Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Just Runnin' From The Homeless

I woke up motivated at 6AM after about 3 hours sleep and put on my Marine Corps PT gear, complete with skin-tight green T-Shirt and shorts that just narrowly avoid being cited for indecent exposure. And it that moment I realized something: PT gear is meant for people still actually in the Marines, not guys who got out three years ago. Either that or I'm just getting a little too fond of kettle cooked potato chips.

Next door, my neighbor who usually blasts Reggaeton and Mariachi music at this hour had on a different selection. Today it was "Love Hurts," followed by "It Must Have Been Love" followed by Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do, I Do it For You." Look, pal, just because you got dumped doesn't mean the whole neighborhood needs to get woken up before their pet chickens. I was up anyway, so my tirade was reserved. After all, I was on my way to run my first competitive race since 1996.

In true Miami fashion, absolutely no strategic planning was put into a race being run across the main causeway to South Beach, closing off 2 lanes at 6 AM the weekend before the Super Bowl. Not to mention the two thousand or so people running the race at 7:30 that had to drive there. So of course there was bumper-to-bumper traffic as soon as I hit downtown at the always-congested hour of 6:30 on a Saturday. Yeah, let's close two lanes of a major thoroughfare and not even suggest alternate routes. Does anyone ever think anything through in this town?

My friends had signed me up for this race since they know I run for conditioning purposes, but by no means are any of us "runners." We are more what you would call "drinkers." As in when the "runners" are up and about at 6 AM on a Saturday, we are still "drinking" and usually "stumbling/swerving home" as they are out "running." Yeah, you know when you see those people out jogging as you go home at an ungodly hour and wonder who the fuck they are? This is who the fuck they are. The people who are about to make you look really, really bad.

The funny thing is that in my age group, that is males 25-29, the average time was slower than any other. You know why? Because I don't think anyone takes running all that seriously unless they are a teenager and running cross country or old and afraid of getting fat or having a heart attack. The rest of us? Running is really just something we do to justify the massive amounts of light beer and fried foods we consume while those who pretend to enjoy it are doing healthy things like sleeping or eating a salad. Nonetheless, the rest of the guys our age looked equally if not more hung-over and equally if not more unprepared. Which may explain how my friend who ran a 5K in a blazing 23 minutes finished 9th. Still beat me, though.

The run was nice enough, although getting passed by guys you'd swear should be dead by now is always a little demoralizing. We ran over the MacArthur Causeway into South Beach and ended up at Nikki Beach Club. Where we were greeted with water, a steel drum band and, oh yes, chocolate chip cookies. Because nothing is better than kicking your ass for half an hour trying to burn off calories only to take them all back in roughly 25 seconds. Thank you very much, Tropical 5K. Thanks to you this whole thing was a wash. We were all given medals at the finish line, and I didn't remove mine all day. Everyone who asked why I had it I told "because I'm a winner." I'm thinking they probably figured it was from Special Olympics.

All in all it was an excellent and scenic run under perfect conditions that the following day's marathon runners wish they'd had. I got a T-Shirt that said "Just Runnin' For the Homeless" (apparently this race was for some sort of "charity" a fact I learned as I was crossing the starting line that definitely would have prevented me form doing this in the first place.). I thought it would have been much funnier if the had replaced "for" with "from." I guarantee you if that were the case everyone's time would have been cut by at least 3 minutes.


At 2:19 PM, Blogger Dayngr said...

I'm still cracking up from the title of this post and the crack about pet chickens. Right now, 5 doors down from me there is a wild turkey the size of a mazda miata. No lie. Welcome to Hialeah!

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

Were the tight shorts a requirement to run the race, or was the race just your excuse?

Insert enxyte joke here.

At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Gus said...

Congratulations on finishing the run. You inspire all of us potato chip eaters.

At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

dude, hindsight being 20/20, you should have ran in bum gear.

At 4:07 PM, Blogger Ben said...

I know exactly what you mean. I ran a 10K back in November and in no way should have been in the top 100. You know me. A runner I am not. But guys our age don’t' really do this kind of thing so I finished 5th.

