Oh God, It's Back
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. The Miami Heat have taken one of my favorite songs, Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising” and forever defaced it by using it as the music to which they hoist their NBA title banner. For those new to the blog, I hate the Miami Heat with a passion usually reserved for teams owned by George Steinbrenner. It is not so much the Heat that I despise actually, but the hype and constant dick sucking that surrounds them. Shaq is the most dominant player ever. Wade is the best player in the NBA. Blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up.
The NBA is a travesty of a sports league. Do you know that until last year’s NBA finals there had been only one championship series since 1991 that did NOT feature a team from
What makes the NBA even more unwatchable is the fact that it is the only sport where less than one tenth of one percent of all the minutes played are actually relevant. Allow me to explain: Very few games played in the NBA are more than 7 point games halfway through the fourth quarter. No matter how bad you’re down, everyone makes a run. So, automatically, 82% of the minutes played are meaningless. But the NBA’s utter predictability makes everything up until the second round of playoffs a foregone conclusion before the season even begins.
Back when the first round was 5 games, you had a good number of upsets. The top team only got knocked off twice, but a lot of the mid-seed series ended up with the underdog winning. Now that they’ve increased them to three-week, seven game series so they can make more money? We all pretty much know who’s going to be in round 2 . So skipping ahead to round two, which we all know in the West will feature San Antonio, Dallas, Phoenix and someone else (I’m guessing Lakers), and three teams plus the Heat who will undoubtedly be handed the East By Dick Bevetta and his friends anyway, none of those series matter until game 5 (except for sweeps, which make for even less relevant minutes). Basically, there is nothing to watch until the fifth game of round two. And the last 6 minutes of each game. That’s a total of 12 possible games at 6 minutes a game. 72 minutes.
Same goes for the next round. We can put the Miami Heat in the Eastern Finals (although I’d be surprised if David Stern allows Shaq and D-Wade to be eliminated anytime before the championship round) so we’re talking maybe six games in the conference finals that matter and another three in the NBA finals if every series goes seven. That’s 54 more minutes. So, out of the whole NBA season, there are only a total of 116 minutes that actually mean anything. And that is all I am going to watch. The rest is just an eight-moth prelude.
No other sport has more meaningless time than pro basketball. No other sport has such predicable results and uses such hyperbole for its stars. The league makes me sick and I’m not voluntarily watching a single minute until those last 116. The rest is garbage and not fit for human consumption. So when the Heat are playing whatever over-hyped, star-laden team comes out of the west, you may hear from me again on the topic of NBA basketball. Until then I’m sticking to misogyny and racism. I seem to like those topics much better.