One of the nice things about living in the capital of Latin Ameirca is that you have the opportunity to be on the most watched TV show in Latin America
, And so it was, in perhaps the ultimate twist of Irony ever, I came to appear on “Sabado Gigante.” Never heard of it? You, my friend, are obviously A) Not Hispanic and B)Do not live in Miami
. Because if you have ever been over to a Hispanic household on a Saturday night, I guarantee you you have seen this show. It is sort of a variety show where they have different people come on and do different weird stunts, Latin celebrity interviews, musical performances, and lots of scantily clad women. I would say it’s sort of like the Ed Sullivan show for Hispanics, but that would really be a poor analogy. As I’m sure Ed never had a segment where women in Teddy’s popped balloons on the laps of seemingly clueless “Gringos.”
How I ended up on the show is a long story I’m not going to go into, but suffice to say during auditions I somehow miraculously remembered all the Spanish I managed to forget when dealing with incompetent workers at Publix. As a matter of fact, I spoke the best Spanish out of my four friends who auditioned, and as such was awarded a slot on the show. Originally it was to be me, my friend Steve and my other friend Todd who has had a Cuban girlfriend for 10 years and watches the show religiously. The segment we were to appear on was called “Gringos Plantinados,” which means “White Guys Something.” You see not even the producer of the show, nor 5 of my Dominican friends, nor the three Spanish models we were appearing with, knew what “Platinados” meant. This, friends, is pretty much indicative of how things run over at Univision. And while I find the term “gringo” to be mildly offensive and wonder what the outrage would be if we had a similar segment on “Good Morning America” called “Spics on Parade” I swallowed my pride for a chance at $5000 and a new Hyundai.
So as Todd, Steve and myself waited to rehearse our choreographed dance numbers with three Latin models who I am sure are famous sex symbols in Latin America but rate about an 8 on my scale, in walks Tim. Tim, skinny and pale, balding and looking about as Hispanic as Conan O’Brien, comes in and starts conversing in fluent Spanish with the producers. We then find out that not only had Tim been married to a Cuban girl for 3 years, he has family in Ecuador and takes salsa lessons. So needless to say Todd got cut and me and Steve pretty much figured we were fucked.
After three days of rehearsals, Tim was looking like a full-on salsero with his hot Latina partner. Steve looked shaky doing his raggaeton dance with another surgically-enhanced “sexy,” and I was doing some weird belly-dancing choreographed dance with the only model who did not have her husband in tow. And who had appeared in Playboy. Twice. During downtime we enjoyed teaching the girls derogatory terms for homosexuals (pirata del culo, por ejemplo) and tricking them into saying things like “You want fucky fucky?” Surprising as it may seem, this was mostly Steve’s doing.
Labels: Hispanics, Sabado Gigante, TV