Monday, January 08, 2007

The Lies stay the Same, Only the Men Change

The first time it happens is usually in High School. I mean, not for me obviously, but for most people. You are out late one night with your High School “sweetheart,” or maybe just the class tramp, and as you pull up to a deserted alley her phone rings. “Oh, hi Daddy. No, no, I’m just over at Stacey’s house. We’re going to do some studying. I’m just gonna crash on the couch and be back in the morning.” Now Daddy may or may not have believed her, but it wasn’t really relevant to you as your pants were around your ankles and you were feverishly searching for a condom as the lies were being spewed. But it was not the last time you would hear them.

When you get to college you are at first disappointed that girl in the dorm room next door has a boyfriend from back home. Perhaps the same guy she used to lie to her father about. But the longer you are there the more you realize that back-home boyfriends are forgotten about as fast as 12th-grade algebra, and life becomes a lot more interesting. One night, as you are in the middle of trying to squeeze two bodies onto a twin bed for the first time since you were 4, her phone rings. “Hey, baby,” she says, “No, no, I’m not going out tonight. Just gonna chill in my dorm room for the night. Yeah, okay, my roommate is here so I gotta go. Uh huh. I may go over to the Sigma Chi house later, we’ll see.” First of all, any guy buying this line of bullshit is either cheating himself of such a massive pussy that he deserves whatever he gets. Second, I have come to learn that “chilling” is not the appropriate term for “getting fucked on every piece of furniture in the room until my roommate comes back from band practice.” Oh, but the lies, they don’t stop at graduation.

Perhaps the most entertaining of all female lies is the one told to the children calling to check on mommy at 7 in the morning as they prepare to go to school. “Just wanted to say hi before Daddy drops us off!” How cute. Daddy got you for the week so mommy decided to take a little vacation and remember what life was like before she got knocked up. Of course, waking up with a morning erection is cured no faster than hearing the girl you’re lying next to say “Yes, honey, mommy is having a fun time. Who’s my little snuggle bug? Yes you are! Mommy will be home in a few days, okay? I looove you!” because I guess “Mommy got fucked in a stairwell and then again in the same room as Aunt Steph” just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. At any rate, there is still something rather diabolical about hearing some little kid on their way to kindergarten having no idea their mother is lying naked in a hotel room and as soon as she is off the phone will be giving oral sex to a stranger. Classy!

The lies never end, it is just the men on the other end of the line who change. Whether it is a father, a boyfriend or a little kid, women just love making up stories to cover up their deviant behavior. Just be sure you are never on the other end of that. Remember the bullshit you’ve heard on the giving end, and recognize it when it is being told to you. Because lies are funny when you hear them told to someone else, not so much when they are being told to you.

26 Comments:

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You seem bitter. Did your girlfriend just cheat on you or something?
Not all women are liars, by the way. I'm sure you men tell your share of lies as well and it's unfair of you to single out the opposite sex.

 
At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait ~ Mommy didn't lie, she just didn't give full disclosure to a child. Which to be honest, it isn't any of the child's business.

Am I the only one who thinks that you should not answer the phone while you are gettin' busy (except for the high school/daddy thing since he might come out looking for you).

 
At 1:22 PM, Anonymous DF said...

As Chris Rock once said, "Men lie the most but women tell the biggest lies." Now if you were implying that women have higher "perceived" ethical standards in relationships, which is completely unfounded, but lie more often than we think then, yes that is true. Women lie as much as men do in relationships, if not more so and as Chris Rock stated they tend to be big lies. I know a guy (most definitely a beta) that was married not even a month when his wife cheated on him. A month! Until the news broke, the bride gave the impression to everyone that she was the happiest girl in the world. Yeah, I’m sure she was cause she had a sap paying the bills while she had another cock on the side. What makes me laugh about the whole thing is that they are both religious born-again christian types who tend to be the most hypocritical mother fuckers on the planet. Instead of annulling the marriage he stuck it out and last I heard he is still married to her, claiming he made a promise to god or some shit. Pathetic, I know but returning to the point at hand.

There is a perception that women are more faithful or truthful in relationships. This expectation is made acute somehow when a woman is recently married because she has achieved a major milestone of her existence and is on her way to wedded bliss. Nonsense! What is always ignored here is the relative value of the couples involved. If a “high value” woman is in a relationship with a “low value” man, she will most likely cheat no matter the expectation. There is something of a double standard here because a “high value” man is almost always expected to cheat irrespective of the woman involved. What we are looking at is pure imbalance, which can be magnified by long-distance from your significant other, coupled with access to “higher value” alternatives all around you. Moral of the story, if you are a guy then don’t be a beta, listen to what she has to say but never take her seriously, and let her know very subtly that she is replaceable.

