Monday, March 19, 2007

What NOT to Do if you Want a Drink in A Crowded Bar

After the St. Patrick’s Day weekend I had, I really don’t give a fuck if you all are tired of reading Service Industry rants. I know I did my own, and I know that guy who does has done it to death, and I know I got forwarded something from the Phat Phree a long time ago from some bartender talking about the assholes who come into his bar. But none of those guys (except me, obviously) live in this little shithole of a beach town we call Dade County. Because here on St. Paddy’s day, not only do we get the obscenely drunken Irish like everyone else, but we also get the obscenely drunken Hispancs. Not exactly two ethnicities known for their pacifist sensibilities. So it is only a matter of time before “West Side Story” erupts and the police are called. And guess who gets the brunt of the aggressions? The bartender.

You know, we’re working as hard as we can, and as much as I hate waiting, I’m not going to stress myself out because you are getting impatient. Lets get some shit straight right now. There are ways of getting a drink from me, and ways of making sure you are not served until I have exhausted every other option up to and including walking into the men’s room to see if anyone needs anything. And being the negative, angry sonofabitch that I am, I am going to tell you all what the fuck NOT to do so you don’t piss me off and you get a drink. Tomorrow, I will blow some sunshine up your ass and tell you what you SHOULD do.

#1 – My name is not “Oye.” That girl next to me, she is not “Mami.” Nor are we named Hey, Buddy, Baby, Pal, Chief, You and most definitely not Bro. Definitely not Bro. If I told you my name, use it and that might help. But calling me something other than the name Lois had the good sense to give me is not going to get you too far.

#2 – You whistle at Dogs, not at people. I know in some places it may be the acceptable way of getting people’s attention, but here it is the fastest way to ensure you do not get served. Here it is about the most disrespectful way you can address someone, and as such I will treat you with the same respect you show me. And that is absolutely none.

#3 – Flirting doesn’t work ladies. I’m tall and I have blue eyes and I’m a bartender. When I do my checkout I average 5 phone numbers on receipts a night. And these are from girls I don’t even remember talking to. I am not exaggerating. I’ve never used one, but your flirtation is about as useful to me as the $2 you are going to leave on 6 Mojitos. I’ll wait on you when it’s your turn, and that is that.

#4 – If I want to serve you, I’ll ask you what you want. Otherwise you are invisible to me. So unless you are a friend, or at least amiable acquaintance of mine, don’t yell in my face. I work hard and I work fast and I work well but even the best bartender in the world can’t serve you immediately when the customer to bartender ration is about 300:1. Sorry.

#5 – Insults will get your credit card cut. If you tell me I’m taking too long, I will take longer. If you tell me I suck, I won’t be able to find your credit card. Sorry. Insulting a busy, stressed-out bartender is about the quickest way to get fucked with. I am not really insulted, but what I am is irritated that you have the unmitigated gall to insult a guy working as hard as I am. So if you want to spend your Sunday on the phone with your bank, go ahead and tell me you don’t like my service. Otherwise, bite your tongue and don’t leave me a tip. I am making more tonight than you probably did all week so the tip on your $27 tab is pretty much irrelevant.

#6 – I see a credit card, I see more work. Don’t flash your plastic like that means I’m gonna make more money. All it means is you are going to order two drinks and make me sit and wait while the computer runs your nearly-maxed-out Visa, possibly declining it, and meanwhile all those people behind you are waiting longer for drinks. And that means less drinks served and less tips made. I see plastic, I turn the other way. Unless its an Amex Black.

#7 – The phrases “When You Get a Chance” “Excuse Me” or “Hey (fill in incorrect name from #1)” should never proceed a drink order. As soon as I hear that you are now officially Charlie Brown’s teacher.

#8 – You get one order. Got that? One. So if you tell me five drinks to make, and I get them, then the girls behind you flirt with you and ask you to order for them and all of a sudden I’ve got four dudes ordering a round of Cosmos, I know they’re not for you. Its crowded and those dumb girls behind you can wait their turn like all the other girls I am summarily ignoring. So order your shit, get it, pay for it, and be gone. I have been known to tell people “One order at a time” and send them to the back of the line for such behavior.

Thank you for letting me vent today. If you ever come into my bar just yell “Hey, White Dade,” and I’ll hook you up. Tomorrow, as promised, will be some tips on how to act to get served faster in a crowded bar. Those you many actually find useful.

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At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Chloe said...

Hmm...why are vowel ending countries shitholes? Doesn't America end with a vowel too?

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Gland Jupiter said...

An excerpt from March 7th "These Are Better Days" post:

"My dismissal from that location led me to my new job, which pays me more, in cash, working two nights a week than any "real" job I ever had. I typically only have to work on Friday and am set for the week."

