The Lies stay the Same, Only the Men Change
The first time it happens is usually in High School. I mean, not for me obviously, but for most people. You are out late one night with your High School “sweetheart,” or maybe just the class tramp, and as you pull up to a deserted alley her phone rings. “Oh, hi Daddy. No, no, I’m just over at Stacey’s house. We’re going to do some studying. I’m just gonna crash on the couch and be back in the morning.” Now Daddy may or may not have believed her, but it wasn’t really relevant to you as your pants were around your ankles and you were feverishly searching for a condom as the lies were being spewed. But it was not the last time you would hear them.
When you get to college you are at first disappointed that girl in the dorm room next door has a boyfriend from back home. Perhaps the same guy she used to lie to her father about. But the longer you are there the more you realize that back-home boyfriends are forgotten about as fast as 12th-grade algebra, and life becomes a lot more interesting. One night, as you are in the middle of trying to squeeze two bodies onto a twin bed for the first time since you were 4, her phone rings. “Hey, baby,” she says, “No, no, I’m not going out tonight. Just gonna chill in my dorm room for the night. Yeah, okay, my roommate is here so I gotta go. Uh huh. I may go over to the Sigma Chi house later, we’ll see.” First of all, any guy buying this line of bullshit is either cheating himself of such a massive pussy that he deserves whatever he gets. Second, I have come to learn that “chilling” is not the appropriate term for “getting fucked on every piece of furniture in the room until my roommate comes back from band practice.” Oh, but the lies, they don’t stop at graduation.
Perhaps the most entertaining of all female lies is the one told to the children calling to check on mommy at 7 in the morning as they prepare to go to school. “Just wanted to say hi before Daddy drops us off!” How cute. Daddy got you for the week so mommy decided to take a little vacation and remember what life was like before she got knocked up. Of course, waking up with a morning erection is cured no faster than hearing the girl you’re lying next to say “Yes, honey, mommy is having a fun time. Who’s my little snuggle bug? Yes you are! Mommy will be home in a few days, okay? I looove you!” because I guess “Mommy got fucked in a stairwell and then again in the same room as Aunt Steph” just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. At any rate, there is still something rather diabolical about hearing some little kid on their way to kindergarten having no idea their mother is lying naked in a hotel room and as soon as she is off the phone will be giving oral sex to a stranger. Classy!
The lies never end, it is just the men on the other end of the line who change. Whether it is a father, a boyfriend or a little kid, women just love making up stories to cover up their deviant behavior. Just be sure you are never on the other end of that. Remember the bullshit you’ve heard on the giving end, and recognize it when it is being told to you. Because lies are funny when you hear them told to someone else, not so much when they are being told to you.