 
At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't lie. Period.

I don't have any kids either, but if I had kids, you're right about one thing... I am absolutely not gonna tell any child that mommy got laid 5 times last night and was just about to shoot for number 6. I'd just tell the kid to have a good day at school and I'd see them later.

I seriously can't see any Daddies doing anything different either.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger KassyK said...

The guys that use your line of thinking are the guys who CHEAT & Lie. Its so typical. If you are the one lying all the time you start to become suspicious of everyone around you.

Oh wait...haven't you written about 40 posts about cheating and lying to various women?

Exactly

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger KassyK said...

PS I realize that came out harsh but its just confusing to me that someone that cheats could be calling out the opposite sex for lying and cheating thats all. No offense bc I dont know you personally.

 
At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apart from everything else, I first want to comment on the following:

At any rate, there is still something rather diabolical about hearing some little kid on their way to kindergarten having no idea their mother is lying naked in a hotel room and as soon as she is off the phone will be giving oral sex to a stranger. Classy!

I see this a lot these days regarding celebrities with small kids. "Now that she's a mother, she can't do that anymore", etc. etc. What the fuck, seriously? I see absolutely nothing wrong with the situation you describe above. The mother is not cheating on the child's dad, she is a sexual being, and having a kid hasn't changed that. It's the whole madonna/whore dichotomy creeping up again. Women who have given birth do not automatically have to act asexual. Nothing's changed. You still have a life and are fully entitled to enjoy it.

As for the rest of the post, I'd add this detail. Everything you've described applies to 90 - 95% of the population. I believe that at least 90% of people are complete idiots, and lazy, to boot. They have shitty relationships, cheat and lie, and get into crappy relationships with just anyone in order not to be alone.

You're very wrong in generalizing and applying this to all women. The truly smart women out there don't do anything similar. From my life experiences I've observed that the typical male vs. female stereotypes apply to those 90% of the population, but once you get to the very top (intellectually), men and women are pretty much the same. There's no female thinking, or male thinking, there's just thinking in general. You keep portraying relationships as almost a war, male vs. female, where each side cheats and lies to the other to get something. Well, with those top 5% it's not like that at all.

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger aikin said...

Considering my weeekend, a very relevant post....

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Paul said...

*high 5 DF*

Don't forget that more so than men, women will go to great lengths to overthink/justify a lie until it seems like it wasn't a lie at all. Most guys cant be bothered. maybe guys can be described as tactical liars, and women can be described as strategic liars. chess vs checkers type thing.

Anyone else think it's funny that most of the women rushing to the defense of their slandered brethren (brethren?) are self proclaimed smart, honest, intelligent, and suspiciously anonymous?

From my life experiences I've observed that the typical male vs. female stereotypes apply to those 90% of the population, but once you get to the very top (intellectually), men and women are pretty much the same.

life experiences garnered where, in Bizarro Candyland? being at the top "intellectually" has absolutely nothing to do with a person's morality. if anything, people who are super smart are super fucked up, too. unless you're talking about someone like stephen hawking? he probably doesnt run around on his wife. or roll around. whichever.

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger Ashburnite said...

hmmm...and men are never guilty of it? please, y'all lie a LOT more than we do. We are just more selective about what we lie about.

 
At 7:19 PM, Anonymous marywho said...

I call it giving certain people the courtesy of not thinking about me having sex. Call me prudish, but I'm grossed out when parent's know too much about their kids sex life. Or vice versa (why yes, I am a WASP)
I don't want to think about my parents having sex, they don't want to think about me having sex.
Unless it was like, important for them to know, then I'd tell -unhappily. But really I have a couple of people who know about my sex life, that's it.
So yep, I'm a total liar- But not a cheater.

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

"Women just love making up stories to cover up their deviant behavior."

Ummm ... the same could be said for men. I don't think women are any better or worst than their bedicked counterparts. :)

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Men lie more because we're punished for telling the truth.

Example: A guy still emails his ex, in a totally platonic "hey wussup how was xmas" kind of way. New girlfriend asks, "Do you still talk to her?" The guy can say "Yes, I do" and have her freak out and/or have new GF think he's lying about it being a platonic relationship and/or have her bring it up in a future argument.. or he can just say "..Naw I don't talk to her" and end the conversation right there. It's a split second decision made based on not wanting to deal with any potential bullshit.

We are just more selective about what we lie about.


So, like, more premeditated and calculating?

 
At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

paul:

life experiences garnered where, in Bizarro Candyland?

Close - the Bay Area (close by the standards of an "average American"). Also the University of Waterloo, and the city of Toronto.

Anyone else think it's funny that most of the women rushing to the defense of their slandered brethren (brethren?) are self proclaimed smart, honest, intelligent, and suspiciously anonymous?

