Thursday, February 08, 2007

Ballard High School Just Writes the Jokes For Me

So for those who don’t know I’m back in Seattle for a week. I thought about changing the name of the blog to "White King" for the time I’m here, but then realized that name might be just a liiiiitle too suggestive for a site that is already not exactly a bastion of political correctness. At any rate, I went a few nights ago to my old High School’s basketball game against North-End rival Ballard. On the way to the game I learned something very interesting about Ballard High School: Apparently this fall they had to have an assembly to address a very pressing issue that was affecting a large segment of the student body. Smoking? Alocohol? Dare I say drugs? No, no, apparently the good folks over at BHS were concerned because a good number of their students were contracting Chlamydia.


And do you know who these students were? No, no, not the athletes or the druggies or minorities bussed in from what’s left of the bad parts of town. Nor was it any other group you would suspect engaging in lots of chlamydia-creating behaviors. It was, in fact, the entire SOPHOMORE class. That’s right, the sophomores. These kids are getting VD before they are getting their driver’s licenses. That speaks volumes for the effectiveness of the Seattle Public School’s Sex Education program, doesn’t it? And where were all these disease-infested trollops when I was in High School? I couldn’t even get to first base at 15, much less contract a venereal disease. What the Hell happened to these kids? Not only are they having sex at 14 or 15, but they’re having enough sex that there is a Chlamydia outbreak? I mean, you gotta have a lot of people fucking a lot of people for that to happen. At 15. Goddam. I missed out.

But you know what’s even funnier? Guess what the Ballard mascot is? The Beaver. That’s right, the Beavers have chlamydia. Perhaps a mascot change is in order. Dirty Beavers? Burning Beavers? Clear Discharging Beavers? Disease-Infested Beavers? Any way you cut it it’s a hell of a lot scarier that a furry critter who builds dams, that’s for sure. All I know is that my High School mascot, the Roughriders, doesn’t have a problem with STD’s. And we won the game. I was hoping the Seattle Times would run a story on this with a headline that read "Beavers get Chlamydia, Roughriders Stay Protected." But I guess they just aren’t as clever, or as sophomoric, as myself.

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10 Comments:

At 5:28 PM, Blogger David in DC said...

Reminds me. There's an OB/GYN in Northern Virginia named Dr. Harry Beaver.

http://www.hcbmdbom.medem.com/

 
At 6:45 PM, Blogger The T Bag said...

You know I don't fuckin get it either. Kids these days are fucking crazy and it is not gonna stop anytime soon. I think that the ridiculous dating shows on MTV have a lot to do with it. Back in the day, we resorted to spankin it to Idalis & Carmen Electra while they were co-hosting 'Singled Out.' Now there's 19 year old girls with massive chemical balls telling their moms to portray them as easy sluts so a guy will pick them on "Date My Mom." And fuckin Mickey Avalon -- that guy, gay hooker turned myspace sex symbol. I don't get it man. Maybe we need to root for the terrorists on this one. America is lookin fucked in 15 years.

 
At 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a hilarious story. I guess the sophomore class will be having Prom at the local clinic.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger the girl also blogs said...

Awesome.

Also, if I ever have a daughter, I'm going to lock her in a tower until she's eighteen.

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

So if Miami is the city you fuck, then Seattle is the city you discharge painfully?

Now I know the downside of having the best tasting beer in America. "Hey, Bob, wanna get lit on Redhooks and make some bad decisions?" "Sure, Steve, you're on! No time to stop for condoms!"

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger Johnny said...

Haha, I remember "Singled Out". It started with Jenny McCarthy hosting, back when she was really hot. Now she's just a whiny man-hating feminist. The difference in the last 10 years is back when we were in high school, most girls only put out for a serious boyfriend. Now they are wasted every weekend, blowing guys they barely know. Not all girls of course, but definitely a decent number.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

The headline is priceless!

The reality, however, is very scary.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Gotta love that the word beaver and chlamydia can be used in the same paragraph.

 
At 5:40 PM, Anonymous Buy Viagra said...

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At 11:53 AM, Blogger Sharon said...

Hi,

1 in 4 sexually active teenagers become infected with an STD every year, in the United States alone. Now, more than ever, we need to join together to fight this growing issue. As I read through your website, it is clear that you share the same passion for STD/STI awareness. We here, at Disease.com, understand the importance of STD/STI prevention and treatments. If you could, please list us as a resource or host our social book mark button, it would be much appreciated. We can not reach every teenager, but together we can try.
If you need more information please mail me with the subject line as your URL.

Thnak You,
Sharon Vegoe
Disease.com

 

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