Mayonnaise: Fueling Stupididty and Communism Since 1756
From time to time I am prone to what one of my friends refers to as a “meltdown.” Some of this has to do with my name, but much more it has to do with my absolute loss of sanity, tact or volume control when in a certain situation. These situations sometimes happen when I am drunk, but more often than not they happen when I am hungry.
When I haven’t eaten for a while, I tend to get a little antsy. And by this I mean I will run over old women and small children if they are taking too long at the crosswalk in front of Subway. I will stand impatiently on line and glare at anyone taking longer than 30 seconds to order as if they had just kicked my mother in the face and was laughing about it. As you can probably figure, I don’t do too well in
But God help the sandwich shop who puts mayonnaise on a sandwich and doesn’t tell me. Pity the restaurant that lists a burger as having “Lettuce, Tomato and Onion” and fails to mention the giant glob of white goo on one of the buns. They are in for scene. Seriously, why the fuck does anyone like mayonnaise? It is the single most disgusting condiment I can think of, and yes I have had Vegemite. It’s like someone said “Let me take rancid oil, rotten eggs, beat them together, and put it on bread. YUM!” I have never tasted semen before (except, possibly, from a disgruntled cook who was the recipient of one of my anti-mayo tirades) but I would imagine it tastes something like mayonnaise. Why I don’t ever expect a girl to swallow.
Mayonnaise just tastes like White Trash. After all, those are really the only people who eat it regularly. Well, them and the French. So, when you put mayonnaise on my sandwich, you are basically saying “Hey, you look like you’re wither White Trash or French.” I’m not sure which is a bigger insult, but either way you are basically telling me I am inferior. When you serve me mayonnaise, you are not only lumping me in with a group of people who are too stupid to realize mayonnaise is the most disgusting food not called “tripe,” you are insulting my taste. You are assuming I like to eat crap, and I don’t like people making those assumptions. If you put mayonnaise on my sandwich, you may as well walk out of the kitchen and say “you sir, are a plebe and a commoner and I am going to feed you as such. I have no respect for your intelligence and therefore I am going to serve you the fuel of the uneducated and low-class.” Thanks, asshole. But unlike most obese daytime-TV addicted Americans, I prefer to not ingest stupidity with my Chicken Philly.
Say what you will about Latin culture, at least they hold the fucking mayo. While I have gone on many a tirade in Cuban restaurants, it never has anything to do with the food. Is it that hard to just leave a sandwich plain and let the people who actually want semen spread to ruin their food to request it? Leaving those of us who do not collect welfare checks to eat a sandwich the way God created it to be eaten: Without fucking mayonnaise. Why do people assume anybody wants this shit on their food? This is American, goddam it, where we have the freedom of choice. Why must you force your disgusting condiments on me? Because you, sir, are a communist, that’s why. I bet Fidel likes Mayo. Chairman Mao was a big fan. Stalin got most of his best ideas while chomping on white bread with mayonnaise. You want to be like those guys? Go ahead and have another tablespoon of Miracle Whip.
I’m off to lunch, folks. I worked until 2 last night and didn’t eat dinner and all I had was a bowl of Rice Krispies for breakfast. Think I’ll go order myself a Chicken Philly and see what happens. Keep your eyes on the Local News.