one.
Attractive Girl – Now, I am speaking on personal preference here, and my personal preference for girls is "Looks like she just got off a three week coke binge and still eats nothing but celery." Do I always date that type? No, but that's my ideal. The skinnier the better. That being said, I can find girls with some curves and meat on their bones attractive. Any girl with a muffin top or a "gunt" as some call it, is disqualified from this category. Excessive cellulite would also classify you as too fat for category one. A double chin, an ass that would be described as "sloppy" or pretty much anyone over a size 8 is more or less out of this one for me as well. Arm fat that reminds me of my relatives in Delray Beach would also make you too fat. If you are too big to buy the "cute" underwear at Victoria's secret, again, please continue on to category 2. This eliminates a LOT of Latin and black girls, and I'm okay with that. It doesn't mean I don't like them as people, or even wouldn't sleep with them, but I would definitely not say they are attractive. So, basically, all of the characteristics above would be "too fat" to be good-looking in my book. A celebrity example of someone "too fat" to be attractive: Dr. Torres (Sara Ramirez) on Gray's Anatomy. Too fucking fat for me. I'm convinced those underwear shots of her were airbrushed.
Girls You'd Fuck, Sober - Now, when White Dade is out at the Tavern on a Thursday night looking for someone to take home, a gunt and a muffin top is putting you at the top of the list. Why? Because you probably have lower self esteem and would more than likely validate yourself by going home with me. That, and I tend not to notice those things after a few pitchers. But even sober, a girl who is a little chunky or maybe can't quite fit into those Eva Longoria Juicy Couture tracksuits are still nice to take home. So she's got a little too much junk in the trunk? It'll look cool when you're hitting it form behind. So what if she's got a little gut. Just means she drinks a lot of beer. When you are talking about girls who you would have sex with, the standards are considerably lower. What would disqualify you from even being fuckable? An ass you could show a movie on would be one. Back fat to the point of folds is another. Looking like you are pregnant may just be too much for me without a couple of shots of 151 and/or a death in the family. Having to peel the thigh fat back to finger you? May be a little too much work for me. A good celebrity example of someone I wouldn't fuck sober? This one gets hard as most female celebrities have to be thin. So I'll go ahead and go with Rosie O'Donnell, when she first got famous. Now, no way in fucking Hell ever.
Girl you'd Fuck, Drunk – Only slightly lower than the last category, a girl you'd fuck drunk can probably have some back fat and is probably not too good looking. Like a face that could crack a mirror and a body that could crack a sternum. To be knocked out of this one you probably have to have a waddle and/or be fat and not white (white girls get 1 point automatically). An example of a girl I wouldn't fuck drunk? Lisa Lampanelli.
Girl you'd Fuck Drunk and Depressed – Girls who are too fat to fuck if you are drunk and/or depressed are most of the ones I use when I post pictures of fat girls. Because if I'm drunk, I'll let physical imperfections go. If I'm drunk and a girl I like has ditched me or blown me off, I'll take anything that makes me feel good. So if you are so hideous that I can't even bring myself to use you for self-validation, you've gotta be pretty fucking hideous These are the ones you look at and go "Retirement belt." As in if you hit that we give you the belt and you never have to fuck again to keep your title. These are women you'd call "morbidly obese" where you would really have to look to find the hole. Women you wouldn't fuck drunk and depressed can be hard to find as they usually don't get out much. In order to get one you really have to put in some effort. A celebrity example of someone I wouldn't fuck in this situation: The mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" Yes, I know she's dead, but say when she was alive. Yeesh. Just thinking about it makes me squirm.
So I hope this answers most of your questions. If you need any clarification, feel free to ask me in the comments box or via email. Yes, I have fucked some pigs, but the scale of "too fat" is really a sliding one depending on what you are talking about. And hopefully, I never have to again.