Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Miami is The City You Fuck

This is not a city you bring home to mom. She is not a place you want to raise your kids, or to settle down with or to plan a future. While superficially she is perfect, and will show you the time of your life if you let her, doing anything real with this city would be a grave, grave mistake.

Because you see there are cities you marry and cities you fuck. And Miami, well, Miami is the city you fuck. A lot of people come to Miami and fuck her for a weekend and go home. And they swear it's the best sex they've ever had. Many get a taste of her and make the mistake of trying to make her theirs. But most, after a few months, realize her inherant sexiness wears thin pretty quick. They learn about her insanity, her volatility, and her constant abuse, wise up and leave. But man, it was a good time, wasn't it?

When you are young and single, that's the kind of city you want. One that makes all your other friends jealous because she is so crazy and so hot at the same time. The kind of city that gives you mind-blowing sex and even more mind-blowing drugs whenever you want them. The kind of city that has you thinking about her 24-7 and all the things you want to do to her the next time you are together. And then you get there and the reunion is spectacular and you swear she is the greatest thing that ever happened to you.

Until that first night when she drives you crazy and you get in a fight and she has an ecstasy-fueled threesome with a couple of German Tourists. And blames it on you. And then you have make-up sex and it's all good again until the next time she drives you insane. You swear you'll leave, but you know you can't. She's too hot and the sex is too good. Yeah, you get a little jealous when you see the douchebags from Long Island come down and fuck your city raw for three days and not have to stick around and deal with the crazy aftermath. But in the back of your mind you tell yourself you're getting to hit that every night so you'll deal with it.

I tried leaving her once. I was 23 and wanted a more relaxing life. But the longer I was away the more I thought that she was the kind if city I belonged with. After two years I took her back with open arms, admitting that she was flawed but I loved her in spite of it. Since then she has given me unwavering highs and debilitating lows, but this time around I knew what I was in for. Another friend of mine also tried to leave her after being with her since Middle School, but after three years he too came back. "Yeah," he told me recently, "not only did I take her back but now I'm living with her fucking parents."

A day will come when I decide that I want more out of life than fun and adventure. When Miami's moral corruption, personal volatility and drug-induced insanity will become too much for my old bones. And I'll move to a nice, smart, personable city like Sacramento or Raleigh. The kind of city you marry. But for now, well, for now I am young and single and void of any significant responsibility. So what I need is a city that will fuck me senseless and make me insane. I love you Miami, you crazy, crazy bitch. You will always hold a special place in my heart as the passion of my youth.

29 Comments:

At 12:20 PM, Anonymous cedar said...

Nice post, Hunter S. Meltzer, nice post. I will only live in cities I can marry. Because I've been middle aged since I was about 12.

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that first line. Now I'm singing, "She's a very freaky city... the kind you don't home to mother..."

Thanks.

 
At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now, if only Rick James' great hook hadn't been stolen by that tool MC Hammer.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

Milwaukee is the city you fuck when you're drunk and no one's looking.

 
At 3:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another good one.

With this post you've given up your legitimate whinage claims. Oh, I know, you'll still rant and complain, but I'll be slightly less sympathetic (so negatively sympathetic then) because you know the tradeoffs too well.

I detect some sort of weird romantic yearning in your soul in this line: "I love you Miami, you crazy, crazy bitch." Poor little WD, everything will be OK (*pats WD on the head*).

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Virgle Kent said...

How is it that this is exactly how I feel about a couple of my ex girlfriends?

 
At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

fantastic post!

-lackner

 
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I gotta check out Miami. If just for the weekend.
It might be the first time I get with a girl ~ city that is.

 
At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miami is Newark with palm trees.

 
At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Miami said...

Ah, so that's the real meaning of MILF!

 
At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Raleigh doesn't like kikes like jew bitch.

 
At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I think this post has made me like Miami a lot more and in a more open minded way...btw I'm a girl :)

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Jada said...

I want to have an all girl threesome with Miami and LA. But I would never marry either one of those dirty sluts. I'll keep my good, solid Midwestern girl, Chicago.

 
At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I'm currently in a very abusive relationship with Charlottesville, Virginia. She's driven me to drink lots of alcohol and is slowly sapping my will to live. Miami and Atlanta only wanted me for my meager assets and my wallet was always empty when I dated them.

 
At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

I'm currently in a very abusive relationship with Charlottesville, Virginia. She's driven me to drink lots of alcohol and is slowly sapping my will to live. Miami and Atlanta only wanted me for my meager assets and my wallet was always empty when I dated them.

 
At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't resist this city analogy.

Waterloo is the city that fucks me in the ass without lube or foreplay.
Toronto is my boring old grandmother who, I suspect, has a few skeletons hidden in her closet.
San Francisco is that guy you meet who's great in bed, smart, interesting to talk to, has a fashion sense, and is in a great shape. The guy you start thinking must be a serial murderer because he seems too good to be true.

 
At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I disagree with Jada. I would marry LA anytime. But never Miami. I don't wanna be catching some unknown disease. Plus the humidity would hill me.

 
At 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, being Miami being humid aint all that bad if you just want to fuck her :)

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger White Dade said...

Cedar - Someday you will be sad you were so old when you were so young.

Mini - glad to help you out with that

David - Go tell that to hammer on his blog.

GJ - Comment of the Day right there.

IC - I've written a lot of things complimentary about this city. Nobody seemd to like them all that much.

VK - I'm guessing you dated strippers too then?

Lackner - Thanks

Rachel - I'm not sure if girls feel the same way

Anon - I prefer Detroit with a beach

Miami - So it is

Anon - So I've heard.

Anon2 0 Let me know if you come and visit.

Jada - LA has no redeeming features whatsoever.

Johnson - I met a girl this weekend who absolutely loved Charlottesville. Why?

IC - You forgot the most important part...Then you find out he's gay.

Gen - You, my dear, have never dated LA. I have. Trust me, not a city oyu want to Marry in the slightest. She is dirty, used up, ugly, cold, stupid, shallow and pretty much useless. It would be like dating a meth-addicted whore.

Anon - Its always best when its warm and sticky, isn't it?

 
At 12:51 AM, Anonymous Johnson said...

"I met a girl this weekend who absolutely loved Charlottesville. Why?"

She's an idiot or a spoiled UVa brat.

 
At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The town you grew up in doesn't count. It is like fucking your mother.

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the problem is i think i'm addicted to the lifestyle. i can't ever see living in somewhere peaceful, like charlotte because people in those places just seem sooooo booooooring. i guess you just move to palm beach or naples with age?

 
At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who says I don't want a meth- addicted whore?
I'm too in love with LA to ever disown her.

 
At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you want guaranteed AIDS, go to Miami

 
At 2:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Miami! Great place to live and raise a family, and I'm not even Hispanic. There's plenty of parts in Miami that are mostly White Non-Hispanic, Pinecrest, Coral Gables, Palmetto Bay, North Miami, etc.

I love it here in Miami though, I guess it's not for those who can't handle diversity.

 
At 3:01 AM, Anonymous wanderlust said...

I was born and raised in Miami and its one of those cities that you dont appreciate until you move out. Paris for me is one of those cities that your fuck. Its my lover. My love /hate relationship and I come back to Miami when Paris leaves out in the cold after a hot night.

 
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