What TO Do if you Want a Drink in A Crowded Bar
And now, what you SHOULD do if you want to get served
#1 – Wait your fucking turn. That’s right. Sit quietly and wait. Ladies, you know how when you go out and guys hit on you all night but the guy you end up hooking up with is the one who sat in the corner and didn’t talk to you all night until you approached him? Bartedners are the same exact way. The less you say the cooler we know you are and the better we know our tip will be. That guy screaming for 4 Irish Car Bombs like they were actual, real live Irish Car Bombs? He’s gonna leave me a buck fifty and I know it.
#2 – Say something funny. Seriously, if someone makes a funny aside to me while I’m making drinks or gives me a compliment or just says something original, they are always next. I always need something to lighten up my day.
#3 – Be polite. Thank me for the drinks and don’t mention how long it took you to get them. You don’t necessarily have to leave me a monster tip (although it helps) because in a busy bar I’m walking out of there with a lot of money so as long as your tip is reasonable I more appreciate your attitude. Your candor and respect is much more useful to me than your cash. However………
#4 – If you tip me in advance, you will not regret it. And I’m not talking about a few bucks, but if you throw me a 20 at the beginning of the evening trust me: I will see you first when you come to the bar. Similarly, if you threw me a great tip last time you were in, I will probably remember you again.
#5 – ASK for drinks. There is a huge difference in how you are perceived when you say “Yes, can I have three Grey Goose and Tonics and a Bud Light?” form “Yeah, lemme get 6 Patron shots and an Apple Martini.” In one case, you are respectfully asking, in the other case, you are telling me to give you something. People who ask may just get something bought for them. People who demand get ignored.
#6 – Order simple drinks. If you come up and order 5 mojitos, I probably will ignore you when you come back. Is that right? No, not really, you should be entitled to order whatever you want. But some people don’t understand that mojitos are a pain in the ass and order them like it’s bottled beer. The guy ordering anything on the rocks or single mixed drinks? He’s getting helped first every time. Most people tip a dollar a drink whether it s a bottle of beer of a
#7 – Tip on degree of difficulty. For instance, say you order five Belvedere and Tonics and your bill is $55. A $5 tip on that is acceptable since the drinks were easy. Now say you order 5 Red Headed Sluts, or whatever stupid shot it is you and your friends want to try. And your bill in $45 dollars. $5 on that is a fucking joke. The MINIMUM on any drink that requires a good amount of extra work is $2 per drink. So that’s $10 on that bill. You see where I’m going? It’s not so much the price but how much work I have to do. If it’s busy and you order more than 2 mojitos, I’d better be seeing a 10 in your hand or that’s the last mojito you ever get at my bar.
#8 – Pay Cash. That’s right. You may think we like tabs because you get drunk and we throw on an automatic gratuity, but the truth is that cash transactions take one-fifth the time and allow us to make more money by serving more people. It minimizes possible complications from broken computers and declined cards, and allows the whole bar-going experience to move a lot more smoothly. Tell me you have cash when I’m looking at you and I guarantee you are served before that guy waving his Amex in my face.
So folks, remember all this next time you are out at a bar where it is hard to get a drink. It is not impossible, but you have to respect your bartenders or they will not respect you. Flirting doesn’t work, and neither do insults. Order simple drinks and pay in cash and tip ahead of time and you will find you bar-going experience to be much more pleasant than those jerkoffs screaming “Oye” at the tops of their lungs. Incidentally, if I ever hear anyone yell “White Dade” at me when I’m busy I may just lose my shit. Or quit blogging altogether. That’s when I know its just gotten TOO big.