Tuesday, March 20, 2007

What TO Do if you Want a Drink in A Crowded Bar

And now, what you SHOULD do if you want to get served

#1 – Wait your fucking turn. That’s right. Sit quietly and wait. Ladies, you know how when you go out and guys hit on you all night but the guy you end up hooking up with is the one who sat in the corner and didn’t talk to you all night until you approached him? Bartedners are the same exact way. The less you say the cooler we know you are and the better we know our tip will be. That guy screaming for 4 Irish Car Bombs like they were actual, real live Irish Car Bombs? He’s gonna leave me a buck fifty and I know it.

#2 – Say something funny. Seriously, if someone makes a funny aside to me while I’m making drinks or gives me a compliment or just says something original, they are always next. I always need something to lighten up my day.

#3 – Be polite. Thank me for the drinks and don’t mention how long it took you to get them. You don’t necessarily have to leave me a monster tip (although it helps) because in a busy bar I’m walking out of there with a lot of money so as long as your tip is reasonable I more appreciate your attitude. Your candor and respect is much more useful to me than your cash. However………

#4 – If you tip me in advance, you will not regret it. And I’m not talking about a few bucks, but if you throw me a 20 at the beginning of the evening trust me: I will see you first when you come to the bar. Similarly, if you threw me a great tip last time you were in, I will probably remember you again.

#5 – ASK for drinks. There is a huge difference in how you are perceived when you say “Yes, can I have three Grey Goose and Tonics and a Bud Light?” form “Yeah, lemme get 6 Patron shots and an Apple Martini.” In one case, you are respectfully asking, in the other case, you are telling me to give you something. People who ask may just get something bought for them. People who demand get ignored.

#6 – Order simple drinks. If you come up and order 5 mojitos, I probably will ignore you when you come back. Is that right? No, not really, you should be entitled to order whatever you want. But some people don’t understand that mojitos are a pain in the ass and order them like it’s bottled beer. The guy ordering anything on the rocks or single mixed drinks? He’s getting helped first every time. Most people tip a dollar a drink whether it s a bottle of beer of a Long Island. Which leads me to my next point…

#7 – Tip on degree of difficulty. For instance, say you order five Belvedere and Tonics and your bill is $55. A $5 tip on that is acceptable since the drinks were easy. Now say you order 5 Red Headed Sluts, or whatever stupid shot it is you and your friends want to try. And your bill in $45 dollars. $5 on that is a fucking joke. The MINIMUM on any drink that requires a good amount of extra work is $2 per drink. So that’s $10 on that bill. You see where I’m going? It’s not so much the price but how much work I have to do. If it’s busy and you order more than 2 mojitos, I’d better be seeing a 10 in your hand or that’s the last mojito you ever get at my bar.

#8 – Pay Cash. That’s right. You may think we like tabs because you get drunk and we throw on an automatic gratuity, but the truth is that cash transactions take one-fifth the time and allow us to make more money by serving more people. It minimizes possible complications from broken computers and declined cards, and allows the whole bar-going experience to move a lot more smoothly. Tell me you have cash when I’m looking at you and I guarantee you are served before that guy waving his Amex in my face.

So folks, remember all this next time you are out at a bar where it is hard to get a drink. It is not impossible, but you have to respect your bartenders or they will not respect you. Flirting doesn’t work, and neither do insults. Order simple drinks and pay in cash and tip ahead of time and you will find you bar-going experience to be much more pleasant than those jerkoffs screaming “Oye” at the tops of their lungs. Incidentally, if I ever hear anyone yell “White Dade” at me when I’m busy I may just lose my shit. Or quit blogging altogether. That’s when I know its just gotten TOO big.

12 Comments:

At 8:42 PM, Blogger angel, jr. said...

Yah, I agree. I think if a person expects to get served, they've got to be polite about it. I always tip at the beginning, just because I know that I'll be relying on the bartender for a good part of the night. And even if I tip at the beginning, I don't mind waiting my turn. My tips are for appreciation and not a bribe.

 
At 11:27 PM, Anonymous Johnson said...

A redheaded slut requires an extra tip due to degree of difficulty? It takes 0 skill to pour jager, peach schnapps and cranberry juice into a big mixer and into some shot glasses.
If you're gonna be a bartender, you're gonna have to realize that not everyone is going to be Dr.Cox from Scrubs and is going to order straight Scotch everytime out.

