Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I Have Nothing to Write About Today

I've been at this a year, and people say I complain a lot. They say I have a lot to say, but today, well, today is different. For some reason, I’ve got nothing to write about today.

Miami is just like the rest of America. It's full of white girls and none of the Latinas hate on them for being the American Beauty Ideal. And they're not rambling on about sports. I can find Wet Jet pads at Publix. There are no gym assholes. Nobody is forcing their kid down my throat or expecting special treatment because they chose to procreate. And they're not inconveniencing an entire flight form Seattle to Miami in order to facilitate said children's sleep.

Marines aren't wasting their time investigating a guy who hit his head on a school bus. Girls don't think they're good in bed when they're not, and don't need a list to explain it to them. Kids aren't speaking Spanish in school, and everyone welcomed me at the Christmas Party full of Cubans. Hispanics are eating dinner at the prescribed time and not waiting for everyone to show up. Nobody is sucking Tom Brady's dick on TV. Strippers are over their old ways once they leave the business. Nobody is asking stupid questions about vitamins. People are getting out of relationships when they are supposed to, and not being weak and holding on. And when it's over, they stay away. Cuban girls aren't pretending to be white in order to dupe unsuspecting white guys into asking them out. They act like normal girls on dates and do not make insipid, ridiculous statements. And you don't have to take them home to their parent's house at the end of the night. Nobody is finding my blog who's not supposed to. And all girls are acting as freaky as Dr. Kinsey.

There are no obnoxious Jewish girls taking over South Beach over New Years. My boss is not expecting me to do any work. Friendster is actually good for something, and nobody is telling me I shouldn't drink and drive. My friends are not bragging about sex and sending me pictures of girls they fucked on a cruise. Graig is not getting stuck on blind dates with fat girls. There are plenty of good blogs to read and plenty of ephedra to go around. My blog is worth money, and I'm still not getting stopped by the cops. Johnson has dumped his miserable bitch of a girlfriend, There are no crackheads interrupting my lunch at Taco Bell. Angelina is not writing posts I don’t' like about "Date Rape." Sacramento is actually exciting. Dating a stripper is actually fun.

Nobody is calling me a racist because I only like White girls. People can make fun of black people for more than just not being able to swim and it is socially acceptable. Nobody is making a big deal out of cold weather in New York. Or sub-60 temperatures in Miami. Golden Girls is clearly better than Sex and the City, and nobody is tacky enough to get married at halftime of a Heat game. Anonymous has stopped commenting, or telling my mom she should have had an abortion instead of wishing her a happy birthday. People agree that having kids is a terrible idea, and my blog addiction has subsided. The census says there are more than 25,000 single, childless white girls in Dade between 18-24. Nobody is cheating, or getting into relationships when they still want to fuck around. My clients aren't expecting miracles. I am not in a sexual slump.

No one in Miami is living at home, renting hotels on the weekends or driving Jettas. Drunk. Guys aren't counting hookers as part of their lifetime total. Girls don't think I'm hitting on them every time I start up a conversation. Girls are looking out for their friends without being a cockblock. White guys who sideswipe black guys in Alabama actually get tickets. And they've finally stopped with the fucking Jack Bauer lists. Jenn Sterger has stopped attention whoring, and her dad couldn't care less. People call me at work and speak English, as do all of my clients. The $40 rule is ironclad.

New Yorkers find it easy to meet people ,and never bitch about it online. Nobody at work is trying to get anyone else in trouble. Sex with 16-year-old girls in a Motel 6 is perfectly acceptable. Nobody thinks they are hotter than they really are, and the immigration debate is over. Nobody is impersonating me online. 5 Manutes beat 5 Mugsys. Passover has relaxed its rules for those of us who like carbs. The only person being blamed for Chad Meredith's death is Chad Meredith. Jenn Sterger isn't calling me evil. Condoms aren’t being used, and nobody is pretending like they are. My cousin Adam has given up this whole "I’m a retard" charade. Guys don't think they're being romantic by stalking a girl. And Jewish girls are wonderful people, attracting plenty of Jewish men and ensuring the survival of our people.

I never have to work in a black strip club again, and everyone still appreciates my tan. New York bloggers are writing about things other than New York. The drinks there are cheap and the cross-town bus is faster than walking. Jewish girls who are supposed to be smart actually understand what USMC stands for. And every girl is not afraid to be good in bed. My recently single friends are not moping, nor are they in a hurry to validate their recently single existence. There are no girls expecting me to buy them drinks, and the ones that do are having those drinks poured on them. Pot is legal during rush hour. Graig can go to Publix without being Sexually harassed. The NBA is watchable. And the Heat haven't won diddly poo, hence ruining the now-watchable league. And nobody likes Dwyane Wade. Bartenders make model girlfriends. Everyone hates summer because it sucks for us in South Florida.

