It's Christmas, Don't Buy Me Shit
I am not a big fan of Christmas for a lot of reasons. Many will say its because I’m Jewish, but these people forget that my Dad is actually not and I spend most Christmas’ with him. So there goes that theory. Similarly, Christmas is more about sales and Santa in this country than it is about Christ, so, no, it is not that aspect that bothers me much at all. What I really hate about Christmas is the fucking presents.
Just because it’s December you don’t need to give me anything despite what the good people at Jared might say. On my birthday, yes, you do, but Christmas? Please do me a favor and leave me off your list. I don’t have a computer, so don’t get me an iPod or any computer games. My DVD player doesn’t work, so don’t get me any of those. I don’t do gadgets, I don’t cook anymore, and I only read fiction. Most things I want I buy for myself. So please leave the gifts you give “just for the thought” on the shelf. I’m not giving you any thought, so please don’t give me any. You know what being really thoughtful would be? Not buying me a goddam thing.
See, here’s what happens when you buy me something: Since you decided it was mid-December and that I needed a gift, something I neither wanted nor needed but something you felt compelled by TV ads to get me, I am now required to get something for you. Lest I look like a cheap Jew. So now I have to go out to a crowded store, deal with all the people and their obnoxious little brats looking for presents, and shop for something that I don’t even know you want. Had you not bought me anything, I would not be obligated to do this and could live through December just like any other month. But no, you had to go and fuck that up for me and make me feel bad. Thanks a lot.
My theory on presents is simple: If it isn’t perfect, don’t even bother. For instance, if I knew you were a HUGE
Furthermore, most years I am not really in a financial position to be spending $500 or more on gifts for people. So basically, in order for me to get a bunch of shit I don’t want, I have to scrimp on food, alcohol and dietary supplements so I can buy shit for other people. Fuck that. I usually end up getting about the same value of gifts that I end up spending money on, but I really could have used that cash to buy myself things I wanted instead of what other people thought they should give. So if it’s all coming out as a wash anyway, how about I don’t buy you shit, you don’t buy me shit, and we all go home happy and not stressed out.
I haven’t gone “Christmas Shopping” in several years. A couple of years ago I gave my whole family orthopedic pillows. Last year I gave my sister money and she bought everything. This year, I’m not going home for the Holidays which means I don’t have to buy shit. If they want to UPS my presents to my apartment in Little Havana and have the Haitians across the street take it and put in on the next boat to