Friday, January 05, 2007

The Condom Conundrum

We all know that going out with the intentions of getting laid is perhaps the greatest form of birth control one can apply. Girls can smell your intentions like a dog smells fear and you will most likely be going home with whatever dudes you came out with. No doubt bitching about how all the girls “sucked” and every bar was a massive “stick fight.” No, sir, it is you who sucks, because you are under the impression that planning to get laid equals getting laid, which everyone knows is never the case. But today’s tirade is not about those guys who are out looking to go home with someone, but rather about the unfortunate paradox of bringing condoms to the bar.

Even if you are going out in a pair of oversized Adidas gym shorts and an old t-shirt, without shaving, fixing your hair or applying cologne after a trip to the gym, when you have a contraceptive in your pocket your mind is on getting laid. And when your mind is on getting laid, you have pretty much assuredd yourself that you will not. The intention is still there, so you have for all intents and purposes sealed your own fate before you even set foot in the bar. Between myself and all of my friends that have gone out during college, Spring Break and all points otherwise, not once has a one of us brought out a condom and gotten to use it.

However, I cannot count the number of times we have failed to bring contrqaceptives and the night ends with you wondering when the STD clinic opens. Girls certainly don’t bring condoms out, lest they be considered “sluts” by their friends, and more often than not they really don’t concern themselves with it once you past the point of no return. But that is by no means the case every time. The terrible paradox, of course, is that there are still a good number of girls who will not engage in unprotected sex with a total stranger (we call these people “people who employ good judgment”) and as such you miss out on an opportunity for a depraved, random sexual encounter. And you know I love nothing better than one of those.

In those cases you always kick yourself for not having brought condoms with you. The funny thing, though, is that had you brought condoms with you, you wouldn’t have hooked up. Do I know that for a fact? No, of course I don’t. But experience tells me that your odds would have been considerably worse had you planned on sex earlier in the night. And if you stop to get condoms on the way to wherever you are going? Well, some girls may not be alarmed, but a good portion will also freak out, exclaiming “What kind of girl so you think I am?!” as they are in a car back to your place at 4 AM. I don’t know, the kind of girl who agrees to go back to my place at 4 AM? Just a guess.

So the condom conundrum makes life a bit difficult. Yes, you could keep some in your nightstand, but what if you end up going to a motel, a back alley, or the beach? Or back to her place where she doesn’t keep any around? Then you miss out. But bring them along, and you won’t even get the opportunity. People can criticize me for having unprotected sex, but quite often it is the only option lest I jinx my chances on a given night. I am not sure if there is a solution to this furstrating paradox, and if it does exist I would love to hear it. Until then, I will begin every night with a dilemma, and will no doubt miss out on some great drunken, meaningless sex.


At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buy a box of condoms and leave them in the glove box of your car - all the time. That way you won't be thinking about the condom in your pocket and you won't seem desperate to women.
Any woman who doesn't have condoms available and is sexually active is an idiot. A woman who does is smart, not slutty.
Being sexually active and not having protection available is just asking for trouble. And gonorrhea.

At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with rachel absolutely. I was going to suggest you ALWAYS carry a condom with you. After a few days it'll stop being an issue and will stop affecting your behaviour with respect to how desperate to get laid you seem on a particular night. But she's right, the glove compartment is probably a better place than your pocket. Except for those days you don't drive to a bar because you plan on drinking... oh, sorry, forgot those don't exist.

At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heck, give a box to all of your single friends so that if you don't drive they are always available no matter who is the DD.
Some people suggest keeping in in a wallet but from what I understand they break down very quickly due to the constant heat and movement.

At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Piling on.

Condoms are not a jinx, once you stop thinking about them. They belong in the same extra shaving kit you keep in your trunk with deodorant and a change of underwear.

In the months it's cold enough to worry about rubber losing elasticity you gotta be a responsible man and carry them despite the feared jinx. But I think that imposed a greater burden on me in 1980's DC than it does on you in 2007 Miami.

And women who carry condoms are not sluts. I think they're sexy. They're certainly smart.

By the way, you only pull the whole shaving kit out in the morning if you wind up sleeping over at her house.

When you get there, you contrive a reason to go to the trunk and grab three condoms.

Walking into her house with a shaving kit is a little presumptuous, even if fucking is clearly on the agenda.

At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats why I view the car as a bad idea... Its hot here in FL and I have a buddy that has used that method and found that they break a helluvalot easier after being in the car due to the heat. I keep em in the nightstand and Ive found that most girls have em in the house somewhere too. That, or one of us will walk or drive to a gas station. That part sucks, but its worth it afterwards... If you are with a chick on your way to your place at 4am you could always say, "I need to get a soda" and stop at the gas station and pick up a bunch so she wont freak out thinking that you have assumed your getting laid. At that point though, there has already been an invisible contract signed that states that uglies are gonna be bumpin...

At 12:54 AM, Blogger Paul said...

Right on the money -- kind've like when you're all excited about the "party of the year" and it sucks, and when you're tired and your friends have to drag you out, you end up in a 3some with twin midgets.

Reminds me of a couple of my other favorites: A girl finds a condom in your pocket while playing with your shit and gets all insensed because you "came over just for sex". Or the fact that whenever a girl says, "You know we're not having sex, right? We're just gonna sleep," you're gonna score. Call it what you will, accuse guys of being animals and whatnot, but these are identifiable and repeated patterns that any guy who's on the sniff is familiar with and has to accept.

I guess there are no good answers to things like the condomdrum. We just gotta accept them and roll with the punches.

At 6:00 AM, Blogger Shodan25 said...

Every time my boys come home from college, they leave with a box of condoms. What are dads for, otherwise?

When I was young and screwing everything I could, the STDs you could get were all curable. Now, many of them are either permanent (like herpes) or fatal (like AIDS). You're nuts to go bareback until you've both been tested.

At 8:03 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

People need to get over those niceties. You're about to fuck, for pete's sake!

"What kind of girl am I?" A stupid one, if you mind that the guy is responsible enough to have condoms!

At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I brought condoms out. Now that I'm all coupled up, I don't... but I used to. If some moron wants to think I'm a slut over that.. so be it. I'd at least be a disease-free slut. In my book.. that's a good thing.

So, I'm with Rachel about the idiot thing.

At 1:10 AM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

carry them with you at all times- that way, you won't even think about having them.

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

newt, that's what I think, too (must our Canadian liberated state of mind - I kid, I kid). If a guy thinks I'm a slut, be it. I'm only interested in very open-minded, mature guys who would never have a negative reaction to a girl carrying condoms. All the ones who have an opposite view are morons, and I don't care what they think. If I guy I have a crush on has a negative reaction to me having condoms, then he immediately changes categories, from the first to the second.

At 11:04 PM, Blogger aikin said...

I agree with Rachel and keep them in the glove compartment of my car. I've unfortunately found myself once or twice in a "no glove, no love" situation. As far as heat or whatever causing damage, if you don't use them in a couple of months, throw 'em out and put some new ones in there.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

Condoms are for Sailors. Pretty Ricky hasn’t used one since Nixon was in office; he says he’s out of the “age range” of people likely to get an STD. I carry one around for a good luck charm.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger The Lone Gringa said...

i agree with all the above ladies... women who carry condoms can hardly be considered slutty. true whores have never bought a trojan in their life, count open bar as foreplay, and think pulling out is a contraceptive method. ew.

At 4:20 PM, Anonymous NotMyBaby said...

Doesn't anyone worry about getting her pregnant? If she's trashed enough to go home with me and engage in 'meaningless' sex, do I really trust her when she says she's on the pill?
Do you know how much 18 years of child support is?


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