What NOT to Do if you Want a Drink in A Crowded Bar
You know, we’re working as hard as we can, and as much as I hate waiting, I’m not going to stress myself out because you are getting impatient. Lets get some shit straight right now. There are ways of getting a drink from me, and ways of making sure you are not served until I have exhausted every other option up to and including walking into the men’s room to see if anyone needs anything. And being the negative, angry sonofabitch that I am, I am going to tell you all what the fuck NOT to do so you don’t piss me off and you get a drink. Tomorrow, I will blow some sunshine up your ass and tell you what you SHOULD do.
#1 – My name is not “Oye.” That girl next to me, she is not “Mami.” Nor are we named Hey, Buddy, Baby, Pal, Chief, You and most definitely not Bro. Definitely not Bro. If I told you my name, use it and that might help. But calling me something other than the name Lois had the good sense to give me is not going to get you too far.
#2 – You whistle at Dogs, not at people. I know in some places it may be the acceptable way of getting people’s attention, but here it is the fastest way to ensure you do not get served. Here it is about the most disrespectful way you can address someone, and as such I will treat you with the same respect you show me. And that is absolutely none.
#3 – Flirting doesn’t work ladies. I’m tall and I have blue eyes and I’m a bartender. When I do my checkout I average 5 phone numbers on receipts a night. And these are from girls I don’t even remember talking to. I am not exaggerating. I’ve never used one, but your flirtation is about as useful to me as the $2 you are going to leave on 6 Mojitos. I’ll wait on you when it’s your turn, and that is that.
#4 – If I want to serve you, I’ll ask you what you want. Otherwise you are invisible to me. So unless you are a friend, or at least amiable acquaintance of mine, don’t yell in my face. I work hard and I work fast and I work well but even the best bartender in the world can’t serve you immediately when the customer to bartender ration is about 300:1. Sorry.
#5 – Insults will get your credit card cut. If you tell me I’m taking too long, I will take longer. If you tell me I suck, I won’t be able to find your credit card. Sorry. Insulting a busy, stressed-out bartender is about the quickest way to get fucked with. I am not really insulted, but what I am is irritated that you have the unmitigated gall to insult a guy working as hard as I am. So if you want to spend your Sunday on the phone with your bank, go ahead and tell me you don’t like my service. Otherwise, bite your tongue and don’t leave me a tip. I am making more tonight than you probably did all week so the tip on your $27 tab is pretty much irrelevant.
#6 – I see a credit card, I see more work. Don’t flash your plastic like that means I’m gonna make more money. All it means is you are going to order two drinks and make me sit and wait while the computer runs your nearly-maxed-out Visa, possibly declining it, and meanwhile all those people behind you are waiting longer for drinks. And that means less drinks served and less tips made. I see plastic, I turn the other way. Unless its an Amex Black.
#7 – The phrases “When You Get a Chance” “Excuse Me” or “Hey (fill in incorrect name from #1)” should never proceed a drink order. As soon as I hear that you are now officially Charlie Brown’s teacher.
#8 – You get one order. Got that? One. So if you tell me five drinks to make, and I get them, then the girls behind you flirt with you and ask you to order for them and all of a sudden I’ve got four dudes ordering a round of Cosmos, I know they’re not for you. Its crowded and those dumb girls behind you can wait their turn like all the other girls I am summarily ignoring. So order your shit, get it, pay for it, and be gone. I have been known to tell people “One order at a time” and send them to the back of the line for such behavior.
Thank you for letting me vent today. If you ever come into my bar just yell “Hey, White Dade,” and I’ll hook you up. Tomorrow, as promised, will be some tips on how to act to get served faster in a crowded bar. Those you many actually find useful.