Hmmm. I wasn't exactly defending women. I was dumping on everyone - I'm an equal-opportunity snob. And, if anything, I get along better with guys than girls - most of my friends are male. Whoa, smart AND intelligent? I didn't really label myself as anything, and most definitely not honest. Everyone lies. I'm anonymous because

a) I want to speak my mind
b) I don't want a potential future interviewer or employer to google my name and find my blog where I speak my mind
c) More generally, I don't want anyone who has any power over me (financially, academically, professionally, etc.) to be able to google my name and find my blog

 
At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohhh snap! what's the dillio?

lol like you've never lied. i love you wd. your blog is so biased and causes so much controversey. : ]

 
At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WD, sorry about double-posting.

Paul, re: your most recent comment. The situation you're describing is exactly what I was referring to. There are women who'll say "You're friends with your ex? Cool." And no, they don't roll around, don't weigh 500 pounds, are not hideous, not boring, not lazy, not golddiggers, not *insert a negative stereotype*. You're reading this, laughing, and thinking I'm making all this up because it's impossible. It's possible, and I know lots of women like that. Intelligence is definitely a factor. Probably a bigger one is self-confidence, but I think intelligence heavily influences that.

 
At 11:26 PM, Blogger Paul said...

IC: See, that wasn't so hard, no need to be skurred.

I know there are some women out there who are pretty, smart, intelligent, sexy, witty, cool with the "ex", down to hang out with the guys, etc etc.. But if we're playing statistics, and apparently we are, the numbers aren't in your favor.

Most girls think they're that girl mentioned above, because they are able to justify or compartmentalize whatever whack behavior they've subjected their boyfriend to in the past. And why wouldn't they? It's more healthy for a person to delude herself into thinking she's Carry Bradshaw than to face the fact that she's not quite as appealing/sane as she thinks she is.

Hell, I don't measure my shit for the very same reason. I'm Ron Jeremy baby.

 
At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting posts here. I think Greek mythology pretty much defined the behavior of men and women. Men are cunning, forceful, and slightly deceptive. The Greek gods in myth were always using force to get their way, maybe a riddle here and there, but mostly by force. Women in Greek myth were much less powerful physically, so they had to rely on deception. Thus, the first fake orgasm was born...

Now, I cant really say that I think that women are liars anymore than I am. Sure, they may be better at it, but we both get busted eventually. Thats why Im all about telling the truth 99.9% of the time. Lots of times it makes me sound like a total asshole, but Id rather be an asshole than a liar anyday.

 
At 1:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch, I couldn't stand Carrie Bradshaw. All those supposedly interesting and attractive guys fawned over her, and I couldn't undestand how anyone could tolerate her self-obsession for more than a minute.

Sorry for the interruption, you may now continue with the scheduled arguing.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger Johnny said...

It is WORSE that women lie because their lies are more important, and they are better at it so more able to be deceptive. I have no idea if I'd ever want to get married because you have to trust someone completely, and I doubt a girl like that exists.

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger april said...

People lie. Not just women. That's just a fact.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger alizinha said...

Paul, funny that you mention Stephen Hawking as one of the few intelligent men who can be trusted to be faithful. WRONG. From Wikipedia:

Jane, Hawking's first wife, cared for him until 1991 when the couple separated, reportedly, due to the pressures of fame, his increasing disability, and an affair Hawking began with one of his nurses, Elaine Mason. Hawking and Elaine Mason were married in 1995. (Elaine Mason's first husband, David Mason, had designed the first version of Hawking's talking computer.) In October 2006, the Hawkings filed for divorce.

So he cheated on his first wife with the wife of the man who gave him the ability to artificially "talk". All that without even being able to move!

Moral of the story? Women lie. Men lie. Smart people lie. No need to single out women as the "bad guys," but factual information has never stopped WD from writing a controversial post in the past, so why start now?

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger Paul said...

That's awesome -- I stand corrected. I just threw that name out there because I figured it'd be tough to spit game with a Speak & Spell.

 
At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Sex & Moxie said...

I think men lie to avoid drama, whereas women lie anticipating or trying to create drama.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Wooooow. A lot of you girls kind of took this the wrong way....

The point was how entertianing it is to be on the other end of a lie. In other words to hear someone spewing complete bullshit and the pure entertianment value of it, especially when you are the person being lied about.

Do men lie. OF FUCKING COURSE. But not being a homosexual I have never been in the same position with a man and therefore could not comment on it. you see? Were I a female blogger this post owuld be very similar except with the gender reversed. People are all shit, male, female, or sadly confused.

 
At 2:11 PM, Anonymous fish said...

nice. i thought this was about a certain someone (me), but then realized it wasnt. good times.

 

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