Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Dividing the Bars

When you are young and void of any significant responsibilities or possessions, breakups are relatively easy. Or at least so they would seem to the outside observer. As my Dad (who has been through a couple of divorces) told my sister when she broke up with her longtime live-in boyfriend “You think this is hard? This ain’t shit. All you have to split up is a bunch of furniture and a cat.” And when no pets or plush recliners are in the picture, one would think that it would be simple to write off a toothbrush and an iron and call it a day, right?

Well, when you live in the same city as your ex, and you unfortunately happen to frequent the same social establishments, there is the extremely important issue of who gets what bars. Seems funny, I know, but at this age your social life is more or less limited to establishments who serve Old Crow and the occasional kickball game. So unfortunately your activities may become severely limited in the wake of a recent breakup. Sure you COULD just go out like you used to and hope to not run into your ex, or maybe, God forbid, act like and adult and see them without any drama. But lets be honest, when alcohol is involved the chances of that are about as good as the chances of some Marines finally finding those oh-so-elusive weapons of Mass Destruction. So what is a recently no-longer-a-couple to do when they want to avoid each other on the social scene?

I have always felt that whoever was going to the bar first should get to keep it. There are a few exceptions, like if maybe I walked into a bar once in 1999 and my ex has been going there every day since the Clinton administration ended, but usually it should be first in, last out. Similarly, if one bar usually hosts one of the parties’ social circle, then it would be wise for the other to avoid it at all costs. Lest they have drinks dumped on them, food spit in, or unwanted drinks added to their tab. Often the parties can sit down and devise nights of custody of certain bars, like “You get Murphy’s on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday, I get the rest of the week,” but this often becomes a hassle for everyone else involved. No one likes hearing “Yeah, guys, I’d love to go out with you, but Nicole has the bar tonight. Lets just stay home and watch poker!”

But what is one to do if an opportunity comes up that may throw you head-long into a confrontational situation with an ex? Like, say, the entire female promotional team for a major beer manufacturer, who happen to be spending a month at the hotel you work at, inviting you to go play beer pong at an establishment so frequented by your ex that she may or may not have named her cat after the bar. Stay home and you miss out on what promises to be, at the very worst, an evening surrounded by attractive women who will be buying you beer all night. Go out and you are immediately “that guy” saying “Hey, look at me, we broke up and now I am surrounded by attractive women buying me beer all night!” More than likely resulting in either A) your ex thinking you are a total douche bag or B) Her going home with someone else right in front of your face. Most likely both. And all this after you came to the decision to avoid all you ex’s frequent watering holes for an as-yet-undetermined period of time so as not to cause any drama. Of course, since when have I been good a that?

I have always been of the out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality when to comes to ex’s, and I like to keep it that way. But it is difficult to stop going places you like to go because you don’t want to run into her making out with some guy who is richer and better looking than you. Eventually, you both grow up and accept the fact that you are going to have to share your city's drinking establishments, but in meantime it becomes a difficult social probation. Until then, perhaps the party just has to get put on hold.

26 Comments:

At 1:43 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

I say all sports bars are hands off to the ex-bitches. And also any establishments that serve wings.

 
At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

children, cars, money I could share. Alcohol I could not. This is a heartbreaking story.

 
At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, between this, the last post, and the removal of the girlfriend post, I'd have to say you and the g/f are dunnski...

Im a "regular" at far too many bars to limit someone from going to said establishments. Plus, Im sure as hell not limiting myself due to a relationship gone awry. If it were me, seeing her out may suck, but at the same time it would be good just to get it over already. Plus, whenever I get pissed about something like that, it usually leads to me finding someone to take home, bang, and then never talk to again. And boy does that feel good on multiple levels...

 
At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe this is going to be that hard for you and your ex to pull off... don't you have enough bars in Miami to choose from?

If push comes to shove, just hold a draft. Alternate picks until you have your "roster" of bars.

 
At 3:16 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

If you're thinking of giving her The Tavern, Barricuda or Ted's Hideawa, I'm never talking to you ever again. Wild Horses we should all be able to share.

 
At 3:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aren't the bars or clubs big enough that you can both stake out your areas and avoid the others?
Most have more than one bar. Pick one and stick by it.
Let the girl be closer to the bathrooms or the dance floor. You take the one closer to the TV's or pool tables.
If there is only one bar, pick opposite sides of it.
If you do run into each other, say a brusqe hello and move on.
Better yet, bar hop!

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger The Lone Gringa said...

keep all the bars! give that bitch her rachel ray cookbook and felicity DVDs and tell her to get the fuck out of your house.

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous marywho said...

One question:
Did she maintain her no drama personality during the break up?

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

If I were the judge presiding over this custody hearing, I would take one other factor into consideration other than just who was there first - that factor is to whom does that establishment mean more?

Very subjective, I realize, but as a responsible judge who cares for the well-being of the establishment involved, I would be looking to see who frequents there more, who knows more of the other regulars there, who provides the establishment a piece of themselves, such that the place just wouldn't be the same without him or her. Who makes the bar a better place?

If one of you has been going there for three years occasionally, and the other has been going there only a year but has been there multiple times per week, knows all the bartenders, is allowed to pour their own beers during slow periods, gets a free drink every fourth or fifth round, then obviously someone has given more of herself or himself to that establishment.

