Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Learning What It's Like to Fuck Yourself

It really is amazing the things you can learn on the internet. Today I learned there is a mathematical formula for beer goggles, the age of consent in Peru, how to make a Molotov cocktail and, oh, yeah, what it’s like to have sex with me. That's right, somewhere out there on the 'net there is someones account of having sex with me. White Dade. you can imagine my surprise while goign throught my usual internet motions of updating my fantasy football team and replying to death-threat emails when I stumbled upon a rather lengthy account written by someone I slept with a while back. Now, the funny thing about most sexual encounters, at least the random, arbitrary kind that I like to talk about, is that you really never know exactly what the other person was thinking. Like you are never quite sure whether or not they slept with you because of how you looked, what you said, how you smelled, or just because they’d done a few too many shots of Patron. Although I generally like to think that last one is never true. Rarely do you get any sort of feedback on your performance, and even less often do you get any sort of insight into your partner’s thought process. Oh, but that is why internet is just so much damn fun.

This is not something I am used to, having a girl talk about me in that way in a public forum, but I can’t say I didn’t find it at least a little bit flattering. Since she didn’t say anything particularly awful, probably figuring that at some point I would find it. So, thanks. But what I found especially interesting is that while there is some mention of me, the gist of the post is her talking about herself and her own perceived sexual inadequacies.

This girl had heard stories about a lot of the truly talented women I’d been with (many of which she thought were made up) and I guess felt like she didn’t measure up. Well, as any reader of this blog knows I haven’t exactly been re-enacting 9 ½ weeks in my bedroom of late, but even given my recently extremely low standards for excellence, she was actually pretty good. Of course this is not what she thought.

What I found most interesting was that this girl talked almost exclusively about her own sexual performance, and, more importantly, how terrible she thought it was. This is surprising because I often think performance is more critiqued of the male and not the female, and most girls don’t really think about whether they’re good or bad but whether or not they look good.

This was sort of an eye-opener for me. Do girls really pay that much attention to their own performance during sex, to the point that they more or less discount yours? Like, as I read this post, there was nary a mention of anything I did (and maybe that’s because I was terrible and she didn’t want to write about it to offend me) but more about why she thought she was bad. I really hope this is not the case. But I guess we are all really that self-centered ,aren’t we? And now I know that a lot of times when I sleep with a girl what I do is neither here nor there, and most of her memories will be of what she did and not me. Kind of sad, really, but at the same time kind of a relief.

I also learned that I am not only attractive but have some sort of confidence that’s totally hot. Now, the first part I understand. But the second? One thing I have never thought of myself as was “confident.” Like I pretty much assume girls are just talking to me to get free drinks, and even if they stick around it’s only because they think I look good. I remember calling the girl who wrote this thing for a second “date” and saying something like “Uh, yeah, is this too late to call you? I mean, I totally understand if you don’t want to come over since I said I’d call you a lot earlier. I hate when people do that to me. I’m sorry.” Not exactly brimming with self-assurance, is it? But I guess the way we perceive ourselves and the way others see us is often not the same thing.

But past all the talk about me, it really is amazing the things you can learn by surfing the internet. I never thought I’d get an honest account of the other side of having sex with me, but given that this is the information age I guess I shouldn’t’ be surprised. Happy Thanksgiving , everyone! Make sure you fill up on Turkey, Mashed Dick, dick sauce, Dick Pie, and whatever else your little hearts desire.


At 6:28 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

wait, did she use your real name or a nickname?

At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The same thing happened to me once, although it was more about his analysis of my performance than his. But interesting point. Yes, women do, indeed, care about our own sexual performance. Or at least I do. Beyond looking good, I want to know that what I am doing is pleasing him and that at that moment he was not wishing he was with someone else. I think it's just as important for a girl as it is for a guy to be thought of as good in bed, although maybe for different reasons. We have egos to feed too, you know.

At 8:21 PM, Blogger Jaime said...

I'm sure there are plenty of women who are also concerned with body issues, but yes, we are definitely wondering if we are doing well, if you're enjoying yourself, if we rate among the best you've had. I personally don't obsess about it to the point of writing a blog post, but I also don't want to ever get a reputation as a bad lay.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger aikin said...

that's pretty interesting. You realize, now I'm going to spend most of Thanksgiving trying to remember names and Googling girls I've been with to see if any of them have taken their private lives public.

At 1:42 AM, Blogger Dayngr said...

What?! No link to the post?

At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must take advantage of excellent people-stalking and googling skills, now...

Seriously though, it won't be as interesting since she wrote mostly about her own performance. And my guess is that if he was terrible she would've mentioned it, so he must've been at least adequate.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Happy Thanksgiving!!
Wow, you are pretty famous!! Other stories about you on the net.

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is surprising because I often think performance is more critiqued of the male and not the female, and most girls don’t really think about whether they’re good or bad but whether or not they look good.

You begin this statement with "I think" and so I thought it safe to read all of this as suggested though, but the way in which you finished your thought is as though it is fact. Why are you so certain of this thought?

Why would a woman only be concerned with the way she looks, why wouldn't a woman think about her performance? Do you find a there to be a purpose for women in sex; to be "attractive" (whatever it is you think that means) and serve the man's perscribed need for an "attractive" woman and disregard her right to gain pleasure from the experience? It appears that you find sex to be a man's opportunity to satisfy himself and a woman's part is void and is there just to serve the man.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger la commissioner said...

i'm of the opinion that the more a woman is truly into sex, the more she'll judge your performance. the more she's into you liking her or trying to impress you, the more she'll critique herself.

