Friday, February 23, 2007

Mayonnaise: Fueling Stupididty and Communism Since 1756

From time to time I am prone to what one of my friends refers to as a “meltdown.” Some of this has to do with my name, but much more it has to do with my absolute loss of sanity, tact or volume control when in a certain situation. These situations sometimes happen when I am drunk, but more often than not they happen when I am hungry.

When I haven’t eaten for a while, I tend to get a little antsy. And by this I mean I will run over old women and small children if they are taking too long at the crosswalk in front of Subway. I will stand impatiently on line and glare at anyone taking longer than 30 seconds to order as if they had just kicked my mother in the face and was laughing about it. As you can probably figure, I don’t do too well in Miami. So when I’m hungry, and all I want is a chicken sandwich or hamburger or turkey on Rye, and some moron has the unmitigated gall to think I like mayonnaise on it without telling me on the menu first, I absolutely fucking lose it. I mean I will throw a sandwich across the room and yell “What the fuck is this shit?!” Ask my friends, it’s happened. They’ve seen it. As I said, if the menu states mayo is on the sandwich, well then that is my fault for not reading closely enough and I generally mumble something along the lines of “But, seriously, why on Earth do they even think ANYBODY wants to eat this shit?” In that case, though, I have no one to blame but myself.

But God help the sandwich shop who puts mayonnaise on a sandwich and doesn’t tell me. Pity the restaurant that lists a burger as having “Lettuce, Tomato and Onion” and fails to mention the giant glob of white goo on one of the buns. They are in for scene. Seriously, why the fuck does anyone like mayonnaise? It is the single most disgusting condiment I can think of, and yes I have had Vegemite. It’s like someone said “Let me take rancid oil, rotten eggs, beat them together, and put it on bread. YUM!” I have never tasted semen before (except, possibly, from a disgruntled cook who was the recipient of one of my anti-mayo tirades) but I would imagine it tastes something like mayonnaise. Why I don’t ever expect a girl to swallow.

Mayonnaise just tastes like White Trash. After all, those are really the only people who eat it regularly. Well, them and the French. So, when you put mayonnaise on my sandwich, you are basically saying “Hey, you look like you’re wither White Trash or French.” I’m not sure which is a bigger insult, but either way you are basically telling me I am inferior. When you serve me mayonnaise, you are not only lumping me in with a group of people who are too stupid to realize mayonnaise is the most disgusting food not called “tripe,” you are insulting my taste. You are assuming I like to eat crap, and I don’t like people making those assumptions. If you put mayonnaise on my sandwich, you may as well walk out of the kitchen and say “you sir, are a plebe and a commoner and I am going to feed you as such. I have no respect for your intelligence and therefore I am going to serve you the fuel of the uneducated and low-class.” Thanks, asshole. But unlike most obese daytime-TV addicted Americans, I prefer to not ingest stupidity with my Chicken Philly.

Say what you will about Latin culture, at least they hold the fucking mayo. While I have gone on many a tirade in Cuban restaurants, it never has anything to do with the food. Is it that hard to just leave a sandwich plain and let the people who actually want semen spread to ruin their food to request it? Leaving those of us who do not collect welfare checks to eat a sandwich the way God created it to be eaten: Without fucking mayonnaise. Why do people assume anybody wants this shit on their food? This is American, goddam it, where we have the freedom of choice. Why must you force your disgusting condiments on me? Because you, sir, are a communist, that’s why. I bet Fidel likes Mayo. Chairman Mao was a big fan. Stalin got most of his best ideas while chomping on white bread with mayonnaise. You want to be like those guys? Go ahead and have another tablespoon of Miracle Whip.

I’m off to lunch, folks. I worked until 2 last night and didn’t eat dinner and all I had was a bowl of Rice Krispies for breakfast. Think I’ll go order myself a Chicken Philly and see what happens. Keep your eyes on the Local News.

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18 Comments:

At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

Stop stealing details about my life and making them your own.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Okay, we're just going to have to remember not to serve you mayo.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Did you know that in Germany they dip their french fries in Mayo?
I actually like mayo, but then again, I like to swallow so you might have something there.

 
At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate mayo, it is disgusting! I see people dip their fries in it and I throw up in my mouth a little. Down with mayo!

 
At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't want to start a religious war here, but Jews don't typically eat Mayo. We put mustard on our corn beef on rye sandwiches and dunk fries in ketchup. Mayo seems to go on ham sandwiches on white bread.

 
At 8:06 PM, Anonymous KassyK said...

Its like a soft vat of sweaty lard. Gross.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger ジェネヴィーヴ said...

