Thursday, November 30, 2006

Law School: Residual Career Path for The Directionless

Let’s say you are in your senior year of undergrad. You’ve been keg-standing it away for the past 7 semesters and now it is slowly dawning on you that your days of ice-luges and 19-year-old girls are over. The real world is calling you in from playtime like mom used to for dinner, and the only option staring you in the face is 45 years of waking up before the sun comes out and fighting traffic to sit at a desk. So what are you going to do? That sociology major may have come in handy for the eight guys on the football team being drafted in the first round, but most of the finer marketing firms and I-banks in your hometown don’t exactly fight over guys with a 3.1 and a major that nobody can describe. Including yourself. And you definitely don’t want the party to end, but how do you keep it going?

Or maybe you took some job out of college just to get your parents off your back, using your major less often than you use your VCR and complaining about it on a daily basis. It pays only slightly more than waiting tables at Chili’s, and even that is barely making the rent you split with your four roommates. It is beginning to dawn on you how impossible it is to get laid after college (at least by anything under 35 years and/or 200 pounds) without some serious loot. You need to start making money, and fast, or you may be dooming yourself to 45 years at an unrewarding job and an even more unrewarding sex life. But how do you go from making less than the guy serving you the scotch you drown your sorrows in to owning a condo, a flatscreen and a PS3?

Yes, kids, the answer is simple: Law School. Just watch TV, all those lawyers are rich and good looking. It seems like every lawyer you know is driving a brand new German car and dating a brand-new German girlfriend. What exactly do lawyers do all day? Who cares! They make money, that’s what they do. They have careers is what they do! Are they happy? Of course they are, look at all the money they’re making! How could they not? What’s that? I’m supposed to actually be interested in law? I’m supposed to want to research precedents and write appeals? Pshaw! I’ve seen Boston Legal. All they do is fuck hot divorce clients and smoke cigars on the roof.

Try working 60 hour weeks researching minute technicalities that, if you are successful, will free a likely-guilty child molester. Try writing 100 page appeals for some convoluted business deal that went wrong where neither party really deserves to win. And if you’re lucky, they’ll give you more work. If not, you’ll be fired. Sound like fun? If it does, then you are on the right path. Is the money good? I suppose, but then factor in that your new “friends” make a lot more than you so $5 pitcher night is not going to be so much their idea of a good time as the $14 martini bar. Oh yeah, and there’s that issue of the $140,000 you owe to that institution named on your JD.

Of all the people I know who’ve gone on to law school, you know how many I know who actually wanted to be lawyers? 1. And that’s my sister, who’s mother is a lawyer. And if her mom had been a street walking whore for a year, my sister would have somehow found a way to work that into her life plan. The rest? They just had nothing better to do so they took the LSATs. Maybe they will be successful and maybe they will live happy fulfilling lives. Or so they will tell you. Until then, it’s 3 more years of endless studying followed by several more years of endless workdays. Have fun with that, kids. You know where to find me.

28 Comments:

At 11:07 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I'm first!! I've never been able to say that--even with a chick!!!

 
At 11:14 PM, Anonymous Rachel said...

I can't imagine choosing a career when you know that the majority of people will hate you.
Lawyers, IRS agents, traffic cops just to name a few.

 
At 2:56 AM, Blogger Captain Caveman said...

The street-smart directionless ones go for MBAs. Two years instead of three, the money is just as good (or better), and the workload is a shit-ton easier.

But if you really know what you're doing, you get paid to blog. Hooray masturbation breaks!

 
At 8:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't agree with you at all. The only comment I have about attorneys is that trial lawyers are out of control and major tort reform is needed.

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger Shawn said...

You haven't even gotten to the best part - if you did not manage to be in the top 2% of your law school class (or go to a top school and be in the top 2% in some cities) you will struggle to find a job that pays more than what you could have made without the degree in the first place!!

 
At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! i love the new picture. i choked on my banana nut muffin laughing over it.

 
At 9:57 AM, Anonymous DF said...

captain caveman, its tough to get into a top B-school that will lead to an opportunity in IB, Private Equity, or a Hedge Fund were the money eclipses anything you would make from a law degree. Why anyone would go into law is beyond me because you don't make big money until you make partner which takes like 10+ years after law school, working 100 hours a week. If you go to a top B-school though, the two years you put into it definately pay off but take it from me, the hours can be pretty crazy too but you don't have to wait 10 years to see good money.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger grungedave said...

Well, shit, an article written just for me!

(as I'm 4 years removed from law school, make decent money, have a job at a firm I like... and I still get to read this blog - and many others - during the day!)

 
At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep, you're right. Most of us have no idea why we came to law school, it sucks for three years and then so does being a lawyer. What fueled this post?