Your Love/Hate machine is the most powerful I've ever seen.

At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

Great post Chief!

At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha...good to know for the future...I'm waiting to hear these tips for quick service

At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow can you be a little more of a whiny a few miles north and get a job bartending in ocala or some other redneck shithole town and you wont have to worry about people calling you "bro"

you'll also make a third of what you make here, but hey fuck it, you'll be knee-deep in "white" girls

At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

... and since when is it rude to say "excuse me" or "when you get a chance" before ordering a drink?

I'm dropping eight bucks for a warm heineken after waiting ten minutes behind carlitos who's buying five sex on the beaches to impress some chick he's not going to bang and her ugly friends, and now I need to walk on eggshells cause you're stressed out about your two day a week job? where you get (supposedly) five numbers a night?

dude, go back to writing about strippers,cocaine, and ass fingering

At 4:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, so much pain. i would pass you some Kleenex but i don't buy the Cosco-sized boxes your sadness would require.
i knew a girl who was once raped by this guy in a bathroom in some frat guy's house in little havana and even she was more composed than this. i doubt she would "blog" such hateful crap (which btw, wreaks of posturing), but then again, she is of stronger character.
on a side note, stereotyping is the hallmark of an inexperienced and ignorant mind. had your rant/cry session been focused on the actual problem at hand- assholes at bars- then you're little attempt at post-modern americana lit might have passed as a readable editorial. hell, it might have even endeared you to more "american" girls to throw their panties at you. i know a stud like you turns down more pussy than the humane society, but then you could claim to get 10 numbers a night instead of just 5! think about how cool you'd sound to readers all over!!!
as for the hispanics being a pain...get used to it, we fuck more than just about anyone else. it's just a matter of time before we're all over The United States of America, leaving only the cold places without beachfront property for the "real americans."

At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last I checked the country you live, and unfortunately were born in ends with a vowel you dunce cap.

At 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have issues, and It's the first time that I feel offended about your writing.
Just to let you know, in Latin America we have the same code. No hey, no mami, no che or none of the crap that you mention.
Since this is the last time that I read your blog.
Guys, I am starting my own blog
"Latin Dade". What you think about that?

At 7:41 PM, Anonymous White Dade said...

Chloe - Yes. Yes it does. I never said it didn't.

GJ - Oh, I love the job. LOVE IT. because it gives me the opportunity to get my frustrations out on a lot of people and I get paid for it.

Joe - Thanks, Bro.

SCC - I'm not sure that these are hard and fast tips. More of my inner monologue during some shifts.

Anon1 - Of course, my cost of living will also be a third.

Anon2 - It's about calling out. NOt the best method of getting a dirnk when its crowded. We are smarter than you think. The rest of your comment is dead on.

Anon3 - Interesitng take. The problem is that nearly all of the assholes at my particular place of employment are of one particular race. So I cna't really comment on other types of assholes because 98% of the one's I run accross here are Hispanic. It's a White thing, you wouldn't understand.

Anon4 - you like that "dunce" term, don't you?

Anon5 - I think that sounds redundant. And I will tell you the same thing I tell everyone else who wants to start a blog to counter me: You have to have talent to be as successful as I have. Good luck.

At 8:59 PM, Blogger Manola Blablablanik said...

I used to bartend at Fox's. I was lucky ... that was a cool bar. I don't know how I'd feel about asshole central in SoBe. I see it too -- even from the customer side. When I open my restaurant Manola's Meatballs I will hire you.

At 10:01 AM, Blogger The Diva Tee's Thoughts said...

Wow! lol

Some of what you say I agree with but some of it is just plain arrogant and mean. I still love reading your blogs though.

At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The cap obviously fits so the moniker shall stay. Nice reply to my comments on your credit card post...err...uh huh. Thought so.

At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow... i was going to put up a comment saying that this post was kinda whiny and pissy and reeks of insecurities associated with being a bartender at a bar where all your clientelle are shorter, fatter, less attractive douchebags and tools with much higher paying jobs, but... apparently like 15 people already beat me to it.

i see no need to pile on, so instead, lets try this... try putting yourself in your customer's shoes.

for the most part these guys are gigantic tools who grind away at some gay office job which allows them little to no interaction with anything vagueley resembling an attractice female. they come out for happy hour on friday and just want to get a cold beer, but instead, have to deal with some self righteous bartender who, despite having a job where attractive women actually come to him, still finds something to bitch about and has to turn an ordinary unpretentious kinda bar into a southbeach like 'you'll get served when i feel like serving you because i am the bartender and you are at my mercy' kind of a scene.

i know there are pricks galore out there, but try & remember that some of your customers just want a fucking beer after long week


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