Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Nobody Ever Writes Movies About Bill Pullman

Have you ever seen that movie where this guy, I think he’s a doctor or an accountant or some other highly-successful guy from a good family, falls in love with this girl and they get engaged? And as they plan the wedding and his family meets her and everyone gets all excited she dumps him during a seemingly romantic weekend in New York to run off with some guy she barely knows? Or maybe that TV show where the hard-working warehouse guy is in love with this gorgeous receptionist in the management office and he finally sets a date for their wedding. Only this douchebag sales guy has developed a “crush” on her and tells her and she calls the wedding off. All of a sudden poor warehouse guy is left heartbroken and alone. Forced to watch the love of his life pine over the richer, better looking sales guy who has now moved to New York.

That movie, for those who didn’t realize it, is “Sleepless in Seattle.” Or “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Or, if you change a couple of details, every single movie John Cusak has ever appeared in. The TV show? That’s The Office. Only the perspective you get is form the “Destined-to-be-together” lovers who then live happily ever after and not the poor schmuck who got fucked over. But, sadly, nobody ever thinks about that poor guy who thought he had found the love of his life and lost her because she had some silly romantic notion. I saw “Wicked” a few weeks ago and it really drives home the point that history, and fiction too, are told from the perspective of the winners. So we just assume the losers went on to live happily ever after too, but I bet that is rarely the case.

I’m pretty sure the night Meg Ryan runs off with Tom Hanks, old Walter cranked out a vitriolic email calling her an immature bitch, a stupid whore, and a lot of other names not suitable for this family blog. I’m sure he immediately told his entire family and they all end up resenting her for calling off an expensive wedding. Then there is her alienating every mutual friend they had and pretty much being seen as a untrustworthy whore by most of their acquaintances. No wonder they moved to Seattle.

Does anyone ever stop to think that the heroes and heroines in these romantic comedies are actually cheaters and men who do not respect someone else’s relationship? Of course not, because Hollywood likes to perpetuate that unrealistic myth of “soul mates” and “the one.” They like us to believe that love conquers all and that its okay to fuck someone over if it is to be with your “destiny.” Hey, newsflash, assholes. What this does is gives women everywhere justification for cheating. Nobody ever makes movies about guys who fuck around being destined for their mistresses, do they? Oh, no. That guy is always the bad guy. But the girl who flies across the country to see some total stranger when she is ENGAGED to someone else? She’s romantic. No, she’s actually worse because ultimately she is going to ruin somebody’s dreams.

John Cusak has shown men everywhere that if you love somebody, fuck that guy she’s seeing. You’re better for her than he is. No, pal, you’re not, You’ve just seen one too many John Cusak movies. But still you continue to pursue a girl who is already promised to somebody else, and then are shocked when she decides to actually go through with it and MARRY him. That’s how the real world works buddy. Sometimes people get married for reasons other than love, but it is their mistake to make. And that guy you are trying to get her to stand up at the altar? What has he ever done to you? I know you think this may be “true love,” but “true love” only exists in one place: John Cusak movies.

There is a reason Closer is my favorite movie. It is the only love story I have ever seen that actually portrays relationships in a realistic light: fragile, fleeting and ultimately destructive. The romantic male who tries to steal what he considers his “true love” ultimately gets fucked over by the husband and loses both women, and the romantic female ends up staying in a more or less unsatisfying marriage. It is the anti-Romantic Comedy. Or, as I like to call it, real life.

So the next time you start welling up in the last scene when the boring accountant gets left for the sympathetic hero, remember that that guy has feelings too. Remember that the illusion of “the one” is like the siren luring ships into the rocky shore: Once you realize it’s a fake you’ve pretty much lost everything you have. The sooner you stop believing in that nonsense the sooner you stop fucking people over. Because when you find out that the “one” was actually just the “37” you’ll have wasted a lot of time. And, more importantly, a lot of people.

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At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Joe said...

Okay Chief, whats the matter. Slump? Broken heart? Relationship frustration? Spill the beans.

At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I don't agree with the commenter yesterday asserting that this blog has "jumped the shark", it's not quite the same either.

I know you have acknowledged that your creative energies are now being concentrated elsewhere but the tone of this blog has changed. Gone are the quasi-racist rants concerning everyday life in Dade, to be replaced with more, less edgy, observations dealing with boy/girl dynamics.

Please don't let this blog go the way of TAN's. The tone of his website has completely changed. His posts now are a shell of what they once were, there's no way he composes "Advantages of being Assimilated" today.

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, what did this girl do to you?

At 7:45 PM, Blogger aikin said...

The Office warehouse guy got maced last night when he tried to kick the other guy's ass (I watch that show every week and can't remember their names).

Anyway, I've got a long involved real life story I won't go into here about someone who dumped a long term boyfriend to elope with someone else on a whim. The whim lasted about two weeks and they got annulled. Fortunately I was only a bystander to that train wreck and not one of the participants!!

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Dan-E said...

i thought i was the only guy who wondered about shit like this. i like the "clerks" reference.

At 9:01 AM, Blogger angelina said...

Breakfast at Tiffany's is about a call girl who falls in love with a gigolo. In the book, the gigolo's character is gay.

At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe the reason nobody writes movies about bill pullman is because at different times in our life, we are both bill pullman and john cusak.

i've stolen other guys' girlfriends with no remorse and for a little while even fucked another man's wife without an ounce of compunction. i justified it by adopting the rationale that "if he were taking care of business and keeping her happy, she wouldn't be looking elsewhere in the 1st place."

its a fine theory, but it doesn't account for the fact that some girls are just fucked in the head, and girls like that will do what they're gonna do regardless of how good (or bad) you treat them. until i made the mistake of getting seriously involved with one such crazy bitch, i never quite grasped that concept. yeah, karma's a motherfucker.

my point is... maybe its your fault for not keeping her happy and causing her to entertain other offers. or maybe... she's just a fucking headcase and a worthless whore who would've strayed no matter how good (or bad) you treated her. only you and her know the truth.

and no... this blog has not jumped the shark. not yet at least.

At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never seen that movie. Usually there are movies about a woman whose boyfriend is a jerk, and she realizes she really likes the NICE, sweet guy. Example: "The Wedding Singer."

I guess you will see what you want to see to justify your point...

Men still cheat more than women. As for "soul mates," I agree that it's a silly Hollywood idea, but sometimes the nice guy IS your soul mate, or close enough to it, and us girls are smart enough to know it. Yes, there are stupid and crazy girls, but I am with a nice guy and I'm proud of it. And sometimes he is Bill Pullman, and sometimes he is John Cusak, and sometimes he's Keanu Reeves to me. He doesn't make a lot of money, but he's sweet and thoughtful and nice. And I don't care if Hollywood makes a movie about us or not.

Don't worry about teh fucked-up elements of society. insted, find the ones you admire, and strive for them.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

Sorry, WD, sounds like you're having a rough week. Hope all is well with you soon.


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