Thursday, December 14, 2006

It's Christmas, Don't Buy Me Shit

I am not a big fan of Christmas for a lot of reasons. Many will say its because I’m Jewish, but these people forget that my Dad is actually not and I spend most Christmas’ with him. So there goes that theory. Similarly, Christmas is more about sales and Santa in this country than it is about Christ, so, no, it is not that aspect that bothers me much at all. What I really hate about Christmas is the fucking presents.

Just because it’s December you don’t need to give me anything despite what the good people at Jared might say. On my birthday, yes, you do, but Christmas? Please do me a favor and leave me off your list. I don’t have a computer, so don’t get me an iPod or any computer games. My DVD player doesn’t work, so don’t get me any of those. I don’t do gadgets, I don’t cook anymore, and I only read fiction. Most things I want I buy for myself. So please leave the gifts you give “just for the thought” on the shelf. I’m not giving you any thought, so please don’t give me any. You know what being really thoughtful would be? Not buying me a goddam thing.

See, here’s what happens when you buy me something: Since you decided it was mid-December and that I needed a gift, something I neither wanted nor needed but something you felt compelled by TV ads to get me, I am now required to get something for you. Lest I look like a cheap Jew. So now I have to go out to a crowded store, deal with all the people and their obnoxious little brats looking for presents, and shop for something that I don’t even know you want. Had you not bought me anything, I would not be obligated to do this and could live through December just like any other month. But no, you had to go and fuck that up for me and make me feel bad. Thanks a lot.

My theory on presents is simple: If it isn’t perfect, don’t even bother. For instance, if I knew you were a HUGE Louisville football fan, I would probably get you Orange Bowl tickets. Or if I knew you loved Bob Seger, I might get you his latest CD. But if all I know is that you have a cat and like to drink, well what the fuck am I supposed to do? Get you a bottle of wine? Yeah, that’s fucking original. Why waste the money on something that will receive nothing more than a milk toast response?

Furthermore, most years I am not really in a financial position to be spending $500 or more on gifts for people. So basically, in order for me to get a bunch of shit I don’t want, I have to scrimp on food, alcohol and dietary supplements so I can buy shit for other people. Fuck that. I usually end up getting about the same value of gifts that I end up spending money on, but I really could have used that cash to buy myself things I wanted instead of what other people thought they should give. So if it’s all coming out as a wash anyway, how about I don’t buy you shit, you don’t buy me shit, and we all go home happy and not stressed out.

I haven’t gone “Christmas Shopping” in several years. A couple of years ago I gave my whole family orthopedic pillows. Last year I gave my sister money and she bought everything. This year, I’m not going home for the Holidays which means I don’t have to buy shit. If they want to UPS my presents to my apartment in Little Havana and have the Haitians across the street take it and put in on the next boat to Port-Au-Prince, then that is on them. I didn’t ask you for anything, so don’t give me anything. Let’s make this a holiday we can all enjoy and spend that gift money on someone who will really appreciate it, namely yourself.


At 12:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn't the Jews kill Jesus?

At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And call me greedy but I will take as much as I can get for Christmas. My grandma gave me 10K once for Christmas when I was 9.

At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Playtah said...

WD, that makes sense, but at the same time, when I give a gift, I don't usually expect one in return. I like to get things for people for no reason other than to surprise them. Maybe if someone gives you a gift, you could just write a nice thank you note, or buy them a drink next time you're out with them. Just a thought. And I don't want you to screw yourself out of gifts. :)

ANON1--actually, I think asphyxiation killed Jesus :)

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I finally wised up and this year I bought the happily married couples just one happily single gift they can happily share. Cookies.

The only ones who are a pain to shop for anymore are the kids, because I'll be damned if I'm getting them any video games that'll put a huge dent in my finances. Aside from that, I like Christmas.

Oh and Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and all that crap. :D

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Jada said...

I'm sick of all the fucking haters hating on the holidays. Bits and pieces of it are tiresome and annoying [Christmas music, anyone?] but in general I love it and I adore the cookies. I like the presents, too. Happy Holidays, haters!

