Wednesday, April 11, 2007

California Girls Know How to Stay Thin

I hate California girls. No, I mean, I generally dislike most girls that come from the Golden State within ten minutes of meeting them. Why I dislike them so much is a whole post in and of itself that I will do on a day when I have little if any material, but suffice to say they may be my least favorite brand of girl not called “Stripper.” That’s not to say I wouldn’t date any, all of my ex’s save for one live in LA, but their personalities can generally either be categorized as “Stuck –up-bitch” or “Vapid moron.” Usually both, or at least this has been my experience. That being said, one thing I must say for Cali girls: They know how to stay skinny.

I arrived here on the left coast Saturday and was more or less convinced every woman in my family had discovered cocaine in the last year. Seriously, my sister, all her friends, my step mom, my Aunt, my sister-in-law, EVERYONE looked like they’d lost at least 15 pounds. I asked my sister about it and she informed that a couple of people had lost some weight, but pretty much everyone was the same. Then I went out that night and I was hard-pressed to see a girl over a size 6. They all had those skinny shoulders and arms you see on celebrities, flat stomachs and slim legs. No matter what race, color, religion, whatever, it was like everyone in there was trying to look as thin as possible. And then I remembered the one thing I do love about California girls: They are, hands down, the hottest in the World.

Perhaps I have been living in a town for too long where “thick” is in. I have met many a white female transplant who has said “God, I love it down here. A girl can have a few extra pounds and still be considered hot.” Yes, I suppose that is the case, as most men in Dade prefer some “junk” in the proverbial “trunk” and many would not look twice at a girl with hips under 38 inches. “Sucking in” is unheard of for Miami girls, and I meet few if any who ever say their ass is too fat. While I find this to be highly unacceptable, it is, like most things I find highly unacceptable in Miami, something I have learned to look at and complain about profusely but don’t ever expect to change.

So thanks again, Miami. That you for desensitizing me to fat and starving me for skinny. I really do understand what transplant girls are talking about now, as most girls who consider themselves “healthy” in Miami would fall somewhere between “obese” and “shamu” in California. Not that Miami is the Milwaukee of the South, just that once you get off South Beach your typical Dade girl isn’t devoting her entire life to looking like a toothpick. Which is a shame. Of course, some might say it is that steadfast dedication to thin that makes California girls have such awful personalities, but I like to think its just the water shortages, wildfires, constant influx of illegal immigrants, occasional rolling blackouts and unrelenting traffic that have them so pissed off. Makes a lot more sense to me, but who knows? All I know is that when I get back to Miami on Thursday, everyone is going to be looking a whole lot fatter.

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At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is true. It's probably all the rice and beans that Miami girls were raised on that contributes to their chubbiness whereas California girls are, from the ones I know at least, into tofu and salads.

At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never been to Miami so I can't comment on that, but I do know that if you see a fatty in LA they're a tourist.

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

Hmmm, I lived in LA all of my growing up years and find most of this to be bullshit. Guess it depends on where you hang out.

If you're on Melrose or Sunset then yeah. But who the hell wants to hang there?

At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait... hold on a second here...

you mean you dont particularly like Latin women? only "white" girls?

wow, never heard that from you before

that gun being held to your head forcing you to live here must be pretty scary-looking

At 1:20 PM, Blogger David in DC said...


You've discovered something the Beach Boys sang about roughly 40 years ago.

I agree. The eye-candy in California is unbelievable for a heterosexual man.


At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Dude, you totally need to go to Arizona State. Its legendary in the Pac 10. Just go my son, go.


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