 
At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Not related to the post, but as a UM fan, it's painful to see that Shockey clip that Caveman has as his avatar. It's right up there with the shot of Bernie Kosar on the bench laughing it up and probably getting ready to get some cheap beer and hit on a belt-winner at The Tavern right before the Hail Flutie play.

 
At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Not related to the post, but as a UM fan, it's painful to see that Shockey clip that Caveman has as his avatar. It's right up there with the shot of Bernie Kosar on the bench laughing it up and probably getting ready to get some cheap beer and hit on a belt-winner at The Tavern right before the Hail Flutie play.

 
At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that a pic of you DADE on your blog? WTF?

 
At 12:30 PM, Anonymous cedar said...

Too true. And I know at least one person who lapsed back into some pretty severe anorexia (believe me, even you would be scared by how thin she was) from the pressures of law school. No thank you. Plus, I'd make a shitty lawyer. Although I was head lawyer in Mr. Louie's class, which resulted in me slapping Zach Bennett in front of his dad. But that's another story.
I just realized though, I don't know what it is you do?

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

First off, the Caveman clip is sweet, as the Seahawks won that game.

Second, Dade forgets to mention that his Dad, Mom, uncle, step mom are all lawyers and he has gotten his fair share of "Are you going to be a lawyer too?" questions. I agree though, I think the only benefit of a law school education would be adding 'esquire' to your name. You gotta love the ring of that. "ANON1, Esquire" or "Drunk and Fat Mormon Joe, Esquire" See what I mean?

 
At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dade, what happened to your genes? What kind of a freak mutation was that? You come from a family of lawyers, but you choose personal training as a profession (the whoring and the drinking are getting pretty close, though)

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Chris said...

There's film school as well. "Hey! I like movies! I can watch movies for homework, it'll be fun!" Then you graduate and struggle finding work as a PA on the set of industrial & training videos with 40-something hack camera men. Ah, the future. So many pointless options in life.

 
At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Pete Dunn said...

Sheesh, I wish I had thought of that before I toiled away for 4 years only to get half-way though a degree in freaking MUSICAL THEATER!

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

"If the baby Jesus looked like White Dades new picture, would we be celebrating Christmas?"

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too bad we're concentrating only on grad degrees here. Cause undergrad degrees for the directionless are also interesting. I'd say psychology seems to be the most popular (and useless) one.

 
At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and WD, now that you've gotten brave enough to post your picture, I have no idea why you didn't go into law. The money you could make (especially as part of the Jewish law mafia) would definitely make up for that face.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

Dude- why is Kluber your new avatar? Have you switched teams and started dating him??

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Angel - Congratulaiotns. Not quite sure what you win, but congratualtions.

Rachel - Neither can I

CC - How did you manage that one?

Anon1 - Personally, I tinhk the probate lawyers are out of control.

Shawn - I had to keep the piece short

gen - You do know that's not me, right?

DF - Thank you for that clarification

Grungedave - Well, I guess there are always exceptions

MOBlond - A lot of things fueled it. Mostly people I know in Law School for no reason.

Johnson - Whty is that painful?

Anon1 -Oh Hell the fuck no, that's not me. I'll explain the pic to you this weekend.

Cedar - I'd have made a good Louie Lawyer, though. then I dropped the class, had to retake it senior year with the guy who got me to enlist in the Marines and, ah shit, the chain of events.....

Joe - Trez Bloodnut III, esquire? you lke the new pic, Joe?

IC - It tought me what NOt to do

Chris - Tell that to my ex who went there. I still laugh at her

Pete - And what exactly are you doing with that?

Joe - Absolutely not

IC - See that guy in the new picture? he majored in psychology. And, no, it is definitely not me!

Ash - It;s not Klueber either. Although he may start playing for the other team this week at DCJ. NOt quite sure.

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Cliff said...

Funny post. As it did eat up the 5 minute break I am taking from studying Contracts. The irony here though after thorougly explaining what a horrible option it is, seems to be that it was only a few months ago that you were looking to take the LSAT as well. The temptation is strong is strong ain't it? Anyhoo, hope you're enjoying the outside world, meanwhile I'll be in this library hoping that in a few years the letters J.D. after my name will be good enough to attract enough ass to catch up to you. Or I could go to the gym again, but this got me out of work for a few years. Say hi to Alan Jackson for me.

 
At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Pete Dunn said...

Heading up the web development team for an ad agency, of course...

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

I like being a lawyer. Except for this very minute, where I'm going to have to get "creative" to try to get an eviction dismissed.

 
At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whether I'm supposed to be a lawyer for the rest of my life or not, I actually enjoyed law school (except for the first semester). There's something to be said for spending three years with interesting, intelligent people, being intellectually challenged, and of course, the lovely schedule of being a student (naps).

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger MonkeyPants said...

Your days of 19 year old girls may be over, but ice luges are forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8N8lBL7Qv0&eurl=

 
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