Monday, November 20, 2006

If I Stole OJ Simspon's Mail, Here's How It Happened

We have this great website in Dade County that lets you look up people who own property here. All you have to do is enter their name and you get a street address, plot description, appraisal amount and often an aerial photo. This is immensely useful for placing liens, looking up friends to see how much their house is worth, and, you know, maybe to see where OJ Simpson lives. So say I might have been sitting around stone sober with a friend of mine at the computer back in the days before I had a blog, and say I may have decided it might be fun to see where the Juice was calling home these days.

Turned out that is was a ranch house with an enormous front yard and about a 200-foot driveway leading back to the street in Kendall. I did not learn this from an aerial photo, mind you. Lacking anything better to do midweek in December after school got out, we decided to drive by. Then we decided to stop. And get out. And maybe walk up the driveway to OJ’s door just to see if he’d come out. As luck would have it, the Juice’s Navigator was missing from the driveway, so we figured he must have been out on a late night search for the real killers. And by “real killers” of course, I mean strippers and cocaine. But as we walked back down the driveway, we noticed a mailbox.

Now you’d think a guy as nefarious as Orenthal James Simpson would at least have a mail slot, if not a whole separate P.O. box to keep bored college kids from coming by and taking his Carpet Cleaning coupons. But then again, I guess good decision making has never been OJ’s strong suit, and so it was he had a stand alone mailbox in his driveway. From the looks of it, the Juice had been out Real-Killer hunting for a while as his mailbox featured not only copious amounts Pizza deals, but a couple of back issues of The Flyer. In case he was looking for some used furniture or something. I look at my friend, he looks at me, and we grab it and run. I don’t think I have ever covered 200 feet in less time than I did that night, stolen mail in hand running to my car from OJ’s house. We could not stop high-fiving and laughing as we drove back to our Kendall Townhouse not three miles away.

It would have been cool enough to steal the mail of a Hall Of Fame running back turned non-convicted double murderer. There is something vaguely surreal about reading a piece of junk mail that begins “Dear ORENTHAL SIMPSON: Have you considered refinancing your mortgage? I’m Hector Padilla and if you call me now I can lock you in at a low, low rate of only 6.5%.” Or better still the offers to roll over CD’s in his children’s names (hmmm, hiding some assets are we?). But I do believe the coup de gras was when we got to the bottom of the stack of bills ($599 a month for that Navigator, 2 months past due) and found a massively thick envelope from the good people at Nextel. Addressed to one Orenthal J Simpson. Yep, we had OJ’s cell phone bill.

On the bill were not only about 20 pages of calls on the Juice’s phone, but also about 10 pages each for both of his kids. OJ, it seems, makes a LOT of calls between 2 and 4 AM. No idea who those could be to. It reasons, though, that a lot of the numbers on his record were to other celebrities, most notably golf buddy Lawrence Taylor. Did we have the patience to go through and find out who all these people were? Hell the fuck no. But the bill is somewhere in a box in my friend’s garage, so maybe someday when I’m bored. At that time, however, what we were in possession of was OJ’s cell number.

If you ever come in possession of the cell number of a notorious celebrity, let me tell you never give it to anyone. Because while you may keep it in your phone to show off to friends but only call once when you’re REALLY drunk on Cinco De Mayo (inviting an equally drunk returned call demanding to know who it was) your jackass friends may not show such restraint and eventually said celeb will change his number. Of course, it WAS Nextel, so he may have just realized, like everyone else with Nextel , that the service is shit and switched over. Regardless, if you look in my phone right between Novarr and Patrice you may see a number belonging to a guy with two initials that may look rather familiar. You may, that is, if I had done this. Which I did not. But if I had, that’s how it would have happened.

17 Comments:

At 4:54 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I remember seeing OJ's cell phone bill when I lived with Klueber. Craziness. Has OJ made another appearance in The Tavern since you've been back? He came in back in 03 when I was out with Jenny. I told her that she should hide in the bathroom or something b/c attractive blondes don't tend to fare too well when he's around.

 
At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Ali said...