Oh and WD, didn't you get the memo? You can't say "Cheap Jew" anymore without setting off a whole shit storm. I did recently on my blog and some PC little bitches from Berkley and such went into crazy, frothing at the mouth mode. Just thought I'd give you the heads up.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

WD - Awww. You have feelings. You feel guilt. That's sweet. I, too, hate receiving presents. Because then I, too have to buy things for other people, when I'd rather be buying things for myself.

ANON 1 - I'm pretty sure it was the I-Talians who killed Jesus, the Jews just narked on him for being a troublemaker and a rabble-rouser.

And Jada - us Jews can call ourselves Cheap. Goyim can't. (Like once when my Ex called me a "Cheap, Greedy Jew" and it... didn't go over so well...) It's like African-Americans with the "N" word. They can do it, no one else can.

At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD, I promise I won't get you anything for Christmas this year. You can hold me to that.

At 4:09 PM, Blogger Jada said...

Superbee, I am a Jew and I still took a beating for saying "cheap Jew" which is beyong ridiculous.

At 4:29 PM, Blogger SuperBee said...

Oh. You're right. That is beyond ridiculous. Ridonkulous, even. I hope you gave those fugly little JAPS (wait...Berkley? Er...Crunchy Newton and Brookline Bitches) what for.

At 4:47 PM, Anonymous The Diabolical said...


At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The thing is for this cheap jew, I'll just keep the money in the bank and not splurge on anything. Gifts are the only times I get to be spoiled.

At 6:00 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Too bad Dade you're getting something. I have to make up for the countless meals at Taco Del Mar and Taco Bell somehow. Other then that, yeah, you's a cheap jew. But the same can be said for Mormons. Granted they usually have thirty kids to support while the Jew has two or a few. Merry Christmas you half jew you, meeeeeeeerrrrry Christmas.

PS - Don't forget, Joshua was a jew.

At 6:38 PM, Blogger Johnny said...

Totally agree that the rush for gifts is out of control. My family just gives minor stuff mostly, it's more about being together and being Italian, the food. Happy Christmakwanzaakah to everyone. My dad's Jewish but I'm amazed how many bloggers are Jewish. I had no idea.

At 8:32 PM, Blogger aikin said...

I agree - mainly for reasons I don't want to get into here. Christmas hasn't been at the top of my holiday list since I was about 10 years old.

I'm here in Fla., it's 80 degrees, I have no local family. I say "F" the whole thing. It's even less like xmas than usual.

At 9:02 PM, Blogger B-Brod said...

Now Thanksgiving... now there's a holiday I can get behind. It's all 100% about the food (and being together I guess). The entire night before is devoted to prep, the day itself is devoted to cooking and then starting dinner around 4 pm.
No presents, no guilt, just food and football. I ask you, could a better day be possible?

But as for Christmas – other than being an nationally recognized excuse to get out work, It’s a nice way to show how much money you make to your family and friends by buying them expensive presents. But if that’s not your flavor, you could always take your friends out to do something instead of buying them stuff.

Spend the cash on an activity that you both would enjoy – rent a jet ski for a few hours with your girl and have pick nick waiting on some cove in the keys, or take your buds out for a few drinks or something.

Nice pic of scrooge McDuck by the way – that takes me back

At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh SNAP. and i had something picked out for you and ready to send....

i seriously fucking hate christmas. my MO is generally to get drunk and/or take several muscle relaxers to make it through the day or 2 i have to spend with everyone celebrating a holiday that soley exists to override the pagan holidays that were there first. (jesus was born in the summer, douchebags!)

At 11:58 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Hey, BBrod, weren't we just talking about duck tales? OOOOO oooo

High School hoops is on, well, as long as it doesn't conflict with work.

At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, a Christmas misanthrope piece. How. Fucking. Original.!

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Steve said...

