The Condom Conundrum
We all know that going out with the intentions of getting laid is perhaps the greatest form of birth control one can apply. Girls can smell your intentions like a dog smells fear and you will most likely be going home with whatever dudes you came out with. No doubt bitching about how all the girls “sucked” and every bar was a massive “stick fight.” No, sir, it is you who sucks, because you are under the impression that planning to get laid equals getting laid, which everyone knows is never the case. But today’s tirade is not about those guys who are out looking to go home with someone, but rather about the unfortunate paradox of bringing condoms to the bar.
Even if you are going out in a pair of oversized Adidas gym shorts and an old t-shirt, without shaving, fixing your hair or applying cologne after a trip to the gym, when you have a contraceptive in your pocket your mind is on getting laid. And when your mind is on getting laid, you have pretty much assuredd yourself that you will not. The intention is still there, so you have for all intents and purposes sealed your own fate before you even set foot in the bar. Between myself and all of my friends that have gone out during college, Spring Break and all points otherwise, not once has a one of us brought out a condom and gotten to use it.
However, I cannot count the number of times we have failed to bring contrqaceptives and the night ends with you wondering when the STD clinic opens. Girls certainly don’t bring condoms out, lest they be considered “sluts” by their friends, and more often than not they really don’t concern themselves with it once you past the point of no return. But that is by no means the case every time. The terrible paradox, of course, is that there are still a good number of girls who will not engage in unprotected sex with a total stranger (we call these people “people who employ good judgment”) and as such you miss out on an opportunity for a depraved, random sexual encounter. And you know I love nothing better than one of those.
In those cases you always kick yourself for not having brought condoms with you. The funny thing, though, is that had you brought condoms with you, you wouldn’t have hooked up. Do I know that for a fact? No, of course I don’t. But experience tells me that your odds would have been considerably worse had you planned on sex earlier in the night. And if you stop to get condoms on the way to wherever you are going? Well, some girls may not be alarmed, but a good portion will also freak out, exclaiming “What kind of girl so you think I am?!” as they are in a car back to your place at 4 AM. I don’t know, the kind of girl who agrees to go back to my place at 4 AM? Just a guess.
So the condom conundrum makes life a bit difficult. Yes, you could keep some in your nightstand, but what if you end up going to a motel, a back alley, or the beach? Or back to her place where she doesn’t keep any around? Then you miss out. But bring them along, and you won’t even get the opportunity. People can criticize me for having unprotected sex, but quite often it is the only option lest I jinx my chances on a given night. I am not sure if there is a solution to this furstrating paradox, and if it does exist I would love to hear it. Until then, I will begin every night with a dilemma, and will no doubt miss out on some great drunken, meaningless sex.