 
At 1:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But mojitos are yummy. And I didn't know it was complicated to make them. Gee whiz. OK, gimmie a mint julep then.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger Blind Mind said...

You'd enjoy me as a patron at your bar. Im either whiskey/soda, whiskey/ginger, or beer. Im always polite and I tip reasonably well. What bar you at anyways? Obviously you wont post it, but you can email it...

Only time I get annoyed with bartenders is when they act like theyre saving lives and their job is so fuckin complicated. I understand frustration during rush hours at a bar because I used to cook and work as a barback back in the day. It used to piss me off listening to bartenders bitch all night because its not like the bar owner walked up to them on the side of the street and said, "Come work at my bar or I'll kill you." They chose the job and that comes with the job, so they should suck it up and deal.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger The Diva Tee's Thoughts said...

Wow! lol

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger ジェネヴィーヴ said...

Selfish American. You know tips aren't expected in Europe? You have it good.

 
At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Joe said...

Europe? Just another reason to love the USA!

What if they call you Chief White Dade? Or Chief Writes A Blog?

Good stuff Chief Writes a Blog, I'll have to keep it in mind when I belly up to the bar and get a diet coke.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger Bad at Life said...

This all seems like solid advice and as a guy who only drinks beer or straight shots, I like to think I rarely make life difficult for the guy working behind the bar. Still, for all your advice, there are some bartenders that are assholes no matter how polite you are or how well you tip them. I'm not sure there's any other job that relies on tips, where you can be a total asshole to customers and still expect to get paid.

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger Paul said...

didnt spiderman say something about power and responsibility?

in any power dynamic, it's on the wielder of the power to show patience and restraint. the problem with the bar situation is each respective party thinks theyre in power:

customer: the customer is always right, im paying for you to serve me, etc etc, therefore I'm in power. since I have a lame job and no status in society, this is my chance to try and alpha male someone who cant really do anything back to me. i read somewhere that women like being treated like shit, but im too much of a pussy and desperate to get laid, so ill be nice to them but treat you like an animal to show them how complex and multifaceted i am. im in charge!

bartender: i subjectively decide the order and quantity of something that you are coming to me for. offend me in the slightest, and soup-nazi rules apply and you'll never get enough booze to muster up the courage to be talk to chicks who spend hours finding outfits to make their suspiciously not-hot bodies look pretty good. i might be a bartender but this is temporary and i'm not a pussy. ill bust out every form of passive-aggressive service-industry protest short of getting fired to make sure you get bad service.

i see service industry people as being just that -- SERVICE. i pay them and they offer me services which aren't necessarily required for the survival of me or society, they just make things easier, more convenient, or enjoyable. but that doesn't give me or anyone the right to be rude to them.

..but saying "if everyone were nice to each other there wouldn't be problems" is about as reasonable as saying "if there were no guns there would be no war", so whatever.

just dont be dicks and we can all be cool, babies.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Some Catchy Chic said...

I have found that tunneling my way through the massive crowds to the front of the bar while smiling innocently and standing right up front with money in my hand is a good tactic.

 
At 3:50 AM, Blogger RAYNOK the EGGMAN said...

I was in Barracuda (that shit-hole in the Grove) about 3 years ago when a 7 foot tall man in a well-tailored suit saddled up to the bar and ordered a glass of Orangutan Tit Fat. The bartender stared at him for a long moment and said he had to go fetch it, and he'd be a while. "I can wait," grumbled the tall stranger, his eyes never breaking the intense staredown with the bartender. The bartender turned on his heels and walked out of the bar without another word. The stranger just waited, and then waited some more. For 9 days that man waited. He slept outside the bar when it closed and was the first one inside when it opened. Finally, at the stroke of midnight on the 9th day, the bartender staggered into the bar, clutching a large, oily glass of extremely pungent, fresh-squeezed orangutan tit fat. The stranger thanked the bartender and poured the oily lipid into his jacket pocket, before tipping his hat and heading out the door. the bartender stabbed him in the back. the mysterious stranger had forgotten to tip. the bartender said he'd sell me the tit fat for $1.50. I didn't want it but I said OK cause i was afraid. I gave him a $5 and said keep the change. He gave me a free Miller Lite later on, it was pretty cool.

 
At 9:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how about you stop tellng me how to order my drinks and get back to work you lazy arse bartender...

 

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