No Joke, I Take Miss America Seriously

If you know me, or at least you know me through the blog, you would think that the only reason a guy like me would be involved in pageants would be for the girls. I mean, constant access to girls who are competing to look better than the others just begs for a pseudo-slimeball like me to swoop in and nail as many as possible, right? Well, folks, sadly for you and gladly for me, that is not the case. Because if there is one thing I take seriously that nobody around me expects me to, it is the Miss America system.

The Miss America Scholarship pageant System is the world’s leading provider of scholarship money to young women. And unlike its Trump-owned counterpart Miss USA.

In the Miss USA system, those few manage to attain the national crown. Or at least become Miss Nevada. IN Miss America the bad ones are weeded out early on, as by the time you get to the state level the girls are on such lockdown they can’t even leave to get themselves a bottle of self tanner. One year I had two contestants at Miss Florida here I was responsible for and I spent the good deal of my free time running around getting them shit since they couldn’t leave the hotel. Which was a real shame as many of them I met during rehearsals seemed like they would have fun girls to hang out with.

But, again, I do not involve myself in pageants to meet women. I do it because I think it actually promotes positive things in girls like self-esteem and self-information. Most have platform issues that deal with problems relevant to young women, and they devote their titles to raising awareness and, more importantly, money for their causes. Admittedly, I got involved in this crazy world of Miss America by working as a Stage Hand at Miss University of Miami in 2000. I spent a good deal of the rehearsals walking to this girl named Melissa who ended up being the winner. So I got to take the Homecoming Queen to the Homecoming Ball, and it was then that I realized this was the single greatest undiscovered goldmine of women on Earth. After all the only other men involved were either 85 or more interested in me than the contestants.

But when I volunteered to be the director of Miss UM the following year, I began to realize what an important event it was. It was more than telling girls who wouldn’t otherwise give you the time of day that their shoes were an “embarrassment,” it was a chance to make a difference in the lives of a lot of young women. And so I took the job seriously, never even flirting or using any sort of innuendo with any of the contestants. I did such a good job, the director of Miff Florida took me under her wing and had me help her with Miss Miami that Spring, and escort at Miss Florida that summer. I took the judges certification course and judges some local pageants before moving to California.

I judged the Cinderella International Pageant in 2004 and that was my last foray into pageantry until this weekend. It was my single favorite activity I did in college, and I have missed it greatly. And so after running into some old acquaintances recently, this Sunday, I will be emceeing the Miss Miami Scholarship Pageant at the Historic Lyric Theater in Overtown at 6 PM. My co-host will be reigning Miss Florida and least year’s Miss Miami Allison Kreiger. I am fairly certain I judged her once a few years back, but I have yet to remember.

Even better, it is being run by 2001 Miss Florida Kelly Gaudet, who I met when she held the title and I was running Miss UM. She was another one of those girls that completely made me forge what I was doing as she’d walk in as I was yelling at my contestants “Hey, why the fuck are you not on your X when the music hits? What the Hell is you…….Oh, Hi Kelly. How are you? Do you need some water?” What can I say? She was Miss Florida and I was starstruck. Anyway, I am excited to be working with both of them. If any of you would like to meet either of them, or me, in person, I strongly suggest you come out and watch the Pageant. The winner advances and could possibly, like Allison and Kelly, become Miss Florida or, like Miss Florida 2003 Erikah Dunlap (who I escorted during Evening Wear in 2002) Miss America. I hope to see some of you out there. It really is a good time. Or at the very least, give the event some plug on your blogs. I have a lot of stories from pageant land that I may share with you all at another time, and you can expect a full recap on Monday.