"I guess good decision making has never been OJ’s strong suit."

Yeah, I'd put that in along with broadcasting, controlling his temper, and getting over his ex-wife.

On the good side, he could sure run that football. And he was hilarious as Nordberg in those "Naked Gun" flicks.

 
At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD

I remember the number in your cell... didn't we at least think about calling it when you visited me in Butte?

DT

 
At 5:24 PM, Anonymous non-anon said...

I give this post a lifespan of about 2 seconds before someone accuses you of committing a felony... you know, if that's how it happened.

 
At 7:50 PM, Anonymous F. Lee Bailey said...

Title 18, USC, 1708:

Whoever steals, takes, or abstracts, or by fraud or deception obtains, or attempts so to obtain, from or out of any mail, post office, or station thereof, letter box, mail receptacle, or any mail route or other authorized depository for mail matter, or from a letter or mail carrier, any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or abstracts or removes from any such letter, package, bag, or mail, any article or thing contained therein, or secretes, embezzles, or destroys any such letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein; or
Whoever steals, takes, or abstracts, or by fraud or deception obtains any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein which has been left for collection upon or adjacent to a collection box or other authorized depository of mail matter; or
Whoever buys, receives, or conceals, or unlawfully has in his possession, any letter, postal card, package, bag, or mail, or any article or thing contained therein, which has been so stolen, taken, embezzled, or abstracted, as herein described, knowing the same to have been stolen, taken, embezzled, or abstracted—

Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

but W.D. is innocent! just like O.J. is!

 
At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because I'm a lawyer, my first thought after I gained control of my laughing was, um isn't that a federal crime? I wonder what the staute of limitations is?

My wife (or as she prefers to be called, my reason for being) had a different reaction. After I recounted the tale to her she said, isn't it a bad idea to bait a cold-blooded killer?

I assured her that WD could take care of himself.

Besides, despite what I can only assume are hallucinations by Johnson and DT, Alizinha has it right, the whole thing is just an elaborate hypothetical WD, right?

[In evidence class we called the above question "leading the witness."]

The whole thing is an elaborate hypothetical, right WD?

In the tradition of satirists like Jonathan Swift and Ambrose Bierce, right, WD?

Ok, maybe Walt Kelly and Jules Pfeiffer?

Alfred E. Neumann?

C'mon, work with me here.

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger Rachelle said...

This is fucking hilarious. I laughed the whole way through. Nice work.

 
At 1:00 AM, Blogger kate said...

Yeah but F. Lee...know what's worse than stealing mail? Stabbing two people.

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger Dayngr said...

Comic genius

 
At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm jealous. That sounds like it could make for some fun drunken phone calls....I can only imagine the possibilities....

 
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous cedar said...

This needs to be a scene in the movie about your life.

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Johnson -I hears him and his massive head were there on Halloween.

Ali - I didn't think NOrdberg was all that funny.

DT - Hypotheticlaly if all this had happened, yeah, I tinhk we may have tried that in Butte.

Non-Anon - 2 hours and 16 minutes. But you're close

FLB - I tried to find the California statute for double murder but it took me too long.

Allson - And I spend the rest of my life trying to find the real theives of OJ's mail.

David - Of course it is. Just like OJ's book.

Rachelle - Being there was twice as funny.

Kate - OJ might disagree.

Dayngr - Genius? Thanks. I never thought my life was all that funny.

Bdash - The key is restraint, though. Otherwise he changes his number.

Cedar - Get on that production team and I"ll see who we can cast as OJ.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Freckle Face Girl said...

Now, that is a good OJ story. :)

 
At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would love too. It happens. OJ is the most classless scumbag in Florida and that is saying A LOT. Those late night calls were made to either his drug dealer or his escort service.

Remember, if the glove don't fit...

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Sofi said...

White Dade, you are brilliant!

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger aikin said...

A day late again, but I had to comment since I actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD at this line. And that doesn't happen every day with stuff I read online!

"we figured he must have been out on a late night search for the real killers. And by “real killers” of course, I mean strippers and cocaine."

 

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