I have ample blog groupies. Guys who moved to South Beach from Indiana actually act like they're from Indiana, not South America. Guys are going out to drink, not just to pick up women. I have enough self-esteem to date girls who are not crazy, and I can count all of them towards my "number" if I want to. And none of them are sleeping with me and then conveniently "forgetting" it happened. Guys who get Finals tickets take friends, not engaged ex-girlfriends. Vamos a Cuba is available in all Miami-Dade schools. There are no overly-machismo guys trying to take my table at the tavern, nor are there any FSU punks trying to play Faggy-Cup. The Marlins beat the Yankees and the White team won the World Cup. The line between players and sluts is clearly drawn, both male and female, and people are able to maintain effective fuck buddies.

There is no Reggaeton playing during 4th of July fireworks, and hot girls have personalities. And fat girls do too. Jewish guys don't think they can get any girl just because they're Jewish, but hot guys who used to be fat kids actually DO. My HOT, HOT fan in Birmingham actually made it out with us. Kendall and Hialeah are getting as much coverage on the Travel Channel as South Beach and Brickell. So Jessica Cutler is not getting the wrong impression. Marines can tell a story without mentioning sex. And there are no girls stealing our shirts after said sexual encounters. None of my friends are talking on their cell phones around me. Guys aren't staying sober to take advantage of drunk girls, they can get laid by looking good and waiting for girls to come to them. Girls are willing to sleep with you right away and just take it as "reverse dating."

Everybody from Miami is proud of the fact that they live here, and nobody is worshipping New York. Miami bloggers just take the free food and wine and enjoy the fucking party. Only children understand their birthday is not that fucking important. Miami Cubans do not want to go back to Cuba, and speak with normal, American accents. But the city is still great, especially since it is not freaking out over the minor threat of a hurricane. I'm getting all the sex I want on my birthday, and if I make a mistake, abortion is free, legal, and wholly unopposed.

UM football is not only successful, but supported in a manner in which a top-ranked program should be. But nobody is getting too obsessed with sports anyway. Nor are they getting too obsessed with 9/11, since we all just shrugged it off and said "Wow, that sucks. When's abs class?" My drill instructor knows what Halvah is. Greg Behrendt has found his testicles and actually takes the man's side once in a while. Everyone is getting enough sleep and nobody is working too much. School zones have been abolished, and everybody is pretty clear about who is white and who is not. We won the kickball championship since it was NOT decided by a faggot-ass game like Rock, Paper Scissors. Alice has stopped making out with so many guys in her neighborhood.

Jealous ex-boyfriends are admitting they are what they are: Jealous. And girls are not sleeping with guys because they have money or are famous. Nor are they telling their boyfriends that they used to look a lot better. There was a plane crash in New York and nobody freaked out. UM and FIU got into a fight and nobody pretended to be outraged, they all admitted it was damn entertaining. Girls with ass don't expect white boys to be attracted, and nobody is bringing their girlfriend out for a night with the guys. There's no crash form cocaine, and Shaq is reracking his weights. White people can get a job in Miami just as easily as Hispanics, every girl I hook up with licks my asshole, and none of them are surprised when they are labeled as "sluts." And the NBA has cancelled the season. Alice has stopped dating ugly guys. And Miami is just like the rest of America. Damn, I've got nothing to write today. I guess my work here is done.


At 1:00 AM, Anonymous Feuer the Destroyer said...

...and you scored the first ever perfect score on a certain standardized test.

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this like the opposite day we had in grade school?


At 10:08 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

wow....great post.

At 10:10 AM, Blogger imaginaryconversations said...

Great birthday post. I like this approach (is there a literary technique name for it?)

But pot? Pot?? Isn't that only for losers?

At 10:30 AM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

And you said you had nothing to write about.

At 10:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say, you're a damn good writer.

At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well... that was fun.

At 1:43 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Wow, a White Dade Retrospective. I think you missed the Slip and Slide party though. Also, who's to say Graig still isn't going on blind dates with fat girls? We just have no visual confirmation of it at the moment.

At 3:06 PM, Anonymous David in DC said...

Happy Birthday WD.

Black is white.
Up is down.
Everything labeled "new and improved" is.
I'm 29 and single.
And weed, newly legal during rush hour, doesn't cause um, what was that again, oh yeah, rambling speech and memory loss.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Feuer - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! that's a good one.

Anon1 - MOre lke the oposites on you can't Do That on Television

Ash - Thanks

IC - No idea what the style is called. I just kind of made it up.

Angel - Too much, right?

Anon -Thank you.

Ranito - Thanks.

Johnson - We have no confirmaiton that he is not hooked on crystal meth either.

David - No, of course it doesn't.

At 5:03 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

When I first started reading your blog I went back and read every post. It was definitely entertaining and caused some heated discussions between myself and some friends.
I can always count on you to bring the controversy and I thoroughly enjoy reading it whether I agree with your opinion or not.
Happy Birthday!

At 10:35 PM, Blogger aikin said...

...and no one's called me "bro"

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Jada said...

I fucking love this! Especially the bit about NYers bitching about how hard it is to meet people in NY. Love it!

You have yourself a new fan. I can't wait to sit down and read all the archives.


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