I'm so glad the medal doesn't say "You got 5th out of 5 runners. Good job! High Five, stop drooling, don't put that in your mouth, get back on the short bus, you sir are retarded"

People just see a 5th place medal and when they ask, I say, "yep. I'm a champion"

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Damn, I just turned 30 so I'm in the "maniac runner" age bracket now.

So you actually ran the run in your PT shorts? I once put them on before going to the gym after I got out, but after looking at myself in the mirror I couldn't bring myself to do it. The wierd thing is that when I was still in, I did it all the time, and when people would ask something like, "So, what's going on with those shorts there?", I took it as some kinda compliment. Kinda like the haircut. Now I look at pictures and I feel like a complete retard....which sucks because, let's be honest, the haircut and the shorts are comfortable.

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Man...those shorts brought back memories of watching soldiers at Ft. Lewis do P.T.
Good times.

At 10:23 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

for a minute I thought you were going to say you did the marathon...but then I came to my senses and remembered that I'm the insane one, not you.

At 11:33 PM, Blogger Cliff said...

Actually, I don't know what the overall averages were, but atleast around the top 20 the 25-29 yr olds were actually faster than the 20-24 year olds. So clearly we're getting closer to that "I don't want to end up fat" stage already. Fuckin' lazy ass kids, I'd do anything to have me 20 year old legs back...

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Blind Mind said...

Youre right, Miami puts ZERO thinking into running any of these "events". This city is run by a bunch of morons. Oh, and a big "fuck you" to everyone that ran in the race through Coconut Grove on Sunday. I got in from a flight from LAX at 5am expecting a smooth ride home and a nice nap when I got there. Instead, there were streets blocked, cones everywhere, city funds being wasted on security officers that were lined up on Tigertail every 20 yds, and other morons that felt that the streets belonged to them and that cars should have to go around them. By the time I got home from FLL airport, it was 615am and I just wanted to sleep. But noooooo! Every loser in the Grove with nothing better to do decided to get up and walk outside to clap as these runners ran by! I really dont understand what the fucking point of that is? "Im too lazy and I dont want to run but I wish I did so Im gonna cheer as these other assholes jog by..." I was kept awake by clapping, yelling, and screaming from 7am to 9am. This is why I dont own a gun...

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Andy said...

This was your best post in a long, long time. Nice work!

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh my, I hope your nuts didn't get chafed!

You should join hash harriers ... "drinkers with a running problem."

At 5:34 PM, Anonymous cedar said...

I wouldn't run UNLESS I was being chased, by a bum or otherwise.
And Ben needs to stop lying about not being a runner. I saw him run by my apartment a few months back looking very runner-esque.

At 7:11 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Dayngr - Sounds about right.

GJ - Actually the idea hit me when I woke up and was like "God, I shoudl totally be putting on PT gear right now. Then realizing I still had some, I did.

Gus - Thanks.

Joe - Next one, I'm all about it. Although I don't know I'd buy running shorts from a bum.

Ben - Does it get you girls too?

Paul - If those shorts aren't bweing worn by military personnel, they are pretty much gay.

Rachel - I bet it did.

Allson - Yeah, the marathon was the next day. Not so much my thing.

Cliff - So you could squander them on Law school? I think not.

BM - I almost attended a Maratohn Party in the Grove. Sorry.

Andy - Thanks.

Manola - No, that is the great thing about PT shorts, you don't chafe.

Cedar - He is like me: A guy who runs, but not a runner. there is a big difference. We actually have descernable muscle mass in our upper bodies.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Dickens Cider said...

You know what really blows donkey balls is whenever I run a 5k,(which is rare), I make a promise to myself that I will run at my own pace and not worry about what others run. But, of course my competitive nature kicks in when a fucking 65 year old man passes me so I try to keep up and after mile 2 I'm about to pass out, so then I say fuck it slow down to a crawl. Then 11 year olds are passing me and all I want to do is hide my head in shame and eat one of those delicious cookies afterwards.

I found this blog the other day and its great, keep up the good work.


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