Tips for Someone Writing a Book About Miami

A novelist was writing a book set in Miami and put a post on a local message board asking if there was any specific Miami Slang she should use in the book. Her main character, surprisingly, was Hispanic, and the only slang she could think of was “ain’t” And she wasn’t even sure a Hispanic Thug Teen would say that. Actually, Miss Novelist, he would be a lot less likely to say “isn’t” although this is still making the massive assumption that the character, in fact, speaks English.

My #1 pet peeve about any pieces or literature, film or television that take place here is that anything not called “Cocaine Cowboys” is horribly, horribly inaccurate. Why? Because the overwhelming majority of their characters are not Hispanic. For some reason producers still seem to think this is some “melting pot of diversity,” like an LA west if you will, and that we have a lot of every ethnic group. No, this place is about as homogenous as Salt Lake City, the only difference is that instead of Mormon everyone here is Latino. So my first advice to you, Miss Novelist, is make sure there are no more than two white characters in your book and every peripheral character’s last name ends in a Z.

Another tip, for accuracy everywhere someone goes should be prefaced by “The.” The Beach (meaning Miami Beach,” The Gables, The Grove, The Pines, The Lakes. Hialeah is just Hialeah, since it needs no introduction. Biscayne Bay is often balled the Bay, but actually I would say 50% of the people here couldn’t tell you what that body of water between Miami and Miami Beach is.

The county we are in is called “Dade” even if all of our official documents say something different. Everything north of us is called “The United States.” Actually, it’s called “Lauderdale,” even if you are going 20 miles north of that particular city. Not “Fort Lauderdale” just “Lauderdale” We are all very lazy and typically assign one word designations to any city. The city of Orlando is known as “Disney.” For instance “Yeah, we’re going up to Disney this weekend to visit my sister in Altamonte Springs.” Perhaps it includes a trip to the theme park, but more than likely it’s just a 3 hour ride on Florida’s Turnpike.

Papi is a term women use for men, like “Oh, Papi, that shirt looks great on you.” But more often it is used after the word “Ay,” which roughly means “oh” and is used in exasperation. Like “Ay, Papi, fuck me harder.” “Mami” is a term men use for women, most often in strip clubs. As in “Oye, Mami, come here and let me see that ass.” “Oye” is like “Hey.” A lot of people also seem to think it is the name of any bartender, waiter or doorman at a nightclub. “Oye, lemme get two Johnny Black on the Rocks and a Vodka Red Bull.”

Cabron is popular as a sort of derogatory term among friends. “Oye, Cabron, hurry up we’re gonna be late.” Actually, Hispanics never concern themselves with punctuality, so that would be an improper usage.

Every Hispanic guy ends every sentence with “bro.” Regardless of whether or not he is addressing a male or not. Many girls use this term as well. A typical Miamian might say “Oye, Bro, I was down at the Ale House in Kendall, and Bro, you should have seen the asses in there Bro. There were like, chicks everywhere, bro. Unbelievable, bro.” This is not an exaggeration. Oh, yeah, and every guy in Miami is an ass man. Every street has at least four different names. SR-826 is called “The Palmetto,” SR-836 is called “The Dolphin.” Everyone hates both of them. All 27 of the White people live in a place called Pinecrest. Except the White Trash, who live in a place called “Cutler Ridge,” who have now renamed themselves “Cutler Bay.” But that is all that has changed.

Hopefully you can inject some accuracy into your books as even the likes of Elmore Leonard and Dave Barry, while both writers in the league above the league that is out of my league, still don’t quite get the essence of the overwhelming Hispanic population. Not that I do, but I try to help anyone writing about Miami understand that if you want to be accurate, you've gotta keep the American characters to an absolute minimum. I’d say no more than 11%, but that’s just a guess.