Mayonnaise just tastes like White Trash. After all, those are really the only people who eat it regularly. Well, them and the French.

I am neither white trash nor French & I always put (lite, of course) mayo in my tuna. Is this admissable since it's the only time I have mayo?

Mayo doesn't taste like semen. Alfalfa sprouts do, though.

 
At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Just to start this off, Mayo and Miracle whip are not the same thing. I like a little mayo, it isn't really about the flavor as it takes away some of the dryness that bread can often have. I however hate miracle whip. Hence the reason why people put other things on bread, like oil, vinegar, pickles, lettuce, onions tomato, peppers, olives, cucumbers, mustard, etc. The point is not everyone likes all that stuff, but you still don't see them throw a bitch fit when something they don't like is accidentally placed on their item.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Dianne said...

Ok, I pisssed myself on this one so you wanna come to the Netherlands and do my laundry since I now have jeans and a towl or 2 to wash tht I wouldn't have otherwise? Last I checked it was like $1200 to get here and back and you get to deal with a 3rd geneation Miami born Bitch durring your stay (the rest of them were born it Key West,Bahammas, Spain or Germany).
They eat mayo on Every fucking thing over here (the Netherlandas) and let me tell you I fucking tripped over it!
The fries with Mayo thing is more Dutch and German than anyone else (Half the germans I know use ketchup though that may be because I'm a freaking Jew who assioates with Jews for the most part) But they have this saussage,frekendel, (mostly horse meat) they eat at snack bars here tht they cover in the shit and onions. of course fries get dumpped in the stuff (though if you go to BK or Mac Ds they have a frit sause wich is more like Helmonds sandwich sperad on crack) and they have the nerve to take a great steak and yep dip the shit in mayo! (PS Hel Mond translated to Hell Mouth in Dutch It discribes the town *in the south of the country* and the condamet perfectly)
Back in high school we had what some of us girls refered to as "sperm salad" because yes, it tasted like it was covered in semen (And don't give me shit about a 16 year old learnning to give a blow job either you know damned well you would rasther be blown by a girl who learnd at 16 than one who figured the shit out at 20). Trust me mayo isn't as bad as this. Semen generally smells like clorox and taste like a raw egg (the white) that's been in the yard for about 4 days (half rotten for those who never had farm freh eggs) mixed with clorox and some salt with a bit of Helmonds just to fuck with you.* now you know why chicks who do swallow have your head in the backs of their mouths when you jizz* I swear this is the shit Dade county public schools was feeding us in the 80's (I graduated in 85).

People here tripped that I didn't love the shit when I came here. I'm a hot sause chick. Mayo bores me. It's like a gob of KY on my food. WTF do I need that for? If I'm gonna add something to kill the dryness it's gonna be something worth adding damn it.Something that doesn't taste like a "flavorless" lubricant and actually doese something for the food.
Now that you've made me hungry I'm gonna head to my kitchen and make a Cuban sandwich (with the wrong bread) and some real (cause we can go to Cuba from here) Cuban coffee and thank God no one p[uts mayo on my food anymore!

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger mm said...

I love mayo. It's my favorite condiment, by far. Goes very well with a nice steak and french fries. It also does NOT taste like semen.

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger Blind Mind said...

The "dipping fries in mayo" is a French thing, not German or Dutch. Just trust me on this one... While I do agree that the origin of mayo lacks appeal, I actually have started to enjoy a little on a few things I eat. However, only I can apply said mayo. I only like a little bit and others seem to cake it on which is kinda gross. It also tastes even better on food with Tabasco. Also, Im assuming because your a big "workout/health guy" that you have probably eaten tuna salad or chicken salad at some point. That, my friend, contains mayo. A good alternative to mayo in those cases is Tabasco. It makes a nice chicken salad sandwich and you dont have to worry about the fatty mayo content. Slap a piece of cheese on that bitch and put it in a panini press and youre golden.

 
At 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mmmmm mayo, hot sauce, garlic, lemon juice and ketchup, mix it and you have the perfect dip for any shell fish....

 
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

white dade doesn't like cheese on anything other than pizza.

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Blind Mind said...

Also, the song "Mayonnaise" by Smashing Pumpkins is pretty killer.

 
At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You my freind are a classic aggressive moron.. A typical Yank as perceived by the rest of the world. So very classy, wont eat Mayo but loves the rice crispies..pure class. Idiot.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Adam LeBlanc said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Adam LeBlanc said...

Thats funny to me white trash are drunk people who stumble into Subway throwing sandwiches...

 
At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you

 

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