Remember - don't just think of yourselves; think of the Bar's well-being. Who is the more responsible alcoholic? That person should get primary custody of the establishment, giving up a few nights a month, including two weekend nights, to the other person.

 
At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yuck. The Tavern, Barracuda, Ted's Hideaway, etc. are the bars you hold near and dear and frequent?
...
...

Wait. I don't have any bars that I frequent anymore...

What's up with that!?

That's depressing. Now I miss my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. We always had The Abbey. Or Balan's. Or Score. Or Twist. Or Finnegan's. Or the Chambers. The Room. The Delano. The Raleigh. Essentially, anywhere that served liquor, actually...

 
At 6:51 PM, Anonymous Sex & Moxie said...

I used to date a guy I worked with and woudl always be invited out to after work happy hours after I left the company. I knew he'd be there and I'd usually stay home. Know what? I always ended up missing out on a good time with friends. You two are adults. Bars are big. If you want to avpoid someone or avoid being seen by someone you can.

 
At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is not related to this post but I just wanted to say:

White Date ~ I miss your Alf avatar.

 
At 8:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me, too. Bring the sexy Alf back!

You're such kids with the bars. I had flings with two guys in my class in university, and we see each other every day (it's a small fairly specific engineering program and we have all the mandatory classes together). We all survived, and I've been very close friends with the first guy for the last 3 years.

 
At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or what about the situation where one of his friends ends up buying the bar you and your friends frequent. At least eventually (6 months-1year) you get to the point where you can be civil and adults.

 
At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Cliff said...

She hasn't claimed Bird Bowl has she? Cause that's where I draw the line...

 
At 7:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry. I forgot to post my actual question.

"say, the entire female promotional team for a major beer manufacturer, who happen to be spending a month at the hotel you work at"

Details, please. Is it something actually related to your degree (gasp)?

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger aikin said...

I go to such dives there was no argument. One way to assure being left alone, I suppose.

 
At 11:48 AM, Anonymous pod said...

Good thing I only go to one bar. The rest of the time I hang out at clubs where running into an ex isn't an issue because I can just go to the other side of the venue.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Angel - Funny as a good friend of mine once unwantedly ran into an ex a Hooters. She was not even working there.

DMB - I know

BM - You would be correct. And taking someone home is so much easier said than done.

Mini - Most of the bars are full of peopel I don't like. there are so few that I do like it makes it hard.

Johnson - Vern and Teds are mine. Her cat is named Cuda.

Rachel - NOt the bars I go to.

LG - Will do

Mary - Yes she did. It has been very easy.

GJ - Good call, but rather time consuming, no?

SB - How oculd you not like those bars?

S&M - Not really. I tihnk its just a temporary thing.

IC - I cant talk to ex's after I'm done. Thats just how I am. Perhpas you are a better person than I.

Anon - Havne't gotten to that point yet.


Cliff - She oculdn't find Bird Bowl if I spotted her SW 40th Street. Now Don Carters on the other hand...

IC - you can email me for details on that.

Aikin - The problem when you meet your girlfriedns at dive bars

pod - makes sense

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

WD - Only because I take this topic seriously. Had I had to give up my favorite place a decade ago when the same thing happened to me, a large chunk of my identity would have gone with it - that bar made me the go-nowhere, underachieving loser that I am today.

 
At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think you should have any worries about what will happen when you show up at a bar with hot women giving out free beer for a promotion - in ten minutes, every straight woman will have left. Hot women giving out free beer? You might as well try to talk to a guy during a football game. There's just no point in trying to compete.

Anyway, my point is, she won't stick around long enough to hook up with any guy, because A) all the guys will be looking at the hot women (and the beer), and B) no woman wants to "compete" with the hotties for any guy's attention.

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please tell me the blog led to your inevitable downfall... There has gotta be a good blog post in the making!

 
At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Hey, what do you think of inviting Nina K, to the buffalo style chicken strip tour this year? You could ruin some pants!

Oh, and I don't see why this is a big deal. Of course the vern is small, but you never know, her next boyfriend could convince her to be more adventurous in bed and she could have a desire to do that with you. I'm just saying, you never know.

 
At 10:41 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"Vern and Teds are mine. Her cat is named Cuda."

Fuck that. So she gets a bar b/c her cat is named after it? Ok, I named my car Angelina Jolie and she's my favorite actress so fuck off Brad Pitt! Next time I'm in Miami, we're going to Barracuda.

 
At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must be completely insane or just really un-caring/un-feeling or something because while I'd want to equally split up any possessions, I could really give a toad's ass about public locations.. bars, pool halls, restos, etc...

Ending our relationship is just that.. the end of OUR relationship.. not the end of his love for that little hot spot I intro'd him to whilst dating... and chances are the bar he frequents has good beer or he'd never have gone there in the first place.

If one can't cope with not being insane to an ex.. even if is it still a fresh and ouchy feeling, then one really shouldn't be doing adult things such as dating.

Just saying.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

I meant to write a post about this as well. Even NYC is a small place when it comes to favorite bars. My ex and I actually had a fight during the breakup about who gets the bar that serves unlimited beer & wings in the Village. His group goes, my posse goes too, especially on these three-day weekends. In the end, I decided to just let it go, because the day after (heartburn/puking/spending all day in the bathroom) was just too debilitating.

Although I maintain that I "gave" him the bar!

 

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