WD, Your logic makes sense. I only wish I could carry the "No Presents" policy through to it's extreme and total conclusion. To date, I have only been able to have a policy of "Containment." Mom and Dad get a gift. One of my Brothers or Sisters gets a gift (Secret Santa) and my Finacee gets a Gift. 4 Transactions and dollar limits apply to all. No male friends get any gifts per mutual agreement. (Also no female friends get gifts either. Can't make my future wife jealous. SCORE!) I do agree that Christmas is too commerical. (Doesn't Charlie Brown make this point every year?) Hopefully your readers and yourself will be able to limit the damage.

At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are some seriously messed up people who comment on this blog.

At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are some seriously messed up people who comment on this blog.

At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

F that, I'll take all the Xmas presents I can get, especially ones in the form of $$$. I like to give gifts too, but I usually stick to family and maybe a broad or 2 and maybe my boss and thats it. You gotta make out on the plus side, as in receiving more than giving... As Cartman said, "Presents...focus on the presents..."

In a related story, I really f-ing hate going to the mall during the holidays. Last week, I almost went postal on a non-english speaking asshole. I found a woman walking to her car, asked if she was leaving, and she said she just had to get the stroller in teh car. So I put the turn signal on to claim my spot and wait... She leaves and this fuckin asshole in his jalopy 4 seater with 6 people packed in decides to try and take the spot! He's got his nose in and Im laying on the horn and yelling "NO FUCKIN WAY!" Of course, he doesnt understand a word Im fucking saying... So, I exit the vehicle while slowly repeating "easy dude, easy!" in my head so I dont go overboard. I assertively tell him to "Please dont be an asshole, I was waiting for this spot for 5 minutes" and he replies "I park!" Thats about the time where I lost it. I told him that he is whats wrong with this country and hawked a nice purple loogie (Thanks 50/50 Vitaminwater!) on his front windsheild and back driver's side window as he watched in horror and started yelling in spanish. I guess I kinda felt bad when I got a spot about 3 seconds later, but fuck it, Im tired of that shit.

At 12:21 PM, Anonymous cedar said...

Are you coming home for New Years? I might be having a party.
I don't give physical presents any more--I just get people restaurant gift certificates at places they'll enjoy. It works exceptionally well. Or I do the activity thing, like Ben mentioned.

At 3:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know it's really "milquetoast," right?

At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Rachel said...

Shoot, what I am going to do with the menora christmas tree ornament that I got you? It doesn't match the theme on my tree.

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

milk toast?

At 4:28 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Anon1 - And damn proud of it.

Playtah - Good idea, one I have incorporated myself.

Tara - Thank you, I like the cookei idea.

Jada - A lot of people like the holidays. I tinhk it is in the nature of people who write excessviely on the internet to not be quite as jolly, though.

Superbee - Buying things for yourself is the truem eaning of Christmas.

El Ranito - greatest gift one can give.

Diabolical - Thank you

Jader - So you will receive but not give? Awesome!

Joe - Well, thanks Jow. Maybe another funyn and extremely offensive T-shirt? I do love those.

Johnny - YOu're surprised at that? Perhaps it has to do with how many are in New york.

Aikin - NOrtherners are alwys shocked at the light-adorned palm tress donw here. That's what Chrsitmas is to be: The Beach.

Ben - I am a huge thanksgiving person as well. Much better holdiay, and Jews can enjoy it too.

Gen - Hmmm. I can only guess what that present might have been.

Anon - I've been ranting about a lot of things for over a year and this is my first one on Chrsitmas. For me, that's original.

Steve - Charlie Brown makes more sense of every Holiday than anybody else does. goddam nChrles Shultz was a fucking genius.

Blind - WOW! you make some of my tirades seem like minor complaints. Nice job!

Cedar - No, I will not be back in tha 206 until February. Why would I leave Miami for New Yeears?

Anon - Thank you for the correction. I realyl do learn shit in here every day.

Rachel - Donate it to your local Jewish Federation.


Post a Comment

<< Home