Nobody Ever Writes Movies About Bill Pullman
Have you ever seen that movie where this guy, I think he’s a doctor or an accountant or some other highly-successful guy from a good family, falls in love with this girl and they get engaged? And as they plan the wedding and his family meets her and everyone gets all excited she dumps him during a seemingly romantic weekend in
That movie, for those who didn’t realize it, is “Sleepless in
I’m pretty sure the night Meg Ryan runs off with Tom Hanks, old Walter cranked out a vitriolic email calling her an immature bitch, a stupid whore, and a lot of other names not suitable for this family blog. I’m sure he immediately told his entire family and they all end up resenting her for calling off an expensive wedding. Then there is her alienating every mutual friend they had and pretty much being seen as a untrustworthy whore by most of their acquaintances. No wonder they moved to
Does anyone ever stop to think that the heroes and heroines in these romantic comedies are actually cheaters and men who do not respect someone else’s relationship? Of course not, because
John Cusak has shown men everywhere that if you love somebody, fuck that guy she’s seeing. You’re better for her than he is. No, pal, you’re not, You’ve just seen one too many John Cusak movies. But still you continue to pursue a girl who is already promised to somebody else, and then are shocked when she decides to actually go through with it and MARRY him. That’s how the real world works buddy. Sometimes people get married for reasons other than love, but it is their mistake to make. And that guy you are trying to get her to stand up at the altar? What has he ever done to you? I know you think this may be “true love,” but “true love” only exists in one place: John Cusak movies.
There is a reason Closer is my favorite movie. It is the only love story I have ever seen that actually portrays relationships in a realistic light: fragile, fleeting and ultimately destructive. The romantic male who tries to steal what he considers his “true love” ultimately gets fucked over by the husband and loses both women, and the romantic female ends up staying in a more or less unsatisfying marriage. It is the anti-Romantic Comedy. Or, as I like to call it, real life.
So the next time you start welling up in the last scene when the boring accountant gets left for the sympathetic hero, remember that that guy has feelings too. Remember that the illusion of “the one” is like the siren luring ships into the rocky shore: Once you realize it’s a fake you’ve pretty much lost everything you have. The sooner you stop believing in that nonsense the sooner you stop fucking people over. Because when you find out that the “one” was actually just the “37” you’ll have wasted a lot of time. And, more importantly, a lot of people.