Pregnancy is Just a Stomach Virus Waiting to Be Cured
Legalized abortion, for my money, was the single greatest social advance of the 20th century. Some may argue for the automobile, the computer or maybe even the birth control pill, but I believe that legal, easy abortion has done more to help society than any of these things. The vast majority of our domestic social problems can be traced to unwanted children. Crime, welfare, poverty, unemployment, divorce, all of these problems and many others would be solved if people only had kids when they wanted and could afford them. Which is why I always feel like rear-ending some sense into those morons with the goddmaned Florida License plates that say “Choose Life” on them. No, mamn, choosing life will only hurt our state, do you understand that? Middle-class married women in their thirties driving Lexus' like you don’t get abortions. Poor unemployed teenagers do. And them having kids does nothing to help our society AT ALL.
I consider myself a metropolitan republican. That is a Republican in the sense of a Rudy Giuliani or an Arnold Schwarzenegger (both pro-choice). I, like few faith-blinded Republicans, realize that less poor single moms means less money going to welfare, less crime and less poverty. And it costs the government absolutely nothing. What’s more Republican than cutting social costs without spending money? Exactly. I am not pro-choice, people. I am pro-abortion. I think we need to have more and I encourage every female I know who is not in a financial position to support a child to terminate her pregnancy immediately. Because otherwise I, and everyone else, will end up paying for it.
But here is my big question: Say you are a single twenty-something female just starting out her career with her whole life ahead of her and all of a sudden you fuck up and get pregnant. Why are you freaking out? Unless you live in some backwards-ass religious state like
Objectively, there is no argument against abortion. Emotionally, religiously, I suppose there are arguments, but then again if you are that religious, what the fuck are you doing having pre-marital sex anyway? Assuming you are not a devout Mormon or Catholic or Evangelical who likes to fuck, why can’t you see that a child will ruin your life? I mean, totally ruin it. Your freedom is gone, your nightlife is gone, your promiscuous dating style is gone. Hell, it even makes your career goals 100 times harder than they would be had you taken that morning trip to Planned Parenthood. Please explain to me where the upside to having a child is? And, furthermore, what’s the downside of this quick fix to a potentially life (as you know it)-ending problem? I see none.
Men are the ones who need to be scared. Once we ejaculate, we officially relinquish all control over decisions made about our sperm. Now, one might say we should have used a condom, or pulled-out, or not had sex in the first place. And one would be right. But once the damage is done, life becomes about damage control. And, unfortunately, if we don’t want that kid we are SOL. Is it fair? No, not at all, but as every feminist in my audience will say “Until you start going through childbirth, shut the fuck up.” So why men would be frightened of a pregnancy, I understand. But a female? Shit, you can have that issue dealt with and still make it in for a half-day at the office.
Before any of you jump down my throat with “You’re not a woman, you wouldn’t understand,” let me tell you about a young lady I know: She is young, extremely intelligent, attractive and not promiscuous by any stretch of the imagination. She got a 3.9 in undergrad while being president of about 15 different organizations and working several different internships. She plans to become an attorney and has just started a prestigious law school in
If you are young and promiscuous, you must believe in legalized abortion. It is your “Get out of Parenthood Free” card. Love it. Embrace it. To believe anything else is hypocritical. Otherwise, you’ll be getting a lot of late-night drunk dials from me asking if you feel better about yourself while I'm out partying and you're changing diapers. God bless abortion. I just wish others who believed in God saw it the same way.