At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

la commissioner,
Not necessarily true. I always critique my performance, regardless of my feelings for the guy. We all want to be the best and at times feel a bit insecure about our bodies and sexual skills. Although I agree that the guy always gets a bit of critiqing as well.

At 10:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always think about my performance. Not once have I thought about how I look, honestly. It seems completely illogical to me - the way you look doesn't change during sex. You look the same you looked when you met the guy and were chatting with him.

At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, she felt that you were special enough to post about the experience so I would consider it a compliment. Now, if only I could get Jada, Jaime and IC to join me in a foursome my life would be complete.

At 3:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't find the idea of FFM threesomes, or FFFM foursomes appealing, unless one the Fs is Angelina Jolie, or Scarlett Johannsson, or Monica Belucci, or Madonna (wow, that mowan is amazing, and she has what I consider a perfect body), or one certain person...

Sorry buddy, I prefer MMF threesomes.

At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not "mowan", woman!
Yes, I had to fix it, I'm that obsessive when it comes to grammar and spelling.

Anon1, and being in a MMF threesome where the guys were into each other as well (so a bisexual MMF threesome) ranks pretty high on my list of things to try.

At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, IC, I don't ever plan on seeing another man naked during a sexual encounter.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto dayngr's comment

At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, very interesting. i thought you of all people would be able to notice sarcasm.
i really don't think i am bad at all, but since you've been around the block (quite) a few times i just assumed no one could live up to whatever pie in the sky standards you might or might not have. because of this, you can surely bet your performace was critiqued. no worries about that!

as for "looking good" well you know well enough that i wasn't even thinking about that until you started pointing random shit out that (as it would with any normal person) made me uncomfortable. would i really have been walking around naked and such if i was uncomfortable with my body?

& no, we are not all self- centered and constantly thinking of ourselves.

i do apprecaite this post as well (such a treat to stumble across) because it was such an eye- opener for me.

- misrepresented blogger

At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have to point a few things out.

one, of course women are insecure and worried about our performance - just like we're worried about being thin enough, attractive enough, etc. it's not about being self-centered; it's about pleasing who we're with.

and a lot of that, as usual, stems from having to listen to guys go on and on about what they've done and whom they've been with.

GUYS: If you've been deep-throated by every girl you date, and you really care about the girl you're going with now, don't brag about how good the other girls were. Would you like it if a girl told you her ex-boyfriends all had huge cocks and were maestros in bed? Care about the woman you are with NOW, not three years ago. And not in your porn tapes.

At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

gI have a ginormous penis so girls never tell me they have seen bigger.

Put it this way, a girl telling me I suck in bed is like Manute Bol telling Michael Jordan he sucks in baskteball.


At 12:35 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Totally unrelated, but I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving, Dade.

Oh and I actually thought of your blog when I saw "Casino Royale". James Bond was in Miami, and there was a taxi that read "Miami Dade".

At 2:40 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Ash - Nickname. you've read it. don't worry.

Anon - More women need ot adopt your attitiude.

Jaime - Who does, really?

Aikin - They'd have to use their real names, though.

Dayngr - That would be a violation of her privacy. If you'd like the link, email me.

IC - I believe "not awful" were her exact words.

Angel - Happy Thnaksgiving to you too? Well ,I' m not mentioned by name, jsut a psuedonym. Altohugh I guess my real name would have worked too since so few people know it.

Anon - Oh, you could not be MORE wrong. I tinhk sex is an equal thing completely, and I tinhk more women shoudl concecern themselves with their performance becasue I do a lot. Like if a girl isn't into it, I consdier the sex realyl bad. And that is shared fault.

LC - That was a dman enlightening comment and I tinhk spot on. Thank you.

mm - As well we should.

IC- I'm guessing you're probably pretty good in bed, then.

Anon1 - Tha'ts not very Roman catholic Republican of you, is it?

IC - Wow. That is one line I actually do draw. I've done two or three guys on one girl, but we never even came clost to touchign each other. A gangbang is one thing but that other shit is just flat out gay.

David - Ditto my response.

Misinterpted Blogger - THis comment vastly contradicts the emial you sent me. Tha'ts more of that sarcasm stuff, huh?

Tara - thank you, tara! I touhhgt you were oging to say you thought of me when that new, ripped bond walked out of the water showing off his well-chiseled chest. But I'll settle for a taxi cab.

At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD, it makes sense for you to draw that line because you're straight. I wouldn't want two straight guys awkwardly touching each other. I honestly would enjoy doing a bisexual MMF threesome, where every single participant would be into all the other ones equally as much. Same with a FFM threesome - if the girls are not into each other, then it's normal sex compressed into a shorter time frame - boring.

And since you're into equal enjoyment of sex (which I respect a lot, btw), you can probably relate to my point. Almost every straight guy who wants a threesome with two girls would want them to have sex with each other (guys liking to watch lesbians also falls into this category). So I'm the same, except the male-female roles are reversed because I'm a female.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Jada said...

I like the idea of completeing someone's life. I also like threesomes. It's all good.

At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL That is Krazy Funny!

At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First time reader, loving this blog overall and this post as well!

I gotta say that for me, its really all about the female. Im very giving I guess. Perhaps its bcuz I know that eventually Im gonna get my rocks off, so I want to make sure she does first, or a few times for that matter. I agree that mentioning former sex partners is always a step in the wrong direction cuz it causes too much thinking. I dont like to think, I like to feel...



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